Superhero collections continued: If the Yankees were the Traveling Wilburys

George Harrison

Bob Dylan

Tom Petty

Roy Orbison

Jeff Lynne

Jim Keltner

Yankee batters prove that a 40-year-old who hasn't done anything in the last 15 months can still be effective

Andy Pettitte may or may not make it back, but any lingering doubts that it can be done were scuttled by Yankee batters today. They proved that Kevin Millwood - yes Kevin Millwood - can still excel after 40. That has to boost Pettitte's confidence, and he should thank the Yankee hitters for the psychic boost. With every out - especially with the bases loaded - Yankee batters were saying, "You can do it, Andy."

Was this the juju that ended our dominance over the Redsocks

He buried his dad in left field.

Manny probably spat upon the grave 1,000 times.

Is this what wacko Redsock fans do to win? And must we respond in kind?

Today is Andy-Mo Day - the day we see the effects of age and inactivity

John Sterling is right. Most key moments in a season happen without anybody predicting them. Jayson Nix bops a lazy fungo to the wall, and kaboom, we lose our closer. Robbie Cano hits a grand slam, and suddenly bang, his slump is over. It's the tweak of a muscle or the tweak of a swing. Don Henley called it a New York minute. William Blake called it eternity in an hour. It's neither. In one moment, our entire season changes. And we won't know until weeks have passed.

But today, we see one coming down the rails. Today, we see what age and inactivity can do to a great pitcher. Today, we see what Mariano is up against when he tries to return next year.

That's not to suggest we'll know anything today. Andy could get bombed, then get it together next week. Or the opposite. But today, we will see some hard answers to thorny questions: How hard is he throwing? Can he get off the mound? Does he still have the pickoff? Are batters zeroing in? Are they hitting shots? Is there hope?

In July 2013, Mariano might have a day just like this. Today, we get to see whether there is hope for this year - and to ever see the Great Rivera pitch again.

Encore IIH presentation: Cashman Hears a Hughes

In the dead of December, the town of N.Y.
He was surfing the Internet site, IT IS HIGH,
He was knee deep in twitters, way late in the night,
When Cashman the G.M. said, “Something’s not right!”

He heard a small voice, like the squeak of a squawk.
“It’s Santana!” it said. “He has gone on the block!”
Then he heard it again, just a tiny sad groan,
Like some gas from the cheeks of Sir Sidney Ponson,
He untwittered his twitters and picked up the phone.

A Poem for the Call I Received Last Night

O, the grand new pusher polls!
They want to know your view.
They call you up to ask some things,
And whisper some to you.

O, the grand new focus groups!

They know just what you think,
They know the magazines you read,
And brand of beer you drink.
 

O, the grand new ad campaigns!

They’re smarter every year.
They shake that basket in your dreams,
And rouse the snakes you fear.

Get used to games like last night; Jesus Montero is going to hit a lot of home runs against us

From Day I of Brian's Botch, we knew last night was coming. We knew Jesus Montero would arrive in NYC and smack one, the first of many - every one a poke in the eye. We just never imagined that the Yankees would sacrifce Jesus for nothing. Which is what we did.

So when he homered last night, I fell into one of those depressed Yankee fan states that none of us are proud of. I was listening to John and Suzyn, and I knew they felt the same:

"Good. Make it hurt. Make everybody feel the pain."

That's what happens when the Yankees piss you off so much that you want them to suffer. You want them to experience the pain that you are feeling. Suzyn mentioned that Jesus was doing a fine job catching, leaving listeners to fill in the blanks. She noted that Tony Pena last spring had stressed how young Montero was, and how nobody could project his future behind the plate. And she mentioned that the Yankees won several championships with an offensive catcher who made himself a competent backstop. You knew they were feeling it: We had talked ourselves into the notion that this kid couldn't catch, and we were bent on trading him - no matter what. At that moment, I wished the Yankees put Brian Cashman's picture on the Jumbotron and gave every member of the jeering throng an onion to throw.

But we skated. Or at least Cashman did. We skated because Raul Obanez homered in the bottom of the inning, eliminating the speculation before it had a chance to grow. We were lucky last night.

