Renamed New York attractions if the state stops pot arrests

ALBANY — Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg said on Monday that he would support a proposal by Gov. Andrew M. Cuomo to significantly curb the number of people who could be arrested for marijuana possession as a result of police stops.

1.   The Hempire State Building
2.   Lincoln Funnel
3.   Token Zee Bridge
4.   Turning Stoned Casino
5.   University of Roachester
6.   Weedsport   
7.   The Adirondack High Peaks
8.   Fort Tiganjaroga
9.   The New Jersey Turnpipe  
10. Bong Island  

Yankeetorial: We have a month to sign a pile of international free agents, and then we're in with everybody else

Q: How do turn billionaires into socialists?

A: Give them a baseball team.

Yesterday, the Yankees had one pick in the top 60 of the annual free agent cattle auction. Practically every team we consider a rival had two or three, and also drafted well in front of us. As Kurt would say, so it goes.

Why do Boston, California, et al, always have more early draft picks? They game the system. Why don't we game the system? I dunno, but we don't.

For years, we've gamed a secondary system: The international free agent market, which basically means the buying and selling of 16-year-old boys. It's pretty immoral, but hey - that's baseball. The Texas Rangers do it much better than we do. In fact, they sign 14 year olds - or at least they get caught doing it.

Next month, baseball imposes new restrictions on the signing of foreign talent. I'm not sure whether this means teams can no longer sign 16-year-old Latinos. I'd like to think it does. It probably doesn't. What it does do is impose restrictions on how much teams can spend on Latino boys. That's all the billionaires care about: Putting a salary cap on talent.

So the Yankees - who had one draft pick out of 60 yesterday - and who drafted a pitcher (we historically destroy young pitchers) - now have a month to buy Latino boys before the new rules kick in.

There is a kid named Jose Soler out there, a Cuban who is 19, and he plays outfield. The Yankees supposedly like him. We have no real OF talent in the minors beyond low Single A. It seems a perfect match - us and him.

So it becomes a central question for the future of this team: Do the owner heirs intend to win, or do they intend to bank their money, play along with all the others, draft one out of 60 every June and eventually get replaced by the teams that creep over the line?

Everybody else this year has to pony up for high draft picks. We should have money left over for international free agents. Are we going to spend it?

IT IS HIGH WHITE PAPER: If the Yankee brass never made a deal, would we be better off?

This we know: The Yankees have the money, the dough, the clams, the potatoes, the scarfa, the buefluentes, the big green mingaroos. 

They can afford any free agent. Likewise, they can build the best farm system. So one question: Why compete in the one arena where they have no inherent advantage: Trades.

What if the Yankees stood pat? What if they signed free agents and developed young players... and never made trades.

Here is the current alt-earth Yankee lineup. All are homegrown or signed as a free agent. Following each is a comparison (+ 0 -) to the current Yankee. Zero means it's a wash. 

1B: Mark Teixeira  0

2B: Robbie Cano 0
3B: Alex Rodriguez 0
SS: Derek Jeter 0
RF: Austin Jackson/Jose Tabata  0 (vs Swisher)
LF: Brett Gardner/Juan Rivera/Raul Ibanez  0
CF: Melky Cabrera 0 (vs Grandy)
C: Russell Martin 0
DH: Jesus Montero/Andruw Jones/Nick Johnson 0
UT: Eduardo Nunez, Jayson Nix, Frankie Cervelli 0

Starting Pitchers
CC Sabathia 0
Ian Kennedy + (vs Nova)
Andy Pettitte 0
Hiroki Kuroda 0
Phil Hughes 0

SWING: Hector Noesi/AJ Burnett/Freddy Garcia/Ivan Nova + (vs Freddy) 

Bullpen
Rafael Soriano 0
Tyler Clippard +
Phil Coke 0
Cory Wade 0
Cody Eppler 0
David Robertson 0
David Phelps 0

For my money, we’re slightly better off if the Yankee brass never answered the phone when another team called. (Of course, we did win the World Series in 2009; there is no guarantee that a player's output would have remained the same in NY; and the swing really hinges on the emergence of Melky Cabrera, looming MVP in the National League, which offsets Curtis Granderson.)

Nevertheless, we now are told the Yankee brass covets Matt Garza.

Are we supposed to feel hopeful?

Yanks Re-Draft Andy Brackman

Runoff for IT IS HIGH/LUNCHABLES YANKEE MAY PLAYER OF THE MONTH

I am not hallucinating this. But you might be.

Let's tee it up and do it again. It's like Bud Selig's extra Wild Card.

MARINERS DRAFT CATCHER

Just to rub it in?

Great moments in fan disruptions

No collection of great fan sporting disruptions is complete without revisting the historic Chris Chamblis home run of 1976, which propelled the Yankees into the World Series.

