Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Aaron Boone has left the building

There is an alternative universe deep in space -- next to the one where Bob Gamere, not Phil, does the voice interlude for Meat Loaf's "Paradise By the Dashboard Light" -- where on a morning in the winter of 2004, Aaron Boone foregoes a pickup game of basketball and does not tear his knee into a plate of spaghetti.
Thus, he returns to the Yankees, leaving Alex Rodriguez to stick with Boston, which thus gives up Curtis Montague Schilling -- who comes to New York.
In that universe -- next to the one where Britney Spears shoots Kevin Federline in "a hunting accident" -- the Yankees do not blow a 3-0 game lead in the 2004 American League Championship Series.
Instead, we trade for Mike Lowell, who -- oh what the fuck, I'm just making this up so why not go for it?-- LEADS US TO WIN SIX STRAIGHT WORLD SERIES. It's an alternative universe. Get it? Lindsay Lohan has a sex change and becomes a woman! Get it?
Anyway... the reason for this...? Aaron Boone has announced his retirement.
Screw the alternative universes! We're champs, get it? Let's remember him for that moment, the greatest moment of the last decade. Good luck to, as the Redsock Nation would say, "Aaron Fucking Boone."

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