Monday, August 31, 2009

Great win, Andy!

After the letdown, John summons a 6.16 WinWarble

It had to be painful, sitting in the booth and practicing the perfect game warble, then watching the night deteriorate into just another boring Yankee victory en route to another championship season.

Oh, tis the tides of fate, which often yield in dead sea creatures, and which tonight loosed upon John's beachfront to the Yankiverse a suddenly decayed prawn of disappointment.

It's not easy being John Sterling, when your heart is set on a perfect game, and you must settle for a mere 5-1 drubbing.

This is why he is a pro: a 6.16 WinWarble... with tears in the eyes and heartfelt phlegm in the boombox.

Andy not perfect


He is soooooooo close to being Hall of Fame.

He needs a 20-win season.

He needs another ring.

He needs a no-hitter.

He needs a little luck.

We need him to offset Jim Rice in Cooperstown.


Andy perfect through six, and if he keeps this up, I will just have to do this every other inning, right?

Not that it matters.

Whatever will happen, will happen.

There is absolutely no connection whatsoever with the events in the broadcast booth, or online, or in your living room to the events that take place in a baseball stadium hundreds of miles away.

None whatsoever. We are beyond magical thinking. We are rational human beings. We are modern man and modern woman. Scientists. Knowledge sponges. Futurists. We do not believe in ghosts. I personally don't even believe that for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. Do the math.

There is only one reality. Andy is perfect through six.


BREAKING: Former future Yankee ace Ian Kennedy will throw batting practice Wednesday for the first time since the spring, when his body's circulatory system suddenly threatened to explode.

He'll pitch this fall and, if still alive, return to the Yanks next spring.

Keep fingers crossed.

Andy perfect through four, and as John says, if there was such a thing as a hex, he could make a million dollars

There is no hex.

There is no otherworldly force that somehow connects the dots in your measily existence and gives you the power to affect a Yankee game.

There is no God.

There is no Rizzutonian physics, no wormhole through space and time that would cause a certain pitcher's arm to bend a certain way, propelling a curve ball to move into a certain batter's wheelhouse.

There is only reality.

And the reality is this: Andy is perfect through four.

Jim Rice, motivational speaker who lit Jeter's fuse just in time for Redsocks, named August YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

Jim Rice, legendary Redsock inspirational speaker and ambassador of love (pictured above), has been named YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH for August.

The Hall of Fame Boston slugger outpaced a cluster of Yankee and former Yankee employees to capture the August title, which brings with it the prefered parking space at the IT IS HIGH headquarters, located near the healing waters of Onondaga Lake.

Congratulations, Jim. And keep the Boy Power speeches coming!

Syracuse makes the news!!!

Bee strikes anchorman. "Motherf---r!"

Fire threatens tonight's Dodgers, Angels games on TV

America is dispatching a Super Strike Force to save TV from the monster fire that threatens to consume tonight's lineup of news and entertainment across Southern California.

Viewers across California could miss not only tonight's games, but the events taking place in the lives of beloved television characters, folks like you and me, except better looking.

Pray for rain, world.

(P.S. Sorry to anyone who loses a home. Since when do
they organize Super Strike Forces to save communications towers?)

Knee-drainer gaining on HOF rubber-chicken speaker, as August Yankee Employee of the Month vote heads to finish line

Voting ends in four hours.

Nice to sweep the Whitesox announcers

I'm glad we knocked the Whitesocks out of the race, just to know it bothers their TV announcers.

If you ever watch the WhiteSox on WGN-TV, replace the audio with Pink Floyd's "Dark of the Moon." You'll learn more about what's happening. I recently listened to Steve Stone and Ken "I invented the Batting Glove" Harrelson. Incredible. Compared to them, Michael Kay is Walter Cronkite.

Mostly, it's Harrelson, "the Hawk," the former Whitesock GM who -- when he wasn't golfing -- fired Tony LaRussa and traded Bobby Bonilla for Jose DeLeon. Yeesh. It's as if they miked a bench jockey in the dugout.

If Thome hits a long fly, he yells, "GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!" Off Arod's bat, it's "GET FOUL GET FOUL GET FOUL!" Chicago is the "good guys." Close play? "SAFE!" as if to overrule the ump.

We laugh at Sterling's over-the-top calls, but he can't carry Harrelson's throat spray.

Back in 1978, Harrelson was a mouth-for-pay working for the Redsocks. Here's how he called Bucky Dent's home run, put into poetry form. (Don't ask why I did this, but I did; it's authentic; you'll have to trust me, though I don't know why anyone would.)


Ball hit hard to left field.
Yastremski goes back.
He looks up.
It's gonna be...
A home run for Bucky Dent.
Yankees lead it three to two.
A dramatic two-out home run
In the top of the sixth
Seventh inning.
Oct. 2, 1978

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Another pitching prospect down the TJ chutes

Word is the Dellin Betances, our big overpaid slot draft choice three years ago -- whom we figured was the second coming of Randy Johnson -- may be the second coming of Andrew Brackman.

It's the latest in a trainwreck of pitching prospects who wow the scouts until their arms fall off. It's hard to calculate whether it happens to us more than everybody else, but it stinks when you follow the farms, get a rooting interest, then walk them fall apart.

