Saturday, July 31, 2010


Chopper DFA'ed.


Whahappun? I did my part. I was listening to Hughes mow them down. Then... Lance Berkman. The Big Puma? Think about it. Lance. Puma. Another phallic nickname? Got into argument with The Duke. Claims Redsocks will trade Mike Lowell, get rising star. Jed Lowrie to settle shortstop. Says Varitek can only hit once a week. At least by losing to the Rays, we screw the Redsocks. Dismal. Haven't invoked Bucky Dent. Ever since 2004, no point in it.

Is A-Rod ever going to hit 600? This is getting tiresome. He's lucky Torres' not still manager. He'd be batting eighth.

Need win. God I need a win.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Berkman to Christians: Drop Dead

When Lance Berkman arrives in Tampa tomorrow to suit up as a Yankee, he'll be breaking a promise to thousands of Christian baseball fans.  According to a religion blog at the The Houston Chronicle's site:
The Astros will host its Faith and Family Night following Saturday's game (vs. Milwaukee Brewers, 6:05 p.m. at Minute Maid Park). The event includes remarks from Astros outfielder Lance Berkman, a nondenominational Christian, and a concert by Christian band Jars of Clay.
As more professional athletes like Berkman--who leads a team Bible study and grounds himself in God before baseball--speak out about their religion, such faith-themed events are becoming more popular at ballparks across the country. Saturday will be the Astros' fourth.
We can think of a thousand ways for Berkman to "ground himself in God." Flipping the bird at the Houston faithful isn't one of them.

Went to the Ted Williams head reference too early

Redsock fans dissing Mattingly. Had to use bag of tricks. Didn't mean to play Ted Williams card so soon. Usually, don't make cracks about TW frozen head until later. Guy mentioned croquet, and it just popped out that TW's head would make great croquet ball.

For An Annual 4 Day Drunk, this Year's Postings Have Been Inadequate and Lame

Truth be told, I sometimes go on a 4 day bender and blog not at all.

But our so called leader is known for his profligacy during times of hangover, and imbibement ( I made this word up in my poetry class ).

This year, you might as well cancel the party. Where are the rants? The outrages? The predictions?

Are you cowering under the eye of a Red Sox infiltraitor ( more poetry class )? Why would anyone have an acquaintance, much less a drinking buddy, who wears the fake blood of Schilling on his cap?

Something is not right at this bacchanalia.

Come on Duque, what's happening with Ivan Nova?

Can't you at least give us ten reasons why tequila shots are better than bunts?

I am not going to finance another one of these outings if all we get back is 4 lines of
blach ( poetry) once a day.

Hall of Fame infield

Outlined theory that Yankee infield is best of all time:

Arod -- future all time HR leader.
Jeet -- future all time greatest Yankee
Robbie -- may have risen to great status
Tex -- could be HoFamer

Redsock fans not in agreement with this.

Day 2: Another victory

Sweet. Still waiting to hoist Yankee 2009 championship flag. Two and oh. Undefeated and untied. If I can keep this through the trade deadline, we cannot be swindled. Redsock fans in the mist. Must be careful. They don't know I'm blogging. Ha. Complaints about Jacoby Ellsbury. Music to ears. Says Jacoby not showing what it takes to be Redsock. Ha. Wondering when Lil Dustin will return. Outlined idea that he should come back now, bat .144 for three weeks, then tweak gonad and be out for season. Didn't laugh. Got into furious argument about Mariano. Nobody disses Mo. Mentioned Dave Roberts. Typical. They always mention Dave Roberts. Gotta go. Here comes one now.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

The head... the head... the head...

Eight-oh, eh. So much for Cleveland. So much for Day One. WE'RE ONE FOR ONE, UNDEFEATED, UNTIED, UNCONSCIOUS. (Not so loud... the head.) Four guys ate 7 dozen clams. Do the math. That's 180 clams per man. The Duke (Redsock fan) muy arrogant about team sweeping Angels. (They didn't sweep them last fall, did they.)