Circling the bases, Chamblis made one of greatest runs in Yankee Stadium football history. Here, he dodges an attempted tackle by a fan who goes too low on the hit. See how Chamblis is veering right, faking out the dumpy fan in the leisure suit, while other defenders measure their angles.

Obviously, Chamblis had blockers - look at the size of this whole - but as he sharply cuts left, causing the man in the trench coat to surrender, while the bearded fan remains in pursuit, a defender at the bottom of the screen sizes him up a head-on hit.

Of course, football always had headhunters. Check out the animal athleticism of this fan, leaping like an outfielder over the fence, trying to rob Chamblis' helmet. No security guard can stop a fan like that.

10 Hiring Criteria for Detroit Tigers Stadium Security Personnel

Yankee players have criticized the Detroit Tigers security personnel for letting a fan roam the field for several minutes Sunday, delaying the final out. This is ridiculous. Tigers' security is legendary for having the most stringent job requirements in the game. The criteria for applicants:

1.   Must be in tip-top physical condition! No exceptions!

2.   Must exhibit catlike instincts and agility! No exceptions.

3.   Skilled in martial arts and all forms of hand-to-hand combat! Absolutely no exceptions.

4.   Masters degree in verbal negotiating skills. Mandatory. (That means no exceptions.)

5.   Not affiliated with any public employees guild or union. (Once fulfilled, job requirements 1-4 may be waived.)

6.   Must know how to use flashlight, or be willing to learn.

7.   Capable of group-herding techniques, specializing in long-range surround-and-capture strategy.

    8.   Must pass written text showing knowledge of all bases (1, 2, 3) and outfield (L, C, R) positions.

9.   Ability to tuck in shirt.

10.  Must own uniform.

10 Possible Heckles for Mila Kunis

Somebody heckled Mila Kunis last night at the MTV Awards, while she was presenting with Mark Wahlberg. This made the front page today on Google News (an advanced text from 2015, when the newspapers are gone.) So what did the heckler heckle? Ten possibilities:

HEY WAHLBERG, CAN'T A DOCTOR REMOVE THAT WART FROM YOUR ELBOW?

ENJOY THE STAGE, SWEETHEART. CLOSEST YOU’LL EVER COME TO AN OSCAR IS ON SESAME STREET!

LOOK! IT'S ADAM SANDLER, AUDITIONING FOR HIS NEXT CROSS-DRESS MOVIE!

JEEZ, DEMI, YOU'RE LOOKING OLD!

EMMA STONE WON'T LOSE SLEEP OVER THIS!

STAY AWAY FROM DEREK JETER, JEZEBEL!

HOLY CRAP! MICKEY ROURKE HAD A SEX-CHANGE!

HEY LADY, WHO DRESSED YOU? EMMETT KELLEY?

WAHLBERG AND KUNIS? IS THIS MTV OR AARP?

GOODBYE, WISCONSINNNNNNNNN!

With the 20th anniversary of the Jeter draft, Baltimore can ponder what might have been

We know from TV that alternative realities exist. Thus, somewhere out there in the multi-verse, beyond the world where Andruw Jones spells his name “Androo,” – there is an earth where the Baltimore Orioles 20 years ago slightly altered their draft strategy.

Instead of taking Jeffrey Hammond, they chose a highly touted teenager from Michigan. Let’s go there.

Baltimore has done the impossible. It managed to transition from the great, iconic shortstop of Cal Ripken Jr. to his natural successor: Derek Jeter. The Orioles have been a regular power in the American League East, and every kid growing up in America dreams of playing shortstop in Camden Yards. It is the most glory-filled position in sports, akin to what centerfield was to the Yankees around 1975.

Now, in the twilight of Jeter’s career, the nation is wondering who will be the next great Baltimore shortstop?

Of course, many believe the greatest shortstop remains the Yankees’ Alex Rodriguez, freshly celebrating his marriage to Drew Barrymore, star of the movie “Fever Pitch,” which detailed the great 2004 Yankee comeback against mighty Baltimore.

In other alt-earth news, former Met Curt Schilling has been named 2012 “Entrepreneur of the Year” by the Rhode Island Chamber of Commerce…

Drew Barrymore, star of 2005 anti-Yankee propaganda film “Fever Pitch,” marries a civilian

DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD _ Starlet Drew Barrymore - the “E.T.” cherub who, back in the era before bath salts, was sniffing glue at age 14, and who later grew up to become the Princess Leia of anti-Yankee hate groups - tied the knot yesterday with some guy who does not play for or against the Yankees, and thus is invisible to this blog.

Thus ends the secret kink fantasy campaign of IT IS HIGH to see the actress fall in love with – and then get ingloriously dumped by – Alex Rodriguez, the youngest man in history to hit 600 home runs and bed 600 Hollywood starlets.) (Note: Hip and knee problems may keep A-Rod from breaking Derek Jeter's lifetime record of 762.) 

