Ten reasons to believe in Giancarlo Stanton, while staring into the Abyss

Brian Cashman can't believe his luck: He'll get one more year out of Giancarlo Stanton. 

We're in the doomsday grasp of Stanton's 13-year contract from Hell, signed with Miami two winters before Trump boarded the escalator, before the Russians annexed Crimea and Philip Seymore Hoffman OD'ed. Time flies, eh? 

Yesterday, asked about Stanton by a gathering of Gammonites, Cashman said:

He’s not going anywhere. He’ll be in spring training with us without a doubt, and hopefully healthy and ready to go. And that’s his intention. He finished the season healthy. And the fact that Aaron Boone was calling his name in big moments, I think, answers the question of what we think he’s capable of when he is healthy.

When you see such words, it's hard not to imagine a barker on the State Fair Midway, selling tickets to Big Alfie, the world's largest hog. Basically, we're screwed. Once again, we'll push that boulder up the hill and, at the summit, let it roll us over - an eternity of tweaks, tears and slow marches back to the dugout.  

Ah, but let's not go there. It's mid-November, and the first snow has yet to glaze Syracuse, perennial winner of the Golden Snowball. 

Here are 10 reasons to drink the tea. Ten reasons for absurd hope. Ten reasons to believe in Gio...  

1. He's only 37 - younger than Steph Curry, Kirk Cousins, Lindsay Lohan and the red-haired kid who played Ron Weasily in the Harry Potter movies. He's younger than the Olson twins, Lady Gaga and Daenerys Targaryen.  

2. This is his walk year, so he'll be playing for a long-term deal.

3. With Stanton as DH, Aaron Judge gets to play more RF.

4. With Stanton as DH and Judge in RF, Ben Rice gets more time at 1B.

5. With Stanton as DH, Judge in RF, and Rice at 1B, Jose Garcia can play 2B - creating the worst right-side defense in baseball. Way to follow the Milwaukee model, eh?

6. Don't sweat the logjam; he'll tweak something and disappear.

7. Stanton is a great "clubhouse presence."

8. The Marlins will pay $10 million of his $25 million contact.

9. He can avenge his two Ks in the AL Division series.

10. There won't be a 2027 season anyway. 

Rejoice, Yankee fans. Feel free to stare into the Abyss. The Mets can sign Skubal. The Dodgers can grab the rest. Boston can do whatever. None of this matters. Long live Giancarlo! One more year.

The 18-year-old Japanese kid who won't solve our problems, coaches say sayonara, and what about Bob...er, Alec?

Busy day in Yankeesland, what with Cam and all the behind the scenes stuff.

Two things: we'll hire coaches who won't be able to do anything about Yankee issues because Cashman and Boone will still be in charge. The other thing is (Ben Grimm? James Arness?), if we sign a third baseman, it will be the wrong third baseman and we'll be right back where we started.

Life stinks, as Pere Ubu said. (He died awhile ago, but RIP David Thomas, a strange and amazing man.)

 

CONGRATULATIONS CAM ! (YOU BROUGHT THE SCHLITT !)

What did he know and when did he know it?

 

Now that the Democrats have scored their biggest electoral sweep since the Watergate year of 1974, I think it's appropriate to raise the above question once again:  What did he know and when did he know it?

By "he," of course, I mean Brian Cashman. Or Aaron Boone. Or Matt Blake, or Max Fried himself.

The "what,"  of course, comes from "WTF? Max Fried needed a bone spur operation a few weeks after the season was over???"

How was he feeling, say, the day he went out there and, you know, ended our season against Tampa Bay?

Particularly when we had Carlos Rodon, hot as that fiery asteroid entering the atmosphere to end the reign of the dinosaurs.

Don't get me wrong. Carlos Rodon is capable of spitting the bit on any given day, no matter how hot he is. And plenty of other things went wrong in that absurd, three-game set (Looking at you, Ryan McMahon. When I'm not swiveling my head to look at Jazz Chisholm. Or Austin Wells. Or Aaron Boone.)

But still. Did Max Fried go out there knowing the ol' soupbone was...just so much soup? Did he tell anyone?

What did (somebody) know and when did (he/they) know it?

Yanks promote Aaron Gershenfeld, international man of mystery. Ten nuggets of tidbittery

To soothe their fan base after they don't sign Tarik Skubal, the Yankees have announced the promotion of Aaron Gershenfeld - the team's current Run Prevention & Catching Coordinator - to a new, unnamed slot within their soul-crushing corporate machine. 

What will Gershenfeld do? What will his job be called? Who is he? Wait... who are you?  What's going on here? 

