Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Plea from a Yankee fan overseas

This from Dutchfan... longtime commentator...

"This is totally off topic, but I have no place else to go:

When it come to JuJu there is only one place to go. So maybe this braintrust can help me out here.

My favorite Dutch soccer team is Feyenoord. This club has the best stadium, the best fans, the best city (Rotterdam) and the best hooligans. Hands down. We are great. 14 national titles. European champions. World champions. No club deserves titles more than we. We belong in first place. God given right.

Being the best means that everybody else is against you. Especially the dishonest media that drool over our archrivals (we refer to them by area code, which is 020 - Amsterdam, you go figure it out) and the national soccer association that appoints only 020 people to governing bodies and the national team.

We have the best logo.

Thanks to all the dishonest opposition and biased media our last national title was 18 years ago. All that time we have been humiliated, manipulated and ridiculed.
On top of that we have been subjected to the worst boards possible. Financial ruin, bad player development.

Then came 2016/2017 and from day 1 (a 5-0 victory somewhere in Groningen) we are in 1st place. Best team, best goal difference.

We also have the best shirts.

And last sunday we were going to finish it. We had a 4 point margin and played the number 15 in their tiny stadium, that happens to be only 3 miles from our grounds.

About 100.000 people were in the streets as of 10am. At game time (2.30pm) 50.000 more were in our own stadium watching the game on giant screens.
Authorities in the city expected at least 300.000 people to come to Monday's honoring at City Hall (Rotterdam has a 620.000 population).

We lost 3-0.
The 020 team won and trails us by 1 point.

We have one game left. This sunday, at home.

You have the experience, you are the thinktank and you can relate to our misery and all the dishonesty and treachery that we have endured over the past 18 years.

What to do? How do we become champions?

How to please the JuJu Gods now.

What can I do?

First off, this is a terrifying situation, an international crisis, and I don't see how we - as righteous Americans - can avert our eyes from the ongoing carnage. We cannot just go about our regular lives and pretend it is not happening. 

That said, should we get involved jujuistically? Do we put juju boots on the sofa? Keep in mind: Once we inject ourselves into a foreign conflict, it's hard to get out. There is a little thing called "mission creep," and if we beat back those miserable 020's on Sunday, will we then be expected to heal the goalie whenever he scores a neck hickey? 

I cannot in good faith simply commit our vast juju arsenal into a world hotspot in a nip-and-tuck, willy-nilly, higgetty-piggety, devil-may-care, tough-titty-said-the-kitty-with-the-milk-so-warm manner. 

But we have to do something. 

I am hereby calling for a debate. What should we do?

Keep in mind: This is a Yankee website. We root against Boston in all forms, and we live to mock Mets and Metlike appendages. We keep personal vendettas against people who sign 10-year deals and yet don't even jog out ground balls, and I am currently down on a particular west coast franchise which is trying to steal one of our rightful catching prospects. Aside from that, and maybe a few other disputes, I am known worldwide as a peace-loving, humble and all-caring fan, who wishes happiness for all. 

What should we do? 


Anonymous said...

I say we sacrifice a fitted calf. Given bothersome urban ordinances against keeping and butchering livestock, this means fast food burgers for all tonight. This Trumpian diet further hedges our bets by appeasing the dark side of the juju

John M said...

When our allies in the UK needed out help in the early days of WWII, we dragged our feet because, oddly for America, entering a foreign war was wildly unpopular. When the crumbling of Yugoslavia led to ancient bloodfueds and bloodletting, we dragged our feet. When the Germans attacked Pearl Harbor, we finally acted, and history shows we did the right thing.

We cannot let our greatest Dutch ally suffer at the hands of a dictatorial regime bent on destroying his one chance at the freedom that comes from winning. We must act, act decisively, and not let his pleas and suffering go for naught.

This is the American Way. Mom and apple pie and baseball. And Dutch football.

13bit said...

Who knows what Dutch soccer team the Juju gods support? If we knew, we would be Juju gods and we most assuredly are not. That being said, this guy's belief in his team's manifest destiny does ring a Yankee chord in my soul. I can only focus on Yankee Juju at the moment and would NOT want to look back on this post as a horrible turning point in the season, so I'm probably going to have to pass on this one.

Anonymous said...

We owe Dutchman for the 18 inning win. While I slept blissfully ignorant, confident that all was well with a 3 run lead and Chapman coming in, Dutch fan suffered through the end of the game.

Anonymous said...

In support of our own Didi, I will have to go a different direction here. He is from the 020...

13bit said...

Point well taken, Anonymous.

Anonymous said...

Send them Refsnyder

Leinstery said...

As much as I love Didi we do owe the Dutchman for the game against the Cubs. We should provide spare juju in a lend-lease agreement that doesn't get us too involved. The Red Sox Hall of Fame superteam of destiny (did I get the order correct?) is starting to heat up offensively and we'll need the bulk of our juju to keep them at bay.

