WORLD EXCLUSIVE: Secret smuggled transcript of today's Yankee Organizational Meeting

(Muffled words; barking of dog, growling, coughing...)

VOICE 1: OK... Thanks for coming. Cash? Stick? Joe? Randy? Minka? Let's talk about Joba. Sterling, you first.

VOICE 2: Thank you, Hal. Hello, everybody. Well, if Joba’s a starter, it's impossible to say how he'll do. The fact is, you cannot predict the game of baseball. If anybody says they can, well, then I say, we oughta be able to make a million dollars!

VOICE 1: We're worth $800 million.

VOICE 2: But, well, what do I know? If pitching were easy, anybody could do it. Right, Joe? Joe? Joe?

JOE (apparently talking in sleep): Must... bring... in... Mariano. Pitch... Mo... two... innings...

VOICE 1: What? Somebody at the door? I thought... YOU!

VOICE OF REASON: Yes, I'm here.

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VOICE 1: They weren't supposed to let you in.

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REASON: I laid it all out, and they changed their minds. I've come with a message, the most important message any of your will ever hear. We must sign John Lackey. If we sign John Lackey, we will win the 2010 World Series! Do you hear me? Sign John Lackey... win in 2010!

VOICE 1: But if we sign Lackey, people will say we bought the championship!

REASON: They're already saying that.

VOICE 1: But we could ignore Lackey, trade young players for Halladay and spend the rest of our money on lousy players. That way, we'll come in second! They can't claim we bought the pennant!

REASON: Sign Lackey. We’ll win the World Series!

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VOICE 1: Dammit, he's right. Wait. Voice of Reason, what's in your hand? A tape recorder! Have you been recording this?

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REASON: What? Me? No.

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VOICE I: Yah, you have. Look, it's on. It's recording! Turn it -[END OF TAPE]