Monday, February 10, 2025

Last night's Super Bowl revealed one truth about America: Finishing second is not an option

Last night, it didn't take long to recognize the sad, fate of Kansas City. By the third quarter, everyone knew that... 

a) At long last, Taylor Swift picked the wrong horse.

b) Jake from State Farm wouldn't save Andy Reid and Patrick Mahomes.

c) Tom Brady is a blathering, nattering idiot.

d) For MAGA America, the half-time show was incomprehensible.

e) The Mannings have finally achieved full market saturation.

f) Lady Gaga could become the Ethel Merman of her generation.

g) Philly 
pole-climbers were heading to Broad Street.

The moral of this year's Super Bowl: Don't finish second.

Three months ago, the Yankees learned this ugly truth. Their Game 5 Inning 5 meltdown remains a stain on the franchise, so traumatic, so embarrassing, that it threatens the legacy of the two greatest Yankees of this generation, Aaron Judge and Gerrit Cole. The Yankees finished second. You'd think we would be proud. Instead, they've been a punch line.

Two months ago, it happened again. The Yankees finished runner-up in the bidding war over Juan Soto, a betrayal of their historical identity that will haunt them for a generation. They enter 2025 as NYC's second team. In the short term, maybe Cody Bellinger and Paul Goldschmidt can save face. But over the years, as Soto hits his way into the Hall of Fame, he'll always be the star who got away. And the Yankees will always be the team that couldn't afford him. 

And, of course, the Democrats finished second in the battle for America's soul. They now stand, neutered, comically chanting slogans with Chuck Schumer, which is like watching Englebert Humperdinck cover the songs of Tom Jones. For Blue State boomers, it's been a long hard slog, from Meat Loaf to Jelly Roll, but the lesson's been learned. 

Don't finish second. Not in baseball. Not in football. Not in America.

Within days - hours, actually - pitchers and catchers report. The world will begin anew. And here's the thing: 

The more you look at the 2025 Yankees, the more they look like a team built to finish second. 

Sunday, February 9, 2025

Whichever city wins tonight, neither KC nor Philly will lead America in sports and cultural significance. That title remains in one city

Where is America's sporting, cultural and geopolitical epicenter?

On this Super Sunday, which tonight showcases two plucky contenders - KC and Philly - here is the current, empirical, IT IS HIGH Metropolitan Power Index. Each city's world championship is listed below.

NFL: Kansas City (10 IIHMPI power points)
MLB: Los Angeles (10)
NBA: Boston (8)
NCAA Football: Canton (7)   
NCAA Men's BB: Hartford, CT (7)
NCAA Women's Basketball: Columbia, SC (7)
NHL: Florida (6)  
WNBA: New York (5) 
ML Soccer: Los Angeles (4)
Westminster Kennel Club: Houston (2)
Oscar for Best Movie: Los Alamos, NM (Oppenheimer) (3) 
Grammy for Best Album: Los Angeles (Kendrick Lamar) (3)
Emmy for Best TV Show: Chicago (The Bear) (3)
MAGA: Florida (10)
MAGA Money: Texas (Elon Musk) (11)
Disaster Courtesy Points: Los Angeles (Wildfires); North Carolina (Floods); Florida (General turmoil) (4)
Taylor Swift Courtesy Points: Kansas City (3); Philadelphia (2)
World Cultural Leadership: Syracuse (IT IS HIGH) (10)


So, the U.S. epicenter?

Los Angeles 22
Florida 20
KC 13
Texas 13
Syracuse 10
Everywhere else: Good luck, Podunks. 

Saturday, February 8, 2025

Forget third base. The Yankees need a new algorithm

 
It's Super Saturday, the holiest night on the ancient Buffaloan calendar, when Santa Goodell's sleigh lands in some warm clime, launching the annual transfer of American power - from blocking-and-tackling to pitching-and-catching. 

By Tuesday, the nation - guided by Jake from State Farm - will begin its migration from Patrick Mahomes to Freddie Freeman. Soon, it will be time for caravans, photo ops, cattle calls and - for Yankee fans - hope. 

Yes, hope. This is the real Hope Week. Nobody's hurt. Everybody's fresh. We're happily hungry and gullible. Look at that rack of new jerseys! Can't you feel it? That's HOPE, my friends. Hope. 

It's all downhill from here. 

