Damned Yankees (from our 1998 file)

DAMMED YANKEES

By Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely

October 11, 1998
Syracuse Herald American

[Spring training. An office decorated with pictures of race horses. GEORGE sits hunched over radio.]

ANNOUNCER: … and that’s the game, the Yankees lose. We’ll be-

GEORGE: BAH! [Angrily turns off radio.] I can’t take it anymore. I’d sell my soul for the perfect team! [Pauses, brightens with an idea.] Let me repeat myself. I’D SELL MY IMMORTAL SOUL FOR A TEAM THAT ALWAYS WINS!

The DEVIL appears in a puff of smoke.

DEVIL: Yes, George?

GEORGE: I wish to trade my immortal soul for an unbeatable Yankee team.
DEVIL: [Sighs] First off, I’ve owned your immortal soul since you fired Yogi Berra, OK? Secondly, I don’t want you, George. You’re bad publicity. What else you got?

GEORGE: [Thinking.] Money? Horses? The city of Tampa? Wait, I know! The Yankees legacy! Joltin’ Joe, Mantle and Maris, House that Ruth Built – that whole pinstripes thing.

DEVIL: You’d sell that? Why?

GEORGE: It’s the Bronx. I want out. I need a new stadium – a nicer location and luxury boxes. Cleveland, Baltimore, Texas – they got new stadiums. Listen, Dev, to win nowadays, you’ve got to… well… [Music up…]

You gotta have a parrrrrrrk…!
All ya really need’s a parrrrrrk…!
When you got one if you lose Mattingly,
You run out and sign Will Clark…

GEORGE and THE DEVIL sing “PARK.”

GEORGE: [Extends hand.] Here’s my offer: Win me more games than any team in history, and that “Pride of the Yankees” stuff is all yours.

DEVIL: [Takes hand.] In the name of Jay Buhner, it’s a deal!

[Next day, GEORGE in office. General Manager Brian Cashman enters.]

GEORGE: [Into phone.]: OK, it’s a deal! Bye. [Hangs up phone.] What brings you here, Watson?

CASHMAN: It’s Cashman, sir.

GEORGE: Of course it is. Kid, that was Minnesota on the line. I just traded three minor leaguers – I forget the names – for Chuck Knoblauch.

CASHMAN: But I thought they refused our offer?

GEORGE: Something changed their minds.

CASHMAN: Sir, this is great! With Chuck Knoblauch, we could challenge the world champion Marlins! Now, if we can only resign Bernie Williams!

GEORGE: Forget him. Bernie wants $10 million.

CASHMAN: But Bernie’s the soul of the Yankees. [Music up] As far as I’m concerned…

Whatever Berrrrrrnie wants…
Berrrrrnie gets…

[CASHMAN sings “Whatever Bernie Wants.”]


GEORGE: That’s it! Let’s sign Bernie Getz!

[After song, manager JOE TORRE bursts into office.]


TORRE: Guys! Great news! David Cone’s arm has healed; he’s throwing without pain! And David Wells just called; he’s off the bottle, and his gout’s cleared up! Not only that, but a Cuban raft just washed up ashore with El Duque on it. He wants to pitch for the Yankees! It’s incredible!

CASHMAN: We have been blessed!

[Thunder off in the distance.]


GEORGE: Yeah, that must be it. OK, boys, back to work. Say, uh, Watsman, have you finished secretly weakening that steel joint over Mezzanine Section 22?

[November 13. Joyful Yankee locker room, after winning the World Series. GEORGE stands with announcer BOB COSTAS, New Jersey Gov. CHRISTINE TODD WHITMAN and Mayor RUDY GUILIANI.]

WHITMAN: Congratulations, George. To honor the Yankees, we’ll start building “Steinbrenner Stadium” tomorrow.

GIULIANI: Don’t listen to her, George. We’re leveling Manhattan for your new “Luxury Box Field.”

COSTAS: George, is it true you’ll let Bernie Williams sign with Arizona, and you’re firing Joe Torre?

GEORGE: Well, much as I like Bernie, we just can’t afford him. And as for Joe? Much as I like him, I just think we can do better.

[DEVIL appears. Everybody but GEORGE freezes.]


GEORGE: So, you’re here for the Yankees’ legacy?

DEVIL: Actually, George, I’ve had a change of heart. I’m taking Roger Maris’ home run record, but I’m leaving you in charge of the club. You’re doing a great job. I wouldn’t change a thing.

GEORGE: But don’t you want a piece of baseball?

[Spring training, next year. An office decorated with pictures of Bigfoot. RUPERT MURDOCH sits hunched over a radio.]


RUPERT: Damm! Another bloody loss! I’d sell my soul for some Dodger blokes who could win! Hey! Yoo-hoo? Anybody down there listening?