May I suggest a homegrown method for you Dutch? Remember what turned the Yankee season around. While drowning at 1-4, a crazed lunatic wrote about how great Cashman was, and then the next day we sacrificed our top pitching prospect. Yankees have been 20-5 since. Maybe you should sacrifice your top striker and attempt to convince your fellow Feyenoord hooligans that your teams management and player development is top notch. And just to be safe, try to make the case that the media as well as the league governing boards are fair and just.

Tom said...

Dutch Fan is The Man. Our only response is to summon some serious trans-Atlantic juju, especially since "our team" has the best hooligans. Our Yankee juju overflows lately and it would be a sin of Catholic proportions to let it all spill out on the floor.

However, somebody will have to take me aside and explain the 020 thing. I'm a little slow.

Alphonso said...

I think the only compassionate thing we can do is to buy some of their club shirts, and wish them well.

We have no experience in "Futbol" Ju-Ju. Yes, we have it with the NFL Giants, but that is a far cry from what is taking place in Holland.

The danger in applying what we know, is: it may be the exact reverse for soccer ( futbol). Negative Ju-Ju, for example, could be positive Ju_Ju, or even normative Ju-Ju and totally ineffective. That would like giving someone a shot for rabies to cure their flu symptoms. And if the person is Dutch, and lives in Holland, the outcome could be worse. As Mark Twain, the famous dutch author, once said; "The cure could be worse than the malady."

Which brings me to the main point; Ju-Ju is a high-end science, developed over years of experience and circumstance. Even our Ju-Ju has been known to fail us...and it took a long time to figure out where and how the science failed. Often, it took the entire off-season, and we still weren't certain.

With that, I conclude as follows:

Getting " well stoned" before the game will surely help. So I recommend that.

Also, learn how to say, " mother fucker" in Dutch.

Beana27 said...

I am all for helping Dutchman (& I love hooligans).
However, we must have an exit strategy.

KD said...

Dutchfan's pleading has touched me in a naughty place that my once adventurous wife now refuses to fondle. I'm on it! (That's what SHE said...)

while it is against my general prohibition regarding the consumption of mass-marketed global brands, I will consume a bottle of Heineken this Saturday night and attempt an expulsion of Rizzutonic juju particles, spraying them (at an appropriate trajectory) towards Northern Europa. This may not seem like much but it is a heroic sacrifice, let me tell you. It means giving up a bourbon drink.

DutchFan said...

Obviously I am honored that the troubles of my club are featured on the blog. And I have never thought that the powers of JuJu could or would be unleashed on something like Dutch soccer/020.

@Tom @Anonymous:020 we use for the team from Amsterdam. And yes, Mariekson was born there. But to his credit we must also remember he was shipped to Curacao as an infant. Dry rot sets in with people from 020 after puberty.

I was just looking for some advice. A tip.
Now I feel like getting plastered is the best thing to do. And just maybe the celebratory noises from the streets will sober me up at 6.30pm, so I can be a good hoolie on Monday morning.

DutchFan said...

@KD May the sprays be with us

Turkey Stanley said...

Just as our forebearers ensured the name "New Amsterdam" would not remain on our masthead, we must not allow "Old Amsterdam" to reach the top slot.

I say act.

Mike said...

In honor of DutchFan's efforts in securing the epic Chicago win, I join others on here in pledging my help in the 020 matter.

While I don't feel comfortable discussing any methods I might employ in summoning help from the juju gods (I'm not sure they would frown on that but I am risk-averse in such matters), I assure you that 020 now holds a similar spot in my heart with such entities as the Redsocks, Joey Bats, and Noah from the Alaskan Bush People. Make of that what you will...

DutchFan said...

@Leinstery: Point well taken. Obviously we are a whining lot, not worthy of even thinking about titles and honors. 020 is the superior team with their classic shirt and Greek God logo. Most of all, it is where the important first 5 years of Mariekson's life played out. Years that make a man a Yankee hero.

@Alphonso: We do not have a equivalent to "mother fucker". Probably Dutch heritage does not include Oedipusian activities. Comparable impact is achieved with using "klootzak". Literally "ball sack". (phonetically: clode zuck)

@KD Free Heineken for all visitors to Rotterdam - codeword: Didilicious

@Turkey Stanley: Go Rotterdam, Schenectady County, New York.

@Mike: The thought of 020 being in a similar spot with Redsocks and Noah in the heart of a Yankee fan, brings tears to my eyes.

ranger_lp said...

So I guess that 020 has nothing to do with 420....right?

DutchFan said...

At least not in Holland

The Sayonara Kid said...

I stand with DutchFan. Any title-deciding sporting event with potential to end in rioting has most certainly already captured the JuJu gods' attention. Down with the 020 klootzaks. May they fail in both their attempted title usurpation and their bid to reach the Europa Cup Final -- which is soccer's version of the Bud Selig One-game Bullshit Playoff.