Who the eff is Max Schuemann? And why is he leading the Yankees over the last two weeks?

Yankee stats over last 15 days

Maxwell Smart. 

That's what we need to start calling Max Schuemann... because, not only does he play smartly, but the way the Yankiverse overlooks him, you'd think he bats inside the Cone of Silence. (Note: This is a generational joke from the brilliant sixties TV series Get Smart; if you are younger than 70, you probably don't get it. Sorry about that, Chief.) 

But but BUT... I'm talking about Max Schuemann's recent hitting spree: Two HRs in 18 ABs, and a .333 average over the last 15 days. 

This can't last, right? He'll soon crash - a Zolio Almonteian 0-for-32 awaits him, right? 

Well, in the meantime, wouldja believe that this guy never posts a bad plate appearance? Wouldja believe he never embarrasses himself? Wouldja believe the next Cabby? How about the next Clay Bellinger? The next Oswaldo...? 

So, who is Maxwell Carter Schueman? Ten fun facts about the Yankees most mysterious utility widget.

1. He's 29 and was born in Kalamazoo, Michigan. In 2014, his junior year, he was named to the Kalamazoo area high school "Dream Team."

2. He attended Eastern Michigan University for three years.

3. Oakland selected him in the 20th round of the 2018 draft. 

4. Like everybody, he missed a year in the minors due to Covid.

5. He has played for the Midland RockHounds, the Las Vegas Avaiators and - my fave - the Lansing Lugnuts. He set a Lugnut record by stealing five bases in one game.

6. He reached the majors in 2024 after an injury to Brent Rooker. 

7. For Oakland, as a rookie, he played in 133 games, hitting .220 with 7 HRs. 

8. He was Oakland's nominee for the 2024 "Heart and Hustle Award," given to the MLB player who most embodies the "values, spirit and traditions of the game."

9. Last year, he regressed. Badly. Over 101 games with the A's, he batted a below- Mendoza .197 with 2 HRs. 

10. Last February, the A's waived him, then traded him to the Yankees for a Dominican pitcher named Luis Burgos. (He is 20, currently of the Stockton Ports, with an ERA of 8.57.) 

But I like that 2024 Heart and Hustle thing. About three weeks ago, he walked on a 3-2 count, shedding his batting armor and jogging to first, while the catcher and umpire awaited the Ball/Strike replay challenge. The pitch turned out to be ball four. By then, Schuemann was halfway to first. Maxwell Smart. Wouldja believe it?

Its Friday - No Volpe - A Puke-Free Weaver – Rosario Leading off and BOONE REMAINS OUR GUY !!!

  

Yellow Matter Custard

Dripping from a Dead Dog's Eye

Crabalocker Fish Wife

Pornographic Priestess

Boy you've been a naughty girl

You let your knickers down

(rinse / repeat)

We are deep within the most terrifying month on the Yankee calendar

You've heard of Hope Week, right? When the Yankees spotlight heartwarming stories of humanity? It's a nice event, I guess, even if - say - Hideki Irabu comes to hang himself, in a house outside of LA, without a note, 14 Hope Weeks after debuting before 52,000 in Yankee Stadium. Nope. Things don't always work out. But there's always hope, right? 

This year, Yankee Hope Week came and went in June. Thus, this is Despair Week, the last flicker before the All-Star break, the scariest time on the Yankee calendar. It's a week full of land mines, capable of ruining not just 2026, but the next decade. This is Fear Week, with its share of Babadooks ready to terrorize Yank fans everywhere...

1. The last series before the All-Star break. (That's tonight by the way.) Last year, the Yankees had won four straight, as they faced the Cubs. They won the first game 11-0 and were poised to catch Toronto by the break. Then - poof - eight hits over their last two games. 

For a veteran roster, the Yankees annually seem to smell the steaks they'll soon be grilling over their three-day vacation. They want to the all-star break by a few nights. Tonight, they face Washington, a young team that just nudged itself over .500. The Yankees have looked awful against National League teams this year. Will they start their vacations early?  