In recent years, there was, uhhm, let's see...

Andrew Brackman (Alias Walkman): The giraffe we drafted and then sent to surgery. He's walking batters in Charleston, an age-inappropriate setting.

Mark Melancon: We did him same as Brackman, but he's a year further along and is ready.

Christian Garcia: Former great prospect. They should surgically install a zipper on his elbow.

Humberto Sanchez: Main cog in the Sheffield trade. That was a long time ago. Thought he'd be back by now.

George Kontos: All set to make make a run for the big club this year. Now thinking 2011.

Alan Horne: Was MLB ready two years ago. Now feeling his way in low minors.

Chien-Ming Wang: You know the deal.

The problem is, I'm missing others. Bad day for our Baseball America rating.

Buchholtz growing fangs, learning to grasp objects with nasal hair

He shouldn't do interviews with sportswriters like Charlie Darwin of the Globe.

Kennedy family thanks Redsock Nation for heartfelt tribute

Wrapping up the week....

Poohbahs and Presidents made their speeches, but nothing expressed emotions gone wild more vividly than this Dirt Dog cartoon, equating Kennedy's life struggle with Big Papi's unforgettable walkoff hit over, uhm, Toronto? (and, equally important, that big loss by Texas!)

Seems to us, he lived his life like a candle in the wind.

One day left, Jim Rice (honorary designee) leads Yankee August Employee of Month; Knee-drainer in second

Shelley Duncan in mourning over loss of Kennedy

I'm not kidding.

Seriously. I'M NOT KIDDING!

Today is Sarah Palin Day at the ballpark

The first 5,000 fans under the mental age of 14 will receive a Sarah "Don't Tread on Me" tote-bag featuring...
Sarabaracuda Bobble Head!
Pfizer/Fox News annotated Holy Bible (with introduction by Sean Hannity!)
Valuable coupons to save money on the purchase of AK-47 weaponry.
Map revealing the location of every Planned Parenthood clinic nationwide.
Glenn Beck Tea Bag with a dose of Pellosi Poison!
Tina Fey Voodoo Doll!
Autographed Sarah "Miss Alaska" poster fearturing official "Drill, baby, drill" insignia!

Thank you, Yankees, for winning yesterday, because I really needed a lift

Yesterday, my wife and I took our two sons to college and left them there.

Twenty years. High. Far. Gone. Just like that. As John would say...

Twenty years... the career of a pitcher, the life of a cat, the length of a journey.

Blink of an eye.

Twenty years ago, I laughed about Phil Rizzuto, cried about Don Slaught, considered our "Andy" to be Hawkins (in a rotation with Clay Parker, Dave LaPoint, Greg Cadaret and Walt Terrell.) And I wrote pieces for National Lampoon holding my oldest son in a sling between my chest and keyboard.

Twenty years. I know what John would say.

So... I just want to thank the Yankees for winning yesterday. I'd forgotten about them. Too many issues, too many memories, too many thoughts swimming in my soup. Around 4, I finally turned on the radio to hear a Fordam University student station report that the game was safe and secure. (And you can keep your family safe and secure...)

Twenty years...

Way I see it, you're lucky just to get one decent 20-year run. (You could be a Royals fan.)

Thank you, Sergio Mitre.

Thank you Jerry Hairston.

Thank you, Hideki. Thank you, Jeet.

Thank you immortal Yankee God, whether you are known as Babe, Thurman, Bobby or Yahweh.

I really needed that win.

Christ, I'm getting old.

Well, at least I know what John would say...

Saturday, August 29, 2009

A Reminder: Vote For Yankee Employee Of The Month!

That is, if you actually believe that fired employees can be employees of the month. I don't effing care. Whatever small, sad fragment of meaning this poll had was pissed away months ago.

Breaking: Cheney announces support of Duque

The former vp issued this statement:
"El Duque exemplifies the best qualities of democracy and freedom."

"I offer my full and highly unqualified support in his brave fight for freedom and liberty,
from one dick to another," he concluded.

John has a puddle

He watches it closely. It's his friend.

Susyn likes it too. Do you?

Topping, Pasqua, lead all-time Yankee "Dan" list

In honor of the Tropical Storm which threatens to wipe out the entire weekend...

Top all-time Yankee "Dans" and "Dannys"

1. Topping
2. Pasqua
3. Cater
4. Tartabull
5. Walton
6. Giese
7. Micelli
8. McDevitt
9. McCutcheon
10. Naulty

"Better than Sergio Mitre!" Brad Penny revels in latest accolades

We're proud to be the last site on the Internet to report the Yankees rumored interest in former future Redsock hero Brad Penny.

It's hard to imagine the knee-buckling pride this former future Redsock legend must feel, hearing bloggers across the Yankiverse pronounce him "better than Mitre."

Who knows, maybe Penny can come to the Yankees and meet the human limbo pole of excellence, soothing the pain that Sergio surely feel when he hears that Brad is "better than Mitre."

And we haven't had a Boggs-Clemens lately: A former Redsock win a ring in Pinstripes.

Either way, this is the new bar we at IIH are setting. We might not get it right. We might not be funny. We might post the equivalent of a 1-inning, 8-run outing... but we demand that our work be "better than Mitre!"