What can we say? Drew is drawn. Our dream has ended. Neither A-Rod nor Jeet will ever avenge the starlet who appeared in the infamous neo-Redsock propaganda film, “Fever Pitch,” a veritable fund-raiser for Yankee hate groups, the movie that jabbed salt into our still-fresh wounds from the terrible Collapse of 2004.

Now, barring a divorce – something that is exceedingly rare in Hollywood - Barrymore will never receive her just humiliation at the hands of a Hall of Fame Yankee swordsman.

Frankly, we’re still holding a mini-candle for A-Rod to break the heart of Barrymore’s co-star Jimmy Fallon – (not that there’d be anything wrong with it) – but the prospects don’t look promising.

Barrymore, by marrying a non-entity, has escaped our dooming IT IS HIGH sword of fantasy vengeance. You can’t win them all.

Today's Rivalometer

 

Hughes paints his masterpiece! 

Bard gets shellacked! 

If you hated "One Year Ago Today"--and who didn't?--this will drive you nuts. Each game day from now until the end of the world I will check the pulse of The Only Rivalry That Matters. Don't care who's up? Can't face who's down? Then stay away, because Mustang's riding this roller coaster and there's no stopping it now. Peace!

10 Criteria for President Obama when signing formal document to initiate drone strike to kill someone on other side of planet

1.   Is target’s name spelled correctly?

2.   Did any “SIGN HERE” tabs fall out during transit?

3.   Should aides play scary theme music, adding to drama?

4.   Make sure that on page 12, Biden didn’t insert some funny line.

5.   Are punctuation marks right? (Semi-colon abuse ran rampant under the Bush administration.)

6.   Could he possibly know any of the targets from growing up in Kenyan terror camps?

7.   Don’t mix death order with speech for Women’s History Month.

8.   Skip the boilerplate crap.

9.   Wear the gloves, so there will be no fingerprints.

10.  If target has already been killed, don’t forget to back-date it!

Upon Further Review: Thank God the Yankees didn’t trade Phil Hughes for Johan Santana

Wait a minute. This is getting confusing.

Michael Kay called it right Friday - (WB Mason might not agree) - but now the Mets know the secrets of juju

Friday night, while the Maglio Ordonezless Tigers were trying hard to lose, Michael Kay revealed to the YES Yankiverse news of something better in another world.

He basically said, “Johan Santana has a no-hitter going after eight innings.”

For tens of thousands of Yankee fans, it was like on “Fringe,” where the hot lady scientist suddenly realizes the existence of a new alternate universe, and instantly wants to go there and put on a tank top. How many of us immediately clicked to Met World? And how many of us took our Yankee-made juju?

For Kay... frankly, three cheers! It was the Cronkite thing to do. Hell, it was the Torre thing to do. Besides, the sponsors are the same anyway; it’s like going to a foreign city and seeing the same mall chains.)

But what did it do to Yankee juju for 2012?

(Personal note: This has been a rotgut season for juju. For starters, I shouldn’t have written my book, “The Juju Rules.” I now acknowledge this. It was the wrong thing to do – telling the world how we’ve been cheating all these years, how Yankee fans have been controlling play from the comfort of our homes. God, I’m the fan juju version of Jose Canseco, spilling the beans about pep pills. What can I say? I sold out. I chased the fame, the fortune, the sex and the glory. And now, I can tell you that sleeping with supermodels and smoking bath salts is just a hollow, shallow life… because it cannot compensate for the Yankees losing.)  

But shucks, this is not about me. It's about the team. And let’s face it, Friday night, Michael Kay pulled the pin on a juju grenade and tossed into the New York City fan pool. There’s no doubt that Yankee fan juju helped Santana pitch his no-hitter. That catch in left field didn’t happen by itself. That ball Beltran hit down the line didn’t go foul by itself. That was juju, my friends, five-tool juju... and Met fans don’t bring that kind of stuff to a game.

In baseball terms, Michael Kay has just done the equivalent of giving the Russians the secrets to the atom bomb. The Yankees had better start hitting with runners on base. Otherwise, when they finally get around to it, they might find nobody watching. 

Yankeetorial: We are third in the AL East and second in NYC

You can feel the electricity of the 2012 Yankees draining with each night that our stars strand in scoring position the voting population of Wisconsin, while the young Mets, Orioles, Rays, Jays and - damn - even the Redsocks continue to overachieve.

We are the stodgy old team of overpriced sluggers, each one swinging for the fences, with not even one young player ready to emerge at the MLB level. This ugly aging process is particularly acute with Dave Robertson, Brett Gardner and Eduardo Nunez off in injury/brainwork therapy at our godforsaken Thruway Rest Stop team. They've been replaced by Dewaine Wise, Jayson Nix and Cody Somethingorother - the band-aids we purchased in late February to fill our Scranton roster, because our farm system couldn't raise prospects to even the Triple A level.

