Pinch-Hitting Blogger: Evil Gary Coleman

(Continuing our month-long charity drive to introduce millions of readers to obscure Yankee bloggers, we bring you a fave who's been writing on the edge for some time: Evil Gary Coleman. Evil Gary filed this last night from jail, where he faces domestic abuse charges. His Blackberry ran out of batteries, so he scribbled on the wall in cafeteria spaghetti sauce. But he's still got his mojo.)

Theo Epstein, I will kneecap you. You hear me muffukk? Ping. That's what it'll sound like. Ping. Next thing, you'll be short, too. I'll hide in the laundry hamper. I can go anywhere. I can get Papelbon. I can get Papi. If I jump, I can hit Mike Lowell's hip. I'm not afraid. You're gonna be short. FUCK THE PIGS! That's all I'm saying.