Today, hope to hoist official Yankee Championship flag. The Duke to boycott. Man cannot be trusted. Nearly took off my finger in race for final clams. Right now, three Yankee fans to The Duke. We got him roped in. Must be careful.

One day, one game, one win. Suck on that, Ted Williams.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Annual 4-day Drunk Yankee Blog Begins at 3 p.m.

Last year, we went undefeated during the four-day IT IS HIGH superparty megablast drunkfest and inebriation contest. This year, we'll try to beat that record -- and win more games than we play.

From 5 p.m. on, all postings, comments, photographs and deliberations will be incoherent, with the exception of Alphonso, who is usually incoherent anyway. He will write good.

Comrades, bloggers, friends of the Yankees, wish me luck. I am an old man. Whenever one steps onto the precipice, there is a chance that he shall not return. If this is my fate, so be it. Carry on without me. And if there is ever a struggling Yankee team, one that is not getting good nights' sleep, sell them one of my contraptions. I go now to prepare for the arrival of a chief adversary, one of the most powerful and magnetic emmissaries of the Redsock Nation. He is known only as The Duke.

It is going to be a long four days.

It Is Getting Too Easy To Predict

I've discovered a new tequila, called " El Jimador." If you can find it, drink it.

That's what I was doing yesterday about 5:45pm, waiting for the Yankee pre-game show to come on.

Exactly 16 minutes later, I new there was no reason to watch the Yankees.

I had learned two things;

A. Cleveland was debuting some AAA phenom who we probably gave them in a trade along with Jake Westbrook several years back, for someone who quit baseball as soon as he arrived in NYC.

B. We had Juan Miranda in the line-up.

I have said all year if this Yankee team is facing anyone just up from anywhere, we won't hit. It mattered not that we had CC pitching. Unless it was 0-0 when both pitchers exited, we had no shot. Add to that a "B" team line-up, and it is a formula for a loss.

Joe does need to give a rest to some of our seniors, and we do now have the Great Alex Wait over-riding everything we do, like a great fog in the San Franciso morning, but we shouldn't broadcast those games.

I did continue drinking and, of course, we were never competitive.

End of story.

Taxpayer funds going to finance new redneck Redsock fraud Schilling fiasco

If Curtis Montigue Schilling isn't talking Yankee trash this week, it's because his Redsockian motor mouth is clamped down on the public teat. His "company" -- he's probably printed stationery, coffee mugs and mousepads -- has signed a sweet corporate welfare deal with the hamlet of Rhode Island. Where's Glenn Beck on this? We need the Weeeping Eagle!
After campaigning across Massachusetts last winter on behalf of Scott Brown, the Republican centerfold who promised to kill national health coverage because it would cost an arm and a leg, Curt cut a backroom deal and is heading out for the greener pastures of RI.

Tim Cahill, the Massachusetts independent candidate, said he would not have done what Rhode Island did, while former Republican US senator Lincoln Chafee, an independent candidate in Rhode Island, criticized his state for taking a potentially expensive gamble on what he said was an unproven company.

"I've invested a significant amount of my life's earnings in 38 Studios," Schilling told the Globe, "and I will protect the loan guarantee that's been given by the state with the same passion and interest that I'm protecting my own investment in this company. Our paths are very much aligned."

Well, Schilling's path is toward public gravy. He hates spending, unless it's on him. If his company tanks, at least the state of Rhode Island won't have problems finding red ink. Schilling has plenty of it -- IN HIS SOCKS.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

If that burger crunches at Yankee Stadium, don't swallow

That's the conclusion of a study of the bug-laden, mouse-turd spiced, overcooked and overpriced prison slop vomit that masquerades as food at most major city sports venues.

Nearly half the Yankee Stadium vendors have been cited for health code violations, according to a survey of 107 sports venues. The worst is in Washington, which scored a perfect 100 percent. Don't go anywhere in that city without packing Imodium.

Best part of any NY Post article is always the quotes from outraged fantards:

Check these out:

"The burgers are awesome, but they should make sure there's no cockroaches."

"I'll have to think twice about ordering a hot dog."

"Where there's food, there's roaches. There's going to be violations. Even McDonald's is not perfect."

Even McDonalds is not perfect.