2. The Home Run Derby. Lately, we breathe easier knowing that Judge will not subject himself to this fake event. (Everyone remembers 2017, his rookie year, when Judge swung himself madly into a second-half slump, which eventually cost him the MVP award.) Ever since, we've gleefully let the Schwarbers and Polar Bears have their way. (Last year, it's worth noting that Judge was hitting .355, going into the break. Dear God, the Yankees are soooo screwed without him.)

But last year, we sent Jazz Chisholm into the grinder. 

Last July, Jazz inexplicably decided he could be a home run brute, akin to the human kitchen appliances like Cal Raleigh and Junior Caminero. He ridiculously signed up for the derby, and went out early in the first round, hitting three (3) HRs. 

He came into the break with 17, and managed 14 the rest of the way. Then, last winter, he vowed to hit 50, a prediction that has dogged him ever since.

This year, we're sacrificing Ben Rice, and I speak for the Yankiverse is saying ,with due respect... NOOOOO! DON'T DO THIS. STOP! NOW! YOU WILL WRECK A SHOULDER. THE DERBY IS PISS! DON'T GET SUCKED INTO IT!

3. The Cashmanic Trade Deadline. It falls before midnight, July 31, though the torture wrack rumor mill has already begun. 

The Yankees have a long list of needs and a short list of prospects to spackle over last year's mistakes. This year, we have two glaring leftovers from the 2025 deadline - Jake Bird and Camilo Doval - neither of whom has bonded with Yank fans. 

The Gammonites will go hog wild with speculative theories of who the Yankees will obtain. It's all crap. We've got three weeks of it. You'd think it was Hope Month. And we're at the end of our rope.

Thursday Game Thread – Every Day Should Be √s Tampa Bay !

A few more losses, and the Yankees should consider selling at the trade deadline

 

It won't happen, of course. 

The Yankees never look at the long haul - not in July, anyway.

Nope. Three weeks from now, Cooperstown Cashman will do what he always does: bundle prospects, along with home and car insurance, and trade the Yankee future for a few bullpen lug nuts who have already thrown more pitches than in any previous summers of their careers. 

When you buy a used Mustang, you come to own every mile, every storm, every pothole, that it's been driven through. You own the leaking oil, the twitchy turn-signal and the strange scent of the compartment. You own the elbow, the rotator cuff, the hamstring. You buy it all. 

But Cashman will do what Cashman does: Trade youth for age, tomorrow for yesterday, the future for the past. He'll land a mid-thirties RH catcher and some bullpen stopgaps, and he'll be hailed by YES as baseball's version of Peter Minuit. Then the wheels will start creaking.

What if the Yankees did this... 

1. Trade Anthony Volpe. (This might actually happen, as he is being booed at home.) The problem: They won't get much, trading a guy in the pit of his career. Also, you can't help but think Volpe could blossom, once he escapes the hometown hero bullshit that the Yankees piled onto him.  But George Lombard Jr. is coming, and it's time they started destroying the next kid on Lucy's chocolates conveyor belt.

2. Trade Giancarlo Stanton. Or release him. Or something. This won't happen, because over the years, the brain trust has made peace with Stanton playing 50 games per season. If they paid part of his $29 million salary - the Marlins are already coughing up $10 million - they might get a low-level lottery ticket. 

3. Trade Jazz Chisholm. I feel bad suggesting this, as I have come to enjoy Chisholm's antics. The foul to his balls. The lollypop. The embarrassing pitch call challenges. The cockeyed way he wears his cap. Guy's always up to something. I believe he plays as hard as any Yankee, and when he gets on base, he runs wild. He could lead MLB in stolen bases (he's currently third.) And he would fetch a decent haul. 