As you read this, somewhere - in his Bat Cave hideaway -  Brian "Cooperstown" Cashman is running the final numbers on whether to DFA Hugh Jass so he can sign Brock O'Lee, the final moves on an offseason shedding of skin worthy of a Burmese python in a storm sewer near Sarasota. 

Wherever he is - I'm thinking the salt caverns a mile below Seneca Lake - Cashman sits upon a mountain of computer power that would make Elon Musk's attack on USAID look like your gramma's dial-in hookup to CompuServe. This week, it resulted in the exchange of RH pitcher Allan Winans for RH pitcher Owen White, a swap of irrelevancies that could have made Goober Pyle say "Hey." 

What could spawn such moves? 

A super-secret, Forbin Project, end-of-times Yankee algorithm.

Somehow, the Yankees have built a system that quantifies every baseball player on the planet, whether he toils for the Tokyo Yakult Swallows or the Evansville Otters. The rest of us sit in numb, powerless ignorance, unable to fathom these ever-rolling numbers, the Yankee version of Pi. 

However, based on the current Yankee lineup - for this week, anyway - we can hypothesize what goes into this algorithm. I picture a three-part formula:

1. Billions of baseball statistics from the Bill James playbook.

2. Empirical data from 10,000 years of human history.

3. Tom Sellick on why you need a reverse mortgage.

It's Super Sunday Eve, people. Soon, one team shall be by the rigged referees as the undisputed NFL champion, and all others will be the New York Giants. 

By Tuesday, the world will be shifting to Tampa. Hope Week, everybody. It's almost here.

Friday, February 7, 2025

In an infinitesimal netherworld, the Yankees just replaced Allan Winans with Owen White

Ever wonder WTF's happening in the incalculable, micro-depths of the Yankiverse? You know - the ever-changing pinprick of infinity that only exists in theory? That mythical dimension, somewhere between Brigadoon Refsnyder and Zolio Almonte, where time and space no longer mingle, where Yankee quarks remain in constant motion, and where known laws of nature no longer apply. You know, like D.C. 

Yesterday, an asteroid blasted a massive upheaval into this fantastical conundrum of non-existence. 

The Yankees waived Allan Winans and replaced him with Owen "The Omen" White.

Keep in mind that Yankee scientists had not yet confirmed the existence of Allan Winans, beyond signs of an algorithmic pull in the farthest reaches of the rotation. Depending on your source, Winans was either 9th or 10th on the depth chart, beyond the asteroid belt of Will Warren/Clayton Beeter. 

A former substitute teacher at Bakersfield High School, his alma mater, Winans became a Yankee on Jan. 23. A 29-year-old RH pitcher, who started two games for Atlanta last year, with an ERA of 15.25 - (not a typo) - he held the Yankee roster spot for 14 days. Yesterday, it ended. He was jettisoned.

He is replaced - for now, anyway - by White, a 25-year-old former North Carolina high school legend, selected by Texas in the 2nd round of the 2018 draft. After signing, instead of rookie ball, White was sent to a Rangers internment re-education camp. He tore an elbow, underwent Tommy John surgery, and missed the 2019 season.

He then missed 2020, which was canceled by Covid. 

In 2021, he celebrated his first professional game by falling and fracturing his hand. (Are we sensing something ?)  

In 2021, White went to the Arizona Fall League and dominated. He won AFL Pitcher of the Year, (over 28 innings.) In 2022, he soared through the Texas farm system, until - of course - straining his forearm. That year, he was ranked No. 59 on the Baseball America Top 100 Prospects list. He pitched in a Futures Game. In 2023, he made the Rangers 40-man roster. He was on the way!

In spring training, he strained his neck and was shipped out. Since then, he's been twice promoted to the bigs, pitching in three Rangers games last year, with an ERA of - gulp - 24.00. (Not a typo.) 

On December 20, the Rangers waived White, so they could sign 34-year-old Hoby Milner, who - it should be noted - on opening day of 2020, on his first-ever pitch as an Angel, gave up a grand slam.

On Jan. 6, the Rangers traded White to Cincinnati. 

On Jan. 29, the Reds waived him. 

Yesterday, he became a Yankee. 

Scientists who study theoretical physics claim that subatomic particles never stop moving, and seem to be predestined on trajectories that exist beyond time.  

I believe this is proven by the journey of Owen White. 

Welcome, sir. You were always meant to be a Yankee. Maybe through next week?

Thursday, February 6, 2025

It's near the end, Yank fans. For the last time, close your eyes and imagine...

