Tuesday, January 7, 2014

There is nothing to say until the A-Bomb hits

I never have nothing to say about the Yankees. Never.

Today, I have nothing to say. Nada. Naught.

Screw the polar vortex. It's not Glycol in the pipes that's frozen; it's the Yankiverse - stuck in a state of suspended animation, speechless and unaware, until super-arbiter Fred Horowitz rules on the fate of our dear Number 13, Awful Alex. This will happen soon, maybe today, maybe as you are reading this. Until the A-Bomb detonates, what is there to say about the 2014 Yankees other than, "Good luck with that!"

Seriously. Wanna talk pitching? Duh. Depends on what Fred says. Will we trade Brett Gardner? I dunno. Why bother to speculate? Until Fred makes a move, we might as well be talking about life forms on Alpha Centari... or that Internet sensation, The Man With Two (2) Penises.

If A-Rod is banned for the season - well, the franchise saves $27 million, which can help buy Masahiro Tanaka, Ubaldo Jiminez, a bullpen, and we can keep Gardy. But The Man With Two (2) Penises plays 3B. Plus, Alex's all-star team of lawyers will try to goose everything into federal court, for a super A-Bomb.

If Bud Selig's ban is banned - well, A-Rod gets his mad money, but at least we have a man at 3B, and considering Alex's critics, hell probably show up in shape. But who pitches? I don't think Hal has a taste for long term contracts, and some team will offer the moon for Tanaka. We might be pitching The Man With Two (2) Penises.

If it's a "wisdom of Solomon" decision, the ban cut to 50-75 games - well, we save $14 million, get A-Rod for the stretch, maybe trade Gardy... and cut The Man With Two (2) Penises in half - which is terrible to ponder, except that each still has one (1) penis.

I've got nothing to say but it's OK, good morning...

1 comment:

John M said...

The Man with Two (2) Penises is actually FROM Alpha Centauri. So is Randy Levine, although due to a quirk of Alpha Centauri genetics, he is one of several Men with No (0) Penises.

Some fans fear that Fred Horowitz is also from the planet Alpha Centauri Bb, but from the dark side of the little orb, where it is common to find a Man with No (0) Balls.

This could impact his decision.

Selig, as many know, is from Callisto, named for the star of TV's Ally McBeagle, which is famous for producing Men with No (0) Hair But Boners for A-Rod.