Remember, we are IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR, IT IS caught, driven by Jeep, and better than Mitre!

And congratulations, Brad!

Sterling Silver: Walkoff Win o'er Chisox is "safe and secure!"

Sometimes A Guy Gets Lucky

No that that way.  

I mean, it happens, but not to me anymore.

So, I'll take what's offered....meaning;  with Cano up in the bottom of the 10th, two men on base, I offered 4-1 odds he ends the inning.  

No takers by that time.  I was on a roll.

Lucky for me.

Robbie Cano, a-doncha know

Clip and save.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Six Point Seven Six Seconds of Blissssssssss

Filed to take attention away from Alphonso... who, by the way, put on a textbook example of negative juju. Good job, Alph.

Live Blog Continues....Future "batting crown" winner has chance to redeem himself

Cano battles before striking out to end 8th inning, as 2-2 tie drags on.

I won $20 on the strike out.

Now formulaic and predictable Girardi brings in MO.  

It seems like every time he does that, we lose.

I'm still betting.

Cano needs a rest.

Cano Fails Again With Bases Loaded

In a rain drenched game, where runs will be at a premium, the Yankee's famed, "potential batting title winner" once again hit a bleeder back to the pitcher with two outs and the bases loaded.

He just can't hit with men in scoring position.  Now the game is at risk, as we only have a 2 run lead.

The good news is I am now making money on this guy.

When Swisher walked to load the bases, I figured Cano would be next up, even though I just turned on the TV and didn't know the line-up.

 I turned to the guy next to me in the bar and said, I'll give you 6-1 odds, on a fifty dollar bet, that Cano makes the third out and no run scores.   He made me give him 10-1 odds, but he did take the bet.

I'm now eating a plate of blue points on the house and drinking free.

Brett Gardiner would do better batting with a broken wrist, than Cano can do with men in scoring position.

It is predictable and pathetic.

Don't let him ever hit in this circumstance once we make the playoffs. 

I take that back.   Let him hit.  I'll just win more money.

SuperFrankenstein, in rib-tickling attempt to smear IIH poll, ruled "delight to all"

In what has become a beloved IT IS HIGH tradition, SuperFrankenstein and blood-related sidekick I'm Bill White today launched an all-out attack on the Yankee Employee of the Month poll.

Their complaints, too hilarious to mention here, are designed to spur voter interest to new, delirioius heights.

Unfortunately, the serious side of the IIH poll -- the scientifically proven curse -- remains a consideration for each voter. We hope that, while voters are slapping their knees over the latest tomfoolery, their vote remains pure.

Should we be surprised by this?

We figure B-Dict was too busy blessing the Billy Wagner deal to hit the studio and lay down some tracks.
Remember: We went 22-6 while his wrist was in the cast, and he couldn't pray 100 percent.

Rewriting History 101

From the Pink Fedora:

When goldfish sleep, they dream this question...

Every one a whirlwind of passion.

Must be something in the chowdah.

What Would Lech Walesa Say To El Duque?

Sadly, Another Crooked Poll

The Yankees fired massage therapist Scott Yelin last November [scroll down]––yet his name appears, albeit misspelled, on this month's Yankee Employee Of The Month ballot.

How did he get there? None of the commenters nominated this disappointing masseur; they knew better. That leaves, as prime suspect, the hack who unilaterally contrives the monthly poll--a manchild so oblivious to the realities of business, he believes that a fired employee can be employee of the month––the anonymous blogger and admitted binge-drinker who calls himself El Duque.

In the confused value system of Duque's self-immolating mind, failure should be rewarded with a big, shiny trophy. But the real world doesn't work that way. The free market doesn't work that way. Baseball doesn't work that way. And, most crucially, democracy doesn't work that way.

What is to be done?

We could ask him to change the poll, but recent history warns us never to appeal to a blogger's sense of honor, for he has no use for honor--nor for anything else that fails to reward an effortless mouse-click with a deluge of prurient gratification.

Which leaves us no choice to apply good old-fashioned, pre-digital political pressure.

This poll must be pulled and replaced with an honest one.

We must demand this of El Duque, and demand it again, and again, and again, until he caves like a majority Democrat.

I invite your comments, as surely as Duque dreads them.

Why we love the Small Market Sox

Because in self-esteem, they never let us down.

Terror alert level raised today in Scranton

The Anthracite Museum must be in lockdown.

"MOOSIC - A Peckville man was arrested Thursday night after he allegedly smashed the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Yankees' 2008 Governors' Cup trophy while baseball fans cheered on the home team during a game at PNC Field.

"Michael Cortezar, 40, of 1015 Lower Pleasant Ave., was in custody of the Lackawanna County Sheriff's Department late Thursday and awaiting arraignment on charges of disorderly conduct and criminal mischief, Chief Deputy Sheriff Dominick Manetti said.

"Chief Manetti said that prior to the 7:50 p.m. trophy incident, stadium staff were addressing an unknown issue with Mr. Cortezar, who had been watching the game against the Syracuse Chiefs.

"The earlier issue appeared resolved when Mr. Cortezar walked into the stadium's administrative offices, grabbed the trophy from a case and hurled it to the floor, Chief Manetti said."