When the Redsocks or Orioles lose, their managers tweak the lineups and give somebody new a chance. When we flop, as we did last night - because our big hitters fail - all Joe Girardi can do is press "reset."

It was around this time in 2006 when Cashman brought up Chien-Ming Wang and Robbie Cano, energizing the Yankees. This is when Robertson emerged. This is when Brett Gardner made his bones. This is when newcomers step in and make a difference.

And if you want to see it - well - the Yankees have made a statement:

Turn the channel. Watch the Mets.

Reasons why Boston won't trade Kevin Youkilis

That's what the GM says: They're not looking to trade him. Reasons:

1.   They need a $13 million, 33-year-old backup 3B.

2.   They could never again gaze into that beautiful face without crying.

3.   Team needs somebody to make Papi look thin

4.   Fans addicted to cool coconut-bonk sound when he's beaned.

5.   Boston has no history of jettisoning veteran players.

6.  Team announcers need to be able to say, "You're not hearing boos..."

Damn. Now I'm confused: After all this, I guess we SHOULDA traded Hughes and Joba for Santana

Another reason to tar and feather Cashman! If it hadn't been for him - refusing to trade Hughes and Joba for Johann Santana - we would be sitting on a no-hitter this morning.

"Dammit, Brian Cashman, we’d be better off if you were never born!"

Wait a minute. Something just happened. I'm no longer wet..

We didn’t get that grand slam last night, because Grandyman is still a Tiger, and Austin Jackson is injured. What’s Wilson Betemit doing in left field? And who is that in right? Jose Tabata?
Oh well, a no-hitter is a no-hitter.

Wait a minute. Girardi just took out Santana in the seventh. He’s bringing in... Phil Coke? Hm-mm.

Every time someone homers, an Angel is dealt for Juan Rivera.

The Yankees, America, both had a lousy month of May

You think it's coincidence?

Both the Yankees and the country are failing to hit with people on base. Nobody can get home. We haven't been the same since China moved into the overshift.

If A-Rod doesn't start driving in runs, we should start hoarding canned food.

Michael Kay Stealing Sterling's Act

From the River Avenue Blues game thread: 

10 Things You Get from a Presidential Endorsement by Donald Trump

1.  Photo op with Donald Trump
2.  Unlimited late night phone calls from Donald Trump.
3.  Personal advice on women from Donald Trump
4.  Ten new slang expressions for oral sex, as used by Donald Trump
5.  Free copy of “Trump,” autographed by Donald Trump
6.  Cooties
7.  Chance to observe hair of Donald Trump up close
8.  Latest from Obama birther probe by Donald Trump
9.  Donald Trump’s vote
10.  Free publicity over decision not to disavow endorsement by Donald Trump

Sloppy wifesmanship costs poor Brewers catcher his hand

Milwaukee catcher Jonathan Lucroy says his negligent, devil woman wife Sarah is receiving death threats on Facebook, because her terrifying inability to keep house caused him to break his hand.

According to the Internet, Lucroy was reaching under the bed for something, when a suitcase set by Lady Evil toppled onto his hand.

Try to recreate this scene in your mind.

Yep. Same here.

Way I see it, he must have been cowering under the bed - with his hand reaching out.

Satanic beast woman.

This is the most terrifying display of womanly wife evil since Graig Nettles’ spouse refused to mow their lawn, causing Graig to miss four weeks of Yankee time after the poor, lovable doofus did what any man would do - stick his hand in the rotating blade.

Or Henry Cotto, who punctured an eardrum with a Q-Tip – the kind of instrument wives are supposed to use.

Let’s get one thing straight; Here at IT IS HIGH, we don’t condone death threats, unless they’re against fat ex-Redsock pitchers who pour fake blood onto their socks. That said, we’ve seen enough Roger Corman movies to know that a witch is a witch is a witch. Why, just imagining the evil cacklings of Mrs. Lucroy (hmmm… Mrs. Lucifer?) eating chocolates, trying on wigs and painting her face with fancy creams – while her poor hubby is writhing on the floor, screaming in torment, unable to free his hand from weight of her lead-filled luggage.

Damn, how do we get to her Facebook page? We should send her some Farm Town animals.

