Sunday, November 30, 2008

Yanks Score Sec'oState in Obama Cabinet

The national agenda for 2009:

1) Cancel visas for all Japanese pro athletes.
2) TARP bailout funds for CC Sabathia.
3) Predator drones targeted for head of Kevin Youkilis.

A belated 'happy birthday' to Mariano!

Yep, Saturday was Mariano Rivera's birthday.

We've counted on him to be the best for years ... and we're counting on him to lead us for years to come!

And he's now (let me check this here) ... yep, 39 as of Saturday.

So a big HAPPY BIR ... hey, wait a minute.

He's 39?

Oh, shit.

Day 16: Waiting for C.C.

CASH: I'm starting to think he's not coming.
GIRARDI: I'm starting to ponder the essential question of what is time?
CASH: We can't wait forever.
GIRARDI: What else would we do?
CASH: Shop.
GIRARDI: For what?
CASH: For bargains.
GIRARDI: Was this a bargain?
CASH: This is a big ticket.
GIRARDI: A loss leader.
CASH: Shopping is death.
(They ponder the bleak, black, empty horizon, which signifies the future of humankind.)
GIRARDI: Twenty-six trampling days left 'til Christmas.
CASH: At Wal-Mort.
GIRARDI: Permanent layaway.
CASH: Cash and bury.
GIRARDI: Easy checkout.
CASH: They've slashed everything.
GIRARDI: Shop 'til they drop.
CASH: Holiday crush.
GIRARDI: Dead tag sale.
CASH: Everything must go.
GIRARDI: There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's death.
CASH: Reach out and crush someone.
GIRARDI: Mob behavior. So easy a caveman can do it.
(They silently ponder the unrelenting horror of humanity.)
CASH: In a pinch, Swisher can play centerfield.
GIRARDI: Good to know.
CASH: I hate myself.
GIRARDI: Maybe he'll call today.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Cashman Strategy Revealed

To my left is the fetching young Phil Hughes, whom I may trade for a star player with a proven track record. I will know which player to keep and which to deal by the powers of my keen intellect.

I can see that you think ill of Hughes because of his injuries and poor winter pitching.

Unfortunately, because you are so obvious, I know you're bluffing. You actually want Hughes so badly that you're putting on a show, acting as if you don't want him.

Except that you knew I'd see through your bluff, and therefore you would not try such a tactic, and you really don't want Hughes, and I should therefore dump him.

Except, of course, you knew I'd see through your false fake bluff, as well as your secondary bluff, so therefore, I can tell that you're not bluffing, that you do want Hughes, so I should keep him.

But this is exactly what you would want me to think, and I can see it right through you, and therefore I will trade this lovely young prospect...

And steal your star centerfielder, aging, strike-out prone, low average, overpriced Mike Cameron! Hahahahahahaha, you've been completely outwitted!

Friday, November 28, 2008

Day 14: Waiting for C.C.

CASH: I'm leaving. I can't wait any longer.
GIRARDI: We can't leave.

CASH: He's not coming.
GIRARDI: You don't know that.
CASH: I've almost forgotten what we were waiting for.
GIRARDI: You know who.
CASH: (Sadly) Sometimes, I'm not sure. I'm tired of waiting.
GIRARDI: (Angrily). For Melky? We've all waited for Melky.
CASH: And Hughes.
GIRARDI: Hughes! Ugh. I'd forgotten Hughes.
CASH: And Kennedy.
GIRARDI: Kennedy... Kennedy...
CASH:(Sadly) Forever, we'll wait for Kennedy.
GIRARDI: What is forever?
CASH: Colter Bean.
(They stand silently, depressed, pondering essence of non-existence.)
GIRARDI: What do you think he's doing?
CASH: I don't know.
GIRARDI: He could be picking up the phone.
CASH: He could be eating.
GIRARDI: He could be dialing as we speak.
CASH: He could be eating a cub scout troop.
(They stand silently, bowed, pondering the fundamental emptiness of despair.)
GIRARDI: (Sighs) Swisher at first...
CASH: He can also play center!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

George W. Bush Makes Excuses

As his presidency limps toward the finish line, there are still pressing matters for W to address, including “easing the transition” (giving White House tours, deleting emails), building his legacy (leaving unwell-enough alone), and availing himself of one of the most awesome perks of his office or the Pope’s (the ability to forgive and absolve completely and irrevocably).