I'm betting he really hated the removal of a pitcher.

Yankeetorial: Our front office is finally playing hardball

For most of this wretched decade, the Yankees dealt with their enemies in the manner of the current Obama administration: Smile, play nice, and pretend they'll actually negotiate. Of course, they never did..

How many times did teams (Suck on Casey Fossum, Arizona!) deal players to Boston or California for scrap metal, shortly after they demanded huge, over-the-top payments from us? And months later, we'd attempt trade talks again, as if it never happened.

How many times did we sit out bidding wars (the Hunters, the Beltrans, et al) while fat MLB poobahs and toadie sportswriters blamed us for rising salaries? Did they scream about the Small Market Socks getting JD Drew or Dice K? Did they yeowl about the Angels and Mets? No. We were the bad guys, guilty for runaway costs, whether we signed anybody or not.

Well, since Hal and Hank took over, we've played the same game as our rivals... and not too soon. Last winter, we signed the Big 3. Baseball screamed about the money, (forgetting Barry Zito) but what was the diff? We'd get blamed for every contract anyway. They blame us for everything -- steroids, disputed home runs, whatever -- so we might as well win a few games on the way.

Last week, the S&M Socks orchestrated a salary-dump steal, peddling two minor league gerbils for Billy Wagner. (Of course, they're David, facing Goliath, so nobody complains about the $2.7 million they'll pay Wagner for roughly six innings of work.)

Well, yesterday, Cashman put in a claim on one of the minor leaguers, 26-year-old Chris Carter (not the one at left, who played in the 1998 Pro Bowl). It's an office thing. We won't get him. But it forces Boston to hold Carter's roster spot for the next two months, limiting their options to add players.

You know what it is? It's a pain in the ass for them.

Hon joo, Cash! Gyaddamm! right on!

If you don't play hard in the front office, why should your players do it on the field?

Thursday, August 27, 2009

T-shirt from Munson Mecca

Wear this, and you will be invulnerable.

Wear this, and you need only to point to someone, and you shall have sex with them.

You grew up reading "Sports of the Times"

Hell, your granddad grew up reading it.

Abner Doubleday got the idea for baseball from one of the columns.


From Murray Chass himself...

"This is a column about a column. Put another way, this is a eulogy for a column that is dying after 82 years. It is the Sports of the Times column of The New York Times. The Times seems intent on killing the column before the newspaper itself dies. It’s like parents, knowing they are going to die, killing their children because they won’t be able to live on without them."

Yankees honor Kennedy by donating game to Texas

New York _ To honor the late U.S. Senator Ted Kennedy, the Yankees today donated to the Texas Rangers a victory in the American League Wild Card race.

"We felt it was the right thing to do," manager Joe Girardi told reporters. "Senator Kennedy always stood up for the downtrodden, and frankly, we have enough wins. We have more than we need. We thought of sending money or making speeches, but in the end, playing putridly, giving up seven runs and failing to hit with runners in scoring position seemed right."

Texas officials expressed gratitude over the Yankees' generosity.

"They shout class in every way," manager Ron Washington said. "They could have pitched Phil Hughes, but they brought in Phil Coke instead. That's having top shelf priorities. We are thankful for the chance to play them on this memorable day."


A statement from IIH Public Relations Director Howard Rubenstein:

After lengthy discussions with the IIH Executive Panel, the IIH Board of Trustees, the IIH Advisory Committee for Sensitivity Training, and our legal department, IT IS HIGH has ruled that only in the rarest of circumstances can a non-Yankee employee be nominated for Yankee Employee of the Month.

We realize this saddens some voters, but to name a non-employee as Yankee Employee of the Month would not only lower morale, but potentially open the franchise to offer benefit and severance packages.


Hideki Matsui, hitting.
Derek Jeter, leadership
C.C. Sabathia, pitching
Kei Igawa, enhanced trade value
Brian Cashman, obtained Chad Gaudin
Dr. Stuart Hershon, knee-drainer
Damaso Marte, gutsy comeback
Kevin Russo, minor league hitter
Scott Yellin, team massage therapist
Jim Rice, (Honorary) inspirational speaker
Suzyn Waldman, color lady

Cano too comfy? Our Scranton 2B is leading the league in hitting, and his uniform always gets dirty

His name is Kevin Russo. He just turned 25, and he's traveled most of his Yankee career below radar. He's never fallen backyards, he plays three positions, and he's leading the IL in hitting.

Live Blog on Cano Today. He Needs A Rest.

So far, Cano is 0-2 with runners in scoring position.

He has left 5 men on base and ended two potential big innings.

He started the day hitting .207 with RISP.

What is with this guy?

He can only hit with no one on base?  Shouldn't he bat ninth, then?

Last night, John unveiled his signature call for a Jerry Hairston Jr. HR

It might need refining.

Can fans be considered nominees for Yankee Employee of the Month?

If so... what do we do about this?

How will Kennedy's death affect the pennant race?

We went 22-6 after the Pope broke his wrist, raising suspicions that B-Dict had been secretly praying against us for years. Once his cast came off, we began struggling. We stumbled in Chicago -- a team now lying down with neck exposed for Boston -- and then the Small Market Redsocks traded two blind bus drivers for Billy Wagner.

