Mr. Girardi, Mr. Cashman, President Levine, players, coaches, Steinbrenners, spouses, actresses, ex-lady wrestlers, fake Twitter accounts, media tools, juju enthusiasts, fellow faceless and nearly non-existent fans…
And especially, seated down in front, Mr. Tom Coughlin and his New York football Giants! (wild applause)
Today, we of the New York sports base are on the verge of the greatest Boston humiliation in history. (applause)
I am talking about the most painful, diamond-tipped noogie to their billiards academy since the grand emergence of one Mister Bucky F. Dent. (Applause, chants of U-S-A, U-S-A.)
If our Brothers in Blue (applause) can rake the Patriots in the Super Bowl, less than six months after the great Redsock collapse of 2011 (applause)-- it will be the kind of confluence of events that restores belief in God, or at least UFOs. Tom Brady and Jacoby Ellsbury can go down forever as losers! remembered in the same breath as Mr. William F. Buckner.
But beware... Do not trust them. Never... (booing)
As I speak, they are scheming against us, brooding in their dark bunkers. This weekend, they traded Marco Scutero and thus, currently have no shortstop. (shout from crowd: "Let em die!")
But you don’t touch a rattlesnake lying in the middle of the road.
They have evil in mind. Rope-a-dope. A hidden bomb. Murder. We must be vigilant.
But we have the greatest homerun hitter in our generation. (applause)
We have the greatest closer in history. (big applause)
We have the greatest shortstop in history. (explosions, balloon drop, Katy Perry wardrobe malfunction, chants of USA)
And we have a chance for the greatest Boston humiliation – back to back, Giants and Yankees -– in history.
Dare we believe?
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
My State of the Franchise Address
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29 comments:
excellent. a welcome relief from canseco updates
I was the designated survivor during this speech, but President Duque's charisma can still be felt while reading the transcript. Now the Yankeeverse awaits the Bostonian response.
MR. GENERAL MANAGER! THE DUQUE OF THE EVIL EMPIRE!
I don't know what people have against Jose Canseco updates. HE WON A RING WITH THE YANKEES.
Also, go Giants.
Of what franchise was this the state?
Enough with the Giants: I dread two more weeks of Stupor Bowl hype.
Joe De Pastry, you mean you DON'T want the back page of the Daily News to feature Justin Tuck because he said he wanted to "beat the Pats"?!?!?!?!?!?
C'MON! THAT'S CALLED REAL REPORTING!
I'd be happy if the New York Hockey Rangers could get more than a half page article in any of the New York area newspapers on like a Tuesday or a Wednesday.
And I like the Jose Canseco updates. I've already offered him free advice: learn to bat switch. Then everyone will give him a tryout!
Flavius, nobody cares about hockey. Hockey is not a "sport," but rather a physical activity involving several white drunkards chasing after a puck on ice. Duque PREDICTED that the Giants would go all the way, and he deserves to be applauded for his prediction. He CALLED it.
Just like he called John Lackey winning the 2010 AL CY Young Award.
Best Japanese Yankee of all time?
A) Hideki Okajima
B) Hideki Irabu (before the suicide)
C) Hideki Irabu (after the suicide)
D) Hideki Matsui
E) Micahel Pineda
Note: I didn't add Kei Igawa because he is actually Thai. Little known fact.
I NEVER SAID JOHN LACKEY WOULD WIN THE CY YOUNG AWARD. I SIMPLY SAID IF WE SIGNED LACKEY, WE WOULD WIN THE 2010 WORLD SERIES. WE DIDN'T SIGN LACKEY. WE DIDN'T WIN THE WORLD SERIES. PROVE ME WRONG.
AS FOR MY PREDICTIONS ABOUT COUGHLIN, I WAS CALLING HIM OUT. I WAS SAYING, "WIN OR GET OUT." FORTUNATELY, HE MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE.
I DON'T USUALLY LIKE TO HAVE TO RESORT TO CAPITAL LETTERS. BUT WHEN MY DIGNITY IS IMPUGNED, I WILL NOT HESITATE.
Redeem yourself now, Duque. I want you to call it. Michael Pineda WILL win the 2012 American League Cy Young award AND 2012 World Series MVP.
DO IT!
I'm concerned.
The Super Bowl is still nearly two weeks away and Duque has already dropped the caps lock bomb.
Let's all make an extra effort to understand the stress he's under.
It's going to be a long two weeks.
I simply wanted to set the record straight on Lackey.
We didn't sign him. We didn't win the World Series. If we had signed him, I say we would have won it. Prove me wrong, everybody. Go ahead. Show me I was wrong.
You can't.
That's right, Duque. You're right. Ssshhh. Easy. You're right.
Coughlin, too. He needed to hear it.
I know, Duque. I know.
You're just saying that.
Nobody knows.
Sssh.
Sleep, Duque...
It'll all look better tomorrow...
Sleep...
This one's to Duque:
Hey...HEY! Who's my little champ? You are. You're right. We didn't sign Lackey, and then we didn't win the 2010 World Series. No one can argue with this Glenn-Beckian logic.
And hey...HEY...you CALLED the Giants. I quote: "The Giants are going ALL THE WAY, BECAUSE THIS ISN'T 2007-2008."-Duque
Pray, refrain from feeling the need to use caps. In addition, pray, pray for the children of Jorge Posada, who are left destitute.
Don't worry Duque, let me tell you a little story about my own tryst with a man named John Lackey.
The setting:
A bagel shop
December 2009
It was a crisp December afternoon, and I was dining with my dear friend Bennyboy at our favorite bagel place. He ordered a plain whole wheat bagel with butter. I of course got an everything bagel with cream cheese.
I was reading a fine newspaper (The Post) and discussing sports (and politics) with my best friend in the world - Bennyboy.
I read an article about Mr. Lackey, and suggested to Bennyboy that the Yankees get him.
"He's overrated and sucks. Everyone wants him, but trust me - he sucks." said Bennyboy in an angry tone.
I finished by bagel and proceeded to read about Phil "The Phenom" Hughes - an awesome Yankee prospect that we ended up trading for a middle aged DH. Just like when we traded Jesus Montero for a middle aged DH.
Fin.
See, Duque? I too was enamored with the legend known as John Lackey.
I guess murderers and child molesters get more respect than I do.
I think Jose Canseco just gave this blog a new slogan.
Dare we believe? I believe.
I believe in Michael Pineda.
I believe in John Lackey having a bounce back year.
I believe in the power of Eli, and his arm-cannon of democracy.
Just like when Duque believed in this mighty Giants.
http://johnsterling.blogspot.com/2012/01/can-ny-giants-defy-cynics-and-suddenly.html
A typo? CURSE YOU BLOGGER AND YOUR LACK OF POST-POST EDITING OF COMMENTS!
Eu acho que assassinos e molesters criança ter mais respeito do que eu.
Wait a minute. You're not from around here.
I was amazed at the fact that one of our posts had 28 comments.
Now I see that it's just SUPER trying to talk Duque down from wherever it is he's at.
Oh, and screw the Jersey Giants. I'm going to spend the next two weeks scouring the NFL rule book trying to find a way that both franchises can lose the game, because that's what I'm rooting for.
Sorry, Duque.
Can the Giants get Damon?
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