Yes, one of the few superpowers remaining to a lame duck is the power to grant clemency. As with most things, W trails his predecessors. Clinton let 456 miscreants off the hook. Reagan pardoned 406. This week, Bush played catch-up by issuing clemency and pardons for 16 humans and two turkeys.

What's George W. Bush’s idea of a pardonable crime?

Actually, there are a few:

Devin Timothy Kruse – AWOL

Jackie Ray Clayborn, Roger Paul Ingram – illegal drugs charges

Joseph Daniel Gavin – disorderly conduct while under the influence of alcohol

Lewis Libby – obstruction of justice

Pumpkin and Pecan – a real turkey

Poetry Corner: Thanks, God, for the 2008 Yanks

On this sacred thank-you day,
There are some thoughts I'd like to say.
With gratitude for all the news
We've not yet traded Philip Hughes.

To you, dear God, I stand in awe
Of how you twisted Chien-Ming's paw,
And Ian Kennedy's head of clay,
And how Sir Sidney came our way.

And Jorge, sidelined, in a stroller,
So we could get to know Chad Moeller,
And first base, we were solid there,
With Jason's golden underwear.

Thanks for Arod and Madonna,
(Next, please send stronger marijuana.)
And thank you, God, for Hank and Hal.
(We need that dope for our morale.)

Thanks for Yanks who gave their all:
Abreu! inching toward that wall.
Cano! they say he's now all-muscle.
(And will we ever see him hustle?)

Yes, thank you, God, this thankful day,
For Swishers who will come our way.
And next year, thanks to George's dough,
Our new top starter, Derek Lowe.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Some Good News, for a Change

After several days of false starts, new recycling gear aboard the international space station designed to reclaim drinking water from urine turned in an impressive performance on Tuesday.

Day 12. Waiting for CC

GIRARDI: Still no word.
CASH: (despairingly). You're sure he got it?

GIRARDI: He must have got it.
CASH: But you don't know he got it.
GIRARDI: He said he would call.

CASH: But he hasn't called.

GIRARDI: He said to wait. (They look at the tree.) What should we do?
CASH: We can talk about Swisher.

GIRARDI: I don't want to talk about Swisher.
CASH: He's a good player.

GIRARDI: I don't want to talk about Swisher.

CASH: He's a good player.
GIRARDI: I don't want to talk about Swisher.
CASH: (Responding to a sound.) Did you hear that?
GIRARDI: I heard nothing.

CASH: I thought it was a cell phone.
GIRARDI: I heard nothing.

CASH: (Takes out cell phone, shakes it, puts it back.) Perhaps tomorrow.
GIRARDI: Yes, tomorrow.

CASH: He should call soon.
GIRARDI: Any minute now.

CASH: You know, a lot of teams wanted Swisher...

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Suffer... my brother-in-law and I suffered last night as we watched all seventy-something minutes of Headin' Home, the 1920 Babe Ruth starrer/biopic, embedded below. Scoll down, press play and:

  • SEE! Babe in the reform school nice little house he grew up in with his loving Mom and adorable pigtailed kid sister NEITHER OF WHOM EVER EXISTED!
  • SEE! Babe carve a baseball bat from the lucky tree HE NEVER HAD!
  • SEE! Babe enjoy a clear-headed sobriety THAT WAS NEVER POSSIBLE!
  • SEE! "Jokes" that were professionally written AT LEAST TEN YEARS BEFORE HUMOR BECAME FUNNY!
  • SEE! Babe hit a home run! (Sorry! I should have tagged that with a SPOILER ALERT!)
Headin' Home @ IMDB :
Ironically, Headin' Home was partially financed by gambler Abe Attell, a gambler who had helped Arnold Rothstein fix the 1919 World Series...
Headin' Home @ Wikipedia:
Filming of the movie occurred during the baseball season of 1920. with Ruth driving across the Hudson River to Haverstraw, New York, for filming in the mornings, then back across the river to play his games in the afternoons.
Headin' Home @ Amazon:
0 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars a great movie about a great man, April 13, 1999
By A Customer
Sample Joke: "Herman wuz a good watch dog when he was awake - HE SLEPT MOST OF THE TIME."


Also, a title card refers to the ballpark as "The national burial ground for grandmothers." WHAT THE EFF? Oh. I think I get it.

So. Cough. Roll 'em:

It All Ends Tonight

It all ends tonight.

Add 'The Shield' to the list of my favorite shows that are no more.

Hopefully, creator Shawn Ryan doesn't cop out and cut to black with old-ass Journey playing, a la David Chase.

