What do the Yankees take us for? Do they think we're going to fall for another false hope? We will not be deceived

As Scotty once told Captain Kirk, "Fool me 100 times, shame on you; fool me 101 times, shame on me." That's what the '14 Yankees plan to do: Fool us... for the 101st time.

Nope. Sorry, Hal. Tough beans, Cash. So long, Joe.

Aint'a gonna hap'n... Cap'n.

Team Evil finished its road trip with two wins over the Tamptown Tiddlies. Yesterday, the way David Cone was gurgling, you'd think Liz Taylor and Michael Jackson just vaulted from their crypts to take the ice bucket challenge. (BTW, shouldn't Dick Cheney take the ice bucket challenge? Come on, Dick! Put that iron ticker to the test!) All season, Girardi's Germs have feasted on crapola teams, then soiled themselves when a contender's bus came into view.

Tomorrow, we start a week-long bucket brigade against canned tomatoes - the Houston "team of 2020" Astros and the White Sox, franchise of the most relentlessly obnoxious human being in history, Hawk Harrelson. If Hal Steinbrenner's overpaid Yankees win five of six, we might gaze at the leader board and find ourselves one stroke behind on the 15th hole - chasing the elusive Wild Card away-game advantage freak show. By then, John and Suzyn will be planning their parade along the Canyon of Heroes, and Coney will be tattooing his butt with images of Steven Drew.

But me? Nope. Bah. I shall remain morbid... deathly morose... no smile, no breathing, a perfect billboard of abject hopelessness. Optimism? For the Yankees? Bah. Aint'a gonna hap'n... Cap'n!

Nope. I've evolved. I've seen this movie. The Yankees win four, rev the believers, pass the fake rattlesnake, empty everybody's wallets, then drop the tent and run for the next town. These are the .500 Yankees. They win one, they lose one. The tide comes in. The tide goes out. Boy gets girl. Boy loses girl. Lassie gets lost. Lassie comes home. Lassie gets lost again. But I'm not signing on.

Oh, OK... I guess it could happen. What if Martin Prado heats up? Did you know, if you finagle a few letters, his last name spells Parade? As in Parade down the Canyon of Heroes? Tanaka is throwing off a flat surface! With him and Pineda returning, it'd be like adding Koufax and Drysdale! Any day now, McCann and Beltran could start hitting! What if Ichiro comes on strong? (He's only 40, you know. For some reason, I had it in my head that he was 41.)

Why... we could snatch that away-field advantage wild card slot from Seattle and leave Cano's team crying in their 10-year contract. Wouldn't that be something?