Bravo: Lincoln Chafee calls out Curt Schilling for perpetrating fraud in the fabled Shroud of Fenway

Long overdue.

PROVIDENCE, R.I. (AP) -- Former U.S. Sen. Lincoln Chafee is questioning whether Boston Red Sox great Curt Schilling faked his bloody sock in Game 6 of the 2004 AL championship series.

Chafee, a gubernatorial candidate in Rhode Island, criticized Schilling Tuesday to WPRO-AM, the day after state economic development officials approved a $75 million loan guarantee for Schilling's video game company.

Chafee said he doesn't know if he trusts Schilling, and incorrectly said Schilling's own teammates questioned whether Schilling faked his bloody sock. A Baltimore Orioles broadcaster claimed in 2007 that Sox catcher Doug Mirabelli said it was faked, but Mirabelli denied it, and the broadcaster later apologized.

Good grief, we can't win a game without the media focusing on failure

El Duque disgrace!

The notorious blog election-stealer, fascist and Bush administration apologist implicated in scheme to swindle millions from sketchy, skeevey hustlers with his "gizmo."

For shame!

Fact of life: There is no bridge to Mariano, and there never will be

There is no bridge to Mariano. There is only a regularly shifting tide of pitchers who come and go. 

There is no replacement for Mariano. There never will be.

There is no coach for Mariano. When he is off, he figures it out himself.

There is no regret over Mariano. No matter what happens, he has already done his part.

There is no security after Mariano. We will go a long time before our ninth innings are safe and secure.*

And you can keep your family safe and secure with the professionals at New York Life. For over 60 years, the professionals at New York Life have been keeping family's safe and secure. That's New York Life... the company... you keep.

Report: John & Suzyn Are #1; Red Sox Are Complete Has-Beens

Street & Smith's Sports Business Journal posted the chart above alongside a story that begins:
The Boston Red Sox’s six-year reign atop MLB’s local television ratings is about to end, as the team’s local numbers have plummeted from first to fifth this season.

Entering the All-Star break, ratings for Red Sox games on NESN have dropped nearly 36 percent from last year, for a 6.25 average rating.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Open Letter to Brian Cashman: If Ye Tradeth Jesus, Ye Shalt Face the Wrath of a Billion Alphonsos

Dear Madam or Sir,

Two weeks ago, you nearly made a trade that would have cemented your Yankee eternal legacy in a dingy underground Hell, visited regularly by the apparitions of Doug Drabek and Jay Buhner. 

You almost sent Jesus Montero to Seattle for a three-month flyover by Cliff Lee.

Why? Because you lost faith in the Yankees. 

This is why people across the globe struggle to keep Jesus not only in their hearts but behind their plate. Many become cynical, lose faith in the Yankees and trade Jesus to their personal Seattle, for three months of the intoxicant known as Cliff Lee.

The result: They become crack whores, suicide assassins and Century 21 realtors.

Yes... an eternity of Hell... for three months of Cliff Lee.

Listen: It will take two years for Jesus to start saving the Yankees. He must master the position of Receiver. By next July, he will be our fulltime DH and Jorge backup, learning from the Yankee saints themselves: Jorge, Jeet, Andy, Mariano and others who have seen the White Pinstripe of Yankee Pride, and whose souls have been cleansed of all previous teams for which they toiled

Catching is 99 percent desire. They once said Yogi could not call a game. They once said Jorge, a converted infielder, was starting too late. Now, they say Jesus is too large. 

Show faith. Keep Jesus in your heart... and on your roster.

We can beat the Redsocks. We can beat the Rangers. We can fix our bullpen and boost our bench.

If you forsake Jesus, you will be haunted forever. That dugout will get crowded, listening to Buhner and Drabek. Save your soul, sir. And save our next decade.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Letter to the Editor: "The greatest sports figure of all time..."

Orlando Sentinel (Florida)

July 18, 2010 Sunday

The New York Yankees are not only one of my favorite Major League Baseball teams, but they are also a favorite of my mother, as well as my aunts, uncles and friends who live in the New York City area.

