Cost of Darvish to Rangers: 4.1 Seligs

The Bush Rangers -- the Conservative, fiscally-adult franchise that gave humanity the original Arod supercontract -- has signed Japanese sensation Yu "Don't Call Me Kei" Darvish to a six-year contract for $60 million. Per season, the Japanese sensation will earn 0.4 Seligs -- according to the universal scale of compensation, based on the salary of Supercommissioner Bud Selig ($25 million.)

The true cost of stabling the Japanese sensation is $110 million - more than 4 crisp Seligs. To meet Darvish, the Rangers had to pay ransom to his Japanese captors: a cool $51 million - or 2 Seligammas.

As you know, I wanted us to outbid Texas for the negotiating rights, then never even call him. That would force the Japanese sensation to return next year, without bidding rights. It would have cost us nothing, but it would have totally ruined the Rangers' Christmas. They'd whine and call us names, but, hey, that's Chinatown, Jake.

I try not to root against players, (aside from physically obese Redsocks). I have no quarrel with Yu. In the past, overpaid Rangers were destined to become Yankees, anyway, so why be negative? Still, it would be nice if Darvish fumbles, while the pitcher Texas tossed overboard - CJ Wilson - does well. It would be a classic George Steinbrenner 1980s move: Lust for other teams' players, while undervaluing your own. If Yu isn't worth all those Seligs, Texas is going to play like Rick Perry debates.