Stop with the questions! They steal your soul. The Gersh will replace Tanner Swanson - last season's Director of Catching/Major League Field Coordinator - who was recently poached by Seattle. We've replaced the Director of Catching with a Run Prevention Coordinator, which is overseen by the Rector of Titles, which answers to the Provost of Pitter-Patter.  

But who is "the Gersh," and what will he be scrawling into that clipboard of fate?

At considerable expense - and physical danger - IT IS HIGH has compiled 10 tidbits of intrigue on this man of mystery.

1. Why is there a shadow over his basic information?

2. Why is this on his Baseball Reference record?

3. Does he have a thing for looking like Colin Jost? 

4. At age 34, he could be younger than many MLB catchers. (Note: Austin Wells is 27, Ali Sanchez 29.) Will that help or hurt?

5. In 2013 and 2014, playing for University of Louisville - (across the river from New Albany) - Gershenfeld helped his team reach the NCAA World Series.

6. He graduated from Louisville with honors in sports administration and was named to the All-Academic team. 

7. In 2016, as hitting coach for East Tennessee State, he was credited with helping four players to be selected in the MLB draft. 

8. In 2017, as an assistant at Vanderbilt, he helped the team reach the NCAA Super Regionals. 

9. He moved to The Citadel and became a third base coach, specializing with catchers. He was said to be instrumental in recruiting top high schoolers.

10. But questions persist. Is that him, circled, behind headliner Hal Steinbrenner, in the 2013 New Year's Day performance of Kinky Boots? If so, what is he doing?

The Yankiverse demands answers. And a better season from Austin Wells.

Well, it is Veterans Day...

Cashman also made noises about trying Garcia at second (idiot) due to the logjam a healthy Stanton would cause.

Yeah, well, if history serves, that won't be a problem.

Brian Cashman's itinerary for Day One of the General Managers meetings

Looks to be a long, fruitful day for the Yankee GM. Here's the schedule... 

7:30 a.m. Lear jet lands outside Vegas.  

8:10 a.m. Arrive at Ritz-Carlton. Unpack. Check messages. Last-minute preparations. 

8:13 a.m. Call NAME REDACTED .

10:00 a.m. GM meeting gaveled to order. 

10:02 a.m. Recess declared. 

10:15 a.m. Open bar in the Nautical Room.

2:00 p.m. Check for calls from Hal, wife, NAME REDACTED. 

2:10 p.m. Convene to the Captain's Lounge.

4:00 p.m. After multiple missed calls, finally connect with NAME REDACTED.

4:15 p.m. Uber ride to outskirts of city.

5:00 p.m. Unspecified medications from NAME REDACTED.

5:30 p.m. Concern over efficacy of medications.

6:00 p.m. Naked karaoke in barnyard.

7:00 p.m. Hobo boxing. 

7:30 p.m. Fire dance welcoming Satan.

8:00 p.m. Cock fights.

8:15 p.m. Keynote address by Beastmaster.

8:30 p.m. Human sacrifice.  

9:00 p.m. Pose for photos with Mr. Hegseth, Mr. Patel and Mr. Miller.

9:15 p.m. Trade Ben Rice for right-fielder.

9:30 p.m. Trade Cam Schlittler for DH.

10:00 p.m. Re-sign Trent Grisham to 10-year deal.

11:00 p.m. Vow eternal allegiance to Beastmaster. 

11:05 p.m. Set fire to party farmhouse. 

11:20 p.m. March through desert, shooting iguanas, pets, bystanders.

Dawn: Back to hotel for day two.

Save The Steinbrenners

The lockout is just weeks away. There may not be any baseball next year. 

It has to be done.

The goal of the lockout is to finally create cost controls by placing a cap on spending ensuring a path to profitability that goes beyond having the franchise value increase exponentially. Short term pain for long term gain.

No one knows how long it will take to force the player's union into capitulation. An athlete's career and earning window is limited so it would appear that the owners have the upper hand but…

There will be a period of time when no money is coming in and, for a family business like the Yankees, this will create hardship.

I’m worried about Hal and the rest of the Steinbrenners

The children will feel it the most. 

Especially around Christmas.

The lockout is slated for Dec 1^st.  

Consequently, there won’t be any Christmas presents this year. Not good ones anyway. Just a few of the remaining Edwin Encarnacion Home Run Walk Parrots.

Perhaps, a quilt or two to keep them warm this winter, stitched from the no longer salable jerseys of Josh Donaldson, DJ LeMahieu, and Ryan McMahon.

A peasant’s Christmas dinner consisting of rat meat and pigeon wings that, in happier times, would have found their way into the hot dogs.