George Steinbrenner helped reshape the Yankees by giving them good players, such as Don Mattingly, Dave Winfield, Andy Pettitte, Derek Jeter, Hideki Matsui, and Alex RodrĂ­guez. They won seven World Series titles under Steinbrenner, although they struggled during the 1980s and early 1990s. They're still the greatest pro sports team in the world.

My family, friends and I are going to miss Steinbrenner, but I know that his two sons still control the Yankees, and they will still be a great Major League team under them.

Steinbrenner was not only the greatest pro sports team owner of all time, but also the greatest sports figure of all time.

Paul Bacon
Hallandale Beach

Looks Like Another Loss to the Woefuls

1. Phil Hughes is now 55 pitches into the game ( 3 innings) and hasn't yet gotten a strike call with a breaking ball. Usually, because they aren't close.

2. So he is again only throwing one pitch. His fastball, which he can locate about 1 time out of three.

3. I thought he was supposed to have 4 pitches? This is the second outing in a row, where he has used only one.

4. Another crap and incompetent call by an umpire against the Yankees gives the Royals an extra run. These guys should not get paid.

5. Robbie is again swinging for a first pitch out just when Hughes needs time to re-gather himself. Immediately after the Yanks spent about 10 seconds batting in the bottom of the second inning, Phil trudges back to the mound and gives up the two runs in the top of the third.

6. The announcers just can't shut up about the impending "600th" Hr for A-rod. It is the only sentence they know how to say.

7. Splitting with the Royals will cost us big time and not because we'll lose a game in the standings. Because, Brian will conclude Hughes is done, Andy's gone, Mitre's a joke and we need another loser, like Dan Hendren or whatever his name is.

This Henren person was once a capable pitcher, but he is a consistent loser now for the Diamondbacks and will cost us Nova, Jesus and another pitcher who could turn out good. The Diamondbacks are still ruining us.

8. I tell you now that we should not do this deal, and will forever regret it if we make this trade. Remember; Brian's track record in dealing prospects for veterans is like our country's war record in the middle east.

And like our Government, Brian never learns from his mistakes.

8. Please take note; we once again have our "B" team out there, and we can't get a hit against the worst team on the planet.

I can't watch. Phil will be done after 5 innings and 5 runs against a AAA team.

Unless we can score 10, we can't win. It is already over.

Jesus strucketh downeth... by Rochester or God?

Last night, a pitcher for the Rochester Redwings, soon to be known as the Rochester Eternally Deadwings, threw a pitch that hitteth Jesus Montero on the wristeth.

Jesus lefteth the game. He can heal Scranton's batting woes, but he cannot instantly healeth himselfeth.

Make no mistake. This might be God's doing. God scuttled the Cliff Lee trade by spraining David Adams' ankle, causing the Mariners to question their faith, back out of the deal and flee like frightened barn swallows toward the sanctuary of the Texas Rangers.

Now, with the trade deadline looming, and every team in baseball with an overpriced, sore-armed tub of trouble in their rotation looking to ensnare the Yankees in a savior-lifting deal... Jesus is stricken down, like lightning from above. He might be out a game. He might be out a week. 

Will this injury ensure that he remains a Yankee? God only knows.


Saturday, July 24, 2010

Kyle Davies, you blew it

For the rest of your life, every time you drive past a baseball card convention, think of what you could have been. Think of the money you could have made for your wife and children.

Yes, your children.

But no, Kyle. You wanted to win today's game for Kansas City.

You put the Royals ahead of your family.

You don't deserve to be Arod's 500th and 600th home run pitcher. Your priorities are not in order.

Kyle Davies, Destiny is calling

One pitch today, and you will go into the hall.

One pitch today, and you will go on Letterman

One pitch today, and you might cohost Arod's talk show someday.

Have you ever wanted to meet Cameron Diaz?

One pitch.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Zach Greinke, Future Yankee?

Zach Greinke, long and lanky,
Had no reason to be cranky,

Kansas had thrown in the hanky,
Making Zach a future Yankee?

So the Royals, in the tanky.
All gummed up in hanky-panky,

Could get Jesus for Zach Greinke,
And then hear, "We Yankees thank ye."