More Reasons For Despair

I'm about 35 feet off the ground with one arm around a creaky Mexicale Nationale Telephone pole, and the other tapping out this text with my I-phone leashed to a hot wire cable, so I can't send any classy and supportive photos. However, the amature draft is near, and it is guaranteed that anyone we sign will never make it to the Yankees. Our number 1 three years back is studying horticulture at UCLA, our number one two years back can't hit .250 in the worst A-ball league, and the last kid is AWOL to all Google searches. Then, there is Andy Brackheaddick. See what I'm getting at? Of all the things the Yankees fail at, drafting amature players is at the top of the list, by an exponential factor of three. The most recent good draft pick was Derek Jeter. I guess one Derek every two decades will have to do. With all our injuries, if we had one player with any ability whatsoever, he would have been gaining experience in pinstripes. We have had to trade for 28-31 year old back-ups who hit in the .210-219 range, and are not very good defensively. Did I mention they all have average speed? I mean Russell Martin is faster than every one of them. Cash man should be sent to Syria as a negotiator for western values before he is allowed to make one remark, or approve one decision in the upcoming draft. I told you before; as our roster of aging multi-millionaires deteriorates, we can look forward to no home grown talent. All we can do is spend more millions for the next contract of Albert Pujols and others like him. Seriously, the Yankees will be the Yankees of the early 70's perhaps for our lifetimes. Watch the olympics, or come on down here and try out for our South Mexican Dirt Field team. Physical condition notwithstanding. Bring your own glove.

National cannibal epidemic threatens humankind; this may be last IT IS HIGH post

Testingonetwothree. Can anybody hear me? I'm broadcasting on this low-band frequency. Flesh-eating zombies are everywhere. They've eaten the entire city of Syracuse - not too rich, and high in fiber - and now they're heading down the Thruway, looking for Utica greens. For the last hour, they've been beating on my front door, shouting "Trick or treat," demanding that I throw out a morsel of face that they can snack on. It's so depressing, there's nothing to - wait! I know: I'll crush up these bath salts, light them over a spoon and snort them, see what happens!

Calgon Beauty Bath, take me awayyyyy!

Other privileges that MLB catchers must earn from home plate umpires

This week, the Yankees’ Russell Martin stripped a lugnut after home plate ump Laz Diaz refused to let him throw new balls to the pitcher, claiming Martin hadn’t earned the “privilege." So was revealed a great hidden tradition of the game. In fact, veteran catchers earn many “privileges” from umpires, such as:

Calling Cheese. In the heat of combat, the ever-squatting receiver often feels the need to free the pressurized gasola that accumulated from last night’s taco bar. The catcher with good umping relations is allowed not only to openly rip, but to preface it with a quip, such as "Who let the dogs out!” or “You’ve got mail!"

Back-rub. The vet backstop with "fave-nation" status is eligible for an occasional kneading of the shoulders, stress relief that adds years to a career. Nothing calms an 0-for-5 like the experienced fingers of a Ron Luciano tapping out an Elton John solo on his catcher’s ecstastic backside. They say Johnny Bench had to be ordered to retire. 

Intellectual conversation. No self-respecting, "Fox and Friends"-educated ump wastes his time talking politics to a rookie catchertard. The kids of today don't listen to Rush. But the elder statemen of the game can appreciate a long diatribe on John Edwards' hair and whatever else tops the Drudge Report. Of course, the umps all learned not to let I-Rod get onto the subject of Ron Paul.

Holiday cards. It takes years, sometimes decades, for thorny, hard-bitten umps to soften up and acknowledge that they do care. So when a catcher opens that Hallmark card, with the gift certificate to Aldi's, it means something special.

Poon-spotting. The veteran squatter knows he’s hit the Bigs when his loyal "wing man in blue" takes the time to tip him off to a bleacher-seat flashing of the Promised Land. Often, as he brooms off home plate, an ump will give the coordinates, without pointing, so they can each turn to share their views of the Canyon of Heroes. 

Smoking. Nothing shouts "I respect you!" more than an ump who lets the catcher light up a Joe Camel during an at-bat. Of course, political incorrectness has made this tougher, and it requires stealth. The great Roy Campanella used to smoke a pack an inning, and the umps would flick their Bics to light him up on a called strike three. 

Drinking. Responsibly. Of course. 

It is time to take nominations for IT IS HIGH LUNCHABLES MAY YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

May sucked.

I'm open for suggestions.

Report from Pittsburgh

A.J. Burnett allowed just two hits over seven innings, Matt Hague delivered a two-run double and the Pittsburgh Pirates edged the Reds 2-1 on Wednesday night.

Burnett (4-2) outdueled Johnny Cueto (5-3) on a night Cincinnati managed just four hits, one of them a pinch-hit single by Votto in the ninth. Joel Hanrahan worked out of a two-on, one-out jam in the ninth for his 13th save.

Yankeetorial: One young player... is that too much to ask?

One young player. That's all. Just one. A Yankee under 25. Fuzzy cheeks. A kid. Youth. Potential. Hope. Wow. What a concept!

I mean, imagine it:

A young Yankee. One who might improve. A player you could watch evolve, grow, become a star.

