The State of the Yankees Address

My fellow Yankee fans...

I come before you tonight... AS A PROUD FOLLOWER OF THE 2009 WORLD CHAMPION NEW YORK YANKEES! (Loud applause, chants of "N.Y.Y... N.Y.Y...")

Nevertheless, the state of the Yankees this day is one of sadness and loss. Our lineup this year will be markedly different than the team that brought us so much joy.

Just as Americans have tightened their belts and stopped reading printed material, so have we cut costs. This pains the Yankiverse. I too feel your weariness, your uncertainty.

We face not just empty No. 2 and No. 5 spots in our lineup, but empty No. 2 and No. 5 spots in our hearts. (Modest applause, camera close-up on First Lady Minka Kelly in gallery.)

Meanwhile, our enemy has grown stronger, showing no sign of the fiscal restraint faced by our ruling family. They now have six starting pitchers, a vastly improved defense and the second-ranked farm system in baseball, according to a recent analysis. Make no mistake: This is going to be one tough jizzbag of a year.

We have the game's best hitting prospect in Jesus Montero, but no place to put him.

We have two of the game's finest young pitchers in Phil Hughes and Joba Chamberlain, but no defined role for either.

We have three of the game's future Hall of Famers -- in Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera -- but no guarantee of their health.

In essence, we have exchanged Johnny Damon and Hideki Matsui for Curtis Granderson and Nick Johnson, (scattered booing)... and if the move fails... the steel-toed boot of history will land squarely in our nuts.

We have just given up Melky Cabrera so Javier Vazquez can again wear a Yankee uniform (loud booing), and if he still cannot pitch in New York, the steel-toed boot of history will land squarely in our nuts.

We had vowed to get younger, yet we have traded prospects and now face the position of expecting another solid year from Andy Pettitte -- something we weren't doing at this time last winter -- and hoping for 35-year-old Randy Winn to play left field... and if this does not work, the leaden steel-toed shit-kicker of history will crush our gonads into grape nuts! (Silence.)

My friends... this is no time to head for the hills.

My friends... we are not in this for a Wild Card.

My friends... we have made a huge transition... for better or worse.

This is the year we transition into a dynasty... or a depression.

We are no longer the 2009 World Champion New York Yankees.

We are the New York Yankee team of 2010. God bless the Yankees, and God bless us all.