Where am I?

Arod nearing milestone of bedding 600th celebrity

Cynthia. Madonna. Kate. Cameron. Melissa. Kristin. Debbie. Edith. et al.

This could be a gala lay-la weekend in the Bronx, as Arod continues his magical assault on the legacies of Fidel and Wilt for the all-time Ladies Auxillary Home Run Stud charts. Alex notched No. 599 Thursday, and No. 600 could happen by noon today.

Here's the unofficial all time Man Home Run Derby leaders  courtesy of the Daily Beast. (Come on, are they claiming Mick Jagger isn't on it? )

1. FIDEL CASTRO: (35,000, "Fidel the Infidel," think: population of Fort Myers, FL; eight kids by 4 ladies)

2. WILT CHAMBERLAIN (estimated 20,000 by own count, "The Stilt" claimed not one was ugly)

3. WARREN BEATTY (12,000, "Clyde," notched Jane Fonda AND Madonna, but not at same time)

4. CHARLE SHEEN (5,000, "the Bambino," used Heidi Fleiss as Scranton-Wilkes Barre farm club)

5. GENE SIMMONS (4,000, including Cher, most done while in Kiss make-up)

6. HUGH HEFNER ("thousands," Barbi Benton, still active, through use of Performance Enhancing Drugs)

7. JACK NICHOLSON (2,000, Faye Dunaway, famous for saying after each climax, "It's Chinatown!")

8. ERIC CLAPTON (1,000, "the Clap," Sheryl Crow, entire population of Woodstock, NY)

9. MAGIC JOHNSON (1,000, career tragically cut short by HIV)

10. AROD (599, looking to score this weekend on YES)

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Note from a friend

"had the privilege of going to old timer's game on Saturday with my dad, uncle and cousin via a bus trip from bingo down to the bronx. (thanks for picking this weekend for bridal shower mom, that let me go to the game, woohoo!).

"while we were getting tossed around by the rays, i went to the museum. it was around the 5th or 6th inning. someone tells me, "hey, ron guidry is in here!" so i go over to where the gator is. in front of munson's locker. he's with diana munson. she was crying into his shoulder. it got a little dusty in there, i can tell you that.

"thanks for a great website.

"go yanks, go orange."

Next Yankee Death, and We'll Have to Consider Ankle Bracelets

Shep and George got patches. Ralph Houk gets a black armband.

I figure Yogi -- and I'm not wanting this, by the way -- would require a major accessory. Maybe everybody wears Number 8? And then there's Whitey. 

Soon, not only will we not have any more uniform numbers to be retired, but we won't have any more space on the uniforms to mourn our greats. 

Jesus Smoaked

The fans will grow bitter
Smoak will lose his glitter;
His bat grows colder
His future projects less bolder
And all because of the lord that got away...

Carl Crawford: The Poem

Carl, in a happier time.

Carl Crawford, Tampa Ray,
Hit for power, raised the bar,
Stole the bases, then one day,
Took a lead one step too far.

Carl Crawford, playing hard,
His whole career, one great move up,
Flashing leather! Going yard!
And never tethered by a cup.

Carl Crawford,Tampa's prince,
Three time all-star, no one's fool.
Made this planet watch and wince.
A man with nuts, ground into gruel.

Carl Crawford, baseball great,
Stealing bases, climbing walls!
But when he steps up to the plate,
Here is the count: One strike, no balls.

The Third Shoe Drops

Ralph Houk, the first Yankee manager I ever knew, the Major, died yesterday at age 80.

Great Yankee.

Altered BP photos found at leak headquarters

Fortunately, eagle-eyed observers noticed that something wasn't right.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Carl Crawford still icing his billiards

They're calling it "a testicular contusion."

Who thought that one up? George Will?

From now on, I'm calling it Crawford Cribbage Cramps. Good grief, it'll take four days to get the swelling down to pumpkin sizes, another three to uncross the poor guy's eyes. That man took a sledge hammer. James Bond supervillians, in their death scenes, don't experience such intense, knee-buckling pain. He claims he's still not going to wear a cup.

