Thursday, January 24, 2013

Super-snooty Youk too good to return Joba call

That's not booing you hear. That's the fans crying, "FEUD!" And it's the last thing the 2013 bargain basement Bombers need: A snob third baseman who lacks the fundamental human decency to return a welcoming call to the Yankee family.

Who does Kevin Youkilis think he is? Kevin Brown?

What kind of black-hearted, preening, self-drunk monster receives a friendly message from a new teammate, an olive branch, a peace offering based on the Word of The Man Who Walked On Water - and doesn't even use his fat fingers to pick up the phone and dial a response? I'll tell you what kind of man it is. It's a man who apparently hasn't been beaned enough!

According to the Internet, Youkilis still hasn't return Joba Chamberlain's heartfelt VoiceMail message, sent in December, and which probably was not a wrong number. It took great courage to leave that message. If Youkilis thinks he can ignore a Yankee intonation of hope, and that the Yankiverse will simply spread its arms and hug him to our nippled breasts... I say ha. I SAY HA!

Today, we hear from Youkilis' agent, Joe Bick, which begs another question: WHAT KIND OF IDIOT HAS AN AGENT NAMED JOE BICK? IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE? SICK JOE BICK? He tells the Daily News:

"At the time Joba called him, he had 17 different things going on,” said Youkilis’ agent, Joe Bick. “It’s nothing personal. It’s a complete non-issue."

Seventeen things? I can imagine what they were: 1) Take out trash, 2) match socks in lower drawer, 3) return library book, 4) alphabetize record albums, 5) synch iPod, 6) whittle, 7) see what's on TV, 8) add TV dinner base to giant aluminum foil ball, 9) download porn, 10) have virtual phone sex with Manti Te'o, 11) listen to tapes of Art Bell Show, 12) study face in bathroom mirror, 13) force servants to fight, 14) create death metal playlist for Jacoby Ellsbury birthday party, 15) return phone call to Big Papi, 16) kneel in direction of Boston and 17) pray for death to all Yankees.

This will not be forgotten.

As of today, Kevin Youkilis is hereby on IT IS HIGH Double-Secret Probation.

He better watch out. I won't say anything more because I know the police are watching. (Any reference to the Art Bell Show catches the notice of authority.) But listenup, Redsock: Diss Joba, and you diss our moms.

Youk better get on the phone fast. Or Joe Bick just might get flicked.


Alphonso said...

Youk also has to polish his head four times a day.

I maintain my pledge: I will not watch any Yankee game in which that douchebag plays, waring the pinstripes.

I'm Bill White said...

Does the ban cover the radio call?

SanJoseKid said...

There is no way to say this gently. Red Sox players AND THEIR FANS are a bunch of degenerates. Did you know the average IQ of a Red Sox fan is 27 points lower than the average IQ of a Yankee fan? Duque's most recent post says it all. DeNiro roots for the Yanks, Ben Affleck roots for the Red Sox. What more graphic illustration can you find of the clash between good and evil that is the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry? And that applies to you, too, Yaz. You're a bum. Butch Hobson? You were working for the Russians, weren't you?? I'm with Alphonso. Every time Youk pops his glistening head out of the dugout, I will boo him with all the enthusiasm that I usually reserve for heckling Kevin Millar.

Joe Bick said...

Youk, I just bought you a secondhand snowshovel from some guy in Vermont.