It's obvious, dammit: The Pope made some calls, cashed in some IOUs, dropped a dime on Ted Kennedy. Do the math: Boston connection, big funeral, tropical storm headed that way, Posada reinjures finger -- and nobody talking about Papi's drug abuses. It's so perfect, so clean. I just wish we knew what role John Henry's new, 30something wife played here. Let's face it, whenever a hottie marries a Rupert Diaperdock moneywad, she's working angles. Dammit: If we learned nothing from the final season of "Lost," we learned that.

What's her angle? How did she end up working for the Pope? What does she know?
Kennedy's death won't rally the Democrats to health care. It will rally the Redsocks. It will affect the pebble-sized brain of Kevin Youkilis, a gelatin mass that's taken so many jolts, he probably thinks Bert Convey is president. In their secret motel room, early each morning, John Henry's wife is probably whispering things into Youk's ear, like the demented evil mother in "Manchurian Candidate," telling him to throw his helmet at opposing pitchers whenever he hears sound of a ball striking a helmet.

Make no mistake: This is bad. Here's where we needed U.S. Sen. Caroline Kennedy from New York. She could go to Boston, corner some rats, settle things the family way. Not only that, but C-Kenn wouldn't even have had to attend the Great New York State Fair -- which starts today -- and eat a heart-bursting sausage sandwhich for the Fred Dickers of the press. This would have been her ticket out, her doctor's excuse to get Arod back on track.

Write this down: Boston will make a run. We haven't heard the last of Posada's finger.
We need a counterbalance. And worst of all, the Employee of the Month vote -- with its scientifically proven curse -- is coming. Don't print any playoff tickets. The magic number remains infinite.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

It is time to take nominations for August Yankee Employee of the Month

Repeating, for those who missed it:


This is where YOU, the general public, come in.

Theo Epstein Evaluates Jonathan Papelbon

“He’s not a Rhodes Scholar to begin with, obviously."

Remember that Santana deal? The one we blew?

"How good is this Yankee package? Hughes is the surest thing, and he has a questionable work ethic and more of an injury history at 21 than Santana at 28. There are many baseball people who like Kennedy more than Hughes, but just as many who think he is a fifth starter. It is possible that outside of a strong Yankee lineup that protects him, Cabrera would be a fourth outfielder. The idea that all of these players are going to play well for a long period for the Yanks is folly, whereas barring catastrophic injury Santana is close to a sure thing."

Who Started Last Night? Let Me Deduce.

I've been down in South Mexico trying to sell some property to the poppy growers, so we can raise funds to buy a water cooler for our South Mexican Dirt field League champions to be.

Bern Baby stopped by the Cantina on Monday and, when I last looked, he was still at the bar. The man is now very popular with the ladies and has spent his entire vacation stash on Hera Dura Anejo.

But I digress.

We don't get newspapers down here and we have limited TV coverage, but I did see a scroll last night on the BBC channel how the Yanks had a 4 run lead early, in the opening game of their home stand.

Around noon today, one of the fruit pickers came came in with a radio to his ear and told me that before he passed out, the Rangers ( the only team covered at all down here ) were up 7-4 or 7-5 by the end of the fourth inning.

So, I had some tequila shots and got out my pad and pencil.

Who is it, I asked myself , that gives up tons of runs early, can't hold a lead, goes 0-2 on most batters and ends up walking them, uses 106 pitches by inning 5 at the latest, and should not be a starter?

I bet three bushels of freshly picked corn against a pick-up truck of onions it was JOBA.

Please send a telex if I'm right.

I still don't know if we won or lost. I only care about the onions.

Who strarted Last N

Who strarted Last N

Who strarted Last N

Portrait of a WinWarble that Wasn't

Sooooo close. Melky's drive goes over the shortstop and into the gap, and John Sterling might have a new WinWarble record.

If election day were today, would you vote for Joba starting in the playoffs?

Game I: Sabathia v. Lackey

Game II: Burnett v. Weaver


Game four: Sabathia v Lackey...

For the record, I've no quarrel with Dave Eilland's work. But it seems as though we have no clue WTF goes on inside Joba Chamberlain's size 14 head. Over the all-star break, our nipple ringed leviathan goes home to the meth lab, plays Wii, eats macaroni and cheese, and then returns as Victor Zambrano. Everything hunky dory.

Then, as soon as we start penciling him in as a win, he reverts to the 4-inning, 102-pitch, Stephen King directed movie bomb (Think "Maximum Overdrive.")

So what does Eilland do? What anybody would do. He orchestrates a virtual all-star break, gives our boy 10 days off to wander the shopping malls and download porn, like any other self-respecting 23-year-old demon child of the corn. Makes perfect sense.

What happens? "Maximum Overdrive," starring Chris Farley.

Right now, we have no fourth starter. Right now, we have no fifth starter. We win those games by scoring 10 runs. Last night, we scored nine. Wasn't enough.

What we do have, though, is a plump, juicy, six-game lead, three veteran starters and a relatively decent bullpen. And come Monday, we can unleash the hordes of Scranton -- everybody from Edwar, to Alba, to Melancon -- everybody.

