I'm leavin' today...
I'm gonna make a brand new start of it...
In old New York...
This afternoon in Baltimore when A.J. Burnett leans in to glare at the Orioles' batters, his mind will focus far beyond the 60 feet, six inches that separate the mound from home plate. He'll have his gaze fixed hungrily on the disabled list.
"It's something you dream about your whole life, your first big injury in pinstripes," gushed the righthander as he arrived at Camden Yards for his maiden Yankee start. "You imagine your name being mentioned alongside Carl Pavano and Kevin Brown. Well, today I get my shot, and I couldn't be more pumped."
Excited as he is, Burnett has long known that enthusiasm alone won't deliver his goal. While most major leaguers vacationed all winter, Burnett pursued a harsh daily routine of throwing himself down stairs, dropping heavy objects on his feet, sleeping on his shoulder wrong, and polishing a patient strategy. "You need to go in with a game plan," the pitcher acknowledges, "but you also need to be flexible. It could be a comebacker to the face, or you could blow a hammie on your follow-through. You've got to be ready to react fast to any opportunity."
Captain Derek Jeter has his new teammate's back. "We've talked a bit, and I think A.J. knows that New Yorkers can be a little impatient," says Jeter. "If he gets through six innings without a scratch, he'll see it on the back pages, he'll hear about it from the fans."
At least one admirer shrugs those worries off. "Until A.J. came to camp" says skipper Joe Girardi, "I never saw anybody so prepared to get hurt from day one."
The distance between the Yankees and
daylight
is rapidly expanding, as the details of
another failed Yankee outing are entered
into the formal records of this rapidly deteriorating season.
A few glimmers of optimism for those who doubt:
1. She-Fan may be given a re-dux to her 2007 season of midgery.
2. Chin Ming proved that his lis franc foot can hold up for three innings plus.
3. Mark Teixeira had a break-out game, lifting his batting average well above .100.
4. Hideki Matsui ( remember " Godzilla??" ) popped out to third while representing the tying run in the 9th.
But he did hit a homer yesterday in another losing effort, which makes me think A-Rod is already back. Hideki is smacking the Oriole starting pitchers around at a neat .100 clip.
5. Our relief corps pitched shut-out ball. On this happy note, I won't bring up any long-term concerns about the fact that the Yankees already have the most over-worked BP staff in the league.
6. Mariano remains well-rested and raring to go.
7. Brett Gardner raised his batting average to .143. But those high choppers to a drawn in infield with runners in scoring position aren't getting the job done.
This afternoon, our still winless "ACE " AJ Burnett goes against a guy who last year played first base for Baltimore's AA team. Add to that the fact that he had Tommy John surgery last month, and used to throw from the left side.
That should give us plenty of opportunities for leaving multiple guys on base in scoring position.
After today's early get-away the Yanks have a 4 game set in Kansas City.
As long as we can keep Joba away from neighboring Nebraska, we should at least gain a split.
Dear Madam or Sir:
I feel the moistened heat rising from your mousepad. (That's not a sexual innuendo, BTY). Of our all-star IIH lineup, you're the house pessimist, and we're 0-2.
Worse, we lost to another Toyota, while our imported sedan is chasing his second Pitcher of the Year Award at Scranton.
Worser, Chien-Ming Wang's sinker is full of helium, and there are flashes of Teixeira replacing Arod as the Billy Crystal DH with runners on base.
But everything is cool. Here's why.
This is an angry dude. This is an "I-aint-pickin'-no-cotton!" man.
This is our third starter. On every other team in baseball, he is the second starter. On all but maybe four or five, he is the ace of the staff.
Then come Joba and Andy.
It is the bottom of the rotation where we will rule.
Write this down: The bottom of the rotation aint gonna pick no cotton for The Man.
Write this down. We win today.
In another predictable yak about Evil Arod, Kevin Kernan in today's NY Murdoch takes a liberty that I doubt Alex Rodriguez would escape with.
Kernan writes:
"He'll always be the center of attention because of who he is and his talent level, but will the Yankees have a talk with him about little things, for instance, how it looks to the rest of the world when you kiss yourself in a mirror for a photographer?
Kiss yourself behind closed doors, if you want."
OK, as Joe Biden would say in the aftermath of a Sarah Palin rant, where do I start?
Yes, ARod is a fool, a jerk, an egomaniac, blah-blah-blah. But the picture published in Details does not show him kissing himself in the mirror.
