Kevin Baker's book is here!

Kevin Baker's book is here!
"... an exemplary sports book..." Kirkus Reviews

Thursday, February 25, 2010

I Know Why Kei Igawa Fails at the Major league level

The truth is, I made this same observation

the very first ( not just the first ) time this unknown Japanese un-sensation climbed the mound at the old Yankee stadium.

I will say in advance that no one paid attention. Usually, no one pays attention to what I say.

Kei Igawa cannot pitch effectively at the major league level until he gets his teeth fixed.

In Scranton, no one cares. Some people have shards of coal for teeth. Same with the other AAA cities. Looks don't count. There are plenty of "two-baggers" at the AAA level ( for those of you who aren't familiar; a two bagger is a date evaluation; one for your date if she is ugly; one for you, as well, if she is really bad ).

Kei arrived in America as a two bagger, despite his $51 million. Clearly, this proves that no one in the Yankee organization met the man before they signed him.

In the big leagues, looks do matter. If you think Derek and A-Rod are getting by just on their abilities, you are nuts. How many Yankees look worse when smiling than Kei? Even Karl Farnsworth shined next to Kei.

Kei's "bouche " remains an embarrasment to the Yankee front office and to his teammates. Even Kei's translator looks down at his feet when Kei is about to respond to a question.
Umpires refuse to believe he can throw strikes, because he is always drooling something from his left or right fang.

I once saw him eat an apple, and it was like watching a John Deere corn shredder work a field in Iowa.

The worst part of this is that the Yankees have done no dental work on the man. There are no oral surgeons in Scranton? Right now, he would be better off playing for the Montreal Canadians. Lose a mouthful to a hockey stick, then come back and pitch.

Let him start or let him relieve. He won't perform well at the major league level until the dental work is done.

As for me, I still have at least 7 quality teeth remaining.

2 comments:

Theo said...

I could mentally shred you using a hockey player teeth to performance pie chart but I wont bother.

Im just more disappointed youre still alive.

Ill see you in hell, Alf.

Anonymous said...

Can you mentally project team standings for the season using player tooth/tattoo ratios ?