Top 10 Thoughts of 2014

Things I thought last year:

1. "It's a good thing they print your credit card number on your credit card, because you'd never remember it otherwise." (July 7, on phone, trying to buy tickets to Styx concert.)

2. "If humankind has learned how to put cheese into pretzels, we certainly should be able to prevent war." (April 20, watching Yankee game on TV.)

3. "If Shorty Bloomberg really wants me to come to New York City and spend my money, he should have them sell REAL Rolexes on the sidewalks for ten dollars. THEN I'll go." (March 20, to wife.)

4. “What the hell? Somewhere along the line, gerbils got a bum rap. There’s nothing sick about gerbils. Nothing. I’d get one, but what’s the point?” (Sept. 12, observing animals in pet store. )

5. “Seriously, did anyone REALLY think the Spice Girls would stand the test of time? Because I didn't. So now we're supposed to fall down on our knees for One Direction? Pass the meat loaf!" (Aug. 12, Aug. 20, Aug. 24 and at least 13 other times, sometimes without the "meat loaf" kicker line.)

6. "Jesus Christ! If Vince Lombardi got himself a rest stop, someday Joe Torre should have an entire Thruway system named after him.” (April 23, at Vince Lombardi Rest Stop on New Jersey Turnpike.)

7. “With today's technology, somebody could make a decent living by scanning people’s faces onto paper plates and selling them. You could eat food while staring into a picture of yourself eating. Think about that.” (Numerous times, to young people, whining about opportunities.)

8. "What the hell ever happened to the deviled egg? A fast-food chain could make billions - they would be practically printing money - if they brought out a decent deviled egg." (Numerous times, to everybody.)

9. “I hope the fuckin' bastard who invented boom-boxes enjoys screamer death bands who don’t know the first thing about rock. I hope on his dying day, the sonovabich is lying in a rest home, having to listen to screamer metal crapola played so loud his ears bleed.” (Aug. 12, sitting on beach, trying to hear Yankee game, next to guy playing music on boom box.)

10.  "What the hell? If they’re going to all the trouble of playing music for people who are sitting on hold, why not play decent music? You’d think they’d know that you're calling to buy Styx tickets, so why not play Styx music? Is that too much to ask? What the hell?” (July 7, on phone, trying to buy Styx tickets.)