Monday, May 31, 2010

Fake John Sterling on Twitter

Sunday, May 30, 2010

A Win Warble that MLB lawyers can't shut down ... although they'll probably try

Here you go, ladies and gentlemen, today's Win Warble ... sponsored by MLB Properties!!!!!

Yankees, dejected and disillusioned by MLB attack on team blog, collapse

They must be laughing in the Kremlin today...

Not only did Rug Selig's suited predator drones take out the IT IS HIGH/Summer YouTube Beach Party, but now they're affecting Yankee team play itself. The Bombers -- demoralized by the Top Kill legal mechanisms that have now ended the WinWarble -- crumbled against Cleveland like a chunk of sidewalk chalk -- so Selig's used-car dealer/small market baseball owner fantasies can finally play out in the real world. Just like a reality TV show!

If MLB can destroy the Yankees -- through IIH, of course -- it will drive down the cost of free agency until Carl Crawford is earning less than a drive-thru automaton at Wendy's, and MLB will achieve NFL-like parity -- because let's face it, when it comes to paying the help, they're communists at heart.

ALSO: THANKS TO JOHN STERLING who gave us a shout-out yesterday in the 7th. He called our name. We'd play it for you, but for the MLB cone of silence.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Open Letter to Maury Povich: Let me confront my MLB abusers on your show


I have been abused by strangers, and I want justice on your show.

The slimey, pennypinching copyright lawyers -- aw, hell, they're bastards, why call them anything else? -- the suited oily MLB bastards forced those free-speech jelly donuts at YouTube to censor my life's only valuable achievement, (beyond my invention of "the Talking Foreskin.): the WinWarble measurement index.


Moreso, it has deleted discussions of John's favorite books, explanations about the impossibility of predicting baseball games and and the mash-ups, yes, Maury, the mash-ups -- even my Bruce Springsteen/John Sterling duet, which consisted of the final strains of "Born to Run" interspersed with John Sterling yelling "thuuuuuuh."

There must five seconds overall of Sterling's yell of Thuuuh.

Copyright infringement. YouTube apparently received a legal-BS letter on an MLB legal masthead, and the sissies caved in like a tent made of single-ply Kleenex. This is the future of free speech? Where's Rand Paul? Where's Saul Alinsky? Three seconds of "thuhhhh" -- why deny it, of course, it came from a Yankee broadcast -- is so sacred that -- in the context of parody, of satire, of humor -- MLB must exorcize it from the airwaves. WTF?

Maury, we're non-commericial. We're small. We do this for fun. Oh, hell, why bother continuing, Maury, here's the reality: MLB wasn't earning money from us, and it pays lawyers a lot of money... so...

Maury, we're counting on you. Bring us on your show.
 Let thuuuuuuuuh people decide.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Cashman's Katrina?


The Search is on for a New Voice to Represent IIH, IIF, II...c

John Sterling can never be replaced (apparently), but now is the chance for this blog to find a new voice for all the Yankiverse, one to inspire the fans, motivate the players and carry on a great tradition. Send in your videos now!

10 things MLB lawyers do when not harassing Yankee blogs

1. Cruise municipal landfills for diseased rats to mate with.

2. Wash ashore with dead flamingos on oil-slicked Louisiana beaches.

3. Watch The Larry King Show.

4. Swap photographs on personal colonoscopy blogs.

5. Play Creed videos on iPads.

6. Steal wheelchairs from adorable disabled children.

7. Give intensely erotic foot massages to Bud Selig. 

8. Furnish Tim McCarver with fresh human blood.

9. Slither.

10. Chase ambulances, because incapacitated victims might be wearing unlicensed MLB merchandise.

Thursday, May 27, 2010


I'm coming back from the dirt field league to work with you on a counter-strategy to their counter strategy.

You have letters from actual butt heads at MLB?

I know some guys in Congress that have been paid off for favors to certain enterprises which they faithfully deliver, even when it is not in the best interests of the country.

In fact, they do so all the time.

We can simply do the same thing here.

I'll bring some money in a bag.

Hang in there until my bus arrives at the border.

Just don't let anyone at MLB see my picture.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

MLB killed the video star

The suits have finally discovered this site and, because there isn't a coin slot for them, there can be no more winwarbles, no more Sterling mash-ups, no more sounds. They have effectively killed every YouTube video we ever produced. Everything.