One young player. Like the Angels, with that kid, Trout, who is 20. What a concept: 20? Plus, they have Trumbo. Where do they find them? They draft when we do. They're not Tampa, cellar dwellers for 20 years - (Wait a minute, neither is Tampa.) How do they get young players, and we have...

Ronnier Mustellier. It's gotten so bad that I'm watching him on the Traveling Wilkes Barres. He's 28. He's what passes as a young, upcoming Yankee. He's "young" in the Alfredo Aceves sense of the word. (And of course, we ditched Alfredo, didn't we?)

The Redsocks have Will Middlebrooks. We have... gulp... Brandon Laird - stashed forever on the Montezuma Swamp exit of the Thruway.

One young player... Just one. Can it happen? Nope. Not this year. Aint nobody bubbling up from the farms. Betances? Might as well be Beyonce. Manny Bannelos? Manny Ramirez. Austin Romine? Kevin Romine. Zolio Almonte? Eric Almonte. 

We might miss the playoffs and not rebuild. That's an Isaiah Thomas team. That's a Rich Kottite club. That's Gene Mauch. That mediocrity genius.

One young player. Is it too much to ask? One?

Victory in Disneyland

One of three? I’ll take it.

We avoid a tie for last.

We’re done with LA.

We finally get out that Trumbo guy.

We survive Ivan Nova.

We’re one day closer to next year.

Yesterday, upon hearing the news, I screamed out the words that were so pressurized inside me...

They just Ridley Scotted from my belly, gushed out after I heard the news:

 Texas signed Roy Oswalt.

"OF COURSE THE F====G RANGERS SIGNED HIM. THEY GET F====G EVERYBODY.”

Yes, people…  the Rangers are the Yankees.

Unable to dominate the NFL, the malevolent, George Bushian state of Texas has chosen to exert its oily blood money in baseball. And we, the Eastern dandy heiress cupcakes that we are, graciously stepped aside.

Once upon an owner, the Yankees chased every free agent, especially an experienced pitcher who just might help us win a pennant. Somebody on the market? The only question is baseball was, does George intend to sign him?

Well, not anymore. The Steinboys own majority interest in a franchise estimated to be worth $4 billion. But when a free agent hits the market, they’re too busy perusing the slightly past sale-date aisle at Aldi’s.

What really sucks is that Texas not only spends the bucks, but it already has the best team and best farm system in baseball. It’s the Rangers lineup that scares people. It’s the Rangers team that brings out the fans. It’s the Rangers who everybody wants to be.

We used to be. We abdicated our crown, surrendered without a shot.

We didn’t want to be the big bad Yankees anymore.

Hey, did you hear the big news yesterday? We signed a Japanese scrap-heaper – Duzisuk Yubeteduz - for our famous Thruway Team! Hey, is Sidney Ponson throwing off a flat surface? He can’t pitch, but he’s cheap. There’s always a bargain at Aldi’s.

Yankee talking points for upcoming anti-Redsock campaign

REDSOCK CLAIM: The Yankees spend too much money and are exploding Major League Baseball's deficit.

YANKEE RESPONSE: Talk about wasting money; Curt Schilling just cost the good people of Rhode Island $100 million.

*

REDSOCK CLAIM: The Yankee batting order has drifted too far to the left and is out of touch with the America League.

YANKEE RESPONSE: The Yankees recognize the civil rights of switch-hitters, and it's time for Boston's ridiculous stance to move into the new millenium.

*

REDSOCK CLAIM: The Yankees lack of business sense caused them to blow the Jesus Montero trade.

YANKEE RESPONSE: By dealing Montero, we created jobs for Yankee catchers and DHs.
*

REDSOCK CLAIM: With the number of Yankees injuries, MLB can't afford to pay for the team's health care.

YANKEE RESPONSE: Talk about health care, the Redsocks are still trying to thaw out the head of Ted Williams.

*

REDSOCK CLAIM: Arod is too old.

YANKEE RESPONSE: It's absurd that Boston is still questioning Arod's birth certificate, which says he's only 36.

*

REDSOCK CLAIM: Ex-Yankee Roger Clemens used illegal performance enhancing drugs.

YANKEE RESPONSE: Another flip-flop! The Redsocks created Clemens, and the Yankees employment of him was a virtual carbon copy of his work in Boston.

*

REDSOCK CLAIM: The Yankees are a failed American League East champion, and the people of the America League want a change.

YANKEE RESPONSE: The championship is five months away. A lot can happen between now and then.

Yankeetorial: Another rotten game on our way back to mediocrity?

So much for the idea that we’d lose a game and not skip a beat. Or that our clutch-hitting woes are over. Or that Andy is our second stopper. Or that our season turned around. Or there is a juju god, who cares.