I'm going 3-1 that Vic Mackey ends up dead as disco...

Long Live Dutch Boy!

I'll be at Bex's house in Lincolnville, Maine tonight for the 90-minute finale. C'mon over, y'all !

Recruitment, redsocks style

Crib-snatching; a new low, even for Boston.

Easy to break a longstanding gentleman's agreement when you're not a gentleman, apparently.

A Picture Says a Thousand Words

Killing time here while waiting for the Yankees to sign CC, Tex, Burnett, Sheets, and Manny.

A glance through ye olde photo album sounds fun, no?

Here we go:

After losing out in the AL MVP race to Dusty Pedroia, Yoooouk decides he needs to win over some new voters for next year's cause.

A photo surfaced recently in the AP showing in detail the birth of newly crowned AL MVP Dusty McShorty pants.

Desperate for a ticket, this 'Mother-of-the-Year' finalist does what she has to for a scalper on always classy Yawkey Way. Surprisingly, Theo Epstein's sister (pictured above) gets an all-access pass.

Betcha didn't know Hideki Matsui went to Medical School in Japan. Here, he helps rescue Scooter the Squirrel from the depths of Julio Lugo's ass.

Longtime Lohud Yankees Blog Commentor 'bru' gets a little too close for comfort during a game last summer.

Scooter thinks Cashman should grow some sackage and make offers to CC, Tex, Manny, AJ, Lowe and trade for Peavy.

Since the assault in Central Park last summer, Scooter is now packing heat if and when more Red Sox squirrels show up in town.

World Series MVP Cole Hamels studies the 'scouting reports' with Brett Myers. Dude, what are they, 18 years old? Christ, only in Philly. You know Myers is thinking "I can't wait to beat ta'd'ass after this boring game. Boom, outta here."

Sonofabitch !

Derek Jeter shows us how he really feels about the 'Yellow Tooth Gammonite Emperor'.

Gammonite Jr: 'Right back at ya, bitches!'

This is a 'future photo' of the GM who wakes with a hangover after the first night of the Winter Meetings and Jason Giambi signed for three years and $25M. Paging JP Riccardi....

A picture sayeth a thousandth wordth. Remember, it was our crafty GM, $-man, who said he was ready to go into 2006 with Bubba Crosby in CF. Low and behold, he signs the Cave Man. Reminds me of this winter, with the 'idea' being that this:

is our new first baseman...

At least this is who will be sitting in the 'Friends and Family' Section: His Wife !

Here's to you, Wading Bird

WB's inspiration.

Saves me from going with Colmes leaving Hannity.

November 25, 2008: The Day We Found Hope

Monday, November 24, 2008

Hot Stove Farm Report: Part 1

The turkey's thawing, the pumpkin pie is cooking and family is about to gather for a day of giving thanks for such a bountiful harvest of prospects in the Yankee farm system.

Let's take a look.

Hey, isn't that guy in the lower left corner outfielder Austin Jackson of the Trenton Thunder? Of course it is! He's a keeper after striking out only 113 times in 131 games last season!

And, say, that looks like catcher Jesus Montero in the upper right corner of the photo below! Well Jesus H. Montero, it's him! The slugging catcher belted 17 dingers for the Charleston RiverDogs in the South Atlantic League last summer. Look out!

What do we have here? Why it's the starting five for the Scranton-Wilkes Barre Yankees! From left it's J.B Cox, Kei Igawa, Eric Milton, Mark Melancon, and Sergio Mitre! That's a fivesome, for sure!

You're probably all wondering, "Who's that handsome chap in the middle?" of the photo below. Why it's red hot pitching prospect Dellin Betances! Say hey, Dellin!

Hold on! Could it be? It is! There's Phil Hughes (lower left, front row!)! Phil's going to mow 'em down this year, you can bet on it!

Let's wrap up this edition of the Hot Stove Farm Report with a visit with lefty fireballer Phil Coke (front and center)! Expect big things from the Coke Man this summer. Big things!

That's all for now! Pass the biscuits and save me a drumstick!

When Time Ceased...

Letter to the Editor

Tulsa World
November 23, 2008

The big picture

Every day I see banks closing or being bought out, companies filing for bankruptcy, thousands of people losing jobs, people losing homes to foreclosure. I see people who worked hard all their lives to earn enough money to have a decent retired life. I see the New York Yankees offering a pitcher $140 million to throw a baseball a few innings a week. Somehow the big picture looks like it was painted by Salvador Dali.

