Yesterday, the lone ray of hope for the Yankee franchise - that the epic meltdown of 2023 would signal an end to Brian Cashman's regime - began to flicker.
The ancient scribe Bob Klapish - a card-carrying Gammonite since 1983, now scribbling for some forgettable corporate logo - quoted an anonymous Yankee oil can to say that Cashman will - like Freddy Kruger, Michael Myers and Meg - return next year to wreak more havoc. In fact, the source told Klapish, "the idea (of firing Cashman) isn't even on the table. It's not up for discussion."
Shoot me.
Thus, the man most uniquely tethered to this disaster - the Oppenheimer who built this $270 million bomb - will face no consequences for his butchery. Klapish's inside source - (Cashman? Hal? You gotta wonder) - said the verdict is still out on Aaron Boone, the most ejected manager in baseball, who might serve as prime scapegoat if the Death Barge finishes, as it sits now, dead last in the AL East.
So ends the one hope that accompanied this recent Yankee death spiral: That someone would face a set of consequences... that changes would be coming in how the Yankees do business... that a housecleaning could happen... that a long-term plan could be hatched... that the future might look different from the agonizing past.
Despite their complete collapse in 2023, the Mets have at least given fans an indication that changes are coming, that they will not simply carry on the same strategic blunders that ran their ship aground. The Yankees, on the other hand, have created a management that cannot move, and a clubhouse that cannot win and for all of this, they will simply double-down.
Either owner Hal Steinbrenner cannot fire Cashman - (the GM has photographs?) - or he simply doesn't give a fuck how the team performs, as long as the money rolls in. It's a version of "FORD TO NY: DROP DEAD," the famous Daily News headline from the era of Abe Beam. Hal is telling us to find another pastime; the Yankees are his to run, even if he doesn't want his soft fingers to touch their rotted scent.
So, some relevant stats from this year's masterpiece of mismanagement:
Luis Severino - 2 wins, 8 losses, 8.06 ERA.
This will almost surely end the Sevy Era in NY. He'll be 30, a free agent, and the Yankees will probably say goodbye in an email. Of course, we know what will happen: He'll go to Boston, or Tampa, or some city where hating the Yankees is a source of local pride, and he'll turn into Nathan Eovaldi. And for the rest of his career, he'll kill us.
Josh Donaldson - .142 BA, 10 HRs, 15 RBIs.
I do believe Jackie is gone from Pinstripes, and probably the game itself. The Yankees will buy him out for $6 million, and at age 38, he'll try to catch on with somebody, anybody. His near Hall of Fame credentials were crushed by his time in NY, and he's lucky to not have been canceled by the Tim Anderson dust-up, for which he will be unfortunately remembered.
Giancarlo Stanton - .204 BA, 18 HRs, .278 OBP
Nothing will happen. The coastal cities will flood, the A.I. Skynet will declare war on humanity, the aliens will attack, and he will still be the Yankee DH. Get used to him jogging. It will only get worse. He's only 33. When he's done with us, he'll be 38.
Oswaldo Cabrera - .202 BA, 4 HRs, .266 OBP
What a sad fate. He'll go back to Scranton and play under the name "Estevan Florial Jr." until he is voted to the Moosic Town Aldermen board in 2028. A year ago, he looked like a future star. Now, he's almost cringeworthy. Last night, 0-for-3, two Ks.
Waist deep in the Big Muddy. And the Big Fool says to push on.
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22 comments:
We are all now living in a Stephen King novel.
If that’s the case ArchA I sure as hell wish someone would open the damn book up so I can get out of here ‘cause every time I try to do it I get paper cuts up and down my arms and they really hurt and I’m sorta bleeding out and getting light headed
Every year is now Groundhog Day. Same shit, same characters, same excuses. Hopefully I’ll learn how to play the piano now that I don’t have to watch any games.
Maybe you're still walking, you're still talking
You'd like to keep your health.
But every time I read the papers
That old feeling comes on;
We're, waist deep in the Big Muddy
And the big fool says to push on.
Brian is a useful idiot, in Soviet parlance. Was it the Soviets who invented that? Who cares? It's true.
Brian provides cover for Hal. Hal covers Brian's ass. Brian will throw Booney under the bus LONG LONG LONG before there is any threat to himself. And there are other kabuki-dance related moves that they can take before even *thinking* about the end of Cash.
They can send the whole training staff on a one way ride to Palookaville. They can strap Randy Levine to a Blue Origin rocket and test fire the engines.
They can drop Brian's extended family off at a bus station in Cleveland.
They can blame it on all kinds of crap. Two things you will NOT see, though, are either Brian or Giancarlo Stanton catching any crap in any way. And they are linked together like Ahab and the whale.
Brian is a baseball idiot. Can't speak for how he runs his personal life, but I have some opinions. Think "spidey." Anyway, to repeat, BRIAN IS AN IDIOT. HAL DOES NOT CARE. FANS ARE FUCKED.
Maybe that would be a good children's chant. Some good doggerel.
When we were young lads, my friends and I, roaming the streets of Yonkers, New York, we would chant, "BUNGALOW BAR TASTES LIKE TAR, THE MORE YOU EAT IT, THE SICKER YOU ARE."
over and over and over and over again, the way only 5-year olds can drum something into the ground.
When I chat with my Yankee fan friends, especially Tommy Shirts, who reads every word on this blog, but does not comment, we always end up saying the SAME FUCKING THING TO EACH OTHER over and over and over and over again.
I'll usually point out, "this is the same conversation." and he always says "Yup." But this has been going on for years now, from not long after suspension of disbelief was no longer possible, long after it was eminently clear that we were fucked beyond belief (FBB©). Long after the vaudeville team of Stick and Bob - the actual architects of the last dynasty - had left the house.
