Tuesday, March 27, 2018

I can't hold the secret inside anymore: I bit Beyonce

Screw this... I cannot deal with the shame. I BIT BEYONCE! That's right. I did it! I'm not proud. It was wrong. It was cowardly. It's not who I am. I just - well - she was standing in the supermarket, bending over to pick up a 20-pound sack of potatoes, her knees cracked, she made a slight grunting sound, and I just - well - something came over me! I leaned forward and bit her.  

Damn... THIS IS NOT WHAT I NORMALLY DO. I've never bitten anyone before.  I'm not saying I'm a saint. I've made loud, scary chopping sounds with my teeth, but never gone in for the bite. Hell, my parents didn't raise a biter. There was something about that supermarket aisle, the music, the mustiness... I just lost it, that's all. And now, I cannot let some innocent fake Hollywood celebrity pay for my deed. 

I DID IT! Lock me up. I don't need a lawyer. Just put me in the cell and throw away the key. I bit Beyonce. And I'd do it again. Just let's not let this besmirch the arrival of opening day. 

5 comments:

HoraceClarke66 said...

I dunno, Duque...

Actresses/pop starlets going all the way back to Petula Clark are now claiming that you bit them as well.

Bernadette Peters has reportedly asked that you be banned from any performances of "Hello, Dolly!" while Chita Rivera is saying that you were the best biter she has ever known. Rita Moreno says she really wanted to live in America just to discover if your bite was as powerful and manly as everyone said.

This could get out of hand real fast.

JM said...

It will only get out of hand if Duque bites said hand.

ranger_lp said...

#NOBITE

Alphonso said...

I am confused.

Where did the bite occur on her body?

If she was " bending over " at that moment ( the potatoes thing ), was the offending bite on what might be termed her " butt " area?

Was fabric damaged?

Are there teeth marks somewhere? Dental forensics can prove a lot.

Did she go " straight up" ( post bite ) or swivel to see the offending object?

Were any potatoes bruised?

Anonymous said...

Will you still be able to blog from the "Clink"?? Do they have a subscription to the YES Network there?? Inquiring minds want to know... LB (No J)