In other words, this is an error. Some journalists would be pressed to issue a correction. Columnists, who speak in the language of metaphor and parable, almost never issue corrections. Nobody has to correct a metaphor.
But Kirnan is wrong. The picture does not show Arod kissing himself. He looks full of himself. He's probably an asshole. Kirnan could have said many things. (And Kirnan is not generally the worst.) He chose to say something untrue.
Why care? Well, what bothers me is the witch-hunting spirit NY sportswriters channel whenever Arod's head rises up from the bunker. Whatever he does, whatever he says, gets attacked.
And if you say he kissed himself enough times, it becomes a fact.
Again, why care? Well, many times over the last four years, ARod has been brutalized in print for a careless choice of words. Two years ago, there was a week-long controversy when he said he was no longer Jeter's closest friend. You would have thought he denied the Holocaust, the way the writers picked over every word.
Whenever Arod speaks, he goes into the microwave oven, set on full for a 24-hour news cycle. He gets pulverized by writers like Kirnan. (Again, he's not the worst.)
Arod gets killed in every interview. He's not a writer. He's jabbering away in a locker room. Here's Kirnan, a professional journalist, theoretically writing several drafts before filing a piece. He should be held to a higher standard of factuality when it comes to choice of words.
He is wrong. And because of that, it was a cheap shot.
Of course, it's only Arod, so why care? Right?
It is getting so bad, I can't bear to watch.
This Yankee season is reminding me of those scenes from the "Natural," where the NY Knights are a disaster of a team, just before Bob Redford arrives to save the day.
Teixeira can't buy a base hit. He is dead last in the league on RBI's Home Runs, extra base hits and practically every measure there is.
CC is already wearing garments usually reserved for people re-habbing from major surgery in hospitals.
AJ Burnett hasn't won a game. We have yet to see an effective sinker from Chin Ming.
And A-Rod is learning to surf on corn snow in Colorado.
We are already looking at Boston's Tail-lights, and Toronto is undefeated.
I think it is time to face facts, trade off everyone over 30, and flood the place with rookies.
What a bummer
We don't need reporters anymore.
Forget that old-fashioned way to get quotes. Now, we can get all the information we need from the Yankees Twitter spokesmen, Nick Swisher and CC (no periods, please) Sabathia!
Here's their take on the loss to the Orioles:
Swisher: Tough night tonight. It's alright. Let's try and win the next 161.
What did CC say about his performance? Nothing. He apparently hid in the trainer's room until all the Blackberries went home.
Thought you were safe by moving across the country, eh Bobby Abreu?
Not so fast! The Lord of the Lohud has Wall-E in his crosshairs this morning, dropping this bomb on the Yankees ex-RF:
"They’re started dismantling the old Yankee Stadium, stripping out the grass and now they’re taking down the outfield walls. This part of the wall had very little wear and tear as Bobby Abreu rarely touched it."
Memo to Susie Arth, Sports Editor at Lohud: If the man isn't the highest paid employee at the Lohud Compound, then forthaluvoGeezus, give him a raise before ESPN scoops him up and chains him to a desk in between Steve Phillips and Buster Olney.
The man has only paved the way in the sports blog industry. Christ, there's a reason EVERY sportswriter in NYC refers to him as The Blogfather....
This is a blast from our past, Oct. 22, 07...
Chien-Ming Wang, (5 innings, 12 earned runs)
Some shall wonder why Joe’s gone,
Some shall cry out, “What went wrong?”
Some will blame that insect throng,
But I’ll remember Chien-Ming Wang.
For sure, his ending was foregone
That night we watched our lead withdrawn.
And now, it hurts to say, “So long.”
And then to ponder Chien-Ming Wang.
Next summer, birds shall sing their song,
While happy children play along.
But we’ll remember who is gone,
Whenever we see Chien-Ming Wang.
Well...
Last year, we died on that basepath with Wang. He never ran again. Neither did we. For all the winter tablobabble about CC and AJ, it's Wang's return that gives the most hope.
He's good enough to win without his best stuff, good enough to beat Boston in Fenway. And let's face it, that's something each of us secretly wonders about CC Sabathia, Mr. National League Central. I don't recall him blowing through the AL East, as he did those AAAA powerhouses, the Pirates and Reds.