Oh well. Always knew this day would come.

Have to figure out something else to rile the waters and have fun. Any ideas?

Yankees bring back Chad Gaudin to bolster bullpen, sense of hopeless desperation

Excuse me, but does this merry-go-round stop at Grand Central Station?

Picture of the Day

That's Hideki Irabu, mugging for the Gardenia, California, police station booking photo honk. 

The cops busted Typhoon Irabu for DUI, after he was ALLEGEDLY swerving in traffic and nearly hit a parked car.

Makes sense. He could nearly hit the strike zone. So he can probably nearly hit a parked car.

Reminds us of the night we drove to Binghamton to see the then-Strasburgesque phenom face the Bingotown Mets. Irabu had streaked through the Yankee system, overwhelming opponents. And the first Met struck out -- after missing a foul home run by inches. Next guy hit a ball off the centerfield wall so hard that he was held to a single. 

Hideki didn't make it out of the second inning, and the rest is history.

Yankee Offense Continues To Put Up Big Numbers

Last night, we put up zilch in 6 against the Twins in the rain. AJ pitched a great game, so we didn't officially lose this one yet.

Tex and A-Rod ( and now Robbie, too ) continue to embarrass major league baseball, as their perfect record of driving in runs with men in scoring position continues.

We need to pay these guys more. Perhaps some "in-season" contract extensions are warranted.

Personally, I can't wait until Ken Phellps is ready to go again. I hear he is looking great in the minors, though not so great at the plate.

Because of the rain delay, I had time to compare the calories in a single stalk of celery to Ken's
re-hab batting average. Unfortunately for the Yankees, the celery wins hands down. And Ken isn't even facing lefties in the minors.

But he will no doubt justify the trade for Austin Jackson, perhaps in the area of community service.

Meanwhile, the set back recently suffered by Ace Aceves means the season is finished. He will soon join Nick Johnson and find himself among the "disappeared " Yankees for 2010.

We'll always have last year.

Yankees' jellylike collapse tied to Bono's back jelly?

Was U2 frontman Bono secretly cobbling together Yankee victories, while his overmatched spinal disks were turning into Pringle's Newfangleds?

Our current malaise not only comes on the heels of the famed Irish pen's back pains, but it eerily coincides with the herniated disk reported by Alfredo Aceves, critical lugnut to the Yank "pen."

Are they astral twins?

John last night, assessing the inability of our 3-4-5 batters to drive in runs:

"NOT... GOOD."

Sarah Palin's rhymes for little teapots

In Slate... go there.

"Governor Jan Brewer Had It To Do, Too"

To help protect the citizens
Of her state she had to do
What the federal government
Has refused to do!

And that is help secure the borders;
I think it's shameful, too,
That the Obama administration
Has allowed, too, this, too!

—Hannity, Fox News, April 27, 2010

John last night, reporting the eventual final score:

"At the end of five, nut'n, nut'n... honey."

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Just One Piece of Advice..........

If the Yankees are losing by 3-0 after the first inning, turn off the TV and do something else.

I recommend a stiff drink.

Yankees to 2010: DROP DEAD

The truth-fearing, anti-fan Yankee Luddites have banned access to IT IS HIGH during games. 

The Bronx No-Bloggers have announced they will allow no iPads into the stadium. This follows their previous stance against laptops. 

This declaration of war on the Internet is, in itself, a thinly veiled attempt to break the backs of fans who seek the unadulterated truth supplied by websites such as this, from voices such as Alphonso, who still must hide in shadowy bars and restroom stalls out of fear for reprisals from Andy Philips and Wilson Betemit.   

Want to come to a Yankee game? Bring your abacus. Bring your quill pen and sidewalk chalk. But leave the new millenium behind. The Yankees don't want your screen to obscure the JumboTron.

They don't want you to know the IT IS HIGH truth, which is the finest truth of all: true truth.

Get Ready For More Ugly

Many of you may recall ( or choose not to ) that I forecast, at best, a .500 week to ten days, following the last debacle with the Twins.

This Yankee pod did not come close, limping out of Citifield with their heads hung low and playing like a group of broken down softball players in a bar league. If we hadn't come back against Boston, after blowing a huge lead, our winning percentage for the last 10 days would have been about .100.

