Breaking News! Third Cashman Indictment Drops! 2011-2016

 

The third indictment of Brian Cashman for crimes against baseball and common sense was unsealed today at the Bronx County Courthouse. The indictment covers those baseball felonies committed during the so-called “Pronk Years” of the New York Yankees.

While The Brain himself was silent, save for his telling the press, “We’re getting closer to something we’re comfortable with,” lawyers Lonn Trost and Randy Levine, a.k.a. Thing One and Thing Two, offered a spirited defense of Cashman, both on TV and in the courtroom.

Mr. Trost sought to move the venue of the forthcoming Cashman trial, arguing, “Your honor, all of the trades and acquisitions and non-acquisitions we’re talking about here, affected other cities as well as New York. Boston, Houston, and Anaheim, for instance, all benefited greatly from Mr. Cashman’s alleged misdeeds. Why not have the trial in one of those locations?”

Levine advanced the novel defense that any trial would violate Mr. Cashman’s “right to be incompetent.” 

“Were these moves in the indictment brainless? Were they foolish? Were they shortsighted? Were they arrogant and egotistical? Sure they were. What, we’re saying now that Americans can’t walk around being arrogant, egotistical, shortsighted morons? If so, we’re going to have to put a lot of people on trial!”

Some highlights from the third part of the indictment:

2011—Yankees play to win the division for a change, but lose excruciating ALDS to Detroit, as Fister and Scherzer star on the mound. Cashman prize youngster Phil Hughes flops as starter, going 5-5 with a 5.79 ERA, while new recruit Bartolo Colon is 8-10, 4.00.

2012—Yanks take division crown again and squeak past Baltimore in ALDS, but team collapses and is swept in ALCS by Detroit, as Scherzer and Justin Verlander shut them down in last two games. Persian-Japanese international signee Yu Darvish, who Cashman ignored, debuts big for Texas, winning 16 games.

2013—Yankees miss the postseason for only the second time in the last 20 years. 

Cashman declines to re-sign whacky Raul Ibanez, despite a clutch of clutch September and October homers. Ibanez goes on to hit 29 home runs in Seattle. Cashman declines to re-sign Russell Martin, the Gold Glove catcher who averaged 20 homers and .224 (.743 OPS) at the plate, figures that would make him an immediate entry omto the Hall of Fame today. 

Martin goes on to have some of his best seasons with Toronto and Pittsburgh. Cashman decides to let lifelong back-up Chris Stewartreplace him for the entire season. Stewart plays 108 games—the only time in his career he plays more than 58—and finishes with 4 homers, 25 RBI, a .211 BA, and .566 OPS. 

Meanwhile, Cashman begins the Pronk-ification of the Yankees, putting Lyle Overbay, Eduardo Nunez, Jayson Nix, Vernon Wells, and the Pronk himself, Travis Hafner, in starting roles. The team is outscored by 671-650, but somehow still manages a winning record.

ADDENDUM: Overbay is playing because the declining Teixeira can play only 15 games. Cuban star Jose Abreu is available but Cashman ignores him. Abreu goes on to a stellar career, winning the 2020 AL MVP. Lyle Overbay...remains Lyle Overbay.

Yu Darvish goes 13-9, 2.83 for Texas, while rookie Gerrit Cole, who Cashman drafted but failed to sign, is 10-7, 3.22 as a rookie for the Pirates.

2014—Reverting to his last winning strategy, The Brain signs the three leading free agents available: Brian McCann, Jacob Ellsbury, and Carlos Beltran.

McCann, over the hill, is at his best hitting the occasional home run into the rightfield porch. Over the 3 years he’s with the Yankees, he hits 46 homers at home—and 23 on the road. Just to ensure the pain continues, he is traded to Houston for Albert Abreu.

Beltran is signed too late and too early, but puts in a couple of decent years as a DH. Ellsbury…the details of this part of the indictment have been sealed, out of fear that they are too horrible for the general public to handle. 

With Robinson Cano gone to Seattle, Cashman restarts the roundelay at second, bringing in Brian Roberts. Roberts hits a weak .237, and after 91 games is replaced with…Stephen Drew, who hits .150. With Alex Rodriguez suspended for doing what 80 percent of baseball is doing, Cashman brings in Yangervis Solarte and Chase “Steady State” Headley to play third.

Yankees fail to make the playoffs for the second year in a row, for the first time since 1992-1993. But The Brain is thinking about the future. Dramatically endorsing the international market, the Yankees spend at least $14 million—and probably more like $30 million, with luxury taxes, in signing the following, heralded teenagers:

Dermis Garcia, INF; Christopher Torres, INF; Nelson Gomez, INF; Jonathan Amundaray, OF; Antonio Arias, OF; Miguel Flames, C; Juan De Leon, OF; Sung-Joon Park, SS; Servando Hernandez, P; Diego Castillo, SS; Frederick Cuevas, OF.

Only Garcia and Castillo, briefly, make the major leagues.

2015—Despite all that is holy, Stephen Drew remains at second base, to hit .201 in another 131 games. Somehow, Yankees make the playoffs. They get all of three hits, and lose 3-0—the first in a long series of humiliating defeats at the hands of the Houston Astros. 

Addendum: Despite being short an infielder, Cashman is outbid for young Cuban star Loan Moncada.. Moncada—"Slowly I turn to you"—proves to be an erratic major-leaguer. But the Red Sox trade him for White Sox pitching star Chris Sale and win another championship in 2018.

2016—As Yankees drop out of playoff contention for the third time in four years. Cashman decides that it is finally time to rebuild. The key moves are deadline trades of the revived Beltran, Chapman, and Andrew Miller to contenders.

In return, the Yankees receive Nick Green, Erik Swanson, Dillon Tate, J.P. Feyereisen, Ben Heller, Justus Sheffield, Clint Frazier, Rashad Crawford, Adam Warren, Billy McKinney—and Gleyber Torres.

The new dynasty is all set.

Yankees’ First-Round Draft Picks, 2011-2016:

2011—Dante Bichette, 3B

2012—Ty Hensley, RHP

2013—Eric Jagielo, 3B

              Aaron Judge, OF

              Ian Clarkin, LHP

2014—None; first pick Jacob Lindgren, LHP, second round

2015—James Kaprielian, RHP

              Kyle Holder, SS

2016—Blake Rutherford, OF