Today, we'll see if something's wrong,
We'll pray for grounders, on the lawn,
For if he flounders, hope be gone.
We really need him, Chien-Ming Wang.
The Nostradamus of MLB Negativity is back at it again!
Yes, the Gate Keeper of Former Steroid Skeletons in the Closet has some more dirt to hurl.
He's claiming that Manny Ramirez, the near Yankee target from this past offseason (thank you, Leigh Teixeira!) took PEDs.
His rationale as to why he believes this is astounding. Hey, 90% is 90%...
Here is Manny's official response:
"I tracked down Ramirez to tell him what Canseco had said. The immediate response is pure Ramirez: He laughs. Sitting at his locker, he says, "I got no comment, nothing to say about that. What can I say? I don't even know the guy."
How I pray the other 103 names are released. As Duque pointed out, it will be like this all year. There are asshole Sock fans in high places, unfortunately. And they have the ability to leak ugly information, and/or internet videos of young pitchers gatting nailed for DUI.
But, didn't I hear Joe Biden say during the game last night (in the ESPN booth) that he grew up a Yankees fan? C'mon Vice President Biden, sir! Can't you do SOMETHING?!?!?!
I don't know how to feel about this. One side says he could have killed somebody, so throw the book at him, make it hurt, and maybe he grows up vowing never again.
Other side says, it's open season in America on the Yankees right now, and that's not fair.
Arod's carrying the collective shame of 104 players. Teixeira's being booed in his hometown for not accepting a lowball bid. Now Joba's DWI film is on the Internet. I don't recall Lindsay Lohan's DWI video. I don't recall Paris Hilton's. Somehow, they got Joba's.
This is what's coming, folks. It's going to be like this all year.
Apparently, Baltimore has chosen to mirror the Redsock model for franchise development.
Hate. Pure hate.
Gin up as much as humanly possible for the Yanks, then build your fan base around it. Hate sells. Just turn on the radio. Hate is clean. Hate is effective. Hate is cheap. You don't need a winning team. Let other teams sign expensive free agents. Sell your fans on hating them.
And Baltimore rose to the challenge yesterday! They hated Mark Teixiera like the NY Post hates Al Sharpton. And with good reason, too! After all, he's from Maryland, and he didn't accept less money to play for the Orioles. (Who never offered close to what the Redsocks, Yanks and Angels socked-up.) Not willing to take a paycut? Hate him. Makes perfect sense.
Of course, Baltimore will have to hone its hatred. When Teixeira gets to Boston, they'll scream about his wife. That's art.
Yep, folks. Civic pride! By mid-summer, maybe the O's can compete with Boston, hating even more than the Redsocks (who built their organization around hating the Yankees.) The clubs can have a hate-off. Which crowd swears the loudest! Who burns the largest effigy! Who yells the most offensive taunts! Which city can wear the ugliest face!
Wait? Are we leaving out Cleveland?
Damn. They'll have reason to hate Sabathia. After all, he didn't accept less money to play for them.
Baltimore should get used to booing. They'll do a lot of it this year.
It was a longshot, but since when do Yank fans want less than perfection?
Some problems?
1. Sleek Brian Bruney, the movie star, sure must be wowing the Starbucks countergirls these days. He and Subway's Jared could probably knock back 20 salads in a pinch. But his fastball has also slimmed down. If we had an 8th inning bridge yesterday, we might have seen Mariano.
2. Xavier Nady, the gentleman runner, when caught between third and home, merely shrugs, winces and holds out his little handsies to be mercifully tagged. No reason to force a throw. Just stand there. You've been caught. In the spirit of friendship, let them tag you out. Maybe this team needs a dose of Nick Swisher and Shelley Duncan.
3. Robbie the Robot Cano. He actually drew a walk, but in the late innings, with a runner on base and a 3-2 count, he flailed at two pitches outside the strike zone. (He ended up hitting a single, so it didn't cost us anything.) Pitch discipline? He's never going to have any until his career is threatened. That's a shame.
4. CC and Teix. Give them time. Coming to New York knocks every player for a loop. Remember Giambi's trial? I remember Catfish Hunter getting bombed in his first start as a Yankee. Frank Messer's voice was shaking.
Must. Win. Tomorrow.