... a batting order that would win the AL East, going away...

Jazz Chisholm 2B
Aaron Judge RF
Cody Bellinger CF
Giancarlo Stanton DH
Alex Bregman 3B
Paul Goldschmidt 1B
Austin Wells C
Anthony Volpe SS
Jasson Dominguez LF

Yes, Alex Bregman. And, no, it won't happen. Quite possibly, by today's end, the Breg Man will sign elsewhere, and the mere notion of such a Yankee lineup will disappear, forever. 

Ah, but we knew it couldn't happen. 

We'll feel no pain. No loss. We expected this all along. The fact is, Yank fans are conditioned. We accept Owner's talking points - that money is scarce, we must keep a tight budget because - well - that's what Owner decided. Owner knows best.

Yesterday, the Mets re-signed Pete Alonso on a two-year deal that flies in the face of fiscal prudence. That's because Steve Cohen desperately wants to win a world series. Make no mistake: Our Owner, Hal, would enjoy another championship - like in 2009! - just not so much that it would threaten the bottom line. 

It's business. That's all. The Yankees are a for-profit corporation, not some cup-rattling charity. So, disregard the above lineup. It cannot happen. Instead, let's celebrate the fact that, by ignoring Bregman, we effectively dissed those cheating Astros. Take that, Houston! We'll go with Oswald Peraza at 3B, and we couldn't be more proud!

But but BUT... if you absolutely need to torture yourself, here's a lineup to imagine. 

Jarren Duran LF 
Rafael Devers 1B
Alex Bregman 3B
Triston Casas DH
Trevor Story SS
Masataka Yoshida RF
Ceddanne Rafaela 2B
Conor Wong C 
Roman Anthony CF 

Yep. Boston. That's what might happen today. Or maybe we'll be lucky. Maybe he'll go to the Dodgers. Either way, here's a prediction: 

Wherever Bregman goes, that team will reach the postseason. And come April 1, we will trot out a lineup with a question mark at 3B, in a batting order that could have been dramatically improved, and we had the money... but Owner said no. 

Wednesday, February 5, 2025

The PECOTA projections are out, and they claim the Yankees have won this crazy winter

Abe PECOTA as "Fish"
Last night, I was talking to an old friend - (key word: "old") - and we agreed: The sixties were nuts, and the millennium blew up everything, but we've never lived through anything as shit-ass crazy as the last few weeks.  God knows where we're going, because I sure don't.  

Now, I don't seek to insult past periods of sheer global insanity. The Iranian hostage situation drove us mad. The weeks after 9-11 were like nothing before. Somehow, we pulled together and - I truly believe this - one eventual salve always turned out to be the period in mid-February, when pitchers and catchers left their golf carts and paramours, and made way to warmer locations to restart the Big Wheel. Baseball has a medicative effect. It reminds us that - whether you love or hate those evil, big-spending Yankees Dodgers- we have more in common than not. Or, we used to, anyway.

I won't claim that we'll soon find reassurance from watching Carlos Rodon do a squat-thrust, or from timing Giancarlo as he runs to first. But it will be entertaining to hear Gerrit Cole explain - once again, in hyperbolic detail - why he failed to cover first base.

Soon, we shall be soothed by the annual Gammonitic rites of spring: The oohs and ahs over that rock-ribbed vet who has arrived "in the greatest shape of his career!" and the rawboned, no-name hurler who is "the talk of camp!"

Days away, people. Pitchers and catchers. And maybe - maybe? - a hiding place?  

Well, fuck me. I dunno. But I do know this: As we were sleeping - while the algorithm gods wrestled over TikTok - the 2025 PECOTA predictions burst from Zeus's backside, fully formed. And get this: The Yankees won the winter! 

Print the playoff tickets. Reserve your space in the Canyon of Heroes. The PECOTA -the Player Empirical Comparison and Optimization Test Algorithm - shows the 2025 Yankees winning 89.7 games - the fourth-most, behind the Cubs, Braves and the Evil Empire - and winning the AL East by a half-inning over Baltimore. 

So, there is it. Pete Alonso and Alex Bregman have yet to land, and your Cousin Verne might turn out to be our backup catcher, but the Yankees won the digital off-season. Hey, forget Watergate. Disregard the Covid shutdown. Was anything ever crazier than this? 

