Who won't we sign? Who isn't coming back? Can we bring canned food to help feed the Steinbrenners? Welcome to the death zone of Yankee news

I read the news today, oh boy...  J-Biebs and Selena Gomez: kaput. Kanye and Kim: dangling. David Petraeus: New meaning to "the surge." John Cusak: Going to play Rush Limbaugh in a move. (Yeah, that makes sense.) And Swish: Not coming back. From now on, he's Swoosh.

Sori won't return. Hiroki Kuroda might not. Andy might not. Eric Chavez and Jason Nix - nixed? Andruw Jones: newp. Torii Hunter? Uh-uh. Josh Hamilton? No. Zach Cranky? Nope. That flame-throwing Korean pitcher? Didn't sign him. Not sure we put in a bid. Nation of Scott Boras: We have Cash, but no cash. Note to Yankiverse: Next year, bring canned food to games, so the Steinbrenners don't starve.

This is the dead zone of Yankee news. As they say in Russian basketball: Nothing but nyet.

Well, wait: We did sign a couple nobodies. Dopy Dildox and Bert Kippleberry! Dominated last year's Topeka indoor league. Who knows?

WTF? What happened to the Yankee 24/7-365-and-a-quarter news of hope stampede? Are we supposed to be sated by hearing that Michael Pineda is throwing off a flat surface? I would be happy to know he's eating off a flat plate. Are we supposed to bustle with the news that Grandyman might be fitted for glasses? I'd just as soon he be fitted for dentures. What's the difference?

Listen: This is what it's like to be a Royals fan. Stories upon stories about who you're not going to sign. And the speculative pieces by 14-year-olds (We'll trade blahblah for Matt Cain...) don't help. This is the dead zone. Thank God for super-duper secret agent Petraeus. Otherwise, this whole month - November is NY Giants Collapse Month - would be worth skipping.

I gotta bad feeling about this, folks. We might be in for a long drought.