But somebody's gotta figure this out. Way I see it, the Small Market Sox are about to receive a huge influx of pitchers. And where the hell goeth Phil Hughes?

Yanks use surgical game-ending DP to torture Small Market Sox

Hats off to Joe! He orders the Nick Swisher pop-up bunt, then Melky's game-ending DP liner -- keeping Texas in the Wild Card race and Socks newlywed medical marvel John Henry in the Prosac and Cialis cocktails!

Sure, it always hurts to lose, and let's not develop some psyche complex about Pudge Rodriguez, who John considers a great human being. I'm saying we keep Josh Hamilton in strippers and day-drunks until Sept. 31, if that's what it takes to rally the Rangers. But hell, why sweep now?

For the record: This is not expressing fear of Boston. This is playing with cafeteria food. This is walking to your Country Kitchen booth with a huge plate of mashed potatos (Big Papi) and peas (Papelbon) -- small market food -- then sculpting a hockey goal and firing shots into it with your knife. If we've got corn, let's make succotash. Sufferin' succotash.

Don't get swept at home. One more loss? I can take it. Last night's only downside? John would have had a great WinWarble.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Remember that Johan Santana deal? Well..

He's going under the knife.

Because those who cannot remember the past...

December 2007...

"Britney Spears is moving with as much speed toward Shakespearean theatre as the Yanks are moving toward true rebuilding.

"With another $200 million payroll and a positional roster that might have to be carbon dated to determine its age, the 2008 Yanks will remain a now team. This is why they must sacrifice even more precious youth - think Phil Hughes, Melky Cabrera and Jose Tabata - to land Johan Santana."

"So to keep up with the Red Sox, the Yanks need their Beckett. The cost is going to be staggering. In fact, right now, the Twins' asking price is even higher than Hughes/Cabrera/Tabata. But this is just the infancy of negotiations, and if the Yanks can take requests to that area, they must act, in part as a way of protecting the young starters left after this deal."

Question: Should we lose to the Rangers just to piss off the Small Market Sox?

I see no reason to sweep Texas. We lost a game in Smalltown. We should lose at least one to the Rangers.

Start Sergio Mitre, then go to Swisher. Let Melky play first. Give Jeet the night off, and let Molina play shortstop. Can we make a roster change so Suzyn can get an at bat?

Bring up that first round draft pick -- Slade Hitchcock, Heathrow, whatever -- and bat him cleanup.

Billy Crystal! He been working out in Tampa?

Wagner Goes To Sox For A Bag of Balls

The Boston Red Sox, feeling the pressure of not enough payroll and not enough big names on their roster, have been awarded the Met's Billy Wagner  for two mid-level AA players.

The Red Sox granted Wagner's request to release him from any obligation next season so, when he does sign with another team, the Red Sox will get draft picks.  And the Red Sox do not have to pick up his $10 million contract.

No top prospect of the Sox was involved in this transaction, per usual. 

 The Indians didn't want any good players for Victor Martinez, and the Mets didn't want any for Wagner.  Both wanted career minor leaguers to fill up holes in their rosters.

 Why does everyone give up proven talent to the small market Red sox and want nothing back?

Is this a conspiracy that the baseball Commissioner should investigate?

I need a gallon of manhattans, followed by tranquilizers.

We will rue this deal in the playoffs.

John & Suzyn backing Georgie in page dispute

For the record, they have to back Georgie.

It's like Thumper backing Bambi. They have to.

10 events that would make this the greatest season in history

1. We win the World Series in seven over Joe's Dodgers. (Duh.)

2. Jeter named MVP; Tex in second.

3. Small Market Sox miss playoffs after Papelbon blows 2-run lead.

4. John Sterling breaks 9-second WinWarble barrier.

5. Michael Jackson's deranged killer, Paul McCartney, brought to justice.

6. All 103 MLB steroid users -- including members of Small Market Sox -- publicly revealed.

7. Carl Pavano pulls hammy. (NOTE: We do not wish arm trouble on any pitcher; a twanging hammy will suffice.)

8. In final game, NY fans give Hideki Matsui the "PAUL O'NEILL!" treatment.

9. Kate Hudson & Minka Kelly overcome differences, unite to work for world peace.

10. Republicans & Democrats, inspired by Kate Hudson & Minka Kelly, overcome differences, unite for world death panels.

"Small Market Sox" in Wild Card battle

Last night, the Small Market Sox -- those plucky, cherished, living baseball embodiments of the movie "Hoosiers" -- somehow managed to beat the mean old Big Market Sox from Chicago.

Led by Happy Smile Papi and Rumage Sale Youk, these Slumdog heros are chasing immortality in the fight of their lives, battling the huge, gold-plated Gotham Goliaths of the baseball world.

How are they doing it? Well, Flea Market Theo is always on the scrounge for a bargain basement castoff, such as Dollar Store Billy Wagner, who was pitched overboard by the Gomorah Mets.

Let's hope this beloved band of misfits can put together a miracle finish and bring another championship to Small Town, U.S.A.

The only question? Who will play them in the Ron Howard movie?

Monday, August 24, 2009

"Small Market Sox?:" HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Let this, from the Boston Dirt Dogs, remind us all
of why we became Yankee fans.