1. U.S. Rep. John Sweeney from Albany arrested for DWI with woman sitting on lap.
2. Democrat nobody Kristen Gillibrand beats Sweeney in 2006 election.
3. Gov. Eliot Spitzer resigns after being caught with high-priced prostitute wearing socks to knees.
4. New Gov. David Paterson takes over.
5. Paterson appoints Gillibrand to U.S. Senate.
6. Election to fill Gillibrand's seat too close to call.
6. Former U.S. Rep. John Sweeney arrested this week for DWI. (This time, no woman on lap.)
7. Spitzer goes on national TV to explain kinky needs.
8. Yanks open new stadium.
Fearful of the Beltway Islamo-Communism that threatens the country they love, the patriots at the Yankees' YES network blacked out transmission while the Orioles' hand-picked Vice-Traitor Joe "Stalin" Biden threw the first pitch.
Maybe Joe The Plumber will do the honors at Yankee "Stadium." Meanwhile, turn the game off and watch Glenn Beck at 5:00; he'll have the skinny on all those secret FEMA concentration camps!
Oh, shit. First Oriole to face CC reaches. He's a bad pitcher after all!
Update: Two Orioles on, nobody out! DUMP CC, EAT HIS SALARY!!
Update: He's really fat and slow! And now Jorge is trotting to the mound, just to make him feel bad for not being able to trot!
Update: The Yankees are going to lose this game. When's Glenn Beck on?
Update: Jeter gets third out because he's old and doesn't have any range. Fat CC is saved by ancient Derek!
Update: The Yankees are going to win this game.
Update: The Yankees are going to lose this game.
Update: Secular humanist tax-and-spenders John & Suzyn are interviewing Biden on the radio. Suzyn's gushing over Obama like he's young Ted Lilly.
Eight games. Minimum. Eight.
I've been reading predictions by top experts (ESPN, Boston Globe, Alphonso) that claim the Redsocks are the team to beat.
They are fools.
As anyone who visits this website knows, we struggle every day to maintain a strict code of impartiality. If we lose that, we would lose our credibility, which is the most sacred quality we possess.
Fuckit. Make it 9 games. That's how sure I am.
Hell, we collapsed last year due to an Italian earthquake (Note: This is called alluding to the news of the day) of injuries. Arod went down, we were screwed but fought back. Jorge went down, we were screwed but fought back. Hideki went down, we were screwed but fought back. Chien-Ming Wang went down, we were royally screwed and stayed royally screwed.
This winter, we bought the three best humans available.
We rolled three off-seasons of buying free agents into one.
Considering that our players have healed (except for one Italian earthquake of a distraction!), our pitching prospects, and the Big Three, the Yanks will win this thing by nine (9).
Fuckit. Make it 10.
Bet the house in Italy.
There has been a growing volume of dis-jointed and alarming noise drifting in from the West.
First, we hear that A-Rod's hip will take the less invasive treatment option, rather than the major surgery for which I was hoping.
Stories initially surface about a return target close to the All Star game. OK, a lot can happen in half a year.
Then, the wonders of a young body healing indicate a possible " earlier return." Aren't we lucky ?
I start to ingest Xanax and Immodium when I hear that A-Rod could be back by the end of May.
Now, there are reports that he is "70% ready and swinging a bat." Swinging it against the air, which is his one dependable performance asset during " big moments " that count.
I check into the Monterey Hospital for stress and "lack of orientation " when a story bleeds across the internet that A-Rod could be back by the end of April.
What if he comes back on the first sunny day of this young season? What if he shows up tonight in Baltimore?
The only reason things are currently going well for the Yankees of 2009 is that A-Rod isn't here. The team can win it all without him. They will not win it all with him.
Mark my words. This "quick healing " of our big dog is all bad news for the Yankees.
I have called Carl Pavano to take A-Rod for a ride in his convertible, with two or three trainees from Hooters .
Find that garbage truck route, quickly.
Bringing A-Rod back to this team before it gets rolling is like adding mercury to our drinking water.
(For Brett Gardner)
Congratulations, rookie!
You made the team today!
Your times will go fast,
O, the games that you’ll play!
As the years fly away…
You’ll enter that box with both hands trembling hard,
1. Big fan of Ben Affleck.
2. Peter Gammons spoke at elementary school graduation.
3. Fell in love with Drew Barrymore in "Fever Pitch."
4. Dennis Leary is just so hilarious -- and right on!
5. Curt Schilling actually leaves comments on blog!
6. Great classic rock band, Boston.
7. Likes how they stood up to Manny.
8. Theo Epstein always has best weed.
... There is something very cold and gray about it."