We'll see.

Miracle Montero Masters Moosic: Jeez Clubs Two

Jeez Montero bashedeth two HRs Tuesday night, both opposite field miracles, in the above-ground diamond mine located in the Anthracite Capital of the World -- yea unto Scranton! -- alternative home to Dwight Shrute and Vice President Joe Bite-Me!

Tonight, 3 for 3 with a double. Since the all-star break, he's batting .524.

In fact, ever since we betrayed Jesus in a trade -- only to have the deal scuttled by a large, bearded Voice from Heaven, which almost perfectly coincided with the calling of George Steinbrenner to meet his maker -- Montero has ascendedeth onto a team-saving tear: 4 homers, a flock of base hits and he's been driving in runners like money-changers from a temple.

Listen: In May, he hit .214. In June, he hit .283. In July, he's hitting .383. And get this... for the season, with runners in scoring position, he's hitting .308.

Another couple weeks of hitting like this -- if breaketh .300 down there -- we won't have to worry about trading for a DH. And we might thank God the deal never went down.


Cre8ive Technol0gies™

"In life, George Steinbrenner beat the Red Sox. In death, he beat the IRS..."

By dying this year, George left his sons an extra $500 million.

$140 M = 6 years, Albert Pujols
$120 M = 7 years, Carl Crawford
$110 M = 6 years, Cliff Lee
$60 M = 3 years, Derek Jeter
$40 M = 2 years, Mariano Rivera
$30 M = cigarettes for Hank.

Which Yankee Manager Would Do Best On Survivor?

Jimmy Johnson's reportedly competing.

Which living Yankee manager of the last 30 years would fare best?

You decide.

My money's on Yogi.

A-Rod: High Praise For Piniella Not Linked To Torre's "The Yankee Years", Girardi's Braces

More about it here.

Here We Go Again

I was nursing a bad stomach yesterday, drinking only bloody mary's with beer chasers.

The tv at my end of the bar had the Yankee game on My 9, which I hate to watch because it is owned by the Fox Fascists. But I digress.

As soon as I heard that Kazmir had been scratched, and that some steroid sucking AAA prospect had been brought up to pitch for the Angels, I knew we had no shot.

I think we all knew it. The Yankees just cannot and will not hit a pitcher they haven't seen before. So this time it was some dude named O'Sullivan ( Sullivan isn't good enough to let us know his heritage? ) who buries ceramics to insure his outings, and who had pitched a no-hitter in Utah.

At first, it looked as if the Yankees might not perform to standard. Swish went deep and the Yanks loaded the bases. Some nagging fear caused me to think that the Yanks were going to fail in this situation, rather than blow the game open right there.

They did fail, They scored two runs on two hits. Seven innings later, they still had two runs and two hits. Here is what went wrong:

1. Hughes is supposed to have 4 pitches. He only used two. His fastball was up and meaty. After about five straight guys had whacked it, Posada kept calling for it until the game was tied. What's he thinking?

2. The ump squeezed Hughes from moment one. When he dared to throw a breaking ball, it had to be in the center of the plate to be called a strike. And you know what major league hitters can do with that. Posada, if he was calling the game, was awful.

3. Can we finally, for about the twentieth time, conclude that whatever Albaledejo does in the minors is only good for the minors? He is the Kei Igawa of relievers. All the Yankees were gushing about his numbers when he was activated. He struck out 61 and walked only 12. His ERA was below 1.0. Blah, blah, blah....

We saw the same old bum who can't throw a strike, whose pitches are all up in the zone, and who needs about 40 pitches to get out of an inning after giving up 3-4 runs.

If George were still alive, Alby would be back on the bus to Scranton today! Let's do him the honor. Let's show somebody that incompetence at the major league level won't cut it.

4. Clearly, Joe saw that this was going to be one of those games where we make the AAA starter for their side look like the second coming of Sandy Koufax, so he didn't use any real pitchers, after Hughes' imitation of Mike Pelfrey. This was the only good decision he made all night. But the players knew the towel had been thrown into the ring.