4. Trade Paul Goldschmidt. Again, he's a fan fave, a great player and a future Hall of Fame cusp candidate. He can help any team. Trouble is, he's 0-for-34 and has struck out 10 of his last 12 plate appearances. Has any player been more in need of a week off? 

5. Frankly, trade anybody over 32 who is not named Aaron Judge. I think we've seen enough to know that the 2026 Yankees are not a Team of Destiny. It's fun to imagine Judge returning and magically rallying the lineup. But why kid ourselves. When he does come back, he'll need to DH, rather than subject his tender rib to the rigors of right field. That leaves the Yankees with four DHs - Stanton, Judge, Goldy and Rice. 

Seriously, I think we've seen enough. Play The Martian. Play Spencer Jones. Bring up Lombard and Elmer. Let's see what happens. It can't be worse than this.

Afternoon game today. Beware. 

Sing-a-Long with the Crøønin' Bøøne – Game Thread !

 

K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K. Seventeen K's, as Yanks set all-time record for squalor

Seventeen K's on Monday...

Seventeen K's last night...

Seventeen K's... First AL team ever to fan 17 times in back-to-back - (and belly-to-belly!) - nine-inning games. 

Seventeen K's... Franchise record over two games. 

Seventeen K's... Most whiffs in baseball since June 18. 

Seventeen K's... And not one walk. 

Seventeen K's... At one point, Jose Caballero laid down his bat on a 3-2 payoff pitch and started jogging to first, well before the call. Strike three, of course. But points for style? 

Seventeen K's... Against Koufax and Drysdale, right? Well, how about Garrett Clevenger, Ian Seymore, Bryan Baker, Cam Booze and Kevin Kelly. The greats...

Seventeen K's... And the K-Man himself, Spencer Jones, never touched a bat. (He's in Scranton, which won last night 18-3, though Jones somehow went 0-4 with two K's.)

Seventeen K's... Only two Golden Sombreros - Goldie and Cabby. The rest of the lineup chipped in. A team effort.

Seventeen K's... "A little bit of a funk," said manager Boonie. (One of these days, I swear he's going to give us a "Liberty-biberty.")

Seventeen K's... Mitch McConnell had a more sentient night.

Seventeen K's... Hey, ya can't win 'em all. right?

Seventeen K's. Five games behind Tampa in the loss column... seven above Boston. 

Seventeen K's. And tonight, 17 more?

Game Thread º7•º7•27 HAL SPEAKS !

 

For one night, the Yankees shine. Ten takeaways...

 

That was a big Yankee win. 

(Note: Every win is a big Yankee win.) 

Now, what? Ten ponderings of the unponderable...

1. I've always heard that Trump is a Yank fan. So why hasn't he accused umps of cheating? Or, at the least, demanded that Hal spend more money? 

2. Gotta believe Jose Caballero's two HRs last night signaled an end to Anthony Volpe in NY. The question now is whether the Yankees can get anything decent in return. A bullpen widget? A backup catcher? Not a lot of hope here. But it's now six years since his breakout season in the minors, and the Yankees have never stopped hyping him. That's a long, long wait. Soon, it will be over. 

3. Cam Schlittler should pitch next weekend, killing his chance to start in the All-Star Game. He is unquestionably the best pitcher in the AL, with a 9-5 record and 2.01 ERA. If he does not pitch in the All-Star game, the honor would probably fall to - gulp - Sonny Gray. (10-1, 2.61 ERA) adding another smear of incompetence onto Brian Cashman's record.

4. I keep telling people to fear Boston. They have a young team, they've won eight of 10, and they've been far too awful to still be this close. 

5. Recent slump sends Ben Rice into the All-Star game with an uninspiring batting average on the Jumbotron. He's down to .267. He's still hitting HRs - fourth in the AL - but nobody is missing Aaron Judge more. Rice is hitting a shit-ton of grounders, and he now seems to be swinging for the fences more than in the past. Is there no coach to straighten him out? 