Even phenom Brett Gardner began to show some flaws, as he hit basically nothing in the 2 hole against most everyone. I won't mention Tex's contribution to the offense. Nor A-Rod.

I think the team is counting too much already on the unlikely return of Ken Phellps.

Randy Winn just can't play in the outfield, and he is much better than his injured replacement, Marcus Thames. If Jesus figures out a way to hit at the AAA level, maybe we can find another spot for a guy who can't play defense.

For 3-4 hours tonight, we have to worry about Twins.

Pat Venditte still throwing from both arms, still Mr. Tampa

Yesterday's off-day/drinking day, scheduled to amplify our desperation, calls for updating the Yankee Seed Incubation Center, aka farm system. Not since that dude woke up in 28 Days Later to find the world dead and zombified has such an eye-opening visitation provoked stomach-clench terror. Jesus is being betrayed by his bat. Nobody is becoming a somebody. So we must eye the Yankee God of Dexterity, Pat Venditte, the famous switch pitcher, who may never see the candle light of Scranton's mines.

Yesterday, the AC-DC threw two innings in single A Tampa. No runs. No hits. One walk. One strikeout. His ERA is 2.31. This is his second season in Tampa. Last year, his ERA at Tampa was 2.21. Most prospects -- especially those from a dead and zombified system -- would get promoted. Not Venditte. He'll turn 25 next month. He's on track to reach NYC in 2027, moments ahead of the asteroid.

OK, truth: I have no clue whether Venditte can ever pitch in MLB. I am no scout. I must trust Yankee scouts. Apparently, they do not see Venditte as a super prospect. Otherwise, they would promote him. They must see a flaw. They must see something. I just see an ERA of 2.31.

But here's the fear: In their evaluations, are they comparing Venditte, the lefty, with all other lefties? -- and Venditte, the righty, with all the other righties? If so, he's toast. He must look hopeless. But... is that a fair appraisal? Nobody else on the planet throws professionally with both hands. You can't measure this guy with a radar gun. Way I seez it: There can be only one criteria for a guy like Pat Venditte: Results.

What more can he do in Tampa? Will he be cleaning the oil slick with both hands?

Monday, May 24, 2010

Brien Taylor pitches again in Syracuse

Five innings. Two runs. No mascot injured by foul ball. Girl plays National Anthem on clarinet. Two-inning long beer lines. Radar hit 98 mph! Bad between-innings music. Amazingly rare sight: entire wall of urinals in use! Let's hope he doesn't get in a bar fight.

Other Live Streaming Video Feeds We Need

We already have the oil spill.

Inside of Brett Michaels' heart.

Lindsay Lohan Forehead Cam.

Nick Johnson Wrist Healing Process Cam.

Critics question Yank pitchers' involvement with BP

Washington _ In the wake of an ongoing disaster, the White House is asking why the New York Yankees have allowed their pitching staff to become BP.

"It's very distressing, their involvement with BP," Interior Secretary Ken Salazar said, adding that Yankee fans should not tolerate long-term ties. "We can't let BP continue the entire season."

Salazar did not say what remedy the government would offer, although Sen. Jim Bunning is said to be "stretching his pitch count" into the mid-twenties.

Yankee's 2010 Season Revealed

Can you see Ken Phellps' head as he takes first tentative steps of re-hab?

Can you imagine this Yankee line-up with yet another guy hitting in the low .200's? And hitting .043 against lefties?

I can see Nick Johnson snoozing between dead end number 14 and the really high "T shaped" hedge in the upper left corner.

Tex and A-Rod are no where to be found, though A-Rod is putting oil on some movie starlet somewhere, I'm certain.

Mo is looking down from the bridge, wondering when he'll get his next save. Wondering, perhaps, if his drop in velocity is permanent.

Joba is trying to find his way to that bar in Nebraska. Derek is trying to find another step to his left.

Jorge is on crutches over near the exit from the maze.

All the guys from Scranton are hiding, hoping to still be in the maze when visitor's day ends.

Cashman is on the far bridge looking at this tangled web he has woven.

Doesn't last season seem like a decade ago?

Next year, we'll have to buy about 15 free agents to even stay in third place.