But in the course of a great career, numbers pile up. If Montero plays to age 35, he might hit 400 home runs. (Or he could be a bust, too.) If so, he'll hit 20 to 30 home runs against us. That's 20 to 30 pokes in the eyes. Bring your own onions.

More Superhero Collection Adaptations: If the Yankees were the X-Men

Wolverine

Angel

Cyclops

Beast

Iceman

Storm

Professor X

Josh Beckett tops latest Redsock Nation sh-tlist rankings

1. Josh Beckett
2. Carl Crawford
3. Bobby V
4. Youk
5. John Henry
6. Papelbon (in absentia)
7. Yankees
8. Eli Manning
9. Bucky F. Dent
10. Chlamydia

Gardner gone for May?

That's what they're saying. Elbow. Can't swing a bat for 10 days. At least 10 days. This sucks.

For a guy who bats ninth and pops 4 dingers a year - (in a town that measures hitters by HRs) - Brett Gardner was becoming the Reggiesque straw that stirs the cocktail. The clunkers who replace him in LF patrol like statues of George Steinbrenner. It's easy to imagine his absence costing a run per game. And most of our pitchers aren't good enough to overcome a ball dropping that should have been caught.

Moreover, without Gardner roiling the bases, we become a team of free-swinging hot water heaters, moving base to base, like travelers kicking their luggage along the floor in an airport.  With the exception of Grandy and Nuni - who is becoming the utility man with no defensive utility - we have only "smart" runners, who don't make mistakes. Nobody disrupts a pitcher like Gardner, especially after he draws a walk.

Worst part of this is the movie deja vu: We've seen this film. A week turns into a month, then it's Tommy John, then it's 2013, with Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon kissing in the box seats. Any time an elbow barks in the Yankiverse, it's like a bell going off in "It's a Wonderful Life," but instead of an angel getting her wings, she's being forced to pole dance on the back of a transit bus in Calgary - or something like that. Maybe not that. I dunno. Something bad though.

This weekend, at some point, Jesus Montero will probably catch a game against his old team. Gards won't be there to make him squirm. This is bad. This is really bad.

Essay question for today: Did the knee injury save Mariano's life?

Here's one for the fate crowd (of which we are active members.)

Rivera doesn’t know whether the blood clot was there before he suffered his knee injury last Thursday, as he hadn’t experienced any pain or soreness in his calf prior to this week. Still, the closer acknowledged that the clot wouldn’t have been found if not for the ACL tear.
.Yep. There's a chance that it was already there, and that one day, in any kind of situation, the greatest closer - hell, the greatest Yankee? - in history could have been taken down by something nobody knew. It would be like a combination of Thurman Munson and Lou Gehrig. He wrecks his knee, he has tests, and they find it. Who knows?
 .
“Maybe it is a blessing; I always see it like that,” Rivera said. “I always say that things happen for a good reason.”

If the Yankees were the Avengers...

Captain America

Tony Stark

Thor

The Hulk

Hawkeye

Black Widow

Nick Fury

Loki

Bad omens keep piling up for Yankees, Redsocks

Yesterday, Carl Beane, the Voice of Fenway Park, died in a car accident. Very sad. As much we want pro-Redsock operatives boiled in oil or whipped to the brink of insanity, we never root for Mr. D to visit. Very sad.

While this was happening, more or less, the Yankiverse was being stunned by reports that Mariano Rivera has a blood clot, which means doctors must wait before cutting open his knee. This news pales compared to a death, but it's a grim reminder of the darknesses that lurk nearby. Clots are serious business.

Together, this is like a team of black horses pulling up to the ballpark, just as the players arrive. All spring, both teams have suffered psychic suckerpunches - boom, boom, boom - suggesting a long, hard year.

Of course, we could reverse that momentum Sunday, when Andy pitches. A strong outing would restore hope. But at the other side of the precipice lurks the vision of Jesus Montero homering off him, perhaps the most painful omen yet in this terror-filled season.

Something must happen to turn this season around, and it must come within the next few weeks. I'm not talking about one game. Somebody has to emerge from the current malaise: Cano, Arod, Tex, Gardner, Andy, Hughes, somebody, anybody. He's gotta walk through the door and change the dynamics.

