Friday, December 31, 2010

Did you call to them last night? The all-time greatest baseball nicknames that sound like someone vomiting

















In re-enactment of grand tradition, Yankees screw Kansas again

With great sea-salty tears of nostalgia, New York City yesterday christened the new Yankee Stadium with its first raw and uninhibited public screwing of Kansas, upholding a grand tradition as old as time itself.

Once again -- in the names of Brett, Maris, Damon and Cone -- the Yankees invited Kansas City folks to Gotham and then stole their wallets while they stood up to cheer.

Most refreshing was the stunning and creative new format: the post-touchdown, celebratory game-ending hosejob.

For those of you with lives, or who didn't care about two teams with records worse than the unspeakably rancid and earth-embarrassing NY Giants... here's what happened.

With seconds left, Kansas State scored a touchdown to come within two points of Syracuse. In the end zone, the SU defensive back shoved the wide receiver, seemingly an unsportsmanslike conduct penalty. The Kansas wide receiver turned to the crowd and gave a military salute. Briefly. That was it.

At that point, manager Billy Martin erupted from the Yankee dugout and demanded that referees check the ball for pine tar. They found some in the area of the stitches and assessed a 15-yard penalty, requring KSU to attempt the tying two-point play from the 15 yard line, instead of the three.

Folks, it was like beating on Kansas City back in the days of Manny Mota.

In fact, it reminded us of an old IT IS HIGH poem...

Kansas City

We'd never lose another game,
How great our starting nine would be!
Each member in the Hall of Fame!
If all we did was play KC.

Old Jeet would have a million hits,
A 12-year, non-stop hitting spree,
We'd blast their bullpens into bits!
If all we did was play KC.

Our teams would top all "Greatest" lists,
Each game showcased on Fox TV,
We'd watch McCarver slit his wrists,
If all we did was play KC.

Our Pentagon would drop no bombs,
No body counts, no war decrees,
No more Iraqs, no Vietnams,
If all we did was play KC.

To loss, we'd never be resigned,
How great our Presidents would be,
This time, no children left behind,
If all we did was play KC.

Perhaps some day we'll make that deal,
One foe, throughout eternity,
But Satan's grin might shine surreal,
When George Brett bats for old KC.

From The First Annual Pinstripe Bowl: The Presentation Of The George Steinbrenner Trophy

Some from the fabulous Syracuse community were almost in a swing out at the 161st Street D train station after the game.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

... Then came words bringing terror to Yankee fans eveywhere: The Yankees are interested in Bartolo Colon

For the first time since we didn't trade for Grienke, I am starting to worry about 2011.

Bartolo Colon?

Maybe our young pitchers are worse than we thought.

According to the wires, the Yankees are interested in Bartolo Colon, a beanbag-shaped vagabond who hasn't hit 95 on the gun since the last time Donald Rumsfeld was being hailed as a geopolitical strategist.

Listen: It's OK to pick up rocks to see what's underneath.

It's OK to visit garage sales or buy tube socks at flea markets.

It's OK to date ex-members of Hole, as long as you wear protection.

Bartolo Colon? No. It's not OK to Bartolo Colon.

Fortunately, we can take into consideration the source of the news that the Yankees are interested in Bartolo Colon:

Bartolo Colon.

Colonoscopy? Sure, sign me up!

Bartolo Colon? No thanks.

Summer of discontinent: August 2010 IIH Recap

We played our cousins.

Summatai mandalivinnis eeezee: The IIH July 2010 Recap

The voice died.

Aint no cure for the summatime blues; The IIH June 2010 Recap

We attempted to move on the incredibly painful and grossly unjust
censorship of our beloved WinWarbles (See May) with a new artistic tool.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

"No plows" Bloomberg v. "Wusses" of Phily: Battle of Screwed up Snowtowns


1st Quarter: NY strands 10,000 people in airport.  Score NY 7, Phil 0
2nd Quarter: NY still has 10,000 people in airport. Score NY 14, Phil 0
2nd Quarter. NY fucks up snow plows. Score NY 17, Phil 0
2nd Quarter. NY still has 10,000 stranded. Score: NY 24, Phil 0
4th Quarter: Phil cancels NFL game based on weather forecast that doesn't come true.

FINAL: Philadelphia 27, NY 24

May Daze: The IIH 2010 May Recap

We struggled.

Somebody just turned 37!

Happy Birthday, Richie.

Spring sprunged: The IIH April 2010 Recap

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Monday, December 27, 2010

You survived it, now relive it: THE IT-IS-HIGH JANUARY 2010 RECAP

The year had just begun. Through the miracle of Photoshop,
Alphonso appeared on national teevee in a Snuggly,
or a Cuddly, or Crumbly, or whateverthefuk they're called.
We wore a Proudly.

It's snowing, so Phily postpones a football game? 10 reasons why

1. Lost revenue from sales of frozen Slushies.
2. Brett Farve only recently woke up from 4-week cryogenic freeze.
3. Who can play football with testicles shriveling up!
4. Snow obscures on-field NFL product placement ads.
5. DB shoulder-length hairstyles may freeze and snap off.
6. Winning coach could be crushed by hard block of Gatorade.
7. Michael Vick needs to be home cuddling with warm puppies.
8. Kicking cold football hurts toe.
9. Field within iceball throwing distance of fans.
10. QBs refuse to remove hands from centers' warm crotch.

Yankee fan derided, abused in Pennsylvania

Close your eyes, children. Don't look. This is what happens to a Yankee fan in Reading.

It's a wonder they didn't drag his headless body through the streets.







Sunday, December 26, 2010

True Quit

True Grit weekend III

Ask Dr. Duque: Is it OK to root for the Giants today?

Dear Dr. Duque, I'm a big big Giants fan. (Go Blue!) But last week, watching them lose to the Eagles was mighty awful. Should I root for the team today against Green Bay? I mean, minga! if we win, we're in the playoffs, and maybe we win the Super Bowl, like 2007, right? What should I do? TORN IN UTICA

Dear Torn,

Suck up a molecule of pride, you miserable toad.

Today, we should root for the sorryass Gints to get slapped around like Lindsay Lohan's personal assistant after a bad coke deal. There's a time when every God-fearing fan must deny performing juju for his team's own good, and today is it.

Unless you've slept through the last 15 years, you should know that any time Giant fans show optimism about their team -- ANY TIME -- the expression of hope has the effect of an albatross carcass necklace for a salty seaman. The team collapses.

The only way for the Giants to win is if their fans scorn them -- a double reverse juju bank shot that somehow catches the underside of Coughlin's Crankies and lifts them to victory. That's what happened in 2007: Going into the final weeks, with Shockey and Kiwanuka gone, the Giants Universe abandoned hope and started looking at Coughlin's successor. Suddenly, they won.

So here's the game plan: GO YOU PACKERS. Kill the Gints. It doesn't matter anyway. We'd lose early in the playoffs for sure. Lose now. If Coughlin goes, Bill Cowher can take over, we have a chance for 2012, and maybe we'll be able to believe in the Giants openly, without suffering the consequences.

Repeating: Do not root today. The juju gods punish fans who do not remember history.

True Grit weekend IV

True Grit: Early-Mid 1950's

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Hard Rockin John and Suzy and Company

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

True Grit weekend II

True Grit weekend