I hope we aren't there yet, but don't we all know that when Jorge, Mo, Derek and Andy are done, so are we? For at least a decade.

Because: the Yankees have no prospects in the minor leagues. None. Nada. Zero.

It's only May -- that is -- unless it's December for Mo

A week ago, we prepared to free Boston from the 2010 pennant race, turn Tampa into the Sarasota that it really is, and remind the Mets who runs NYC -- all without Curtis Granderson, Nick Johnson and Mark Teixiera.

Then Mariano coughed.

Ever since, kaboom.

Conventional Wisdom says don't panic, it's May, we're in the hunt, we'll turn this around... etc.

Fuk that shit. Panic. Until Mariano is lights out again -- and the 900-pound Magilla in the room is Mariano's age -- we will flap and flounder.

Practically every slump in recent years has followed a Mariano failure. (Hell, 2002-2008 was a reaction to his blowing the 2001 Series.) Considering his 9th against the Mets Friday, no lead is safe. Nothing.

We might as well leave those runners in scoring position. The loss won't hurt so badly.

Soon, Granderson will return, Teixiera will hit, and Jeter will stop swinging at balls in the dirt. Won't matter. Until Mariano is lights out, we are screwed.

And if he does not return -- one day, the ship will sail and never come back to port -- well, this will be the year we channel Toronto.

So... panic. It doesn't matter. It's May -- that is, unless it's December.

Party pooper

The ball game's over

It's time to call it a day...

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Let's play "Replace the words"

Instead of TV critic, let's replace the words "Locke" and "Lost" with ... Joba!

"It never ceases to amaze me how people will tell you what is going to happen, who'll make it home and who won't.Who could have said Joba would turn into whatever he turned into? I'm telling you, you can't predict Joba. You can try. But you can't predict Joba. Anybody who tells you they can predict Joba? They're kidding themselves. You can't predict Joba. You just can't."

John Sterling: TV Critic

Lost: "It never ceases to amaze me how people will tell you what is going to happen, who'll make it home and who won't.Who could have said Locke would turn into whatever he turned into? I'm telling you, you can't predict 'Lost.' You can try. But you can't predict 'Lost.' Anybody who tells you they can predict 'Lost?' They're kidding themselves. You can't predict 'Lost.' You just can't."

You're off the mark, Teixiera

Three whiffs, each a backbreaker. All we can do is play through. Juan Miranda is not an option. Jesus Montero is not an option. Whatever we have down in the mines, it's not an option.

Death is an option. But it's only May. Death in May is much too early.

What we need is a home and away series with Kansas City, sandwiching a tour of the National League Central. Hello, schedulemakers? Book a flight to KC!







Saturday, May 22, 2010

This Yankee Team Is going Nowhere

A few obvious remarks:

1. Hughes is not winning many more games this year. He has had his run of quality outings. Now, he just sucks like everyone else.

2. Brett Gardner, over-achiever that he has been, is not going to get the clutch hit that brings the Yankees back from the brink. That chopper to third just won't cut it when we need two runs or three driven in.

3. A-Rod is back in one of those non-productive funks because he is always worried he might call Kate, Cameron, or vice versa. He is becoming non clutch again.

4. The Yankee "B" team has ( mostly) never won and it won't win.

5. Winn is a joke in the outfield. So why is he playing? Hard to believe, but Thames is worse. Luckily, he is injured.

6. Tomorrow, we learn that Santana is better than Sabathia. Duh.

7. Has this team ever come back from behind to win?

This is a really ugly team with little character and no heart.

Jesus Will Have To Learn A New Position

Finally, some of the people who count are acknowledging that Cervelli may actually be a prospect.

Therefore, the issue of Jesus arises. For centuries now ( or so it seems ), Jesus has been regarded as the top prospect in the Yankee system.

He has always been described as a " can't miss " hitter, although the compliments run a lot less enthusiastic when it comes to his abilities as a catcher ( the position he has trained his entire life to play).

With Cervelli establishing himself as a fixture with this Yankee team, and his youth ( 24 ) well more of an asset than the other 2000 year old catcher prospect, the question arises;

" What can the Yankees do with Jesus?"

Can anyone really see him playing another position for the Yankees?