Bill Payne
Broken Arrow

Time Machine: November 4, 2005

Torii Hunter To The Yankees
By Tim Dierkes [November 4, 2005 at 11:04pm CST]

The Yankees' need for a center fielder is well known. The latest rumor making the rounds is that GM Brian Cashman will make a play to acquire Torii Hunter from the Twins.
Although his glovework hasn't been anything special since 2001, the Yankees are after Hunter mainly to solidify their outfield defense. The 30 year-old Hunter never really developed plate discipline, but he'd still be worth a couple of wins compared to the current shell of Bernie Williams.

Hunter is under contract for 2006 at $10.75MM, and the Twins would love to get that money off the books to pursue a slugger. His 2007 club option for $12MM could be picked up by the Yanks if Hunter can remain a four win player in '06. With his defense slipping, Hunter may try to reinvent himself as a patient slugger like Moises Alou did in 1997.

The Yankees won't give up Robinson Cano to acquire Hunter, and Eric Duncan is out of the question. Instead, the Twins might take Andy Phillips and try him at third base. A promising young starter like Matt DeSalvo (3.02 ERA at Double A Trenton in 2005) would also be necessary. The Twins' bounty may be less than impressive as they're eager to shed Hunter's salary.


I don't know what from that highlighted section of the final paragraph hurts the most:

That Cashman could have gotten Torri Hunter BACK THEN for Matt DeSalvo and Andy Phillips.


That Eric Duncan was considered 'out of the question.'

Does Duncan have picks of Cashman in precarious positions?

Breaking News: Tension Escalates as Lohudders Close to Revolt !

While the offseason for Major League baseball hot stove rumors always seems to take a break on Sundays in the winter for the NFL, tensions were high and rage was in the air over the last thirty-six hours in the comment section of the Lohud Yankees blog.

Trouble was percolating after Peter Abraham, the Bard of Lohud, announced these tidbits in in his "Random Thoughts (mostly) on the Yankees" post:

"Free advice for the Yankees: Now that the team is going into the new Stadium, try something new with the in-game entertainment. YMCA and Cotton-Eye Joe have reached the end of their usefulness and are far more cliche than fun at this point. It’s also time to dial back God Bless America to Sundays only. Fans express their patriotism by standing for the Star-Spangled Banner and that should never change. Are the Yankees somehow better Americans by playing a second song? If that’s the case, than there should be a patriotic song between every inning."

"Joel Sherman of the Post had a good take on Mike Mussina on his blog. Moose was tough for reporters to deal with when he first arrived in the Bronx. He left as a “go-to guy” and garnered a lot of respect. Fans, meanwhile, benefited from his insight and his popularity grew. There’s a lesson in there somewhere for players like A-Rod. The energy spent distancing yourself from the press and public can be turned into a positive if you’re willing to loosen up."

"Barak Obama picked his entire cabinet in three weeks. It has been three months and Mike Francesa still doesn’t have a partner for his radio show. Kim Jones is obviously the best choice based on what I heard. Meanwhile Chris Russo has vanished off the face of the earth as far as his impact goes. If I’m listening to talk radio in the car – satellite or otherwise – I need to get some New York-centric updates and traffic mixed in."

Loyal blogger 'randy I' responded within 26 minutes of the writing of the post, sending a rocket over the bow of SS Abraham with this:

"Barak Obama picked his entire cabinet in three weeks. It has been three months and Mike Francesa still doesn’t have a partner for his radio show. Please do not discuss politics here. I want this to be for baseball only, although I certainly understand if other sports get in the conversation. huh?lol."

And no more than five minutes later did P-Abe respond, dropping some Andy Dufresne on 'randy I':

"Randy: Please don’t be obtuse. You know exactly what I am talking about. Making an off-hand reference in a post is not discussing politics. There were people debating the New Deal in the last post. That’s not what this blog is about or will ever be about. Please abide by the wishes of the community. Thanks."

Exactly 24 minutes later, 'randy I' retorted with this beauty:

""Randy: Please don’t be obtuse." “obtuse” ?
now i’ve been called a lot of things , but’s there’s line that shouldn’t be crossed. no one can call me a pythagorean angle and get away with it.
on the other hand,maybe i should google”obtuse” first before getting my dander up:
"lacking sharpness or quickness of sensibility or intellect : insensitive , stupid b: difficult to comprehend : not clear or precise in thought or expression”
ok, no problem. just don’t call me a part of a triangle. amazing how my vocabulary expands from blog participation.
peter, by the way, have a nice thanksgiving ."

