Yankees will turn over 3B to Uncle Todd

Didn't see this one coming.

In the 1980s, it became a fashionable hypocrisy for movie stars to don fake glasses in public, believing they looked smarter. (Maybe in a few cases, they thought it actually made them smarter.) Brooke "Pretty Baby" Shields did it. Judd "The Breakfast Club" Nelson wore them. Every supermodel or St. Elmo's Fire alumnus owned a pair, like Rubic's Cubes and Wonderbras. It was sort of like Superman, wearing glasses as Clark Kent, and nobody recognizes him. The gods always seek to "pass" among us.

Hence, the above photo, snapped recently at a Lakers game. Sitting between life-faded cougar Stephanie Seymore and somebody's rich and ambitious daughter, Arod resembles Todd DeLuca, the old Bill Murray character in the SNL sketchbook, on the verge of giving Lisa Loopner (Gilda Radner) a noogie. He also looks a bit confused and overwhelmed, like a dad in a sitcom. The two ladies, obviously taking their cue from Arod's intelligence-inducing disguise, must be talking about the Hadron Large Collider's search for dark matter, as outlined on the recent episode of "Nova." Hearing the word, Arod probably said, "Ivan Nova!" Now, they have tuned him out, ignoring the old geezer who cannot see.

The year is a week-old, and Arod has already traveled to Germany for hip treatment and ventured out in public wearing doofus rims. Eric Chavez, come on back.