Saturday, December 11, 2010

Open Letter to Mr. Cliff Lee: If it's all about taxes, we don't want you

Dear Madam or Sir:

Well, we've done our bit. We've shaken the beads. We've lit the candles. We've slept with PJs inside-out, the most powerful juju known to the Yankiverse, and we've offered you the kind of lifetime loyalty and love that a moose gives a flying squirrel. We've offered the moon. We have nothing left to promise.

Rumors say you're tilting toward Texas. You prefer their tax rates.

OK. Fine. Lower taxes. Yep. We understand. We hate taxes, too.

If you prefer Texas so you can chinz on the old public teat, well... we have one thought...

Stay there. Stay right there.

Play those night games in 105 heat. Enjoy the front office sniping about your contract, when teammates leave. Revel in the salary dump rumors each spring. Hang with Jerry Jones, George W., the dry-drunk nutjob in centerfield, and all those Juliard country singers who wear cowboy hats, marry Hollywood dolts and sing about their trailer parks.

You want Texas? Go. Go now. Don't waste our time.

We thought you were the guy who loves the New York spotlight, the must games in October, the rivalries and the greatest stage in sports. Maybe we were wrong. Maybe you're the millionaire star whose main objective is paying lower taxes.

Sir, seven years is a long time. Don't expect the Yankees to take you when Texas starts blaming you for the inability to sign somebody. (Remember Arod?) We did it with Kevin Brown. We did it with Randy Johnson. We won't do it with you.

Sir, sign with Texas, if you wish.

Pay less taxes, if you wish.

If you go, good luck, best wishes, hope all is well, etc. It was never meant to be. We made a mistake.

We thought you were somebody else.


Alph from IRS said...

You should also tell him that Texas, like most of the cheating, lying states, is near bankruptcy and that state taxes will go up the day after he inks his contract.

Arthur Teacher said...

I hope his kids go to private schools.

Joe De Pastry said...

P.S. But would he at least ask his friend in the Phillies shirt whether she might be looking for a position in the NY metropolitan area.