John's Takeaway Points from Last Night

David Robertson was always going to have a night like this. You can't get down on David Robertson. We knew this would happen. Nobody throws scoreless innings forever. We had been saying this for weeks. David Robertson was going to have a night like this. The Yankees just have to pick themselves up and play hard tonight. Because CC Sabathia will be pitching. And one thing that separates baseball from other sports is the difference between starting pitchers. In football, the same two teams go out there and play the next game. But in baseball, the teams have different starting pitchers. So tonight, the Yankees will have their ace on the mound, and it will be an entirely different game. But it's a game the Yankees need to win. And they have to still feel good about the way David Robertson has pitched. He was always going to have a night like this. And everyone will hear a lot more about this on Suzyn's Clubhouse Report.

What hurts the most? Introducing the Yankee Fan Pain Index

What events create the most Yankee pain? (I'm excluding injuries, rather than give the juju gods any ideas.)

1. A blown save, (reminder of Mariano.)
.
2. A hot smash that finds an overshifted infielder, (reminder of our inflexibility.)
.
3. A big game by Jesus Montero in Seattle, (reminder of trade.)
.
4. Dearth of hitting by middle of order.
.
5. Starter bombed.
.
6. Squandering multi-hit game by Jeter.
.
7. Error by Nunez.
.
8. TIE: Ian Kennedy victory in Arizona/Austin Jackson hitting in Detroit.
.
9. Big game by AJ Burnett, (may exist only in theory.)
.
10. Seeing Freddy in bullpen.

Hello From TSMDFL !!

The bus from New York dropped me off in Juarez where, about four margueritas later, I boarded a Mexican Cruiseliner for the southern district of Mexico.

16 hours of non-stop travel brought me to my second home, "Rosie's Cantina," a stone's throw from 3rd base on the SMDFL ( South Mexico Dirt Field League ) practice field.

The NY Yankees are a distant memory, although Rosie says, " they get hot once you out..."

I had to leave America because my career-developed skills at Negative Ju-Ju were failing, and showed no signs of returning.  I felt like a combination of Michael Pineda and Dellin Bettances.  My arm was limp and I coudn't find the plate.

So I will stay here with the SSMDFL team until I see signs of returning skills in my own playmaking.

A short-term "bellweather" will be the initial reports on how ANDY
  does on Sunday.

Meanwhile, it is in the 90's here and there is no sign of rain.

The bean fields are ripening, and we have enough lime each day for marking home to first and home to third.

 The outfield foul line markers are pretty much left to the imagination.

I am relaxed but empty.

Cervesa and tacos will cure that.

The Day Superman Showed Mantle & Maris Up

Superman's Pal, Jimmy Olsen #60, April, 1962

What do the Beastie Boy, Goober and Maurice Sendak have in common

They each died, and the Yankees won that day.

Vidal Sassoon died today.

We're leading 1-0.

Just sayin'.

Reasons why Josh Beckett played golf a day after being scratched from a start

1. Why, pshaw, it was just a jolly-good day for 18 holes.

2. Nothing heals a hammy like fresh air.

3. Now, a game of tennis, that would be absurd.

4. Maybe he would chance upon old Tito on the 19th.

5. Goodness, a chap shouldn't waste valuable tee-time.

6. Wanted to see what Skipper V would say.

7. Beats sitting around clubhouse, tippling.

8. Needed intense workout to stay in top shape.

9. Sought practice for skins match against Lackey.

10. Doesn't Mitt Romney play golf?

"Im The Straw That Stirs The Drink"

Reggie Jackson in No-Man's Land, the notorious Sport Magazine article from 1977

Via our heroes at River Avenue Blues

Hate to be a nudge but we can't beat the overshift simply by hitting home runs

Big Yankee victory last night. (Note: Every Yankee victory is a big Yankee victory.) But our Avengers did not dent Joe Loki's diabolical overshift. And until we do, the Skrulls are going to own our immortals.

We simply hit home runs. Nice. But you don't win the WS by just hitting home runs. Mark Teixeira, Thor, who has been coughing blood all season, drove a huge double down the right-field line - biggest hit of the game. Great hit. But he's pulling the ball even worse.

I would give anything to see him have a 4-hit game, where he simply dribbled fungoes through the shortstop hole into left field. Frankly, I don't think he can do it. I don't think he'll try, until things get much worse.

If all we do is try and hit home runs over the overshifts, they are going to be our death.