"Smackdown Big Apple Payroll 8
Small Market Sox 4"

From now on, to me, they shall
always be
the "Small Market Sox."

Update: Hahahahahahaha.

Great quotes by John Sterling

My fave is the one about the ideal client.

Only 4 days 'till MAX -- the amazing ancient crystal skull -- comes to Syracuse, while Scranton plays tiddlywinks on the periphery

MAX, the Ancient Crystal Healing Skull -- with caretaker Joann Parks (above, on right) -- is coming to Syracuse this weekend.

Joann Parks inherited MAX from a Tibetan healer, Norbu Chen, where she worked as a receptionist/assistant, upon his passing. Joann now travels all over the country, and sometimes abroad, sharing MAX with people who desire to experience a meeting with a crystal skull! She also brings minature crystal skulls, for purchase. Each carries the energies of MAX.

Amazingly... and strangely... the arrival of MAX will be sandwiched by contests between the Syracuse Chiefs and the Scranton-Wilkes Barre Red Baron-Yankees!

Don't believe it? HERE'S PROOF!

NOTE: For unexplained reasons, Syracuse will play Louisville while MAX is in town. Why?

Taking Alphonso's advice, I'm on a grueling scouting mission

Since I felt guilty having Alphonso do all our advance scouting work in the South Mexican Dirt League, I have undertaken a scouting mission of my own, scouring the beaches of the East Coast searching for the next great arm. I believe Andrew Brackman was discovered this way.

If the next great arm is only, say, 14, then we can simple have him shipped to Latin America, have him lie and say he's 16 and sign him for several million dollars -- taking, of course, a generous "consulting fee." Bud Selig has assured us that he's OK with that.

I'd get into more details, but the sun is hot and the Utica Club is cold. Yes, the grueling work of scouting calls.

-- BBB

In speech fraught with metaphor and parable, Jim Rice was using Jeet as literary device

Statement from Redsock Hall of Famer Jim Rice, regarding his misquoted comments last week that Little Leaguers should not emulate Derek Jeter:

"It is deeply regretful that, regretably, once again our tone-deaf media trogdolytes failed to identify the employment of literary symbolism in my speech last week to the wee folk.

"In mentioning Mr. Jeter, I was, in fact, not targeting him per se, but the rampantly self-indulgent commercialization of sports, which denigrates not only the educational instutions of athleticism but the very soul of the games that we so cherish, which occasionally occurs when players such as he is publicly identified in speeches.

"My humorous and fundamentally positve reference to Mr. Jeter appeared in a multi-textured context which, apparently, was too complex for the sensibilities of my journalist friends.

"This is regretable, because the children that day clearly understood my pure meaning, which I will not re-explain, because I fear reporters would only re-misinterpret it, adding to the regretful dialogue which has already mischaracterized both myself, Mr. Jeter and the good people of Boston.

"To those who callously twist meanings of my words, I say this: "My fists are raised. Do it again, and you shall be heartily beaten off."

If Anyone Tells You They Could Have Predicted This, Suzyn, They Are Out Of Their Effing Minds, Pardon My French has video of last night's five (5) NYY homers WITH AUDIO OF JOHN STERLING'S CALLS! RIGHT HERE!

Question to Mr. Sterling: Do we have to play every game?

Some people suggest playing hard now and then, not putting forth one's absolute best team effort in every game, regardless of the situation. What's your opinion?

John's analysis of the situation touches Suzyn's soul

John Sterling's recap of WHERE WE ARE brings out a true glimpse of Suzyn Waldman's soul.

Saving it for the Playoffs? John's Redsock Rubber Warble is only 6.04 seconds

Have the Yankees put him on a Warble count?

We beat Boston at home, beat Beckett at him, basically clinch a post-season birth and maybe screw the Redsocks from the playoffs... and he doesn't hit 6.50 seconds?

Something's up.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Public Service Announcement for the Morning of 8/24

Blast both of these great tunes when your Red Sox co-workers get to work tomorrow:

I told You Earlier: This Yankee Team Is A Turkey

Aj Burnett was paid $100 million plus by Brian Cashman to beat the Fu***** Red Sox in the late season and playoffs.

So far, he is very effective against the Royals.

CC can't beat anyone either, when it matters.

No one in our line-up can beat a former industrial league pitcher form Japan.

And watch them all flail at the air when Tim Wakefield returns.

This team will make the playoffs.  Whooppeee.  And be out in round one.

They are useless cowards and failures.  Dream on you dreamers.  They are doing nothing once it really matters.

They are turkeys.  Miserable, succulent turkeys.

I hope you all like football.

BREAKING: Peter Gammons At Fenway For Tonight's Game

In a surprise move, ESPN's Peter Gammons will be offering commentary live and in person at tonight's game!!!

If we lose tonight, season's over

If we lose tonight... forget the post-season, forget that pennant-clinch party, forget that trip to New York for the Canyon of Heroes, forget MVP, forget sunsets, forget rainbows, forget wearing knee socks to your prostitute, forget everything. It's over, done, gone, kaput, rogga, cloim, booglah. No happy times. No birthdays. No phone calls from the Pope. End of summer. End of puberty. End of time. No economic recovery, no free content, no candy, no tomorrow.

