Yankees stun world with jaw-dropping, eye-popping Scranton/Wilkes Barre announcement

Okay, siddown for this. Deep breath. Clutch the grab-bar. Blink, if you see this. Okay...  

Now, I'm gonna type something that will look like a transcribed Sonoran toad-lick hallucination, as if the gods of chaos are using my keyboard to spread the tomato seeds of insanity across this planet.

Let's do it - in 10 small bites.  

1. The Scranton/Wilkes Barre Railriders - home to the Martian, Ryan McBroom, Zolio Almonte and 13 seasons of former future Yankee stars - are no more!

2. They are now the "Scranton/Wilkes Barre Highlanders," a throwback to the original Yankee teams of ol' New Yawk, married to the fact that there are - indeed - "high lands" in the geographical outskirst of Scranton, Wilkes Barre and Moosic, Pa.

3. Full disclosure: I have lived almost all my life an 80-minute drive from Scranton/ Wilkes Barre and - until today - have never heard the countryside described as "Highlands" or their inhabitants called "Highlanders." That just might be me. Maybe I missed it. Known to happen. 

4. Also, I should note that, before they became the "Railriders," I'd never before heard that word, either. So - grain of salt, eh?

5. Also, let's be clear: There are high lands in and around Scranton and Wilkes Barre. Generally, I've heard them as "hills." But the name "Scranton/Wilkes Barre Hill People" would not have worked. 

6. The "Scranton/Wilkes Barre Hilltoppers?" Or "Hill Folk?"

7. From 1989 to 2006, they were the "Scranton Red Barons," harkening back to the heyday of Snoopy, which inspired the most underrated Christmas song of all time. In it, Charles Schultz' intrepid cartoon beagle - as a WWI pilot - is forced down behind enemy lines, seemingly doomed, only to learn that yuletide joy overcomes everything. Suddenly, without warning, the Baron cries out, "Merry Christmas, my friend!" leading to a holiday toast. Christ, I'm crying, just typing it. 

9. In 2007, they became the Scranton/Wilkes Barre Yankees, after luring the mother ship's Triple A affiliation from Columbus. This happened after the Phillies fled to Allentown, where Billy Joel lamented that they're "tearing all the factories down." Hey, there should be a playlist. That moved created the aptly named Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs.

10. In 2012, they became the Empire State Yankees, because the stadium in Moosic had become a mud pit and needed millions of dollars in taxpayer-funded renovations. For the entire year, the team bussed around upstate New York, playing home games in Rochester and Syracuse. I believe this was a low point in team history. For our playlist, I would submit Skeeter Davis singing "The End of the World."

In 2013 they became the "Scranton/Wilkes Barre Railriders." Honestly, I've never figured out why. Now, it's the Highlanders. Clearly, there's a three-syllable cadence thing going on. Let's hope it inspires a new generation of merch. 

So, let's go, Homelanders. Wait. I mean Highlanders! Highlanders. HIGHLANDERS! From the high lands of Central Pennsylvania. Which, hopefully, Anthony Volpe will never have to visit again...

For Hal Steinbrenner, the time to do something is at hand

In just four weeks, Hal "Food Stamps" Steinbrenner - the most swaddled nepo baby since Jesus - will lug an iron chain to the front gate of George M. Steinbrenner Field in Tampa. He'll be joined by family consigliere Brian Cashman, holding one of those oversized padlocks that belongs in a Road Runner cartoon. 

Then, together, they will kill Major League Baseball.

If any Gammonites are watching, they will be a solemn bunch, like witnesses to an execution. The padlock will click, and whatever Hal has to say - lamenting that this happened - it will be too late. His craven words will be a fart. 

If Hal has anything to say, now is the time to stand and deliver. 

Once the locks snap, MLB will birth another endless war, the kind everybody originally thought would last a week. 

These days, every war is an endless war. 

And in any lockout, Hal will be one of the biggest losers.

