Monday, April 24, 2017

It's time for the world to hang a subversively phallic nickname on Aaron Judge

Frank Thomas was The Big Hurt. Hideki Matsui was Godzilla. Both would look like Tyrion Lannister compared to Aaron Judge, the biggest player with the biggest number (99, same as Charlie "King Kong" Keller, btw) in the biggest market on - well - only the fifth biggest planet in our solar system. (Way to go, Earth; you ruined my descriptive string.) 

Thus far in 2017, Judge has performed beyond our wettest dreams. If this run continues, he will soon become New York City's biggest star. Right now, he has six homers - (he was jobbed out of a seventh) - tied for third in baseball. He looks graceful in the field, shows a rifle arm and runs like a tight end. Best of all, in our increasingly tribal world, he gives the Yankees what we haven't had in years: The biggest fukkin guy on the field.

For the last decade, whenever we played Boston, they had the biggest guy - David Ortiz. Now, we do. (And don't dismiss this, because any player who has ever imagined a bench-clearing brawl sure doesn't. The Yankees never wanted to tussle with Big Papi, and when Dustin Pedroia gets a peak at Judge, he won't be starting any fights, either.) Nevertheless, Judge has not yet received the all-important nickname that he deserves. John Sterling already has tossed out at least three HR calls - "Here comes the Judge!" "He's the Judge and jury!" "It's Judgement Day!" - The Master is still working on this. But that critical nickname? Nothing. Judge went through the entire Yankee farm system without one. It's almost as if he's too big. 

Colossus? Gargantua? Goliath? Nope. Too small. The Titanic! (Nope, not that.) The Humongus? King Kong? (Obviously, been taken.) Gamera? Mothra. Sharknado? Uh-uh.

My best offer: CLOVERFIELD. 

It's modern, it's New York and, best of all, it has "field" in it.

But no, it doesn't work. And here's why...

Whatever evolves must have a discreetly phallic tone, because all sports nicknames are thinly veiled references to the size and professionalism of the male organ. We have discussed this in the past. There was The Stick, The Toy Cannon, Knobby, The Big Unit, The Penguin, Mister Marlin, Nail, Charlie Hustle, Vlad the Impaler and - of course - Pee Wee Reese. In some cases, the names suggest sexual problems: Sudden Sam McDowell. Mick the Quick Rivers. Rapid Robert Feller... Carl Stump Merrill. 

By the way, this rule covers the entire sports world: All jock nicknames center on sex. Nate Tiny Archibald. Elbert Ickey Woods. Adrian All Day Peterson (which is my personal fave: Who wouldn't want to be known to the ladies as "All Day?" as opposed to Peterson's sad opposite, "Two-Minute Tommy" Kramer.) Lester The Molester Hayes... Doc Blanchard, Mr. Inside... Jerome Kearse, The Freak. 

I consider myself the world's foremost expert on this matter, considering that in the 2009 book, The Final Four of Everything (Simon & Schuster), edited by Mark Reiter and Richard Sandomir, I contributed a 64-nickname bracketology for Sexually Inadequate Sports Nicknames. This covered everyone from Minnie Minoso to Heine Manush. In the end, I had Wee Willie Keeler battle Dennis The Worm Rodman for the all-time jock nickname involving sexual inadequacy. (If you go beyond sports - to everything known to humankind - the final battle would be between Dick Nixon and the comic book character, The Punisher.)

Listen: I am not suggesting that we call Aaron Judge "The Erection," or "Sequoia" or "Doctor Cucumber," or anything along those lines. But this nickname may be the most important thing that Yankee drunkards ever do. For now, I'm going with CLOVERFIELD, but I believe the combined wisdom of this gin-saturated web community will beat my creation. So what is it, folks? This is your chance to make a difference in world history. Let's come up with some names, and let's have a national IT IS HIGH poll. All we need is a moment of inspiration. Who's got it?

 

30 comments:

Anonymous said...

"JUDGENSTEIN"

"JUDGE, JURY, AND EXECUTIONER"

" THE EXECUTIONER"

"99 PROBLEMS"

"99 PROBLEMS AND A BITCH AIN'T ONE"

"ALL RISE!" - (SEXUAL CONNOTATION)

Local Bargain Jerk said...