(Please forgive the grammatical errors, I just C&P'd it on here, had no time to get it copy edited)

At 3:35 p.m. EST, 'EdWhitson', a relative newcomer in the gated Lohud Comment Community, had this to say about Abraham's views on God Bless America:

"With the exception of Peter, I have never heard anyone complain about “God Bless America” in the 7th. In fact, most seem to enjoy it. Watch Section 39 – American flags are on display and a chant of U.S.A. can be heard. Nobody seems to have a problem except Peter – not sure what his issue is. Frankly, he’s never explained his thiking, but I would be interested in hearing an argument. His argument – “if it is so patriotic, than do it every inning” is what people do when they do not have a cogent argument; they take an extreme position that is untenable. Textbook move if you can argue the facts and also totally JV. A semi – intelligent person can see through it. Peter, you are better than that."

To which Abraham has yet to respond to.

'Clare', a long time hair across Abraham's ass (it's amazing he hasn't banned her yet!) read into the subliminal Mrs. Madonna bashing and opened up on P-Abe like a can of Spam:

"Peter’s ARod/Mussina crack is yet another example of Peter’s complete delusion about ARod.
The biggest differenc between how ARod and Mussina are portrayed in the media is more a function of the media, than how either players deals with the media.
It’s particularly galling that Peter is now saying ARod needs to be more open with the media when he has repeatedly said that ARod should just shut up and play. For example, Peter was one of the people who jumped all over ARod’s fairly innocuous WFAN interview in spring training 07.
If Peter had any self-awareness about this, he might take a moment to reflect on the “aliens in central park” incident. He was so sure that ARod would never come back to the Yankees, despite ARod’s words all year that he wanted to be a Yankee. Peter could have had the scoop on this story (he had Miller’s IP address, he could have tried to track it down), but instead he mocked the idea and made the aliens prediction. Why? I think it’s a reflection of how his antipathy towards ARod makes him unreliable on this subject.

Of course, Peter is much more likely to make personal cracks about his commenters than to question his own biases."

To which Abraham has yet to respond to.

In addition to the multiple whackings the 'Blogfather' took yesterday, there was also some 'Lohudder on Lohudder' violence.

After numerous postings of the most ridiculous trade proposals and ideas for the Yankees' 2009 roster, newcomer 'bru' ate a little ass from the blog's resident old-timer, 'GB7', the elusive 'GreenBeret7'.

Things kicked off when 'bru' (I swear it's George Steinbrenner) made this comment at 12:12 a.m.:
"arod is a good defensive third baseman but he is not great.
i like arod.i think he is the best or second best player in the game but i do not think he fits in with the yankees and believe it is a terrible contract.
the yankees turned into an old,one dimentional team with a bunch of bad contracts.
they should unload as much of the big contracts as they can.damon,matsui,posada & be carefull not to make the same mistakes going forward.
if arod’s contract pays for itself wich i hear is the case then he might be an exception.i just hope when jeters contract is up they don’t overpay him or give him 3 years.
these players got filthy rich and it is time they take a discount instead of ripping the yankees off."

(Again, I apologize for the grammatical errors due to 'bru's' lack of an education)

'GB7' at 1:09 a.m.:

"Gotta love how he thinks that Rodriguez is a bad third baseman, but, suggests replacing him with a worse defensive 3rd baseman. Of course, he doesn’t explain how the Yanks would obtain Wright and at what cost. Reyes would go on the market before Wright does. I have seldom seen anybody consistantly post more bad trade proposals than this guy, does."

'bru' at 4:56 a.m. (Wish I could find drugs like the ones this kid is taking):

"gb,you are smarter than that.
i am using wright as an example.i also did not say arod is a bad 3rd baseman.
my point is that if there is an option to sign or trade for a 3rd baseman instead of signing tex.
do you remember how well the brosus signing worked for us,also boggs,hayes.
those trades along with the swisher one have always worked out better for us.
this allows us to spend elsewhere like pitching and is always the deals that you can’t see coming that usually work but most people posting here are too simple minded and rather insult and critisize everyone else just for the sake of it."