First base, for example? I think Tex will be here about 20 years, based upon his contract.

Perhaps Jesus could replace Ken Phellps in center, and become the league's first 6'8" 245 pound center fielder. Derek is getting older, how about grooming him for SS?

The truth is, unless we are grooming him as a DH ( currently hitting about .230 in Scranton) or we learn that he can pitch, it is time to deal him. Soon enough, everyone will figure out that this " top yankee prospect" isn't such a hot prospect after all, and we won't get a bag of sheep dung for him.

Let me say this again; " The cold, hard truth is that the Yankees don't have any top prospects anymore. "

Not until the June draft ( I think Andy brown may be back trying to graduate from high school, so he might be eligible for us to draft him again ).

What horror will we commit this time around ?

A rook went back to NY City...

Because Winns' play was pure chicanery...

Is Kevin Russo the new Mariano?

Allright you bastards, it's time for some old-fashioned, smart-ass, scientific blogging.

Is Kevin Russo the new Mariano?

Hoomph?, you ask Has el duque lost his Reeses Pieces, sitting at home and watching video of that underwater spill? No.


Kevin Russo finished 10th in the IL last year in hitting. He was one of the three guys in the top 10 under age 25. He stole 13 bases. He hit .326. And he had no position. He played everywhere. If Tim McCarver were writing this blog, he'd say Kevin did everything but sell tickets. Mwah-mwah-mwah. (Insert gunshot here.)

If Russo was in the Kansas City Royal Jellies, he'd have played half the season in the majors, probably starting in the infield. Hell, he'd be on their match covers. Do they have team match covers?

Ramiro Pena can field. Russo can hit.

OK -- in this 3D era (DH, that is: Thames, Jorge, Swish, the former Nick Johnson), these two guys are our bench.

And here is the evolution of our universal adaptors... Jerry Hairston replaced Wilson Betemit, who replaced Miguel Cairo, who replaced Enrique Sojo, who replaced Clay Bellinger, who replaced the ultiliy infielder who began this long Yankee run: Mariano Duncan.

Before Mariano Duncan, we were an entire team of utility players. (See Velardi, Randy.)

So the question is... can we win with 3 DHs and two all-purpose socket wrenches? And do we have a replacement for Mariano?

Friday, May 21, 2010

Right About This Time Last Year...

Thanks for the reminder, Joe DePastry.

Knobby 26th All-Time, Heading For 27th

From the great Plunk Everyone, successor blog to the late Plunk Biggio:
David Eckstein got hit by another pitch last night, bringing his career total to 139. That moves him into a tie for 26th place on the all time list with Chuck Knoblauch, but Eckstein has reached that total in 2 fewer seasons than Knoblauch. Dodgers rookie Carlos Monasterios delivered number 139, and he’s the first pitcher who’s more than 11 years younger than Eckstein to plunk him. Prior to this month, Eckstein hadn’t been hit by anyone more than 9 years younger than him, but his last 3 plunks have come from pitchers at least 9 years his junior.

The Good News

Andy Pettite said he "felt pretty decent" last night!

John Sterling created a home run call for Juan Miranda ("JUAN GONE!")!

Curts Granderson updated his blog!

Boxing is returning to Yankee Stadium!

This New York YankeesTM 2009 World Series® Championship Carousel can be yours for five easy payments of $39.99!

Yankee Bus Hanging By A Thread

As the Yankees wake-up today, they are another day older.

The injuries have become permanent.

The Mets will finally rise to humiliate us and regain their lost senses of self.

The Yankees will become the turning point of their season. They can gloat about sweeping the World Champs.

Only Javy can save us. And he has to pitch 9 innings of shut-out ball to give us a shot.

Ten Fears that Haunt the Marrow of Our Souls

1. One of these days, Brett Gardner will return to earth. He's good, solid -- but he's not a .330 hitter.

2. It's rare for Mariano blow two catastrophic saves in a row. And Joba has become predictably erratic.

3. Mark Teixiera seems genuinely spooked by defensive overshifts. Also, when a all-fields slugger suddenly becomes a dead-pull hitter, something's wrong. Last night, he just kept trying to drill the ball through the right side, and it's never going to work.