5. I have commented before about our "B" team. When we have Miranda, Russo, Curtis, or Pena in the lineup we cannot win. Our bench is amongst the worst in baseball, in case anyone is looking.

6. And what's with the coaches? After Hughes was nearly exhausted getting out of the second inning, our batters all hit the first pitch for outs and he was right back out there sweating, grunting and throwing fastballs up and in the middle.

The game was lost right there, as the Angels blew him up. Should the coaches see what I saw, or do they need 10 drinks, too?

Here's an idea for a situation like that, tell each hitter to wait until they have two strikes before swinging at anything. Tell them to step out and adjust their unit. Anything. Give Phil a breather. But they didn't, and this isn't the first time I have seen this team do that. It guaranteed that Phil would not have a chance to re-gather himself.

7. Can't wait until AJ pitches again. I hope he breaks his arm hitting himself. He is, too, Kevin Brown re-incarnate.

8. We better send Jesus to get Oswalt.

10 Reasons Lou Piniella belongs in Cooperstown

1. Nobody ever showed more grace by falling to his knees and windmilling his arms, while screaming at the ump.

2. He deeked Rick Burleson, blinded on Jerry Remy's fly.

3. He worked for Marge Schott, George Steinbrenner and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

4. Nobody ever showed more soccer skill, kicking his cap, while screaming at the ump.

5. In 1978, after we lost the first two WS games, he flatly said the Yankees would sweep the Dodgers the rest of the way.

6. First MLB player thrown out at first, second, third and home in one game.

7. Tino Martinez grew up across the street in Tampa.

8. Nobody ever lifted bases from their anchors and threw them, while screaming at umps.

9. He broke in at age 26 through the expansion draft.



Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Andy Pettitte no longer has the best pickoff move in baseball

Despite seepage around wellhead, cap to remain in place... for now

It's Always Sparkly In The Hudson Valley

We could dish light-hitting Jeter off before contract runs out and maybe get a decent prospect

Let's face it: Cashman cannot be so obsessed with the next three months that he forgets to strengthen our long term farm system. And while it certainly hurts to deal the captain, we can't just hold onto old faves merely because they sit around the clubhouse with gums blackened by chaw, sputtering Choo Choo Coleman wisdoms and handing out towels. Remember: When the dear disappear, someone else is always near.

Jeet's batting barely .275, which means he still has trade value for a lefty lugnut such as Scott Downs or prospects. The KCity Royals have a strong system. If we add money to the till, Jeter would net us live arms for Trenton. It could be the biggest steal since we traded Elston Howard to Boston for Ron Klimkowski.

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Live arms for Trenton is a great idea, Duque, but who then plays shortstop?"

Hah! That's exactly what I wanted you to say! We happen to have two of the best shortstops in the game: Robbie Cano and Alex Rodriguez.

I say, deal Jeet, move Arod to SS -- where he needn't worry about home runs because he's now a fielder -- and bring up Brandon Laird, the Titan of Trenton, to play third. 

Prospects, ARod, Laird, we win the World Series, then sign the humbled Jeet in December for pennies on the dollar!

Monday, July 19, 2010

The weakest link: The Yankee Nad

What is going on here?

There Is Only One Thing To Do Now

Cashman's disastrous trades and non-trades have left us with an empty bench, AAA hitters all over the place, a depleted minor league

system ( again ) and a team highly exposed to injuries due to an average age of 44+ amongst our superstars.

With Andy's barking groin now likely to have him out of shape and off our mound until September, Cashman has to make another non trade.

I propose; Jesus, the gimpy second baseman, Andy Brackman and Kevin Russo for Roy Oswalt.

We'll pay everyone's salary for 12 years.

And then we can watch Roy go to Boston for a 36 year old minor league catcher.

This is absolutely the worst best-team-in-baseball in history

I've had it with Cashman's underachieving garage sale collection of overpaid, china-doll, do-nothing diva/misifts! Can't we do anything right?