'GreenBeret7' at 6:18 a.m., obviously right before he downs seven raw eggs, a la Rocky, and goes for his morning run around the military base:

"I still stand by it…You say Rodriguez isn’t great but, he’s good…but, you want to move him and bring in Wright, who is worse than not good…he’s average at best. Please just stop with the ridiculous non-sense trades. My 6 year old granddaughter can come up
with better.
In case it has avoided your attention, there are no third basemen available that’s better than Rodriguez. There are, however, better first basemen than he is. Nobody is going to trade a good center fielder for Nady and Kennedy straight up. Why would anybody trade for Matsui until shows that he’s healthy? Now you want to DH Podada and have who catch? Molina? A .220 hitter? That’ll really improve the lineup."

Imagine that. His six-year old granddaughter...
I remember the old days, when the only contact with elderly people would be when they would cut you in line at the grocery store and movie theater, back out of there driveway too fast in the Caddy El Dorado and almost run you over on your bike, and stay way too long at a poker table in a casino.
Now, they get online at six a.m. and yell at you.

More to come as things heat up at Lohud. Of course, one has to think that if the Yankees could ink CC Sabathia and Mark Teixeira in the next hour or two, things may settle down over at Lohud.

Or, SJ44 could show up and just fuck everything up...
And of course, SJ44 just weighed in with this comment:
"Arod has played on the left side of the infield his entire career. Its not easy to make a smooth transition to first base. Nor, should he have to move to first.
He’s a better defensive third baseman than David Wright and he hasn’t played that position his entire career. As Wright has.
These kind of plans always crop up on blogs when there isn’t any real news to discuss."

This Guy is Going to Play Thurman Munson in a Movie?

Today's Murdoch Mildew reports that Josh "Glory Days" Lucas will play Capt. Thurman Munson in "Keepers of the Pinstripes," a feel-good movie to be filmed next year.

This looks like our "Rudy."

Good deal, the Yanks getting a "Rudy." You can always use one, they're fine brainwashing tools for impressionable youth, plus -- it's going to really piss off Mets fans, who probably need a "Rudy" more than any team on the planet right now. Fukkem. The way they collapsed these last two years, they can forget it. Nobody going to film them a "Rudy." They deserve a "Heaven's Gate," or a "Titanic," without Kate Winslet.

Watch the Redsocks whine about our "Rudy." Well, fukkem. They had that cheesy "Fever Pitch," and it's been fun watching Jimmy Fallon's career skyrocket ever since. He's Mr. Straight-to-Video. And was that Drew Barrymore or Pia Zadora?

Fact is, we haven't had a "Rudy" since Billy Crystal's "61," which was a made-for-TV "Rudy," and made-for-TV "Rudys" don't count.

Supposedly, this new "Rudy" has Bernie, Gehrig, Babe, et al... which makes it an epic, all-star, Golden Globe-candidate "Rudy." They're talking about Tony Soprano playing the Babe, which would add new meaning to "Calling the shot." Hell, this could the "Rudy" of "Rudys," the "Out of Africa" "Gone With the Wind" "Godfather I and II" two-kleenex blockbuster "Rudy."

I wonder if they'll tear down all the movie theaters, so they can build new ones with luxury boxes?

Sunday, November 23, 2008


Old lawyers say the longer a jury stays in deliberation, the more likely the defendant will be found innocent.

Fortunately, nobody believes lawyers.

Nevertheless, the longer CC Sabathia deliberates, the more likely he will... goddammot, I dunno what he'll do.

But I gotta bad feeling about this. Think about it:

If he hasn't decided by now, what's going to sell him on the Yankees? No other team has made a public offer. He's simply deciding on the Yankees, yes or no. He's gone into seclusion to talk with... whom? Apparently not the Yankees.

If he hasn't decided by now, what is he weighing? He could be thinking about what he can buy with all that money. But he's gonna get money, no matter where he goes. I gotta believe he is thinking about Southern California. And the more he thinks about Southern California, the less he thinks about New York.

If he hasn't decided by now, what will bring him East? We can't offer another year. We can't offer more money. There is no more negotiation. It's yes or no. And he hasn't said yes.

You get down on your knees and ask her to marry you. If she hesitates... guess what? It doesn't look good.

If CC says no, we start thinking of a 5-year deal with AJ Burnett, and maybe even propose to Derek Lowe.

For all Hank's public posturing that we would spend "whatever it takes," we may find ourselves in a period like the 1980s, a time of such negativity that nobody wants to play for the Yankees. Be afraid, folks. Be very afraid.

Time Machine: Thanksgiving 2002

Because those who can't remember the past... are doomed to watch the Arizona Instructional League...

Check out this gem. Two prospects mentioned will have decent careers. But not for us.

By the way, this story was nominated for "Most Optimistic Lede for 2002. Look at the first and third grafs.

