All last year, Bud must have looked at Mariano Rivera's final tour and thought, "Damn, what did that little punk do for the game?" When Uncle Bud, goes, baseball should build him a pyramid.
So... it's time to ponder Bud Selig Day, the greatest commissioned commissioner celebration in baseball history, when thousands - nay, millions! - will bid
Before the game, the great stars Bud personally touched will honor him on the field. There will be Senator George Mitchell and the entire Redsocks organization, which skated through Bud's steroids probe. Big Papi will tell the world that Bud was "f----n awesome!"
Then comes a parade of 1990s lawyers, who received full time jobs trying to defend Bud's collusion plan, which screwed free agents like Jack Morris out of an estimated $280 million, before it was clobbered in court.
At this point, Bud will symbolically shove swords into an effigy of former commissioner Fay Vincent, signifying how
After the bloodletting, the Bud Selig Day game itself will be delayed 150 days, symbolizing the players strike of 1994, which Bud oversaw in an attempt to force a payroll cap onto the sport. Replacement players will take the field and then be paid to leave, giving homage to the man who canceled the first World Series since 1904.
When the game is played, it will feature the Minnesota Twins, who Bud attempted to scrap, a move that would expand the market of the Milwaukee Brewers, the team from which he completed "divested" himself, after passing it onto his daughter.
The game will feature a special treat: Spider-Man 3 logos painted on all the bases - oh, but don't worry traditionalists. No logos on home plate! No way, not there - because Bud never believed in rank commercialization.
In the first three innings of the game, each team will hit 70 home runs, showcasing the the celebration of modern protein enhancements, which helped
Then, in the fourth inning, all the home runs and all the home run hitters will be abruptly deleted from the box score, as if none of it ever happened. It will be a tie game, and the two teams will play a ONE GAME PLAYOFF... with the winner gets to advance to the real ONE GAME PLAYOFF for the post season, and also for the chance to win home field advantage in next year's All-Star Game, which Bud will call after nine innings, because no team sent pitchers.
In the ninth, with the game designated a tie - (the two teams will play another ONE GAME PLAYOFF to determine who goes to the ONE GAME PLAYOFF) - special ceremonies will be held. Bud will receive the gift of sex from a team of fawning announcers from Fox, or ESPN, or whatever network happens to be paying for the rights - and, by the way, charging about $5 a month to every cable subscriber in America, a de facto tax, whether they care or not about sports. The owners will present Bud with his annual check for $23 million, and Bud will announce that he's done a great job, and that, "Baseball considers itself the luckiest sport on the face of the earth."
A special MLB drone will land on the field, and Bud will be lifted into the sky - straight to Cooperstown for induction ceremonies - while Tim McCarver leads the crowd in singing, "So Long, It's Been Good Ta Know Ya."
For the next hour, people will gather around the Bud Selig statue, where Alex Rodriguez has been chained, to pose for selfies. Through the miracle of modern technology, the statue will grow live human hair. It'll be great, except that we'll have to see it through the tears.