For the best team in baseball, we're pathetic. We have no starter who can pitch into the fourth without need of a heart fibulator. Every trade backfires. We gave away Austin Jackson for what? the second coming of Bubba Crosby? Have I mentioned Nick Johnson yet? Mr. Ow-I-Hurt-My-Wrist-On-That-Checked-Swing? Is Tex going to hit .280? Does anybody have confidence in Joba? Give me five minutes alone with AJ Burnett, and you better believe his knuckles will be swollen -- from trying to defend himself! Yeesh, we couldn't even betray Jesus of Scranton without losing the deal to Texas.

We may beat the Rays and Redsocks, finish with the best record in baseball, roll through the playoffs and  humiliate the National League winner in the World Series, maybe even sweep through October... but if the Steinbrenner boyz expect me to accept this sad state of affairs, they better think twice!

I'm sick and tired of watching this team lose one of every three games. 

Sunday, July 18, 2010

When The Yankees Descend Down That Lost Highway.......

AJ Burnett will lead us there.

This guy looks like a .500 pitcher.

I am sick of hearing how he has "electric" stuff.

So do certain eels.

He is a roll of the dice every time he stands on the mound.

He is mental and not with acuity.

He should be our number 5 starter.

We can throw him into any trade package for a decent player.

Where is my bicycle?

Letter to the Editor: "I do thank him for leaving us without sex and sex-mails..."

Tallahassee Democrat (Florida)

July 16, 2010 Friday

Dear Editor:

I don't watch a lot of baseball. What I know about owners and players I know from my son and husband. One reason I like the game is that the stands are one of the few places where everyone is equal. You can be a doctor, lawyer or chief, and if your son or daughter is on the team, they count - you don't.

New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner died this week, and even though I never paid much attention to him, I do thank him for leaving us without sex and sex e-mails and sex phone calls and nasty sex trysts uncovered. He was loved and he was hated, and not much in between.

I love him for not leaving a mountain of trash we would have had to listen to for days on end. And for leaving his smile. His pictures are full of his smiles and the good memories, as it should be. He will be missed.


Ten reasons why AJ Burnett is not the Second Coming of Kevin Brown

1. He'd never do something stupid, like hurt his hand out of frustration.

2. It's not as if he pitched better elsewhere than with the Yankees.

3. When he takes the mound, we always know what to expect.

4. Uhh.. different numbers... never played for the Dodgers... not named in Mitchell Report... loves pie... help me here... class?

Letter to the Editor: "That wonderfully distinct voice..."

Hartford Courant (Connecticut)

July 14, 2010

Dear Editor:

Any baseball fan, or sports fan for that matter, was no doubt saddened to learn of the death of longtime Yankee announcer Bob Sheppard [Sports, July 12, "This Voice Needed No Intro"]. But reflecting on his life should bring only joy. Because what a life it was, from World War II service to voice professor at St. Johns University to announcing more sports events than anyone could imagine.

But his signature work was done at Yankees Stadium, where his rich voice resonated for more than five decades, creating memories that will last even longer. Perhaps nothing could better symbolize the legacy that was to be his career than April 17, 1951. On that day, he announced Mickey Mantle's debut in the Yankee lineup, and it was also, fittingly, Mr. Sheppard's debut as the Yankee public address announcer. Those millions of people who have heard him will each have his or her own memory of that wonderfully distinct voice.

Norman L. Bender, Woodbridge

Saturday, July 17, 2010


"Burnett sustained the cuts after pushing open the clubhouse doors in disgust after giving up two runs in the top of the second inning. He nicked his hands on the plastic holder where the lineup card goes.... Burnett originally told the trainer Steve Donohue that he hurt himself tripping up the stairs, but was remorseful after the game for not initially telling the truth." NY Times

Still think he needs to get fixed...

Yankees, Steinbrenner, buried

Oh, well, at least George didn't have to see it.

After winning a game, instead of pies, should the hero Yankee run madly down the field, slide to his knees and tear off his shirt?

Let's face it. We'll never figure out the vuvenzela thing. But the other great enduring moment of the World Cup was the Pamela Anderson moment: the goal-scorer runs excitedly, flings himself to the earth and tears off his shirt, showing a divine pair of breasts.

Frankly, pies are sooo 2009. It's time for a new act, and snuggies are not an option.