November 19, 2002
Henson improving in AFL
By Mark Feinsand /

NEW YORK -- Drew Henson has been one of the most heavily watched players in the Arizona Fall League this season, and he may be showing signs of improvement as the season draws to a close.

Henson raised his batting average 11 points this week, and did not commit an error at third base. But despite Henson's play, the Maryvale Saguros continued to struggle, going 1-5 to drop their record to 11-29.

Henson is batting .197 with four home runs and 19 RBIs in 37 games for Maryvale. He has committed a team-high 11 errors.

Henson is one of six Yankees playing in the AFL, all with Maryvale.

Catcher David Parrish has played in 19 games, hitting .298 with two home runs and five RBIs. Outfielder Marcus Thames has played just six games, hitting .455 (10-for-22) with four RBIs.

Adrian "El Duquecito" Hernandez started one game this week, taking the loss after allowing two runs on four hits and a walk in three innings. Hernandez has been impressive over the course of the season, posting a 1-1 record with a 2.38 ERA in 12 games (two starts). Hernandez has allowed 14 hits in 22 2/3 innings, but his control has remained a problem. The Cuban has walked 10 batters, but opposing batters are hitting just .177 against the right-hander, who has not allowed a home run.

Right-hander Bryan Grace is 2-2 with a 5.60 ERA in 10 relief appearances this season, though he did not pitch this week. Opposing batters are hitting .262 against Grace.

Fellow righty Jason Anderson has been shut down for the AFL season, complaining of fatigue in his arm. He finished with no record and a 10.57 ERA in eight relief appearances. In 7 2/3 innings, he allowed 13 hits and five walks, and hitters batted .333 against him. In addition to the nine earned runs he gave up, he also allowed five unearned runs.

He's the Juan: Juan Rivera is playing with the Tigers in the Venezuelan League, having joined the team earlier this month.

Rivera is hitting .238 (10-for-42) with one home run and five RBIs. Rivera has one double, one triple, one walk and three strikeouts.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Time Machine: November 29, 2005

This proves there is no such thing as time travel. If there was, we'd go back and shoot people.

NEW YORK -- The Yankees appear to be closing in on a deal with right-hander Kyle Farnsworth, which would give New York a young, hard-throwing arm to set up closer Mariano Rivera.

One baseball official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that Farnsworth will ink a three-year contract worth $15-17 million. The deal could be announced as early as Wednesday.

General manager Brian Cashman wouldn't confirm that Farnsworth was close to signing.

"I've got nothing to report," Cashman said. "We're engaging a lot of different guys. If it leads somewhere, we'll make an announcement."

Farnsworth, who turns 30 in April, went 1-1 with 16 saves for the Tigers and Braves last season, posting a 2.19 ERA. He struck out 87 batters in 70 innings, holding opponents to a .180 average in 72 appearances.

Farnsworth's signing doesn't necessarily spell the end of Tom Gordon's tenure in the Bronx, as the Yankees continue to negotiate with the 38-year-old right-hander.

Gordon, who is seeking a three-year deal, has drawn interest from the Orioles and Phillies, two teams looking to add a closer after B.J. Ryan signed with the Blue Jays and Billy Wagner signed with the Mets.

The Indians, Tigers and Red Sox have also expressed interest in Gordon, with some of those teams willing to give him a three-year deal. A source with knowledge of the negotiations said Tuesday night that Gordon was "not close" to making a decision.

MVP Vote Recount Shows Al Franken Gaining on Pedroia

Less than 100.

It's those damn butterfly ballots. They confused the older Gammonites, who thought they were voting for Carl Yazstremski.

With the Citi Ready to Sleep, What Should the New Mets Stadium Be Called?

The Times says Citi Field won't cut it.

The bad news for a franchise that has had two straight late-season collapses is that it is now linked with a bank trying to stave off its own collapse.

How about...

Piti Field.

Debbets Field.

The Low Low Grounds.

Repo-Dodger Stadium.

The DebtroDome

The Poorhouse that Ruth Built.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Quiz time!

1. The recently retired Mike Mussina will enter the Baseball Hall of Fame ...:

A. as a New York Yankee
B. as a Baltimore Oriole
C. through the front entrance after buying a ticket

2. Dustin Pedroia's selection as American League Most Valuable Player caused:

A. Red Sox fans to rejoice
B. Short people worldwide to be inspired
C. An embarrassing stain on Peter Gammons' underwear

3. Hal Steinbrenner officially taking over as the man in charge means:

A. An increased focus on the financial bottom line
B. A fresh sense of direction in the front office
C. Not much; Hank still won't shut up.