The Stadium will produce no revenue save for the meager returns of the 2026  “Bad Boy Mowers Pinstripe Bowl” on December 28^th. 

Too late to save the holiday.

“Bad Boy Mowers”  BTW. That’s actually the sponsor this year.

--

Knowing this was coming Hal has taken steps to cushion the financial shock of this tragic, self-inflicted wound .

In recent months he has:

1. Moved YES streaming from Gotham over to DAZN. Reducing costs.

Well, his costs anyway.

Yankee and Net fans now have to pay more.

Even better for Hal, fans will keep DAZN year round.

Previously a lot of Yankee fans dump YES in the off season because the Venn Diagram showing the overlap of fans who follow both the Yankees and the Nets is laughably small.  Now they can watch the Knicks and Hal gets a slice of that pie.

2. Saved money on the coaching staff by failing to offer raises or expensive promotions to  key bench personnel in order to retain them and prevent them from being poached by rivals.

Hey, why should he pay for coaches if there’s no season?

Oh yeah and...

3. Sold a piece of the team for 2.6 Billion Dollars. Cash.

--

Apparently these money moves are insufficient.  

Hal still needs the lockout. Otherwise the greedy players union will take incrementally more!!

Think of the children!

Here are some new potential revenue streams to help the Steinbrenners get through the next few months...

License the training rooms to 24 Hour Fitness (Premium  Pinstripe Pass! )

Who wouldn’t want to lift weights on the very machines used by Yankee Superstars like Giancarlo Stanton? 

State of the art vending machines can sell bags of Yankee themed “Commemorative Potato Chip Bags” to help you track your progress.

Merch!

Then relax and take a schvitz in the steam room.

You know Hal sacked the cleaning staff the second the Yankees failed to get past the ALDS again so you might be able to see a pool of sweat left by Helios Ramos.

 

Take some home in a commemorative bottle.

Turn the Luxury Suites into Hotel Rooms. 

They have couches. Or, even better, I’m pretty sure they have a warehouse full of Castro Convertibles left over from their “Starling Castro Convertible Collection”, a lesser part of their ill-conceived furniture marketing efforts that included the Juan Sofa, and the borderline insane… Otto Velez “Otto-Man”.   

Plant Cannabis  

Yankee Outfield Grass®!

That’s some primo farming space right there. The stadium is a perfect place to grow pot. It is enclosed, gated, and already has grow lights.

The ticket windows are reminiscent of the ones used at the Cop and Stops of pre-legalization fame. Just put your money in the little bowl and slide it under the bulletproof one way glass.  

The team could charge as much as $100 for a nickel bag of “Bronx Bonger”  or  "Judgement Day"  Sorry… Commemorative Nickel Bag of "Bronx Bonger”  or  "Judgement Day” .

Should the season restart before harvest I know one left fielder that wouldn’t mind

If Hal takes these suggestions I'm sure they will get through this difficult period. 

As far as the rest of us go...  two words.  Yankee Classics. (Actually, it's two other words. I'll leave it up to you to fill in the blank.)

Cody Bellinger is the AL Platinum Glove. Is he playing out of position?

Congrats to Cody Bellinger, who last week won the 15th annual AL Platinum Glove, an award that somehow weighs catchers with shortstops, right fielders with second basemen, spark plugs with lug nuts, peanut butter with jelly...

It's another fukkin logarithm, obviously. Speaking for all who cannot explain what a logarithm is, let me assure you that Belly deserves his trophy, at least as much as Rex Harrison deserved his 1965 Oscar for My Fair Lady, brambling through his Broadway role, while Peter Sellers was being criminally overlooked for Dr. Strangelove. It needs to be said, people: Awards are bullshit, and that's not even mentioning the 2026 FIFA Peace Prize.

(Note: I have since learned that the award comes from fan voting, which only makes it less impressive. It's the People's Choice Award for defense.) 

Listen: There is an eloquent argument to be made that the Yankees should leave Belly in left field for at least the next two years, if only so he can win more awards. He is our goalie, our sentry, our Lawrence Taylor (or, let's say it, our Arvell Reese?), and let's not disturb a genius at work, especially in our most iconic position. 

That said... (clears throat)... 10 thoughts.

1. It's time to accept the Milwaukee Model - you win with speed, plate discipline, pitching and defense, defense, defense. Moving Bellinger to CF would follow that plan. 

2. Belly in CF would instantly improve our defense, involving our best glove into more plays.  

3. The Yankees have no other great-glove CF on their roster.

4. Trent Grisholm is gone; last year, he ran out of gas anyway.

5. Spencer Jones might someday be a solid CF, but for now, he takes bad routes and watches catchable balls drop. They assured us he was ready, but he doesn't look comfortable.

