The stories go that Katy sprang from humble, spit-on-shoe-leather, Jesus-praising loins, while Lady smoked Turkish weed with the trans/gay/lesbi hordes from Hell, or Sojo. Men don't even know what they look like. Gaga wears masks, and guys are too busy staring at the Tickle-Me-Elmos six inches below Katy's chin. A Gaga birther movement once claimed she has a penis. Bottom line: they're both battier than a trailered roach.
When Katy married the godless, scrawny, English wormboy, Russell Brand, everybody knew she'd debone him like Madonna breaking Sean Penn's yokes. Last week, they broke up. Now, it's getting fun.
Katy's mom and pop have talked up the kind of Christian super-eugenics breeding project that nearly put Ricardo Montoban in control of the Starship Enterprise. They'll mate her with prayer stud Tim Tebow, destined to be the future Bruce Jenner of his generation. It would be easy to do. Just lock them in a barn with a blanket, slop bucket and a few Davey and Goliath videos. The Bible Belt will have its response to Jay-Z and Beyonce!
'Katy’s mom firmly believes the best cure for heartache is to quickly fall in love again… In her mind, Tebow is the perfect guy for her daughter," some anonymous source told the Daily Mail. 'He’s handsome, charming, intelligent and above all, a good Christian.'
So much for Arod climbing aboard the Katymobile. (He also recently lost his chance to take Drew Barrymore off the board; she's engaged.) Word is that Alex and his pro wrestler lady now double-date with George Clooney and his pro wrestler lady. WTF with pro wrestlers? Jeet's with Minka. Gaga just kissed Shorty Bloomberg. Katy is the only free agent out there. Can the Yankees even make her an offer?
Well, God has always shined His light on one person here. Not Tebow, though. Russell Brand. That guy skated. He pulled a Lou: He's the luckiest man on the face of the earth.
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