Tuesday, May 9, 2017

The disgraceful San Diego Padres rule today's personal shitlist

Too bad about San Diego. After 56 years of hosting and supporting the Chargers, the city is losing its NFL franchise. It really sucks. And I planned to intervene on behalf of the city - I won't say how because, like Trump, that would give away valuable strategy to the enemy - but let me assure you: It was going to stop the Chargers' move to Los Angeles cold - (snaps fingers) - Just. Like. That.

But now? Sorry, San Diego. I'm letting the move go forward: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome the California Chargers of Los Angeles... with its grand legacy of Dan Fouts, Junior Seau and that beloved mascot, the LA Chicken.

The reason behind this sudden spasm of bile? (Note: Even in grand Yankee winning streaks, our responsibility is to alert the juju gods to gonads that need tweaking.) It is Luis Torrens, a 21-year-old catcher whom we lost - apparently for good - in last December's Rule 5 draft. In order to keep him, the Padres must stash Torrens on their 25-man roster for all of 2017, even though the kid has never flushed a toilet above Single A. He is one of three Rule 5 pickups San Diego will put on ice for the entire season. Also, he's the most vulnerable. Torrens already missed one year with a shoulder injury, and now - in need of game experience - he will sit out another season, basically rotting on the bench.
(Note: My guess is that sometime this summer, San Diego will try to offer the Yankees some overpriced bullpen clod in exchange for Torrens, so they can send him to the minors; I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't wish ill upon Torrens, but I'd just as soon see San Diego stew in its own grease. If they want to keep him an entire season, hurting his viability, let them. Let's not enable this crap.)

The Rule 5 draft is supposed to give veteran minor leaguers, who are blocked on deep rosters, a crack at the majors. It's not supposed to be used by teams to stock their farm system at the cost of the present season. But that's what San Diego is doing. 

Think about it: This is the most cynical strategy in all of baseball, a franchise openly pissing on competitive balance and - most of all - their loyal fans. The Padres will basically play a 22-man roster all season - (imagine the Yankees doing that in the aftermath of this week's grueling games) - and they'll contend for nothing more than next year's first draft pick. It's a sickening, desperate way to build. And of course, it's being done to a city that is losing its NFL team and, thus, has no recourse but to bend over and enjoy the pineapple.

And where is the Commissioner of Baseball on this? Good question. Not many people know it, but Rob Manfred is currently in a state of cryogenic suspension, en route to Europa, the mysterious moon of Jupiter. Once there, the plucky commissioner will awaken and drill below the moon's vast frozen surface in search of what MLB radar has detected: A stack of dimes. Because that's the job of MLB commissioners, right? Find new revenue sources and alert the lawyers? Best of all, by traveling into outer space, Manfred can avoid having to question the sincerity of an MLB owner, because - as everyone knows - the owners are the real stars of the game. 

(NOTE: This would normally be where we discuss Mr. Harold Zieg "Hal" Steinbrenner, owner of the Yankees. Until further notice: IT IS HIGH is suspending all criticism of Mr. Steinbrenner. Right now, Hal is doing an excellent job. Keep it up, sir!)

The Padres are owned by Mr. Ronald Fowler, the CEO of Liquid Investments Incorporated, an aptly named San Diego beer distributorship. He cut his sporting teeth by owning the famous San Diego Sockers, the indoor soccer dynasty in the National Indoor World American Soccer Whatever Who Gives a Shit League. Fowler's opening day Padres' payroll stood at $73 million - third lowest in baseball, behind Milwaukee and Tampa - for a team recently valued by Forbes Magazine at $1.3 billion.

If all works according to plan, the Padres will finish dead last this year. They'll draft first next June and stock their system from the bottom up. Torrens and their best prospects are probably two to three years away. Thus, maybe they'll need to finish last again in 2018. Oh well. No problem. It's not as if San Diego can shift its loyalty to the Chargers, right? Besides, finish last enough times and - boom! - you're a baseball genius! You've built a powerhouse on the cheap.

And here's the real fun:

When the Padres finally do start winning - let's say, sometime around 2020 - just watch how they make it up to the good fans of San Diego, who stayed with this beer distributorship/baseball franchise through the long lean years. Anybody want to bet the Padres won't demand a brand new stadium, courtesy of the locals? Because that's how billionaires are made. 

Let's wish Commissioner Manfred sweet dreams on his journey. If he sleeps long enough, maybe he can be a billionaire, too! 


DutchFan said...

This is totally off topic, but I have no place else to go:

When it come to JuJu there is only one place to go. So maybe this braintrust can help me out here.

My favorite Dutch soccer team is Feyenoord. This club has the best stadium, the best fans, the best city (Rotterdam) and the best hooligans. Hands down. We are great. 14 national titles. European champions. World champions. No club deserves titles more than we. We belong in first place. God given right.

Being the best means that everybody else is against you. Especially the dishonest media that drool over our archrivals (we refer to them by area code, which is 020 - Amsterdam, you go figure it out) and the national soccer association that appoints only 020 people to governing bodies and the national team.

We have the best logo.

Thanks to all the dishonest opposition and biased media our last national title was 18 years ago. All that time we have been humiliated, manipulated and ridiculed.
On top of that we have been subjected to the worst boards possible. Financial ruin, bad player development.

Then came 2016/2017 and from day 1 (a 5-0 victory somewhere in Groningen) we are in 1st place. Best team, best goal difference.

We also have the best shirts.

And last sunday we were going to finish it. We had a 4 point margin and played the number 15 in their tiny stadium, that happens to be only 3 miles from our grounds.

About 100.000 people were in the streets as of 10am. At game time (2.30pm) 50.000 more were in our own stadium watching the game on giant screens.
Authorities in the city expected at least 300.000 people to come to Monday's honoring at City Hall (Rotterdam has a 620.000 population).

We lost 3-0.
The 020 team won and trails us by 1 point.

We have one game left. This sunday, at home.

You have the experience, you are the thinktank and you can relate to our misery and all the dishonesty and treachery that we have endured over the past 18 years.

What to do? How do we become champions?
How to please the JuJu Gods now.
What can I do.

Anonymous said...


Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

If the Padres don't care about winning, then play the kid. Seems obvious.

John M said...

Save Netherlandic democracy and freedom! Destroy the evildoers in San Diego! We need a juju strategy for both.

Remember the Cant! Belters unite!

Anonymous said...

I say....if you want to field a minor league team in the majors, then charge minor league ticket prices. -m

Alphonso said...

Except for one season, the Padres always suck. In their best year, the Yankees swept them 4 games to 0 in the World Series.

What they are doing is evil, but smart. I hate to say that. They take other teams' best young prospects under a rule which was designed to give " aging out" minor leaguers a shot. So it sucks for everyone, except ownership.

They have violated the trust of America, not unlike the electoral college failing to perform its intended role in a recent election.

But it is effective.

They have the players, and we have a dick.

joe de pastry said...

He's been in 9 games, 1 for 13 [a single], 5K, one walk.
One PB, 0 for 3 catching base stealers.

el duque said...

Yes, yes, I know...

He's got one more hit than Higgy.

But at least Higgy is honing his craft in Triple A.