Yankeetorial: If the Rangers win the Stanley Cup, NYC will be over its assigned allotment of 2012 championships

If the ghosts of Eddie Giacomin win, that’s two NYC rings in one year - too much for Gotham-hating America to accept. The star chamber that runs this country will never let the Yankees bring championship No. 3 to Gomorrah. We must make provisions.

Scientists and school teachers will claim there is no link between the Rangers and Jersey Gints success and how we do. Screw them. We never win in a Giant Super Bowl year. As for the Rangers, they win so rarely that nobody has a read on it.

But if the Rangers do drink from the Stanley Cup, the World Illuminati will start undermining the Yankees. The fix will be in. No GM will trade with us. Opposing fan bases will mobilize, and pizza delivery boys will spit into the sauce. Somebody will give Teixeira advanced bronchitis. Did KC install a drain pipe in its outfield to wreck Mo's knee?

Worst of all how it affects the Steinboys. If the Yankees win, they'll be ostracized in the billionaire club. They'll lose tee times and be excluded from big parties. They've bent over to accept restrictions on Yankee spending, merely telling Selig the paddler, "Thank you, sir, I'll have another." But with two NYC championships, they'll be looking to trade Cano to Seattle for another young pitching prospect - anything to avoid a third ring.

NYC is not going to win three championships in one year. (Thank God for the Knicks: That late 1990s dynasty was as much due to Isaiah Thomas as Paul O'Neill.)

Nonmissing Links

Mariano Rivera's surgeon revealed

Sunscreen day May 13th

Arrogant clown understands Bryce facepaint

Tonight's question: Who would be the "underwear Bomber?"

Tim Haines
Kevin Thong
Tommy Longjohn
Jockey Damon
Bra Gardner
FruitoftheBoone Logan
CC Spanxthia
Scott Kamienicker

Kid bids Hub fans hello

Put him in the Hall. Why wait.

Seattle spikes the football

"The Mariners and Yankees -- who meet at Yankee Stadium beginning Friday -- have an interesting trade history. We know, of course, about the Jay Buhner deal, which went in the Mariners' favor, and the Tino Martinez deal, which didn't. There was the near-trade of Montero for Cliff Lee in July of 2010 that caused some tension.  And I was recently reminded that there was a disputed trade with the Yankees way back in 1982, when the Mariners were just five years old..."

Overshifts, Round 2

Tonight, evil Joe Maddon brings his fiendish charts and graphs to town, and every smoked liner that finds the glove of an overshifted infielder will sting even more than it did in the season's first games.

If we cannot beat Tampa's defense, not only are we fighting for third, but eventually, we will face overshifts by every team.

Hitting has always been about adjustments. Tampa adjusted to us. If we cannot adjust to their adjustment, another nail goes into the coffin of this season. It's simple: Knock them out of their allignments, and watch their pitchers turn against the strategy. We can break them. What we can't do is try to drive the ball through them.

In rejecting austerity, Euro voters send urgent message to Steinbrothers regime

Honest social lugnuts across Europe - cobblers, smithys and work-doers, folks whose grandpappies watched Yankee lineups decimated by World War II - have rejected austerity and are telling the Yank braintrust: Don't cut payroll, you stewpid American peegs.

They realize that super-heirs Hal and Hank Steinbrenner's fiscal policies - vowing to cut budget, avoid Selig taxes and let Texas oil money rule the AL - have failed like Mickey Mantle's liver.

The current administration barely bid a nickel on Yu Darvish. It passed on Humanis Centepedis, the Prince and the Pujol. It won the rights to Hiroki Nakajima, an intriguing Japanese SS-2B, then didn't even try to sign him. (Could we end up seriously regretting this?) Our trade deficit has been rediculous. Our gross team BA and ERA mirror those of the Great Depression.

We are the global leader for pro sports... two games above .500.

That's not American pride. That's winter in Madagascar. 

Let's hope Hal and Hank watch BBC now and then. If so, they can glimpse the Yankee riots of next spring, with angry fans marching in the streets, clicking TV remotes in protest. Instead of Guy Fawkes faces, we will be wearing masks of Jesus Montero. 