4. Last season, Mussina won 20 games, while Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy combined ...

A. To win four fewer games than Carl Pavano
B. To make Alphonso a wealthy man

5. Sidney Ponson is most likely to end up:

A. With the Yankees
B. With the Blue Jays
C. On NBC's "The Biggest Loser"

Yanks Sign A.G. Mukasey to Sing National Anthem on Opening Day

WASHINGTON _ In an effort to provide the most memorable opening day in history, the Yankees have signed U.S. Attorney General Michael Mulkasey to sing the National Anthem, standing at home plate in front of 69,000 people while a nationwide audience watches and waits for him to collapse into a heap.

"I don't know if it's tasteful, but it sure ought to be fun," new Yankee CEO Hal Steinbrenner said. "I mean, what's the difference between this and a Nascar race? Everybody goes to see the crash, right?"

The Yankees vow to have paramedics and "catchers" nearby for Mukasey's solo performance, which will be sung without microphone or lyric cards, after he has run twice around the playing field and done 50 pushups.

The Yankees chose Mukasey after learning the first 20 rows of nearby luxury boxes will be occupied by the Federalist Society, the only group that could afford them.

Mukasey, 67, said he's looking forward to the opportunity.

"It is gonnnnnnn to beeeeeeeeeeeee-uhhhhmm," he said, and declined further comment.

CC Camp Tightlipped About Appointments to Entourage

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA _ Aides for potential billionaire-Yankee elect CC Sabathia aren't saying who'll receive key appointments in his upcoming entourage, but sources say that if he signs with New York, Milwaukee outfielder Mike Cameron could be announced as the pitcher's incoming Secretary of Bootie.

Sabathia has not said whether he will accept the Yankees $140 million deal, and until that decision is announced, members of his homey club are refusing to speculate on who will be added or retained. That would come after his Jan. 20, 2009 inauguration.

If Sabathia sign, several Yankees could be added to his expanding group. They would most likely include pitchers Chris Britton and Brian Bruney, both of whom are capable of eating similar amounts of food in Sabathia's presence, a key component to the entourage.

"Without Giambi, we'd have to lean on Britton and Bruney to come through with the fork," a Yankee source said. "Either that, or we'll sign David Weathers."

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Open Letter to the Yankiverse: Mussina's Greatest Achievements Are Still to Come

Dear Madam or Sir:

As things now stand, Mike Mussina does not get into Cooperstown.

That's due to the anti-Yankee backlash against the spotlight that New York players receive, and an anti-New York bias by small market sportswriters who once dreamed of writing in the Big Apple.

And let's face it, everybody loves or hates the Yankees.

With the greatest of the great players, it's not a problem. Nobody will keep out Derek Jeter. But Bernie, Pauly, Tino et al -- despite the rings on their fingers -- could be denied for many years, until folks look back and marvel about the rarity of four World Championships in the era of extended playoffs.

Mussina will land on the wrong side of this line. Never pitched for a World Champ. Never threw a no-hitter. Never won Cy Young. There will always be some pitcher with similar numbers or a ring, and that guy won't have had tabloid troubles, because there are no tabloids in KC.

But here's why Mussina will make it: He will become the best pitching coach in baseball. He is smart. He is wily. Look what he did this year: He won 20 with next to nothing. He is a great presence in the clubhouse, and you won't find one critic among players or writers.

The Yankees should move quickly to keep Mike Mussina in the family. Sign him as spring training coach, talent director, scout, whatever -- personal assistant to Mr. Hank -- just keep him.

Mike Mussina is going to be a great pitching coach.

And with that added to his resume, he will go to Cooperstown.

All-Time Low: To Pay for MVP Dwarf, Redsocks to Tax Florida Beds

The Sealy Posturpedic people should do something.

Boston is like a motel vibrator bed you feed quarters into while tossing your bones.

This from the poor, oppressed beach hobos of Fort Myers, who now want to build Pedroia & Co. a new clubhouse for their on-field porn:

Keeping the Red Sox here as a signature attraction was necessary. Building a complex for them that might also involve other sports such as swimming and concerts and other outdoor attractions in other seasons can be a boost for a crippled local economy.

The 5 percent tourist levy or "bed tax" on rentals of six months or less is expected to yield $23 million next year. Let's hope that forecast holds up.

Somebody ought to tell Mark Teixeira how they do business.