BRIAN HAS BEEN A FUCKING JOKE SINCE DAY ONE but, like some sick joke of realizing that you are INSIDE the camp fence instead of outside it, THE JOKE HAS BEEN ON US. Brian gets to maintain his fantasy and probably get tons of weird women in bed as Mr Yankee GM. Hal gets to see the money keep rolling in. And Randy gets to keep eating. The players get paid. The groundskeepers and hot dog guys get paid. It's only those of us - the fans - who bleed pinstripes - who are weeping themselves to bed every. fucking. night. The joke is on US. Soylent green, my friends.
SEE THIS TEAM, MISTER STEINBRENNER. SELL THIS TEAM. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY. SELL IT AND SAVE YOUR ROTTEN FUCKING SOUL.
Haiku Tuesday - Thursday Edition:
When all our hope fades
Don Ho cast as Johnny Storm
Hug your memories
Last night was dreadful.
My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.
Fans really should be chanting "Sell the Team" more than they chant "Fire Cashman," but it seems they don't. Is the stadium crowd so riddled with bandwagoners, tourists, and daytrippers that they don't have the foggiest sense of what they're watching?
Knicks fans were relentless with the "Sell the Team" chants 2-3 years ago, and it seems to have wrought, or at least coincided with, some fundamental change. Dolan has behaved himself recently, become more of a passive check-signer, and allowed more competent organizational structure beneath him to handle player acquisitions. Whether this will lead to the first Knicks championship in my 50 years remains to be seen (well, technically they won when I was an infant), but at least there's hope. There is no reason to hope in Yankeeland.
Fully agree with you, Pocono Steve.
Yes yes yes, Winnie.
And that’s beautiful, above average
Bit, your above tirade should be cast in bronze along with your baby shoes, first baseball glove and a facsimile of your favorite shot glass.
Perhaps someone here can help:
For a few years now I’ve been trying to search out the late 70’s/early 80’s all-you-can-eat SHRIMP orgy TV commercial to no avail. It was for one of those “chain” restaurants like Beefsteak Charlie’s or Red Lobster and featured these diners working up a near orgasmic frenzy gorging themselves on these bottom dwellers whilst all the time panting, “SHRIMP SHRIMP SHRIMP!”
Alas - appears that no poor bastard living in their parent’s basement fingering the faded buttons of their father’s favorite Fisher VCR has ever uploaded it onto the internets.
(found everything else though- thanks for asking)
No real reason not to DFA Severino immediately, he’s through here and has been for some time. I suppose they are indeed afraid he will resurface elsewhere and perform better. (He could hardly perform worse)
Combined Severino and Rodon have given us 90 poor innings, having spent a season’s worth of time on the IL, been charged with 11 losses and have a combined 7.82 ERA. For this they will be paid an aggregate $41M this year, doled out by cashman despite the lengthy injury histories of both. We are stuck with Rodon for 5 more years that will undoubtedly be mostly spent on the IL. A $162M mistake.
In spite of this, cashman will keep his job, proof positive that Steinbummer doesn’t care a whit about winning, as long as the money keeps rolling in. For more than a year, this has barely been a .500 team, has struggled mightily against winning teams and now has become an embarrassment off the field. We are 6-9 in our last 15 games and are certainly circling the drain. If we finish last, Boone will definitely be in line to be sacrificed, although IMO he will return for one more year. But does anyone here think this will be an improved team in ‘24? Raise your hand!
This is the beginning of a Dark Dark period. Hal wants to bring the Genius back.
I have run out of expletives
Here is one of them, AA:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgUkUjGC95s
DFA Sevy?!?!?
His performance this season can only mean one thing: The Intern will sign him for four more years, because he's so close to being his old self.
If they are out of it by September 1st, put Judge, Rodon, DJ, Severino on the 60 day EL. Bring up some players. See what we have. The logic of this prohibits them doing this...
And AA, I THINk this is the one!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFkJnz7EH4c
I love the caveat at the end, about "Not available in Lauderdale through April 21st."
Had the Yankees eaten all the shrimp during spring training? Or the seniors? Was it a red tide thing?
Ah, for the days of stuffing yourself on completely flavorless food!
And even if this is the Big Muddy, I'd rather be with you guys than anywhere else.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFkJnz7EH4c oh I see hoss beat me to it.
Last night, I passed on the Yankees (very fortunately) and watched "Born Losers", a biker flick portraying one man's war against the "Born to Lose" motorcycle club. It was a helluva lot better entertainment than the Yankee game, I'm sure. And the name of the movie is starting to apply directly to our New York Yankees. Maybe they can put a "Born to Lose" patch on their butts, right next to the "kick me" sign.
@ ranger_lp, At this rate, they'll be "out of it" by Saturday. Actually, they're already out of it right now.
@ Duque, I wouldn't be shocked if the Houston ASS-stros sign Severino and then he hurls an eight inning, one hit shutout against us next year.
Re. Jackie DonaldDick and Tim AHole. Did ya'll see the Tim Anderson vs Jose Ramirez fight? After a play at second base, Anderson dropped his glove and challenged Ramirez. The video angles are pretty bad, but it looked like Anderson (unorthodox stance) hit Ramirez (orthodox stance) with a right jab and a left cross before Ramirez suddenly dropped Anderson with a stunning right hook to the side of the face. The punches were all lousy, and even the Ramirez punch was kind of a clunker, nothing landing properly with the knuckles, but it was a good fight by baseball player standards. And after the game, Ramirez said Anderson has been "disrespecting the game for a while now".
So what we suspected appears to be true: it wasn't all Jackie Dick's fault. Tim Anderson should change his name to Tim Ahole. The guy is a 'hole with a capital "A".
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