The Steinbrothers must listen to the growing fury on the Yankee street. It is rejecting austery and calling for change.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Yogi Berra for White CLOVERINE Brand SALVE

Future Yankee Cole Hamels hits future Yankee Bryce Harper

Hamels, who will become a free agent this winter - when the Yankees could be heroin-junky desperate to compensate for a disastrous 2012 - admits that he threw at Harper, who grew up a pyscho Yankee fan, chose his number because it adds up to Mickey Mantle's 7, and was criticized for tweeting pro-Yankee cheers last October.

I trust these natural foes will unite in Pinstripes.

Yankeetorial: The team we need to beat is coming to NY

The Oriole Spring has wreaked havoc on the power structure of the AL East. Nevertheless, Showalter's insurgents will probably fade, as they have done in the past. There is still the months of June, July, August and September to play. It's a long season.

But Tampa is not Baltimore.

If Mariano never returns, the Rays will remember their last meeting with him and smile. Years ago, we could harumph at Tampa's youth: Pick first for a decade, and you ought to improve. (See Nats, Washington). But Tampa has contended since 2008. They're not drafting high any more. When they unveil young stars, while we waive Andrew Brackmans, we can't blame our draft slot. They're just doing it right. And make no mistake: Tampa could run away with the AL East and turn our October into a one-game free-for-all.

Listen: No MLB season ends in May. Fans scream, fans moan, fans do what fans do in the privacy of their homes, but secretly, we all know that the season, no matter how prophetic or tumultuous it may seem, cannot end in May. Nope-er. No way.

But a Yankee week is like a month on the Royals. That's why Giambi and Damon wanted so desperately to wear pinstripes. Tommy John, who played in Chicago and Los Angeles, said neither compared to the Yankees, "the Cadillac."

Perpetual crises take their toll. (See Redsocks, Boston.) We've already reached our seasonal limit. 

If we flub this series - go 0-3 or 1-3 - we will still have June, July, August and September to catch up.

I just don't understand why anybody would believe we will.

Andy wows Rochester

Fourteen thousand people turned out to watch him pitch last night. For Rochester, that nearly puts him in the league with Nick Tahou.

A least a quarter of the crowd left once Pettitte left the mound after the fifth inning.

Best part of this news report: It doesn't even mention the team Andy was playing.

Greatest Blog in the Yankiverse

Was Watching.

Victory at Kansas City?

Well, we won. We beat the Royals. Two out of four. And we lose our best pitcher for the season. I met a Redsock fan yesterday, and it was painful. Usually, he's in my face. He's all over whatever has happened that is bad. This time, nothing. No smirking. No sadistic grin. Sheepish slump to the shoulders. Same with me. Just looked at him, saw all those buttons waiting to be pushed, did nothing. Said nothing. Finally, he just shook his head and said, "I think this is the year we both go down." And I agreed. It's come to this. Two wins in Kansas City. Coming home to play Tampa with our tails between our legs. And one of these days Jesus Montero will be playing in the stadium for Seattle. Maybe this IS the year.

Jeet in same class as Judge Judy?

News you can use...

The Daily Gazette
April 30, 2012 Monday
Schenectady/Albany; Final Edition

BYLINE: MICHAEL GOOT; Gazette Reporter

An all-star shortstop and a sharp-tongued TV judge top the list of speakers at commencement ceremonies at Capital Region colleges this spring...

New York Yankees baseball player Derek Jeter is receiving an honorary doctor of humane letters degree from Siena College in recognition of his leadership qualities and his charitable work with his Turn 2 Foundation that aims to help at-risk youth.

Read more >>

Ruthian hitting Jeet named IT IS HIGH LUNCHABLES APRIL YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

Congratulations, Derek Jeter. Last of the Core.

Sigh. These days, nothing seems the same. It's as if the air has been sucked out of this season. Am I alone here? Since April, we've taken one kick to the groin after another. We squandered Jeter's great month - a legacy month we should be treasuring - just left it on the side of the road. Our farm system looks barren, our front office has been personally and professional disgraced, our owners say their highest priority is cutting costs, and our team is full of stars in decline - if not freefall.

Yes, we often slog through May. Yes, there's plenty of time to turn this around. Cano will hit (unless nobody protects him). Swisher will return (but maybe not hit.) Andy will arrive (but how much can he bring?) Who on this team is going to turn it around? Jeter? The guy hit .400 in April. Can he do more?