4. Every month, a new story flares between Arod and that Canadian doctor being probed for body-boosters. It's insane to think that, after his 2009 public confession, Arod would have dared use enhancers again. Is he channeling Tiger Woods?

5. Jorge out a month. Can Cervelli handle an everyday grind? He won't hit .400. What if he gets nicked? For two years now, we've been constantly told how our farm system is loaded at catcher. Chad Moeller? And then who?

6. Jeter looks old. He's not hitting. He'll break out, of course, but this could be an off-year. Let's face it: At his age, are they called "off-years?"

7. In his spring fling, Granderson showed little ability to hit lefties. Cashman's Nick Johnson acquisition is now a certifiable Cat-5 fiasco. We still don't know what we have in Granderson. But the lefty thing is distressing.

8. Tampa is real. Tampa is a team of hungry, seasoned, cocky players in their primes. They could win the division by 10 games. We may be battling for the Wild Card, while having to face Tampa, Boston and Toronto 16 times each. That, folks, is how Seattle makes the post-season.

9. Aside from Austin Romine, who won't contribute this year, none of our high ceiling prospects is breaking out. Jesus hasn't had a prayer at Scranton. Andrew Brackman looks a total bust. Slade Heathcott didn't make it to Charleston. Bradley Suttle is on track to reach the majors by age 29.  

10. Big names will go on the block a month from now. Cashman will feel pressure to snag somebody. How much more can our depleted system lose?

Scientific Pie-Chart Analysis of Reasons to Remain Hopeful

Thursday, May 20, 2010

We are being crushed by Randy Choate's team

This is painful.

Scientists claim to have invented artificial life

They're calling it "Cynthia."

Nick Johnson Moved to 2000 Day DL

It just came across the TV scroll at Donnelly's bar: Nick Johnson has been moved from the 15 day DL to the 60 day DL.

I told you he was done before they even decided that surgery was in the cards for his wrist.

This wrist, by the way, is the same one that cost him about two seasons a short while back. So let's call it chronic.

So I say, put him on the 2000 day DL.

That way, he can show up again for the spring training session when Ken Phellps is ready.

Meanwhile, we can fill the roster with another Chad Moeller.

I hope I don't step on my own bat tonight.

I Don't Know Whether To Laugh Or Cry

The injuries are mounting. Old guys, young guys, everyone.

It's like the Mets last year. Only they are a much younger team.

Can we fall that far?

Clearly, the troops we are calling up from the coal mines are not very talented.

If they can field, they can't hit. If they can hit, they can't field or run. If they can pitch, they can't find the strike zone. If they can throw strikes, they throw meatballs.

I mean, is anyone coming up to the Bronx named Austin Jackson?

Chad Moeller? I thought he was a librarian ( near his retirement package ) in Lincoln, Nebraska. Seriously, I thought he had been out of baseball for close to a decade.

How deep is this valley of emptiness?

Must we now be the first voice to question whether Mo is actually losing a step? Is this the end of the Yankees as we know them?

Joba looks as though he left his mojo on that highway in Nebraska when he was pulled over for DUI.

Do we need nine innings from our starters? What reliever does anyone feel good about coming into the game for the Yankees today?

We have rid ourselves of all talent (with heartbeats) in the Yankee minor league system trading for Nick Johnson (out forever), Ken Phellps and Javy.

So,despite Cashman's commitment to developing and keeping our own talent, the simple truth is: The Yankees Have No Prospects!!

I know we are all going to say," this, too, shall pass." But it may be an ill wind blowing. We have a "B" team playing, and they cannot win.

Tampa looks like they outclass us pretty much everywhere.

What's next?

Forbes: Yank logo is the Tiffany's, the Alpo, the Acapulco Gold, of world sports swag

We are the Cadillac, the Anchor Steam Beer, the Pamela Anderson model breast implants, of modern pro athletic franchises. Our interlocking "NY" sets the standard for all overpriced logoed crapola, says Forbes, via the official Yankee government news agency, Yes:

The Yankees swapped spots with Manchester United, which fell to second on the list, just ahead of Real Madrid. In fact, five of the top seven franchises on Forbes' list were European soccer teams. The only other baseball teams to crack the top 10 were the Yankees' chief rivals: The Red Sox placed eighth, followed immediately by the Mets.