6. I cannot escape the cataclysmic terror of Jones colliding with Aaron Judge in right-center. Dear God. Such a seismic event would end Yankee civilization, as it did the dinosaurs. Belly is far less likely to run headlong into Doomsday. 

7. For all his speed, The Martian, Jasson Dominguez, will never be a CF. It's not certain if he can play OF.

8. To sign or trade for a defensive CF would add to an OF logjam.

9. Moving Judge to CF would abuse him. 

10. WTF? We have nobody else.

My guess is that the Yankees will go with Jones, who remains the most tantalizing prospect in the system. 

So much for the Milwaukee Model, eh? It's not the Yankee way.

Yankees stun world with jaw-dropping, eye-popping Scranton/Wilkes Barre announcement

Okay, siddown for this. Deep breath. Clutch the grab-bar. Blink, if you see this. Okay...  

Now, I'm gonna type something that will look like a transcribed Sonoran toad-lick hallucination, as if the gods of chaos are using my keyboard to spread the tomato seeds of insanity across this planet.

Let's do it - in 10 small bites.  

1. The Scranton/Wilkes Barre Railriders - home to the Martian, Ryan McBroom, Zolio Almonte and 13 seasons of former future Yankee stars - are no more!

2. They are now the "Scranton/Wilkes Barre Highlanders," a throwback to the original Yankee teams of ol' New Yawk, married to the fact that there are - indeed - "high lands" in the geographical outskirst of Scranton, Wilkes Barre and Moosic, Pa.

3. Full disclosure: I have lived almost all my life an 80-minute drive from Scranton/ Wilkes Barre and - until today - have never heard the countryside described as "Highlands" or their inhabitants called "Highlanders." That just might be me. Maybe I missed it. Known to happen. 

4. Also, I should note that, before they became the "Railriders," I'd never before heard that word, either. So - grain of salt, eh?

5. Also, let's be clear: There are high lands in and around Scranton and Wilkes Barre. Generally, I've heard them as "hills." But the name "Scranton/Wilkes Barre Hill People" would not have worked. 

6. The "Scranton/Wilkes Barre Hilltoppers?" Or "Hill Folk?"

7. From 1989 to 2006, they were the "Scranton Red Barons," harkening back to the heyday of Snoopy, which inspired the most underrated Christmas song of all time. In it, Charles Schultz' intrepid cartoon beagle - as a WWI pilot - is forced down behind enemy lines, seemingly doomed, only to learn that yuletide joy overcomes everything. Suddenly, without warning, the Baron cries out, "Merry Christmas, my friend!" leading to a holiday toast. Christ, I'm crying, just typing it. 

9. In 2007, they became the Scranton/Wilkes Barre Yankees, after luring the mother ship's Triple A affiliation from Columbus. This happened after the Phillies fled to Allentown, where Billy Joel lamented that they're "tearing all the factories down." Hey, there should be a playlist. That moved created the aptly named Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs.

10. In 2012, they became the Empire State Yankees, because the stadium in Moosic had become a mud pit and needed millions of dollars in taxpayer-funded renovations. For the entire year, the team bussed around upstate New York, playing home games in Rochester and Syracuse. I believe this was a low point in team history. For our playlist, I would submit Skeeter Davis singing "The End of the World."

In 2013 they became the "Scranton/Wilkes Barre Railriders." Honestly, I've never figured out why. Now, it's the Highlanders. Clearly, there's a three-syllable cadence thing going on. Let's hope it inspires a new generation of merch. 

So, let's go, Homelanders. Wait. I mean Highlanders! Highlanders. HIGHLANDERS! From the high lands of Central Pennsylvania. Which, hopefully, Anthony Volpe will never have to visit again...

For Hal Steinbrenner, the time to do something is at hand

In just four weeks, Hal "Food Stamps" Steinbrenner - the most swaddled nepo baby since Jesus - will lug an iron chain to the front gate of George M. Steinbrenner Field in Tampa. He'll be joined by family consigliere Brian Cashman, holding one of those oversized padlocks that belongs in a Road Runner cartoon. 

Then, together, they will kill Major League Baseball.

If any Gammonites are watching, they will be a solemn bunch, like witnesses to an execution. The padlock will click, and whatever Hal has to say - lamenting that this happened - it will be too late. His craven words will be a fart. 

If Hal has anything to say, now is the time to stand and deliver. 

Once the locks snap, MLB will birth another endless war, the kind everybody originally thought would last a week. 

