Monday, May 1, 2017

Why must Yankee losses be so excruciating?

The April Empire lost its eighth game yesterday. Eight. In the NFL, eight losses keeps you out of the playoffs. But in baseball, eight losses are a butterfly's fart. By October, we will have tasted the raunchy underwear of defeat about 70 times. We have at least 60 more to swallow. Altogether now: Gulp. 

So... W.T.F? What's with these waterboard-quality, pineapple-up-the-keister defeats? We lose because a sure-handed SS (Kozma) botches a DP grounder, or Starlin Castro flubs a pop-up, or we can't touch Ivan Fucking Nova! These are dog-life losses, seven in one. And yesterday's was the worst yet, a "10" on the hospital bed pain scale. In the end, Laurence Olivier was drilling holes in my teeth and asking, "Is he safe? Is he safe? Is he safe?" while the ump kept calling Austin Romine out at the plate. A couple more like yesterday, and I'm moving to West Virginia for the free Oxycontin. 

Listen: I think we - the priapismic Yankee fan base -must take a few deep breaths and step back from the mosh pit. We've been so hungry for a real Yankee lineup - a team that isn't merely chasing the final wild card berth - that we've begun to assign September significance to April events. 

We must keep our eyes on Scranton and Trenton - the Clints and Gleybers - and not get swept up with statistical projections of how many HRs Aaron Judge will hit - (no lie, John and Suzyn ran the numbers and came up with 72) - because we have 60 more kitchen sink losses coming, and each one will have us screaming like Dustin Hoffmann in the dentist chair. It's not just a long season. It's a dog season. If Judge finishes with 30 HR - beyond our pre-season expectations - that means he'll drop to four per month. 

But yesterday... damn, that was one flaming turd of a loss. I can handle a 15-0 blowout with maybe Ronald Torreyes pitching the ninth. But please, no more like yesterday. I'll never make it.

9 comments:

13bit said...

Better to have loved and lost than to never have been in the away-game wildcard sweepstakes at all. Pass that pineapple...I'm feeling lonely...

Tom said...

ouch! that pineapple sure did hurt. Lots to like about April, but yesterday they partied like it was 2016. And I think I'd rather watch Greg Bird strike out a bunch of times than see Chris Carter alternate double plays and strikeouts. Joey Binders strikes again.

Tom said...

In my long tradition of speaking first and checking facts second, I see Carter actually had two hits yesterday, including a double. I guess the ABs I saw just looked so feeble I assumed he would never reach base. My apologies to Chris Carter and his family. He does look like a pleasant person, although beyond that any similarities with Rod Carew vanish.

el duque said...

Tom,

I think you hit on something here. Chris Carter isn't that bad, but jeez - when he strikes out or hits into a DP, it drives me crazy.

I was all set to blow out my gaskets over the fact that Brigadoon Refsnyder has started to hit in Scranton, and how much greater it would be to have a .270 line-drive hitter playing 1B rather than all-or-nothing Carter. But he's not that bad.

I guess the question is, do we want a bench guy who might hit a HR every four weeks, or one who puts the bat on the ball and doesn't strike out twice a game? I dunno.

John M said...

I know! I know! One who puts the bat on the ball and doesn't strike out twice a game!

Did I win?

Anonymous said...

I can't help but think that if we had I dunno, ANY other manager besides Governor binders we'd have about 3 more wins than we do now. I swear he manages expecting to lose as opposed to the other way around.

13bit said...

You talking about Joey Pineapples?

Anonymous said...

Yeah, you won, John M, and yeah 13bit, we are indeed talking about Joey "Blue-Binders" Pineapples. LB (No J)

joe de pastry said...

Carter hits a home run only once every four weeks because he starts only one game a week.
But we need to start Bird against righties for a while longer before we give up on him.