Keep in mind: This from diehard Yank fans.
That's the real story, and it's long overdue.
The NY Times, after putting up with Taliban Today for the last 20 years, is finally deciding to do something.
Shut down Osama bin Shaughnessy and his Redsock Nation Gammonite Gazette.
We say, bravo, goddammat!
It's about time somebody with an NY on his forehead stood up for Yankee ingenuity and widowed a couple lines off the Redsock Nation B-copy nutjobs who even now are trying to drive their Jason Blair-whittled wooden stakes of fear into our hearts... by claiming that Daniel Bard is the Second Coming of Curt!
Yes, that's what the Beantown Bards are saying:
Daniel Bard throws fastballs at the speed of light. He throws so hard that time suspends itself, and the laws of physics no longer apply -- much less the laws of journalism.
Daniel Bard... this year's Clay Buckholtz.
Not buying it, folks.
Not. Buying. It.
Shut them down. Send Jason Zillo to clean up the place.
Stick a big -30- at the end of this story, Gordon Edes!
This from the wires:
Wong was the "kind of guy who would come in mad one day and shoot people," said Kevin Greene, who described himself as a former co-worker of the alleged shooter at a Shop Vac assembly plant that had since closed, the New York Daily News reported.
Greene said that he had asked Wong -- who also used Jiverly Voong as an alias -- whether he liked the New York Yankees.
"He said, 'No, I don't like that team. I don't like America. America sucks," Greene said.
THIS IS HARD TO RESIST
Dear friend,
Let me start by introducing myself. I am Mr. Jun Huan of HSH Nordbank AG, Hong Kong. I have an obscured business suggestions for you.
In November, 1999, Ahmad Fahmi, an Indonesian, a contractor with the Iraqi Government and also a businessman, made a Time investment of (US $24.5M) Twenty-Four million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars only in my branch (HSH Nordbank AG) under secured growth funds for (60) sixty calendar months.
This investment has matured and has been lying in our Bank reserve for the pass two year. Under the Hong Kong Banking laws, any time investment unclaimed after Eight and half years will be turned over to the Hong Kong Government purse.
Upon maturity several notices was sent to him. Another notification was sent last year and still no responses came from him in reply. Early This year, it was later discover that the Ahmad Fahmi and his dead family were killed in a convoy attack in Musol, Iraq.
After further investigation it was also discovered that Ahmad Fahmi did not declare any next of kins in his official papers including the paper works of his Bank deposit. And he also confided in me the last time he was standing in my Office that no one except me and him knew of his deposit in my Bank.
My suggestion to you is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin to Ahmad Fahmi so that you will be able to receive these funds to your possessioning for the both of us.
I have contacted an Attorney that will prepare the necessary document that will back you up as the next of kin to Ahmad Fahmi. All which is required from you at this stage is for you to provide me with your Full names, Addresses, direct telephone and fax numbers so that the Attorney can commence his jobbing.
After you have been made the next of kin, the Attorney will also fill infor claims on your behalf and secure the necessary approval and letter of probate in your favor for the transfer of the millions of funds to your nominated bank account.
We are going adopt a legalized method and the Attorney will prepare all necessary document. Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matter concerning these issue.
Reply strictly if you are interested with the requested information via my personal email address to enable my Attorney commences his job immediately.
Sincerely,
Mr. Jun Huan
We're in the Dead Zone of Yankee news, like the hours before election day. Everything is about to happen, and yet nothing is happening.
We're supposed to watch the battle between Ramiro Pena and Angel Berroa? Debate the waiver wire?
No, we're supposed to pay homage -- we already paid taxes -- to a stadium we didn't need. We're supposed to beat the drum to sell tickets at prices no one could pay in a boom time, much less in a rapidly spiking, full-blown depression.
Today, we get another 4-hour infomercial for a team that had us at, "Play ball."
All that can happen is for someone to get hurt. If Jeter busts his pinkie, from now on, he plays with a busted pinkie.
But it's worse than that. I hate these two fake games against the Cubs.
Don't get me wrong. I hope every fan has a fantastic time, that no player gets hurt, and the sun shines on all of us. I just hate how the team gouges its fan base. I hate the difference between this year and last.