Tuesday, February 4, 2025

An Above Average Haiku Tuesday ~ Gee Whizz . . . Pee In or . . . . Peon? ~ Edition

(AA's contract prediction)

Fifteen reasons to celebrate the Yankees' signing of Carlos Carrasco. (Note: None involve high expectations.)

Yesterday, the Economical Empire signed 37-year-old Carlos Carrasco to a one-year, $1.5 million deal. 

If it turns out to matter in 2025, it probably means things went seriously sideways within the Yankee rotation. 

Either way, it would cap an amazing career journey. 

Fifteen reasons to appreciate Carlos Carrasco.

1. He grew up in Venezuela as a natural RH. To improve his chances, he learned to throw lefty. 

2. Deep in the Philly system, at one point, he ate Domino's Pizza for 60 straight days because, "It was the only thing I knew how to order." (Later, Domino's gave him a month of free pizza for being their greatest customer.)

3. In 2011 he was suspended for six games for throwing at the next batter, after Melky Cabrera excessively admired a grand slam. 

4. In 2013 he was suspended for eight games for throwing at the next batter, after Robinson Cano excessively admired a 2-run HR. (Extra credit: The batter was Kevin Youkilis.) 

5. In 2015, he was carted off the field after being hit in the head by a drive off the bat of Cabrera. 

6. In 2015, he took a no-hitter into the 9th before giving up a two-out, two-strike single to Joey Butler.

7. In 2016, a line drive fractured his hand. 

8. In 2016, he used his good hand to sign papers to become a U.S. citizen.

9. In 2017, he pitched an immaculate inning, retiring the Tigers on nine straight strikes. He was the 84th pitcher in MLB history to do so.

10. In 2017, he went 18-6 with an ERA of 3.29, finishing 4th in the Cy Young vote.

11. In 2019, he was diagnosed with leukemia. He missed the season, returning for one inning in September. He was later named Comeback Player of the Year.

12. In 2021, he was traded with Francisco Lindor to the Mets. He tore a hamstring in spring training and pitched the season with a bone fragment floating in his elbow.

13. In 2023, the Mets waived him, and he returned to Cleveland. 

14. Carrasco has headed up disaster-relief efforts in Venezuela, Colombia and other stricken countries.

15. In 2019, he won the Roberto Clemente Award, as the MLB player "who best exemplifies the game of baseball, sportsmanship, community involvement and the individual's contribution to his team."

No expectations. But the Clemente Award? That's not nothing. Who knows? Maybe, in a pinch, he pitches lefty? 

Monday, February 3, 2025

As they seek a backup catcher, the Yankees must wonder: Which Austin Wells will show up in 2025?

By far, the most pleasant surprise of 2024 was pot gummies, Bianca Censori, heated car seats, the Willie Nelson Chia Pet, bacon-wrapped cheese sticks, the A.I.-powered toilet seat catcher Austin Wells. 

In the months of July and August, he came out of nowhere - or at least Wilks Barre - to hit .300 with 9 HRS and protect Aaron Judge in the batting order. Not since the immortal Kraken, Gary Sanchez, waaaaaay back in 2016, had a young Yankee catcher conjured so much hope. Entering September, Wells was odds-on favorite to win AL Rookie of the Year.

Then came that fateful month, with the falling leaves drifting by our window panes. In the last six weeks, Wells hit .111 with 1 HR and 20 whiffs, surely his most awkward period since puberty. It was painful. Also, his slump carried into the postseason, when he batted .120, though one HR did come against the ultra-rich Dodgers, briefly bringing hope in that otherwise dreadful week.

We must also note that Wells made himself into a MLB-quality defensive catcher, which had been our fears, early on, when he was tabbed as a 1B who could occasionally catch. Not anymore. He is our front line catcher, no turning back, and nobody behind him in at depth chart that used to be - (thinking Higgy and Jose Trevino) - rather formidable.

Right now, the Yankee roster shows Wells and somebody named J.C. Escarra, a 29-year-old mope who hit .201 last year in the minors. There's also Alex Jackson, also 29, who hit .122 last year for Tampa. And Ben Rice, last year's momentary wunderkind, who might be a 1B who can occasionally catch. (And who needs a few months at Wilkes Barre.) 

So, which Austin Wells will show up this season? 

The one who mashed in midsummer, or the one who ran out of gas on Aug. 1? 

If Wells hits, the Yankee lineup looks formidable. If he doesn't, things could go sideways by June 1. We might need that A.I.-powered toilet - for the paperwork, of course.