Thursday, January 16, 2014

Bigger than Mariano: It's time to imagine Bud Selig Day at Yankee Stadium

It's hard to blog with tears in your eyes.  But that's today's situation, as we try to digest the game of baseball without dad, er, Bud Selig - damn, did I call him "Dad" again? It's hard not to think of dad Uncle Bud that way. Now, they say he's going to go? Nooo, say it aint so!

All last year, Bud must have looked at Mariano Rivera's final tour and thought, "Damn, what did that little punk do for the game?" When Uncle Bud, goes, baseball should build him a pyramid.

So... it's time to ponder Bud Selig Day, the greatest commissioned commissioner celebration in baseball history, when thousands - nay, millions! - will bid dad Bud adieu.

Before the game, the great stars Bud personally touched will honor him on the field. There will be Senator George Mitchell and the entire Redsocks organization, which skated through Bud's steroids probe. Big Papi will tell the world that Bud was "f----n awesome!"

Then comes a parade of 1990s lawyers, who received full time jobs trying to defend Bud's collusion plan, which screwed free agents like Jack Morris out of an estimated $280 million, before it was clobbered in court.

At this point, Bud will symbolically shove swords into an effigy of former commissioner Fay Vincent, signifying how dad Bud took over baseball, by eliminating the commissioner's office entirely, so the game could be run by the owners, without a central authority, which could be so easily sued.

After the bloodletting, the Bud Selig Day game itself will be delayed 150 days, symbolizing the players strike of 1994, which Bud oversaw in an attempt to force a payroll cap onto the sport. Replacement players will take the field and then be paid to leave, giving homage to the man who canceled the first World Series since 1904.

When the game is played, it will feature the Minnesota Twins, who Bud attempted to scrap, a move that would expand the market of the Milwaukee Brewers, the team from which he completed "divested" himself, after passing it onto his daughter.

The game will feature a special treat: Spider-Man 3 logos painted on all the bases - oh, but don't worry traditionalists. No logos on home plate! No way, not there - because Bud never believed in rank commercialization.

In the first three innings of the game, each team will hit 70 home runs, showcasing the the celebration of modern protein enhancements, which helped dad Bud in his campaign to restore baseball to popularity, after the strike of 1994.

Then, in the fourth inning, all the home runs and all the home run hitters will be abruptly deleted from the box score, as if none of it ever happened. It will be a tie game, and the two teams will play a ONE GAME PLAYOFF... with the winner gets to advance to the real ONE GAME PLAYOFF for the post season, and also for the chance to win home field advantage in next year's All-Star Game, which Bud will call after nine innings, because no team sent pitchers.

In the ninth, with the game designated a tie - (the two teams will play another ONE GAME PLAYOFF to determine who goes to the ONE GAME PLAYOFF) - special ceremonies will be held. Bud will receive the gift of sex from a team of fawning announcers from Fox, or ESPN, or whatever network happens to be paying for the rights - and, by the way, charging about $5 a month to every cable subscriber in America, a de facto tax, whether they care or not about sports. The owners will present Bud with his annual check for $23 million, and Bud will announce that he's done a great job, and that, "Baseball considers itself the luckiest sport on the face of the earth."

A special MLB drone will land on the field, and Bud will be lifted into the sky - straight to Cooperstown for induction ceremonies - while Tim McCarver leads the crowd in singing,  "So Long, It's Been Good Ta Know Ya."

For the next hour, people will gather around the Bud Selig statue, where Alex Rodriguez has been chained, to pose for selfies. Through the miracle of modern technology, the statue will grow live human hair. It'll be great, except that we'll have to see it through the tears.


KD said...

Bud, you can do one last GREAT THING for the game. you know, the games can get pretty long these days and with instant replay, they'll grow even longer. And that's just a 9 inning game. Lord knows how long those extra inning games will drag on. It's bad enough now!

Bud: Create a sudden death procedure that includes the ever-popular home run derby! Here's how it'd work.

All tied up after regulation, each team picks a batter and a "pitcher" to lob to him. Hitter gets 10 swings and the one with the most over the fence wins the game for his team. Some lesser team sports have already addressed the insufferable dullness. Think hockey and soccer.

No more of those tedious 4 to 6 hour games and less work for the players. Bud, they'll love you for that! And the douche bag fans that can't sit still and stay off their phones will love it too. But only a visionary like you, Bud, can make this happen.

I give you the idea, Bud. No charge. Go for it!

Anonymous said...

Buck Foston says,

Bud makes A-Rod look like a saint.

John M said...

I'm with Buck.

And the son of a bitch is going to get away with it. ALL of it.

Never in my life have I been so put off the game of baseball and MLB. Thanks, Bud. Asshole.

John M said...

We're opening the season against the Astros. Might actually win a game down there.

joe de pastry said...