6. Yankees' silence on Giancarlo is a loud siren signaling that he will not be back until September, hoping to warm up for the postseason. What a fiasco. I don't begrudge the man his contract, and injuries are injuries - (poor guy can't open a bag of chips) - but at some point, the Yankees must cut bait. This perpetual wait, marred by setback after setback, you can't run a baseball team this way. You cannot win without hungry players, and the Yankees are a country club. 

7. The failure of Austin Wells this season has been utterly breathtaking. The guy has 10 RBIs. Ten. He's played 61 games. Ten RBIs. Ten. And yet they have nobody in the system, having traded all their catchers (Higashiyoka , Narvaez, Sanchez, Torrens, Trevino, Torres...) Ten.

8. The Martian is running out of time. He's probably got another month, while Aaron Judge slowly mends. But .209 with 4 HRs isn't cutting it. The biggest disappointment of 2026 remains the nothingburger (thus far) from Jasson Dominguez and Spencer Jones. 

9. Apparently, no Yankees were invited to Trav and Tays's super-party mega-blast. Back in the day, you couldn't imagine ten celebrities getting together without Jeet or A-Rod in the mix. Now, no A-Listers? Not even Judge? Sad.

10. The best hitter in baseball is Jordan Alvarez. The second best? Juan Soto. And he's still not worth it. 

USA s-u-c-k-s, Yankees get three hits, three dingers

 Donuts for everybody!!!!

Monday Night Game Thread - Same old Schlitt in Tampa Bay ? We'll See . . . .

 

So here we go. Early July, a season on the brink, and an end in sight to the era of Aaron Boone.

My god, they're like a talk show panel, spitting applause lines to a studio audience.

"We're not good right now," says Gerrit Cole/Joy Behar. 

"We've got to remember who we are," says Jazz Chisholm/Whoopie Goldberg.

Applause. Well, who the Yankees are should be easy to remember. They are a 13-year cicada manifestation, rebirthed from 2013, the year of Lyle Overbay and Melky Mesa, when they finished 3rd in the AL East.  

The Yanks have now botched nine of 10, tumbling like socks in a drier, after yesterday's phoned-in fiasco with Minesota. Everybody's got an excuse. Everybody's got a tag line. And everybody agrees on the problem: Affordability Focus.

"Losing sucks," says Aaron Boone/Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

Applause. Like last year, eh? In fact, this is last year's team, kept intact through Brian Cashman's experiments in cryonics. Right now, this team will be remembered for Jake Bird and Max Schuemann, and for its ridiculous collapse after Aaron Judge cracked a rib.  

Listen: If we live long enough, we will laugh at the memory of 2026: 

The last season of Aaron Boone. 

Applause. Yes, this is it. This is the team that ends Boone's reign. (Note: It won't take out Cashman. Whatever he has on Hal Steinbrenner, it must be Epstein Island-level shit.) But this can take out a Yankee manager.

Tonight, in Tampa, the trap door opens, and we see what lies below. 

Losing four in Tampa - easy to imagine, considering our recent play - would put the Yankees nine games behind the Rays in the loss column. From now on, they'd be chasing a wild card. 

Losing four could leave the Yankees tied with Cleveland in that wild card scrum, one game ahead of Texas, currently a .500 team.

Losing four could leave them a mere four ahead of Boston, with nearly a half-season left. 

Losing four would leave them five games above .500. 

People, we are standing on the precipice, looking out over a deathly hellscape, and preparing to leap. It's cold down there. Pronk, Lyle, Melky and the gang are waiting to catch us. So are the ghosts of Stump Merrill and Dallas Green. This could be the last Great Yankee meltdown in our lives. 

I know it hurts. I know it's scary. But don't be afraid. Breathe in the impending gloom and step forward. Soon, Boonie will be gone. This is the year it happens. And maybe, just maybe, this is the week. 

Applause.

He wasn't the only one

(Thanks, Ranger.)

P.S. 