If the owners "win," they will impose the salary cap they've coveted for decades, and the Yankees will lose their fiscal advantage. They will become a coastal version of the KC Royals, forced into austerity payrolls that effectively kill the franchise for years.

If the players' union wins, Hal will have to do what he hates - spend his inheritance. No billionaire wants to be told how to spend his money. How do think they became billionaires? The last thing Hal wants is wide-open bidding on players. If the union wins, that's what he'll get. 

And once the padlock clicks, it will be too late to speak out. 

So... a suggestion... 

Whatever Hal has to say - if anything - he better say it soon. He should rage against the gods, the owners, the players, you, me, our moms, I don't care, everybody - whatever!

The storied New York Yankees - his dad's pride and joy - will soon be on the chopping block. Is it really going to happen? It's up to you, New York, New York.

The world is in chaos, yet the Yankee fates still hinge on one entity

Hey, Juju gods!

Yeah, you! 

Cut the shit. You're weirding us out. Look at the world. Everything's gone nuts. You want 10 signs? Okay, here goes... 

1. Mississippi. Iowa. South Carolina... fukking Texas? Are you serious? TEXAS?

2. You know who has the No. 1 selling album in America? My Chemical Romance. (I'm not making this up.) "Welcome to the Black Parade?" Really? Again? Welcome to 2006. 

3. Parts of Florida just took a year's worth of rain in two days. It's also rained like hell in Arizona. Arid-fukkin-zona. Meanwhile, yesterday, in Syracuse - rhymes with "sheer-abuse" - temps hovered near 80.

4. The President is working on the war the economy affordability  chandeliers. 

5. The stock market is a yoyo. 

6. They're making John Wick into a cartoon series. (Reminder: I'm not making this up.)

7. Bob Dylan is pals with the Pope.

8. George Stephanopolis just got his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. 

9. Melania wants the Nobel Peace Prize.

10. And, um, this...

But but BUT... wanna know what hasn't changed? Are you yearning for that one restroom grab bar, that lone boulder of reality, unto which we can still perilously cling?  

Anthony Volpe. 

Yep, we're still waiting on him. It's been 100 years. As we sit here, with Jazz Chisholm halfway out the door and Jose Caballero still penciled in for utility IF, Volpe is still in the mix. He's our ballroom light fixture, our gold-plated arch. 

In these ridiculous times, when chaos runs rampant like a biker gang in a mall, Yank fans still have something to clutch and stay afloat. Unfortunately, it has a career batting average of .225. 

But hey, you never know. Volpe came within six inches of hitting the most important HR of this decade. So close, so fukkin close... Who knows? Maybe this will be his year. At least he's stayin' alive. 

Caleb Durbin. Now Shelley Duncan.

 

Basically, the Yankees in November have one job, just one: Sign Teruaki Sato

MLB teams have until Dec. 1 - (that's when the owners pull up the rug) - to decide the fate of Japanese slugger Teruaki Sato. 

The Yanks claim to be interested. 

Well... they fukkin oughta be. Guy plays 3B, a Yankee sinkhole. Last year, Ryan McMahon batted .213, Anthony Volpe moved to 2B, Cabby ran out of gas, and nobody bubbled up from Scranton.  

So, who is Teruaki Sato? Ten observations...

1. He bats left, throws right, plays 3B/1B/OF and turns 28 in March. 

2. He's no Goliath - -just 6'1", 207 - (by comparison, Ben Rice is 6'2", 228) - but won the Triple Crown last year in Japan. 

3. Defensively, he's said to be an average 3B who might eventually move to 1B.

4. His dad was a Japanese national champion in judo.

5. His nickname is "Teru." Rhymes with "Hey, you!" (His Yankee nickname could be "Apollo Investment.")

6. He opened his career in the Japanese major leagues with two back-to-back HRs, then added a game-winning three-run shot.