It's that simple: Win tonight... or our lead is cut to 5.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Illinois high school plans to name room after Robert Novak

World Exclusive: Joba is going back to the pen!

No, not to visit his mother.

According to the Yankees brain trust, he'll be restricted to six more starts this season. Do the math (I can't be bothered).

He's not going to get a start during the post season. He'll be part of an "all hands on deck" bullpen.

Just you wait and see.

Developing. Must credit "IT IS HIGH..."

And check out this lovely work of art, while you're here.

Click on the image to visit the artist's online gallery. (Boobs!)

Tom Ridge Homeland Threat Index explained

Question to Mr. Sterling: Will yesterday's game affect today's game?

The Curse of Creed?

Comment from "J" unveils the nasty, hurtful business of this wretched band:

"Johnny goes to a Creed concert. He gets injured and taken out of the game 3 pitches into his first at-bat.

"Bruney goes to a Creed concert. He walks the bases loaded.

"I'm scared to see Robertson's next outing... "

Let's just pray that, during Robertson's wind-up, he doesn't pitch with arms wide open.

John's Warble: 4.56 seconds... Did we really win?

John & Suzyn: For at least one night, one happy couple

Friday, August 21, 2009

Turn it up


Three reasons we don't want to sweep Boston

1. No matter what happens, Boston will rally in September. This notion that we'd "knock them out of the race" this weekend? Forget it. They have too many veterans. The Rangers or Rays are more likely to fold. Expect Boston to be in the post-season. Which means...

2. We're better off not sweeping them. I'm serious. If we roll them, despite the obvious pleasure it'll bring, they'll regroup and turn mean, while we grow comfy-cozy. We gotta win one game, maybe two. Save the sweep for October.

3. No matter what happens, there's a whole frickin month left. We could lose three at Fenway, then turn around and win the next 10. We cannot blow first place this weekend. But we need one game. Two is gravy. Three... we've peaked too soon.

I know the above is blasphemy. But think of it this way:

They won the first eight.

If we win the next seven, won't the pendulum be shifting their way... and in October?

Emotional reunion tonight

Damaso Marte said to be bringing his "spices" back to Pinstripes.

Jim Rice To Little Leaguers: 'I Order You To Hate Derek Jeter'

I am not even exaggerating, hardly. Go read it. [via LoHud]

Crisis of Conscience: Creed is the worst band ever, and Johnny Damon likes them

This is bad. This is very bad.
Scott Stapp and Co. grew up in the Orlando area and have known Johnny for a while now.

So Johnny rented a bus and he, Brian Bruney, Eric Hinske, Dave Robertson, Phil Coke and Kevin Long will travel from Boston to the show. Johnny arranged for everything.

Alan Horne is going to make it back

Seems like yesterday -- or 2005 -- that Alan Horne was our secret bet to claim a spot in the rotation. Then everything went blooey, and he looked to be the latest in a painful daisy chain of first-ballot designees for the Yankiverse's Hall of Fame, the Christian Parker Wing:

That is, the place for pitchers who would have made The Show, if not for shredding their arms trying.

Well, write this down: Alan Horne is going to make it.

(NOTE: In honor of the current national debate in health care, I see no reason be factual in anything I say. In fact, truth can hamper the process, seriously undermining the chance for violent acts that would dramatically increase TV ratings and revenues. Therefore, I have chosen not to look up Horne's age or research his actual chances of returning to form.)

Here's my reasoning: Now and then, Horne's dad posts on the forum of, and dammot, it's hard not to root for the guy. Besides, the Christian Parker Wing is already overcrowded.

And yesteday, via Sliding Into Home, there is evidence of hope. (Keep in mind, Horne's pitching in the Gulf Coast League, which is like Justin Timberlake competing in American Idol.)

I don't care. You can be pessimistic.

Write this down: Alan Horne is going to make it.

Ready for Fenway, She-Fan dons on a reeeeeeeally short skirt

But, oh, those legs...

Olive Oyl won't sleep tonight.

If Plaxico goes to Georgetown, upstate NY fans might have a special treat next summer

Yesterday, Plax got two years -- a 20-month minimum -- for shooting the Giants in the foot last year just before the playoffs.

Odds are, he'll do at least the final stretch of his time in a minimum security prison, such as the beautiful Camp Georgetown in Madison County. If so, grid fans next summer can take a short side trip from watching the Jets train in Cortland and maybe see the former Giant star clearing shrubbery from the roads of South Otselic!

Wait a minute. Deep thought:

If three years ago, Plax accidentally dropped his gun at a secret dogfight, wounding Michael Vick's pitbull rather than himself, both players might have no problems today.

Jacoby Ellsbury on Cusp of Redsockian Fleet-footedness Immortality

Lo! The beef known as Coby shall soon
possess the most coveted honor in all of sports:
Greatest single-season basestealer for the
franchise that is synonymous with stealing bases!

Faster than Yaz!
Speedier than Mo Vaughn!
Quicker than Tony C!
He'll soon beat the reigning Redsock king of steals...
uhm... whose name escapes me...
wait... It's Harper!
Yeah, Tommy Harper!
The guy who sued the Redsocks for racial discrimination and won!
Congratulations in advance, Coby!