Congratulations, Captain.

Sigh. It's not your fault. 

IIH Golden Oldie: "It's Only May, But Hey..."

IT'S ONLY MAY, BUT HEY...

(Originally publshed May 16, 2008,
a year we missed the playoffs)

We have no speed; our pitchers stink.
Opposing lineups run amok.
How far can Damon’s numbers shrink?
It's only May, but hey...
... We suck.

A-Rod is hurt; Posada’s worse.
Phil Hughes is gone, the outlook bleak.
Our clubhouse needs a fulltime nurse.
It's only May, but hey...
... We reek.

Where’s Tino? Bernie? Old Mike Stanton?
And David Cone, we couldn’t fail.
Right now, Igawa’s stuck in Scranton,
And Jimmy Leyritz...
... Facing jail.

Our best defender is Cabrera.
Abreu’s lame; Giambi’s slow.
Molina? He’s no Yogi Berra.
I know it’s May, but hey...
... We blow.

How Ugly Will This Get?

Errors on the basepaths.

Lack of hitting with RISP.

No length from the starter.

A line-up with several AAA guys who are not young, and not good.

No shut down by the relievers.

KC 0-10 at home before the Yankees showed up.

If Kuroda is an 8-12 pitcher, then what?

                                                                                    Phil Hughes is next.

                                                                                    Cashman needs to take one for the team here.

Yankee batters doing their best to mitigate loss of Rivera

You don't need a closer when there's nothing to close.

This Is Absurd

My bus ticket to El Colomo, a farming community in south mexico, arrived today.  I will be headed out of town on Tuesday.  The bus ride is about 3 days and change.

From El Colomo ( the natives call it "El") it is a 6 mile walk to the ball fields, and the close-by support system ( i.e. Rosie's Bar and the famous, "Dirt Field League grand Hotel ") that helps us thrive.

A room ( bath and shower are shared, one flight up ) is $13 per night.  One meal is included, and you can use the washing machine once a
week ( Thursday nights from 7pm-2:00am ).  The drier is available each morning at dawn ( the sun).

Speaking of old and dirty laundry, I expect to see a number of washed out Yankee draft picks there.  Two years ago, Brien Taylor showed up, apparently out on bail.  He couldn't pitch a lick, but  was a decent second baseman for a lefty. But I digress.....

I thought I would re-construct the basis of this year's demise, one more time, and for the record ( before the rubber hits the road, so to speak ).  The truth is that my predictions became a curse of accuracy and, therefore, I am largely responsible for the 2012 Yankee collapse.  My command of the principles of negative Ju-Ju deserted me.  Worse; they turned on me and, therefore, on us.

 I will have to draw upon a rapidly failing memory, as I do not know how to source the original draft of my pre-season predictions for this 2012 Yankee season. The experts at IIH  HQ can source this document, if they deem it wise to do so, for verification. But be warned, you may surface additional accurate, and unwanted, predictions.

Among my predictions:

1.  Pineda was injured from the get-go and Seattle knew it.  Further,  Pineda would not come north from spring training with the Yankees.
2.  Pineda, in fact, would have arm surgery and miss the season.
3. The 19 year-old , top-prospect throw in ( for Noesi, in fact ) would never pitch for the Yankees (see El Duque's article today on the MRI talk now surrounding him).
4.  That Hughes was not good enough to start and might barely be good enough for 6th inning mop up work.
5.  That Tex could not and would not bunt ( he lied to everyone when he said he was working on it).
6.  That the "killer B's" ( Brackman is already gone ) were a fraud.  Bettances will never find an arm slot for his pitches ( only Randy Johnson....at an equally excessive height...was ever able to do so ), and Banuelos was highly over-rated and due for arm trouble.
7.  That we would not get a monster season ( ever again ) from A-rod and would rue the day we didn't keep Jesus as our DH.
8.  That the Yankees were an aging team of former super-stars and a key injury or two away from disaster ( Joba, Brett, Mariano, Swisher, Romine, etc ).
9. That our depth in the minors was laughable, and that we would not see this season one young, exiting player to generate excitement and hope.
10.  That Cashman would be gone after this year.

There were more, but I can't remember.  It is enough for a lifetime.