These days, every war is an endless war. 

And in any lockout, Hal will be one of the biggest losers.

If the owners "win," they will impose the salary cap they've coveted for decades, and the Yankees will lose their fiscal advantage. They will become a coastal version of the KC Royals, forced into austerity payrolls that effectively kill the franchise for years.

If the players' union wins, Hal will have to do what he hates - spend his inheritance. No billionaire wants to be told how to spend his money. How do think they became billionaires? The last thing Hal wants is wide-open bidding on players. If the union wins, that's what he'll get. 

And once the padlock clicks, it will be too late to speak out. 

So... a suggestion... 

Whatever Hal has to say - if anything - he better say it soon. He should rage against the gods, the owners, the players, you, me, our moms, I don't care, everybody - whatever!

The storied New York Yankees - his dad's pride and joy - will soon be on the chopping block. Is it really going to happen? It's up to you, New York, New York.

The world is in chaos, yet the Yankee fates still hinge on one entity

Hey, Juju gods!

Yeah, you! 

Cut the shit. You're weirding us out. Look at the world. Everything's gone nuts. You want 10 signs? Okay, here goes... 

1. Mississippi. Iowa. South Carolina... fukking Texas? Are you serious? TEXAS?

2. You know who has the No. 1 selling album in America? My Chemical Romance. (I'm not making this up.) "Welcome to the Black Parade?" Really? Again? Welcome to 2006. 

3. Parts of Florida just took a year's worth of rain in two days. It's also rained like hell in Arizona. Arid-fukkin-zona. Meanwhile, yesterday, in Syracuse - rhymes with "sheer-abuse" - temps hovered near 80.

4. The President is working on the war the economy affordability  chandeliers. 

5. The stock market is a yoyo. 

6. They're making John Wick into a cartoon series. (Reminder: I'm not making this up.)

7. Bob Dylan is pals with the Pope.

8. George Stephanopolis just got his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. 

9. Melania wants the Nobel Peace Prize.

10. And, um, this...

But but BUT... wanna know what hasn't changed? Are you yearning for that one restroom grab bar, that lone boulder of reality, unto which we can still perilously cling?  

Anthony Volpe. 

Yep, we're still waiting on him. It's been 100 years. As we sit here, with Jazz Chisholm halfway out the door and Jose Caballero still penciled in for utility IF, Volpe is still in the mix. He's our ballroom light fixture, our gold-plated arch. 

In these ridiculous times, when chaos runs rampant like a biker gang in a mall, Yank fans still have something to clutch and stay afloat. Unfortunately, it has a career batting average of .225. 

But hey, you never know. Volpe came within six inches of hitting the most important HR of this decade. So close, so fukkin close... Who knows? Maybe this will be his year. At least he's stayin' alive. 

Caleb Durbin. Now Shelley Duncan.

 

Basically, the Yankees in November have one job, just one: Sign Teruaki Sato

MLB teams have until Dec. 1 - (that's when the owners pull up the rug) - to decide the fate of Japanese slugger Teruaki Sato. 

The Yanks claim to be interested. 

Well... they fukkin oughta be. Guy plays 3B, a Yankee sinkhole. Last year, Ryan McMahon batted .213, Anthony Volpe moved to 2B, Cabby ran out of gas, and nobody bubbled up from Scranton.  

So, who is Teruaki Sato? Ten observations...

1. He bats left, throws right, plays 3B/1B/OF and turns 28 in March. 

2. He's no Goliath - -just 6'1", 207 - (by comparison, Ben Rice is 6'2", 228) - but won the Triple Crown last year in Japan. 

3. Defensively, he's said to be an average 3B who might eventually move to 1B.

4. His dad was a Japanese national champion in judo.

5. His nickname is "Teru." Rhymes with "Hey, you!" (His Yankee nickname could be "Apollo Investment.")

6. He opened his career in the Japanese major leagues with two back-to-back HRs, then added a game-winning three-run shot.

7. In Japan, he's been an all-star in four of the last five years.

8. Last year, in the World Baseball Classic, he went 3-10 with three doubles. In the regular season, he hit .309 with 39 HRs and 106 RBIs.

9. Supposedly, to maximize his value, Sato's agent wants to market him as a 3B, his favorite position. That would seemingly undermine interest from the Mets and Dodgers.

10. But not the Redsocks, Angels and/or Phillies, who are letting free agent 3B Alec Bohm walk. Their GM, Preston Mattingly - (ah, shoot me) - scouted him last year in Japan. 

In Japan, he wore jersey number 8, replacing Kosuke Fukudome. That's Yogi's number. (How about 88?)