Our five-game winning streak now resembles that unfortunate final slice of pepperoni pizza that we bagged in plastic Friday night and set on the kitchen table like a hunting trophy. The cheese has congealed, the crust has turned gray, and one dime of pepperoni now shows a distinct recreation of Phil Hughes’ image.  

Which steals my appetite. Dammit, Hughes. I’m still sore from the hack job he pulled two nights ago. You score eight times, and you ought to win an effing game. But it’s something about Hughes' locker room analysis – oh, he was merely overthrowing because, goodness gracious, friends and family were in the stands; next time, he’ll take that into consideration, along with air pressure, humidity and the magnetic resonance of the upper atmosphere, wearing aluminum foil under his hat to lessen the impact, so it will never happen again! - leaves me wishing the bum could be sent somewhere farther from his friends and family – like our rest stop to rest stop travelers on the Thomas Dewey New York State Thruway.

John loves to say that despite all the trials and tribulations of this season, it’s amazing that we’re only two games out of first. Well, we’re also a game ahead of last-place Boston – and considering what they’ve endured - which includes Bobby Valentine - we should be nervous.

We better hope that a) the Orioles aren’t for real, b) an asteroid hits Tampa and c) Carl Crawford & Jacoby Ellsbury don’t come roaring back for Team Schilling.

That five-game streak is dead pizza. So much for the idea that an International Juju Intervention could actually save a season.

(Still, five in a row after the IJI. Ringadingding, baby.)

We are joining Yardbarker

Today, you will probably notice the revolving ads. Hopefully, some will be for male enhancement therapy or special creams that salve the places where hemorrhoids know.

Ads. Just what you needed, right?

Well, we are joining the Yardbarker Network. We came within an eyelash of doing it last year, but then lost our nerve. Because of the ads.

We view this as an experiment. We hope it will inject new life into the blog, by sending more visitors. Two years ago, we rejected overtures from several networks, despite the suggestion that by running alone, we’d be shut out from the mainstream and die. We didn’t die. But yes, we were effectively marginalized – (as we deserve to be, I guess.) We're like a team without a conference. A pro wrestler without a belt to pursue.

 

Anyway, let’s see what happens. Hell, I’ve always wanted to try male enhancement therapy. Maybe we’ll cut a deal.

Yankeetorial: We'll soon learn what kind of team this is

After a glorious three-day cholesterol bump, I parachuted into bed last night with a three-run lead, Jered Weaver in the MRI tube, and an Angels nobody on the mound. Slept like Justin Bieber listening to Teletubby music. Woke up to a 9-8 Phil Hughes disaster flick.

Once again, our pitching coach is Henry Jekyll. Today’s Nomo is tomorrow’s Igawa. I heard over the weekend that we signed former Met John Maine. I just didn’t expect him to put on Phil Hughes’ uniform and throw a game so soon.

From the Loew’s Broadcast Booth, The Master reminds us twice per inning that it’s amazing that the Yankees are only two out, considering how badly we've played. And he’s right. It’s amazing. But we have yet to answer one central question:

And are we the team that builds on winning streaks - that is, loses a game and then starts winning again – or are we the team that follows a five-win burst with five straight losses?

OK, I know what you’re thinking: “Jeepers-shucks, Duque, just hold another International Juju Intervention, so we’ll launch another five-game streak. Twenty IJI’s, and that’s 100 wins - home field advantage.”

Listen, you can’t just run an IJI every time you break a nail. Nor can you squander critical juju reserves in May. This stuff doesn’t just grow on trees. The IJI is a break-glass-in-case-of-fire juju weapon. It is dangerous. We damn near lost Grandy and Swish last night in the kind of collision that would have had bad juju written all over it. Running an IJI is like handlng hydrocloric acid. You can get burned.

We must save our juju guns for August and September.

Last night? My bad. I went to bed too soon. Should have stayed up. But WTF with Hughes? How many John Maines does a team need? By my count, we already have 10.

Another photo from Alphonso

He cannot post from Mexico, so he is sending email messages - dated, I'm afraid.

His latest:

"I bought this rusted out shell for $45 pesos. It makes me a Mexican citizen, by dint of ownership.  It is about 299 yards beyond the left field foul post of our stadium in the south Mexico dirt field league. The significant thing is: the day I closed on it is the day the Yanks began their 5 game win streak. I'll stay inside until they lose."

George Brett reacts graciously to news that Derek Jeter just passed him on the all-time hits list

Thank you, Jeet, for passing what's his name, the brother of Ken.

"The grist of the Gods grinds slow, but infinitely small."
- historian Charles Beard -

Make it 5-0 since the International Juju Intervention (IJI)

Last Tuesday, families across the Yankiverse gathered around their YESMO-equipped televisions to join an incredible outpouring of love, the likes of which the world has not seen since the detonation of the atom bomb.