Last year, when we played at Virginia Tech, Yankee fans were never prouder. For my money, Alex Rodriguez' greatest Yankee moment came when he sat in the Hokies dugout. We loved him for that. Those are the images that go into the psychic folder next to the pictures of Ruth and Mantle. Those are the memories that sustain us through times of loss.
This year, we have a different image of Arod and the organization:
Excess.
Yesterday, we saw an unbelievable massacre in my former home: Binghamton -- a pure-hearted Yankee city. Whitey Ford pitched there. Joe Pepitone was beloved. Thurman Munson played there. Right now, I'm typing this below a framed front page of The Binghamton Sun-Bulletin on August 3, 1979. It has one story: "Munson is Killed."
Well, we all knew where the Yanks would go this year. We traded a historical treasure for a gold-plated luxury box. Today, we're supposed to celebrate the disco, the steakhouse, the TV screens and the new Hard Rock Cafe.
If you're going, enjoy it. Don't think about what's missing.
But the Yankiverse will never be the same.
And next year, around this time, how about a game in upstate New York.
That's how it looks on TV.
It's as if they spent a $1 billion to revamp the bridge of "Star Trek," but they didn't change the hokey flashing lights, for fear of pissing off the nutbag Trekkies.
I'm sure the steakhouse is great. I bet the toilets flush, and the luxury boxes have lapdance cubicles.
But sorry, folks, on TV -- which is how it matters to 98 percent of the nutbag Trekkie Yankiverse -- it just looks the same.
Check out this detailed AP analysis:
"While everyone else was saving their pennies, the New York Yankees were spending big. Defying the economic crisis, they forked over $423.5 million to put Mark Teixeira, CC Sabathia and A.J. Burnett in pinstripes for the team's first season in a new $1.5 billion Yankee Stadium. But all that cash couldn't keep Alex Rodriguez out of the steroids scandal or the operating room. It won't guarantee New York a return to the playoffs, either. Not in a rugged division that also includes rival Boston and American League champion Tampa Bay.""
I don't blame AP. They have to keep it simple. But this is frustrating. These 30-word team digests only work for out-sourced phone operators in Mumbai, India, so they can act local.
"Hullo... Time-Warner... My name is Jeff. Can I hup you?"
"Frickin' cable’s out! I can’t get the Yankee game."
"Ahh, that be vety bed news, what with Yanks defying financial crisis to having fork over $423.5 million to put Mark Tex-eeeee-ra, SeeSa Batha and Haji Burnett in pinstripe for first season in new stadium!"
"Wow, buddy. You really know your stuff."
"Beeg fan. But despite all cash, it not keep Alex Rodriguez out of the steroids scandal or the operating room. And won't guarantee New York return to playoffs in rug division that also include arch rival Boston and American League champion Tampa Bay!"
"Jeez, man, you said it. Now what about my service? What's going on?"
"Yes. 'What's going on?' The 1970 protest song by Marvin Gaye..."
Nothing to do with the Yankees, but here's a video that made us laugh....
White People Problems
Oh, wait, I meant continue.
Whatever. Clear out time on your schedule this coming Tuesday. The following is from the QVC program guide!!!
Yankee Stadium - The Inaugural Season - from Yankee Stadium in Bronx, NY
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
08:00 - 10:00 PM ET
The 2009 Major League Baseball season marks the beginning of an era. It's the first season America's favorite pastime will be played in the new Yankee Stadium. Join us as we celebrate this historic season, live from the new stadium, with commemorative apparel, memorabilia and collectibles. Don't miss the start of a new legacy for this great American baseball team as we celebrate the New York Yankees® during Yankee Stadium - The Inaugural Season.
Last winter, from these frozen zones,
I touted him -- heard only groans;
Now comes my turns for righteous tones:
We shoulda sprung for Andruw Jones.
I didn't call for Griffey clones,
Or tout some Ivan Calderons;
But now I say -- and it takes stones --
We shoulda sprung for Andruw Jones.
Their names should be inscribed into the stadium's loading dock.
Drew Henson
Ricardo Aramboles
Wily Mo Pena
Jackson Melian
Ruben Rivera
Hensley Muelens
Kats Maeda
El Duquecito
They're the elite '90's superprospects, the master thieves we wooed via financial muscle, the former Ruths and Gehrigs of the future.
Remember Henson? The quarterback behind Tom Brady. We paid him to quit football. He was going to play 3B, form a Michigan connection with Jeter, and there would never even be an ARod.