Hoist the flag high, Yankiverse. Our rightfielder may be Ramiro Pena. But that logo on his forehead is Orville Redenbacher.

Return of the Moell Man? 10 Fun Facts about Chad Moeller to celebrate his impending return!

1. Chad is cousin with former MLB firstbaseman Chris Cron!

2. Chad was originally drafted by the Yankees, but he didn't sign!

3. Along with the Yankees, Chad has played for the Twins, Diamondbacks, Orioles, Brewers, Nationals, Dodgers and Reds!

4. In 2004, Chad became the first Milwaukee Brewer EVER to hit for the cycle at home!

5. In August of 2007, the Reds traded Chad to the Dodgers for "cash considerations!"

6. In 2008, the Yankees obtained Chad, released him, re-obtained him, dropped him, and then brought him back again!

7. Chad's last name is a homimym!

8. Chad's hominidal namesake -- the molar -- is considered the most complicated tooth in mammals. Adult mammals have 12 molars in groups of three in the back of the mouth. They are used for grinding food!

9. Human molars are known as the "maxillary first molars," "maxillary second molars," and "maxillary third molars." Considering that his is Chad's second year with the Yankees, he could be nicknamed "the maxillary second Moeller!"

10. Archbishop Moeller High School in Cinncinati has one of the nation's strongest athletic programs! Thus, John Sterling's signature home run call for Chad could be: "The Archbishop sure touched that ball!"


May is the cruelest month

From our 2008 flashback.... Because those who cannot remember history... are Met fans.


We have no speed; our pitchers stink.
Opposing lineups run amok.
How far can Damon’s numbers shrink?
It's only May, but hey...
... We suck.

A-Rod is hurt; Posada’s worse.
Phil Hughes is gone, the outlook bleak.
Our clubhouse needs a fulltime nurse.
It's only May, but hey...
... We reek.

Where’s Tino? Bernie? Old Mike Stanton?
And David Cone, we couldn’t fail.
Right now, Igawa’s stuck in Scranton,
And Jimmy Leyritz...
... Facing jail.

Our best defender is Cabrera.
Abreu’s lame; Giambi’s slow.
Molina? He’s no Yogi Berra.
I know it’s May, but hey...
... We blow.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Marcus Thames' three-day journey

God. Goat. Goobye.

Yankees In Talks To Bolster Pen, Sign London 2012 Olympics Mascots

Wenlock and Mandeville will be introduced tomorrow.

Shelley Duncan gets the call!

Damn. We miss that guy on Twitter.

The Ballad of Jed Clamp-it

Come and listen to my story
'Bout the ol’ BP
A poor company,
Drillin’ profits in the sea.
And then one day
Left a safety cap unscrewed,
And up from the floor came a-bubblin' crude.

Oil, that is,
Black gold,
Texas tea.

Well the first thing you know
The Gulf’s a full a’ murk,
Spin folk say, “That gizmo didn’t work!
Said, “Haliburton is the guy you outta see.”
So they loaded up with bucks
And they moved to DC.

Congress, that is,
Swimming pools,
Movie stars.

Well now it's time to say
Goodbye to them and all their spin,
Which they would like to thank
You folks for kindly swallowin’.
You're all invited back soon to vacation by the sea
And smell a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality.

Oil-billie, that is,
Bend over,
Take your shoes off.

Y’all come back now, y’hear!

Beckett must go on the DL

He's hurt! That's what Team Terry claimed last night! Injury! Tweak! Pain! Where was Joe West! Where was Joe Buck! Where was Joe Lieberman! Oh, I'm hurt! Take me out! I just pulled something! My medulla oblongatta! Bring in a replacement! Rules? Don't tell me about rules! Can't you see the pain in my eyes? Get me a stretcher! Where's the ambulance! Where's the Commissioner! Where's the justice! THEY PULLED THE TARP OFF THE BULLPEN MOUND TWO PITCHES BEFORE HE CAME OUT! HOW PHONY CAN YOU BE! THEY HAD TO BE LAUGHING IN THE DUGOUT! HOW GULLIBLE CAN AN UMPIRING CREW BE? DO THE RULES MEAN NOTHING? NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE! NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE! MOCKERY OF THE GAME! HAVE THEY NO SHAME? THIS MUST NOT PASS! NAY UNTO ALL YEE WHO WOULD SUBMIT TO THIS INJUSTICE, FOR I SAY THERE SHALL BE A BETTER WAY UNTO THE TRUTH OF BASEBALL, AND WE SHALL NEVER SUBMIT TO DECEIT AS A FORM OF SPORTSMANSHIP, AND WE SHALL NEVER SUBMIT TO THIS MOCKERY OF THE GAME! DO YOU HEAR ME, WORLD? MOCKERY OF THE GAME!