Millions of Yankee fans donated psychic-mind energy to the International Juju Intervention (IJI), channeling their Rizzutonic ejaculations directly into TVs, which then wormholed the transmissions to central repositories, which the next day fed into the Yankee lineup and Yankee Power Report (sponsored by Indian River Nuclear Power Plant.)

The results has been - to be modest, here - infinitely phugging awesome, baby. Five an oh, baby. Ringadingding, baby.

The Yankees have won five straight, turning around a lost season and maybe - considering the stories published last week - even keeping the team owned by the family that loves it. It's like a Disney Family Network show starring Tony Danza and Tia Leone (Yankee fans, by the way.) Everything turned out positively.

How could anyone question the results of this incredible event, even if it forces them to confront their family upbringing, sense of world purpose and inner-contempt for the dogmatic religious quackery that has, until now, enslaved them? How?

And yet - (alas, there is always an "and yet") - there remain out there Doubting Thomases. You know who you are. As far as I'm concerned, the Doubting Thomas is nothing more than an English muffin - craggy on the edges, soft on the inside, just waiting to be toasted and wiped with butter.

The IJI has proven itself.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have built the bomb. It works. It can give Yankee life. It can destroy our enemies. Now what?

With great power comes great responsibility.

Since IJI, we are 5-0.

Five and oh. Ringadingdingdingdingdingding, baby!

Why did the NJI show a delayed impact on the Yankees?

Lately, a few posters and commenters - you know who you are - have refused to accept that the Yankee four-game winning streak came directly on the heels of last week's IT IS HIGH National Juju Intervention (NJI.) They contend that the Yankees lost the game in which the NJI was held, so it obviously had no impact.

These people are fools.

Yes, it's true that the Yankees lost that first game against Kansas City. Point for the doubters. But it saddens me how some people today view juju as a light switch. They expect to shake a beer at the TV and see Mark Teixeira abruptly hit a home run. That's ridiculous. It doesn't happen. Except for when it does.

What happens is the juju waves you generate by doing whatever you do in front of your TV, radio or Yanklee communication device flies into a wormhole - we all know about wormholes - merges with billions of other fans' juju, sort of like sperm cells flocking around an egg. One lucky juju fertilizes the Yankee victory. But it might not happen instantaneously. We're still studying this.

What we do know is that the Yankees are 4-0 since the NJI.

Four and oh, baby. Ringadingding.

Four in a row, baby, since National Juju Intervention (NJI)

Gimmie a one.  WON.
Gimmie a two.  TOO.

Gimmie a three.   TREE.

Gimmie a four.  FOR.

What's that spell?  It doesn't spell-

What's that spell?  I don't know what you-

WHAT'S THAT SPELL?I  JUJU!

Four in a row.

Our Long Awaited Privacy Policy

Sculpted by lawyers... for all you lawyers.

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Three in a row since National Juju Intervention

Like a surgically augmented cougar on a reality TV party weekend, the Girardi Jurassics have banged out three quick victory yelps since the National Juju Intervention, (NJI) conducted Monday night in rec rooms, tenements, trailers and s/m hostage dungeons throughout the thinking fan’s Yankiverse.

Three in a row. As they say in Hollywood, ringadingding, baby.

Now, OK… I know what you’re thinking:

“Duque, wow, I mean, omygod, it’s like, minga! You’ve saved the Yankee season! Now that you’ve rendered unto humanity the secrets of juju, it’s like you taught us to fish, rather than giving us a fish, were you planning to do that? Because, wow, now the Yankees can win every game!”

Reader, have I ever told you that you are far smarter than the average Internet lardbrain? Because. You. Are. And dammit, you nailed it. There is absolutely no reason why the Yankees cannot win every game. Every game.

But…

We shouldn’t win them all. We must parcel out NJI bombs in a way that keeps authorities off the Yankee tail. If we just the table – 90 straight wins – people will get suspicious. There will be a federal investigation of this site. Authorities will mount a crackdown. Not only that, but we might as well forget about signing Cole Hamel next winter, because MLB will never allow it. Therefore, we must stop at five, maybe six a row. And we cannot simply hold another NJI.

The juju bump goes only so far, and you do not want to run two national interventions in close proximity: It’s like drinking a keg of amoxicillin to derail a cold, and then entering a Long John Silver’s to find the sneezing counter-girl has a bad case of flesh-eating disease. You’ve played your hand.

Still… three in a row, baby! Arod and Teixeira may be coming around. We still have nothing on the Thruway – Betances couldn’t throw strikes last night, but Ronnier Mustellier, the Cubist international man of mystery, hit another homer. Three in a row!

Today, let’s sweep our living rooms with an imaginary juju broom.

Photo from Alphonso

No lie: From a vast, uncharted area of Mexico, Alphonso today sent this iPhone shot, proof that his "legend is spreading across the globe." Also, that he spends most of his sight-seeing in a horizontal position.