Remember Aramboles? He was the next Marichal, Wily Mo the next Vladimir, Melian the next Jackson -- everybody the next somebody. Except that they were probably 26. Remember how we traded Drew, then dealt Wily Mo to get Drew back? Yeesh.
I dare you to calculate the money we pissed away on those bums. We'll make AIG look frugal.
Of the boats we signed in bidding wars, only Jose Contreras and Alphonso Soriano floated. We flubbed Contreras. We dealt Alphonso for the Mirror Master.
So now what? We're expecting 600 career HRs (at catcher, no less) from millionaire Jesus Montero. We're clicking heels that millionaire Ivan Nova got bounced back to us by San Diego, (assuming that 20 percent of the bonuses we paid either of them actually got there.)
What happens to teen-age millionaires from Third World countries? Does the wealth compel success?
Well, aint our money. But maybe -- just maybe -- the key, organizationally, is to teach and nurture the talent we have, not to just bid the world on the biggest Latino necksize in the pre-puberty sweepstakes. Because they won't be the next Mariano, the next Mattingly. They'll be the next Aramboles, the next Wilo Mo.
The worst part of this is how our organization coddled these bums. We paved their way through the system. We sat cheaper, hungrier prospects on the bench, to get them out of the way. A lot of them - the Marcus Thames, the Zack Days - had decent careers.
Wily Mo is done. Have we learned?
NEW YORK _ Maintaing a grand tradition of April Fool's day hilarity, the New York Yankees today announced that their opening day team members will dress like girls.
The spoof -- it's not really true, but a joke -- would include makeup, wigs, "spiked" heels and falsies, said Yankee public relations "hoaxmaker" Jason Zillo, who quickly noted that he was just joining in the merriment of April 1, the day in which clinically unfunny people say fake things and then shout, "APRIL FOOL!"
"The Yankee lineup will include Diedre Jeter -- heh-heh -- Joannie Damon and Hilda Matsui, APRIL FOOL," Zillo chortled, in a conference call with reporters. "With Brette Gardner, Andi Pettitte and -- hold on a second, let me catch my breath -- Millie Cabrera.
"The Yankees think that having players dress like girls, APRIL FOOL, will be great, as long as the ladies don't drive to the stadium," Zillo continued, halting to blow his nose.
"We can't have lady drivers, because they'd dent the team bus," he said, with a mischievous grin. "But we'll put extra mirrors in the dugout, so they can powder their noses. Also, the umps will have a hard time calling pitches, because the girls will have their great big teats hanging over the plate.
"Hopefully, opening day will not fall at the wrong time of the month," Zillo said, wiping tears. "But we figure, as long as the players use those Cotexes, the Tampon things -- whatever -- they won't have their periods and bleed on the brand new bases. April Fool. Actually, we're more concerned that after one has been playing the field, she'll get pregnant and have the baby while running the basepaths. Maybe we'll boil the placentas and eat them? hahahaha, seriously though, April Fool."
A few of our fans have wondered why I've been absent of late. Well...
I've had to reassess my loyalties and have concluded that I'm not really a Yankee fan.
I haven't lived in New York for longer than I care to say. Some guy named Levine (a Hebrew!) runs our team and the Boss is now an invalid with 2 idiot sons entrusted with changing his diaper and the daily dusting of the Lou Saban shrine. And now Lou is dead. It's just too much to bear.
I think about some of my favorite Yanks: the Babe, Wade Boggs, Johnny Damon. They were all redsocks. Tex was almost one as was the magnificent Arod. What can I conclude from this?
Due to health issues, iconic public address announcer Bob Sheppard, a recent Yankee Employee of the Month, will miss the home opener.
This leaves these options:
a) Cancel the home opener.
b) Have no public address announcer.
c) Ryan Seacrest.
Nobody replaces the Voice of God. We wish Mr. Sheppard a speedy recovery. But -- scanning the globe to bring you the constant variety of sports -- we have found three human voices that modulate the grace, resonance and timber to stand-in as temporary replacements -- the Cody Ransoms of announcing -- for this historic event.
alias
Imagine the Homeric calls:
"Mm-mm... Jeeeeeter."
"Mariano... Woo-HOO!"
"Ladies and gentlemen, won’t you please rise and join us in honoring America with in the singing of — DO-OH! WHY YOOOU LITTLE... I’M GONNA KILL YOU!"
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