7. In Japan, he's been an all-star in four of the last five years.

8. Last year, in the World Baseball Classic, he went 3-10 with three doubles. In the regular season, he hit .309 with 39 HRs and 106 RBIs.

9. Supposedly, to maximize his value, Sato's agent wants to market him as a 3B, his favorite position. That would seemingly undermine interest from the Mets and Dodgers.

10. But not the Redsocks, Angels and/or Phillies, who are letting free agent 3B Alec Bohm walk. Their GM, Preston Mattingly - (ah, shoot me) - scouted him last year in Japan. 

In Japan, he wore jersey number 8, replacing Kosuke Fukudome. That's Yogi's number. (How about 88?)

A blue wave, but not necessarily midnight blue...

Long night, staying up to watch the scores. Scattered thoughts...

1. Elon Musk is the Stevie Cohen of politics. 

2. Hal Steinbrenner is the Darlene Graham of owners.

3. Ken Paxton is the Gene Mauch of politicians.

4. If last night were a game, the GOP would have used a position player to pitch the 9th.

5. If Ryan McMahon is not traded, he might be impeached.

6. Holy crap! Rep. Mark Teixiera (R-Tx) is a thing.

Playing Taps for Jazz and Other Thoughts

Jazz Chisholm

Not sorry to see Jazz go. 

This picture says it all. Not just about Jazz but about a clubhouse culture where he thought it would be ok.  

Billy Martin would have slapped it out of his mouth. Jorge Posada would have slapped it out of his mouth. Hell, Suzyn Waldman would have slapped it out of his mouth had she not been up in the booth.

See Ya. 

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"I grew up as a Yankee fan, being from the Bahamas, watching Derek Jeter and those guys every day. It was a great time being a Yankee. I loved my time as a Yankee."

So bursts another childhood fantasy.

I'm not referring to Jazz Chisholm, author of the above sad revelation, whose contractual qualifying offer yesterday was stuffed in a bottle and set out with the Japanese tide.

What died - and keeps succumbing, year upon year - is our collectively naive belief that to simply don the Pinstripes will transform a stat-sheet star into a great and hustling teammate. 

Jazz is gone. As is another Yankee pipe dream. 

Top Ten thoughts...

1. Over two straight winters, we've now cut ties to star second basemen with iconic first names - Gleyber and Jazz.

2. Upon their arrivals, both anticipated long and rewarding Yankee careers. 

3. At the end, both were bluntly shown the door.

4. Gleyber went to Detroit in 2025 and became an all-star (16 HR, 74 RBIs, .256). Clearly, he had something to prove.

5. Wherever Jazz goes, he'll be bent upon showing up the Yankees. They have given him the wake-up wedgie that he needed. 

6. Right now, the Yankee 2B position looks like Anthony Volpe or Jose Caballero. 

7. One top free agent, 2B Brandon Lowe (35 HR, 96 RBI, .260) might be their guy. (He'll be 32.) 

8.  Increasingly, there is talk about 3B Teruaki Sato, the 2026 Triple Crown winner in Japan. 

9. To get Sato, the Yankees must do what they haven't done in recent years: Outbid the Dodgers, Mets and/or Phillies.

10. This looks to be the last balls-to-the-wall free agency period before the Dec. 1 lockout. The Yankees - fortified by all that Apollo Investment cash - need to make a huge splash.

But but BUT... Hal is still Hal. And whomever we sign, get ready to watch Jazz outperform them in another city. When dreams die, they piss people off.

Guess HE didn't "QUALIFY" . . . .

The Caleb Durbin trade just gets worser and worser. Ten takes on Cashman's latest folly

Once again, this we know: 

Ghosts exist, flying saucers are real, money is piss, and Brian Cashman is the Yankee anti-Christ. 

Every winter, every summer - every stinking year - the unstoppable force of Cashman's hubris erodes what - once upon a time, long, long ago - could have been a successful career as Yankee GM. 