Aaron the Burin

Sorry, first coffee, first attempt. I'll keep at it.

el duque said...

FYI: Definition of burin:

a tempered steel rod, with a lozenge-shaped point and a rounded handle, used for engraving furrows in metal.
2.
a similar tool used by marble workers.
3.
a prehistoric pointed or chisellike flint tool.

Honey Barnes said...

MOAB

el duque said...

Wow. MOAB... that might be it.

pepitone said...

Aaron "Big Gavel" Judge

el duque said...

Oh, I like THAT.

THE BIG GAVEL.

KD said...

Maybe dust off Dave Winfield's old nickname from when he attended the University of Minnesota. Entire campus called him "Mule Dick". Kinda has a ring to it.

13bit said...

Shlongasaurus

Tiny

Hot Rod

The Louisville Bugger

Spear of Destiny

MOFO

King Snake

OK, I had better go make my 1st cup of coffee. I, too, will crawl away from this thread in search of caffeine and real inspiration. Sorry for my tiny tiny tiny ideas.

KD said...

There is already a Winfield connection!!

http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/baseball/yankees/aaron-judge-big-fan-yankees-great-dave-winfield-article-1.3090162

Local Bargain Jerk said...


Entire campus called him "Mule Dick". Kinda has a ring to it.

Interesting, but isn't this a bit overused on all those glitter-encrusted Valentine's cards from Hallmark?

Or maybe I'm thinking of something else.

More coffee.

el duque said...

I definitely like "Tiny."

el duque said...

And Mule Dick definitely deserves mention.

13bit said...

Hard Justice Judge

Hung Jury Judge (this is admittedly a bad name, but I'm a completionist)

Firehose

King-Size

JUMBO JUDGE

or maybe just "JUMBO"

honestly, I like "Mule Dick," as well. It's got a lot of heart and staying power. Even if he inevitably fades, 22 years from now, we can still affectionately say "Old Mule Dick is limping out of the dugout for one more try at 900..."

13bit said...

or we could do a two-dog show, and call Ronald Alcides Torreyes "Jumbo" and Judge "Tiny," but that will wear thin mighty fast is my guess...

Okay, I'll stop posting to this thread. King Dong has to get back to work...

Anonymous said...

Mister Big.

Moby Quick.

The New York Giant.

The Ghost of Yankees Past said...

The Big Dog

Alphonso said...

If he were Vietnamese, and mostly visiting this country for the duration of his Yankee career, we could call him, " Long Duc Dong."

But I think the nickname thing is a mistake. Why mess with nothing? He might become, " defined," by some nickname and forget his batting approach....and wind up swinging, like Dave Kingman, only for the 457 foot blasts.

Leave him be. He is, at least, playing like a fine ballplayer.

And laying off a few pitches in the dirt, and a few others over his head.

Leave him be.

Anonymous said...

The Bigger Hurt

The Big Dipper

Kahunaville

The Big Bang

DutchFan said...

BOOM.

Thank you.

Victor sotomayor said...

Aaron "The Beast" Judge..Been nicknamed him since last yr..Yankees Worldwide..Victor Sotomayor

DutchFan said...

Boom in Dutch means tree, by the way, and that it can be used in a sexual connotation

Anonymous said...

Aaron "Dream Pipe" Judge

Der Kaiser said...

The Long Arm of the Law.

Anonymous said...

XL

Anonymous said...

TOP 4:
THE BIG GAVEL
HUNG JURY JUDGE
THE BIG BANG
MOAB

HONORABLE MENTION:
THE BIGGER HURT
SCHLONGASAURUS
THE LONG ARM OF THE LAW

Chuck McGlew said...

Since he appears destined to be the "King", how about "Elvis"? Aaron was Elvis's middle name. His HRs certainly leave the building.

Der Kaiser said...

The Hanging Judge!

Anonymous said...

DER KAISER'S HOT!!!

Anonymous said...

HOW ABOUT, "99 SHADES OF GRAY"