NEW YORK — The New York Yankees continue to back struggling reliever Camilo Doval — and he feels like he’s actually in a better spot than ever before.

“In my career as a pitcher,” Doval said, “I’ve never felt this good.”

 

As the Yankees continue to fall apart - Today's game features RYAN √s WEATHERS. Imagine that!

 You can almost smell his, uh . . . like, uhm - you know . . .

wheels spinning

It's Not Working.

 

It was a Tale of Two Carloses these past couple weeks, as both the Yankees' ever-unreliable, no. 2 or 3 or 4 starter, Carlos Rodon, friend of the fan, went on the DL. Again.

Joining him was the Yanks' latest "great new arm of the future," Carlos Lagrange, who the Bombers should have put in their bullpen to start the season, so they could have at least got a decent half-year out of what is certain to be yet another, sad career of rehab stints, imagings, and promising comeback outings, down in the far-flung outposts of the Yankees' crumbling empire.

At 33, Carlos Rodon has never thrown 200 innings in a season. And yet, he joins Max Fried, who has also never thrown 200 innings in a season, on the DL.  

Carlos the Younger, who is 23, has never thrown more than the 120 he reached last season. Didn't help.

Gerrit Cole has thrown over 200 innings in a season. He is just coming back from his second, extended DL stint. If "coming back" is what he's doing.

The prevailing idea in baseball now is that you bring pitchers along slowly, and they slowly gain arm strength (and bulk) and are  able to go longer as they get older.

But the fact is that doesn't happen with your New York Yankees.

The young guys get hurt, the older guys get hurt. They are coddled, they are instructed, they take all kinds of pills to give 'em all kinds of thrills learn all kinds of things about all kinds of pitches...

And they still get hurt.

Look, I'm NOT for rushing along young pitchers, or overworking guys. The past really was full of young guys who were overworked and blew out their arms, never to be heard from again.

But this—whatever this is—for the Yankees or the majors, isn't working.

We keep hearing about the tremendous velocity that guys attain today...although at our ill-fated outing to the Stadium, we saw Yankees and Reds pitchers alike throwing all sorts of 80-something junk.  (I think one pitch was even at 79 mph, though that might've been the position player we ended up using.)  

Reserved and rested and reconstituted as these guys are...none of them can complete nine innings. Almost none of them can throw six innings—something else that's destroying our game. It's sure as hell destroying the Yankees. Every year it's the same thing: the kids don't come up, and the older guys go down.

We keep being told this is scientific. We keep being told this is better. It's not science, and it's not better.

The other day on SNY, the estimable John Harper was advising the Yankees to do whatever it took to get Tarik Skubal from the Tigers. Harper's reasoning was that, "With the American League the way it is, the Yankees are practically slotted in to make the World Series."

Sadly, even with the American League the way it is, they are not. I don't think they will make the playoffs, much less the Fall Classic.

And I doubt that they could even assemble a package of players that would bring them Skubal. And I doubt that Skubal would get through even the rest of the season with this franchise...without ending up on the DL.

What the Yankees need to do—what MLB needs to do—is figure out what they're doing wrong, so they can fix it.

Crazy idea, I know.

 

The Yankees are collapsing in real time, saved only by the pathetic American League, and why should we pretend to be surprised?

What a sad state of affairs. 

What an inconsequential mess.

What a waste of time.

Why are we devoting time to this spiritless Yankee franchise, this spineless company, this blood-sucking family-owned business? 

What is the point?

After four months of play, the American League is a shambles, and only two teams - the Angels and Royals - are effectively done for the year.

If the season ended today, any AL team over .500 would get to play in October. A week from the All-Star break, the wretched Redsocks - mired in their most disappointing season of this millennium - are just five games down in the wild card race. Five. 

As the Yankees flounder, are you starting to feel - well - abused?