He rode high in the '90s, survived the 2004 disaster, won a ring in 2009, and now faces his 18th year of bad deals, every one of them worsened by the YES channel's cheerleading, which instantly proclaims every Cashman move as a work of genius. 

From Alex Verdugo to Michael King, from Scott Effross to Joey Gallo, from Harrison Bader to Jordan Montgomer, from - gulp - Caleb Durbin to Devin Williams... the Mulligans just keep coming. (Heliot Ramos and Henry Lalane have entered the chat.) And Durbin - a gritty, balls-to-the-wall fireplug - might turn out to be one of the worst.

Ten sighs... 

1. Three years ago, Durbin - a 5'6" Yank farmhand - tore up the Arizona Instructional League with the most stolen bases in its history.

2. Enamored with Josh Donaldson at 3B, Cashman dealt Durbin to Milwaukee for closer Devin Williams. 

3. In Milwaukee, Durbin became a finalist for NL Rookie of the Year. 

4. In NYC, Williams and Donaldson crapped their beds.

5. Last winter, the Brewers sent Durbin to Boston in a six-player deal. 

6. Sunday, Durbin won the AL Gold Glove at 3B. 

7. For Boston, Durbin - age 25 - batted .248. That's 35 points higher than Yankee 3B Ryan McMahon. He topped McMahon in every key metric.

8. Durbin's numbers are deceptive, because he endured a terrible start - (.228 in the first half, .274 in the second.) 

9. Durbin cost the Redsocks $796,000. McMahon, in the final season of a six-year contract, will cost the Yankees $16 million. 

10. This winter, Cashman will desperately seek to trade McMahon, while finding a 3B.

And the bonus kicker...  

In mid-September, Cashman waived Oswaldo Cabrera. He was quickly snapped up by the Reds.

Cody wins Gold Glove

Discuss amongst yourselves.

Also a winner: that "too small for the majors", "get rid of the little squirt" Caleb Durbin. In fact, the Red Sox had three Gold Glove winners.

Yeah, well. Whatever.

RIP Jerry Koosman.

As for Randy Levine...some people walk down the street and get called "asshole." This never happened to Pablo Picasso.

"I walk down the street, people tell me I'm stupid. OK, I get it."

The headline above is a Randy Levine quote from an article published today by Forbes.

This leads me to ask:

Q: Should we dare hope that Randy L. admitting it is the first step in fixing it?

A: No, because you can't fix stupid.

There are a few fascinating tidbits in this article:

• Levine has been the Yankees' president since 2000, making him one of the longest-serving members of the franchise's leadership. => Man, aren't we lucky?
  
  
• Levine was linked to a potential appointment as Donald Trump's chief of staff. => But, instead, we still have him.  Again, aren't we lucky?

"Levine's comments came as the Yankees continue to face questions about whether their leadership can get the franchise back to a championship."

It's certainly good to see that the Yankees' senior management is tuned in to these things.  Nothing's gonna stop us in 2027.

Oh.  Wait.

The lockout! War! Coastal flooding! Robot uprising! With everything going to Hell, should the '27 Yanks consider tanking?

Ten reasons why the '27 Yankees and their fans should phone it in. 

1. The owner's been phoning it in for years.

2. The ownership lockout will ruin 2027 anyway.

3. Under Aaron Boone, the Yankees already tank each June.

4. Tampa regularly tanks; it works for them.

5. The Brewers, Rangers, Astros, Nats, Redsocks, Royals and Cubs all have recent world championships; at various points, they tanked. 

6. Tanking would be easy; not even Cashman could mess it up.

7. Keep Rice, Schlittler, Jones and Lombard- trade everybody else - and poof! Soon, it's 2028.

8. One of these days, as impossible as it seems, the Mets will rise from constant tanking.

9. With our new draft picks and international spending money, we can load up with Dax Kilbys and Martians.

10. The 2027 winter is already lost, as NYC follows the Giants' march to the Super Bowl.