It's a heat wave, and the Yankees are a hot mess. Ten overly boiled truths.

Today's Heat Index could hit 105. Stay inside. Watch Judge Judy. Take Hydration Breaks. Do not ponder the Yankees or their seven-game streak. Do not succumb to their mind control. 

Ten truths to free our tortured skulls.

1. No matter what happens, Aaron Boone will never be fired. Ever. He will outlast us, our children, and our children's children. He will speak at your funeral. Do not gaze deeply into those demonic eyes. He will manage the Yankees forever.

2. Thus, do not fall into the soul-sapping trap of calling for Boone's dismissal. It won't happen. He cannot be removed. Same with Trump and his offspring. They're not leaving. Ever. None of them. Kash Patel? Taylor Swift? Vana White? The cast of Yellowstone? Here, forever.

3. That's because our world is run by inhuman, immortal demon alien vampires who cannot be killed. If you get in their way, you will be sued or disappeared to a desert prison colony. If you get in Boone's way, you must deal with his secret hell-spawn acolyte, Anthony Volpe.

4. Jazz Chisholm is a robot. He was designed to be a 50-50 player, but his software became degraded, and now, he suffers from weekly chip malfunctions. He needs to be restored to factory settings, but the Yankees fear losing their investment in the lollypops.

5. Hal Steinbrenner is alive and being held captive in a remote stretch of Area 54. If we had our shit together, we would mount a courageous military operation to free him and restore him to the Yankee helm. But frankly, nobody wants that. 

6. This week, the Yankees finally destroyed pitching prospect Carlos Lagrange. In spring training, Lagrange was throwing 102 mph fastballs, so they sent him to Scranton, where he could throw out his arm. There are good reasons to go slowly on young pitchers, but opposing teams do it often, rather than horde Camilo Dovals and Jake Birds, and they have now beaten the Yankees seven straight times.

7. The sportswriters now calling for a trade deadline Yankee makeover are, in fact, automated online flesh bots, reincarnated from gum-swabs of Peter Gammons, whose disembodied brain is currently running a traffic light on Martha's Vineyard. 

8. Jack Curry is a hologram transmission from a planet millions of miles from here. His hair gel is the receiver. 

9. The black paint on Jose Caballero's face never comes off. I do not know what that means.

10. Few losing streaks survive 9th inning meltdowns by the likes of Aroldis Chapman and Kenley Janson. But the miracle plummeting '26 Yankees did just that. Was there ever a darker omen of the looming Yankeegeddon? 

Beware. And don't stare into Boone's eyes.