The Yankees sport baseball's third highest payroll ($339 million) after the Dodgers ($420 million) and Mets ($374 million). They spend three times as much as the Tampa Rays ($111 million). If they were a governmental agency, they would be indicted for fraud.  

So, why are we assigning so much energy, so much angst, to a team that can't even field an MLB worthy defense? 

It's simple: They cannot fail. The AL is gerrymandered, rigged with tomato cans. It doesn't matter what the Yankees do this week, or next. They are positioning themselves for October. They'll get Judge back in August. They'll get Giancarlo back - oh, fuck a duck, who cares? Soon, we'll hear breathless updates on Clarke Schmidt, and then comes the trade deadline, when they once again sacrifice their farm system for short team gains. 

We're doing it again. 

The Yankees aren't collapsing. They are just doing what they always do.

HAPPY 96TH BIRTHDAY, GEORGE ! (game thread)

And when the sun comes up, I'll be on top
You'll be right down there lookin' up
And I might wave, come up here
But I don't see you wavin' now

Too many teardrops

For one heart to be crying

Too many teardrops

For one heart to be crying

You're gonna cry 96 tears

You're gonna cry 96 tears

You're gonna cry, cry-cry-cry, now

You're gonna cry, cry-cry-cry

Uh, like . . . you know

Cry 96 tears

Thank you, 'Sota. (Springsteen should write you a song) and 10 other ponderings for those who were not invited to Taylor and Travis' wedding.)

 

The Twinkies came to Gotham, and the Death Barge broke its seven-game, slow motion skid. They play two more afternoons against 'Sota, then visit Tampa and Trumptown (DC) next week, before tumbling into the All-Star break. Four against the Rays: We will soon know the truth about this team. 

In the meantime, 10 meanderings...

1. To win in baseball, it's not rocket science. You supplement a strong farm system with a few star free agents. The Dodgers do it quite well. But the 2026 Yankees have neither. 

2. Someday - maybe next year - the Mets will rise. We can smirk about their record - fourth most losses in MLB. But they are building the farm, and they are spending the money. One of these days, we will feel the whoosh of them passing us, as NY's favored baseball team. (If you look at tabloid covers, they are already ahead of us, but that won't last through September.)   

3. It's taken half the season, but Jose Caballero has apparently won the SS position, (I'll believe this when he plays an entire series.) Congrats to all who are still suffering from Volpe Derangement Syndrome.

4. Cooperstown Cashman has four weeks to find what he can get for Anthony Volpe. Right now, not much. A bullpen lug nut, maybe?

5. The Yankees are yet to see the ballyhooed rotation with Gerrrit Cole, Carlos Rodon and Max Fried pitching at the same time. It's possible that they never will. This should blare sirens about mortgaging the farm for Tarik Skubal. When you obtain an ace pitcher, you're paying for every pitch he's ever thrown.

6. Still bumming over the loss of Carlos Lagrange, the star of spring training. He's out with a strained shoulder, and he probably won't return until - gulp - spring training. Damn. The Yankees had one breakout pitcher last spring, and they will probably get nothing from him in 2026. I realize that young pitchers are always fragile, but the Yankees pitching gurus blew this one, horribly. They had one job: Get this kid - and his 102 mph fastball - to the majors. They botched it.

7. After last night's game, Spencer Jones was dispatched to Scranton. That's strike two for his Yankee career. Unless somebody gets hurt - always a possibility - he's done with this organization. Gone at the trade deadline.

8. Jones is just another reminder that Yank fans - thirsty for news about the farm system - should never raise their hopes about Yankee prospects. They are simply a commodity to be traded. 

9. The seven-game losing streak made it a given that Cashman will remake this roster on or about July 31. Last year brought two disasters - (Bird and Doval) - two successes - (Bednar and Cabby) - and a no decision (McMahon.) I don't know how anyone can look at last year's trades and find great optimism for this team.

10. One of these days, the Twins will stop rescuing the Yankees from themselves. 

Happy fucking fourth.