This aint over. That's all I'm sayin.

This. Aint. Over.

A .500 Team

We are going to need our starters to go longer and give up fewer runs.

We are going to need Ivan back, and he will have to prove a miracle.

Joba and Dave Robertson better find the strike zone fast.

Losing Ace Aceves was the worst loss so far for this team. He could throw strikes and get people out.

No one else is able to do that.

I told you Boone would prove a waste and I don't know if he even pitched last night.

If we can split all the games between now and the end of the weekend, we can play .500 ball from the Twin and Tiger series' through the end of the Mets' series.

I don't think we can.

Mayday. Giant spill reaches Yankee Stadium

Screw Keanu. We need Michael Rennie. It's time to speak the words:

"Klaatu barada nikto!"

"Fire in the hole!"
"Houston, we have a problem!"
"Call up Bobby Meachem!"
"This call to the bullpen is sponsored by Transatlantic and BP. Let's destroy something... togethahhhhh!"

Two old, wretched teams, both gushing fluid from gaping holes in their buttocks. In the end, we won the meltdown contest. Sure, we can blame the injuries, or we can blame the wind, or we can blame the absurdly incompetent fielding of Marcus Thames -- (how does a fringe player let his fielding deteriorate so badly;  every pop fly is a story by Neil Gaiman!) -- but we have been put on alert:

No lead is safe.

"Klaatu barada nikto!"

Our bullpen cannot hold back the oil. The Hot Club Time Machine's been set to 2006, and we're reliving Tanyon and Proctor. This is our dirty little secret: Mariano is human. Jeet is old. Jorge is brittle. Andy is - well - God won't save him forever. "Klaatu barada nikto!"

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Suzyn and the Pie

This may explain why Suzyn doesn't do play-by-play.

Lee Harvey Oswald. John Wilkes Booth. Alexander Emmanuel Rodriguez: John goes to A-Rod's full name

No call more excites The Master like an A-Bomb. But last night, a wrinkle: The Presidential Assassin Full Name Idenfitication treatment.

Cause for alarm: John's Walkoff Warble was only 6.76 seconds

Once again, questions about Sterling will be swirling.

He is short-arming his Thuhs, which has led to speculation that he is calling hurt. 

He is long elongating his Thuhs, and he's going to be in trouble later in the year.

Listen to this, and you'll hear him gasp to put out a solid Thuh -- but he runs out of gas.

This is a dramatic, come-from-behind, walkoff home run at home against Papelbon and the Redsocks -- yet John falls shy of 7:00. He hit 8.02 seconds, his all-time longest warble, on a 15-inning Redsock walkoff. Should we be worried?

Better late than never: Javy Vazquez finally comes in to get the K

Last night, Javy walked in, struck out Youkilis, and we won the game.

OK, everybody, Alternative Universe time:

It's Oct. 20, 2004, game seven, top of the second. Kevin Brown -- the Yankee Clown -- gave up 2 in the first, and he's loaded the bases with one out. Here comes Javy -- pitching to You-Know-Who: Johnny Damon (nowadays replaced by "Marcus Thames;" now there's an interesting switch from last night, eh?)

Instead of giving up the Damon grand slam, Vazquez offers last night's strike out. (OK, in a cosmic trade situation, that means last night he gave up a 3-run homer to Youk.)

At this point, everything progresses, just as it did...

Mark Bellhorn, walks, forcing in a run. Manny pops out. Score 3-0.

In the fourth, Vazquez gives up a 2-run HR, then is yanked. We're down 5-1.

Final score: 7-3. We lose.

Conclusion: Javy... you're not off the hook yet.

Monday, May 17, 2010

John's call: "Marcus Thames helps the Yankees win..."

Crap Bullpen

Black Dress.

Black dog.

Crap bullpen.