Updated schedule for Final Jeter Gifting Ceremonies

Oct. 1, 11 a.m.: Official Jeter Final Yankee Pre-Retirement Coffee, Starbucks, Boston.
Join Derek, manager Joe Girardi and Yankee President Randy Levine for a special, emotional send-off before the Captain's final game. In brief ceremonies, Derek will receive a special, 48 ounce Starbucks mug, with lifetime refills, which will be also offered by Steiner Collectibles as a limited edition Jeter keepsake for only $59.95. (No refills.) This is a memory you won't want to miss.

Oct. 1, 2 p.m.: Official Final Captain's Crap, Men's Restroom, Fenway Park. 
Join Derek, announcer Michael Kay and Yankee President Randy Levine in stall No. 2 for the Captain's final No. 2, while dropping his famed pinstriped pants. During a brief but satisfying ceremony, Jeter will receive a roll of special commemorative toilet paper, which will also be made available by Steiner Collectibles as limited edition keepsakes for only $29.95. (Package of four.) This is an excrement you won't want to miss!

Oct. 1, 9:30 p.m.: Official Final Jeter Hookup, Hampton Inn Hotel, Boston.
Join Derek, general manager Brian Cashman, Yankee President Randy Levine and a Victoria's Secret supermodel for the Yankee superstar's final sexual romp, while shedding his famed Yankee jersey. In special ceremonies, which could last several hours, Jeter will receive a commemorative blowjob, which also will be made available by Steiner Collectibles, as limited edition keepsakes for only $199.99. This is an orgasm you won't want to miss!