An absolutely meaningless home series against the Redsocks

Holy crap! It's finally here! That calendar date we circled back in March - it's arrived! Today, the defending world champion Boston Redsocks visit New York. The Hudson River is charged with electricity! Can you feel the ozone? You'd think it's May 12th! Hey, you corporate chieftains and office muskrats: Put away your slide-rules! No work gets done today! The Redsocks are here! Get ready to rumble!

My heart... my heart! O, jeeze... Lemme catch my breath. I didn't sleep last night. Who can sleep on the eve of Martin Prado's debut into the World's Greatest Rivalry. We'll finally see Boston's new star, Humanis Centepedis. Plus, Chris Capuano and Jacoby Ellsbury will face their former teammates in this furious, down-to-the-wire, early September climax. Thank God that Hal Steinbrenner didn't build a dome on the new Yankee Stadium, because it would pop like a giant zit, from all the anticipation crammed inside during this incredible mega-series! I gotta go soak my feet. They're bleeding again from the excitement.

(Half hour later.)

Yo, I'm back! Where were we? Hey, forget what else is on TV tonight! Those other networks - the stupid ones who don't show Yankee baseball 23 hours a day (the last hour devoted to "Centerstage with Michael Kay") - they might as well just show reruns of "Suddenly Susan" starring comedienne Brooke Shields. The entire country - the real America - will be fixed on the real clash of the titans: King Kong vs. Godzilla, Earth vs. Mars, time vs space. Sure - we played them a couple times this summer, but that was before we loaded up with Chase Headley and Rich Hill (who, unfortunately, can't be here.) This is it, folks. This is World War Y!

You know, some folks actually claim that sarcasm doesn't translate into print? Check out this headline. Go ahead. Read it with a straight face.

Yep. Crucial, all right. If the Yankees win - say - nine out the next nine, they'll vault past Cleveland and close the gap behind Seattle and Detroit for the precious away-field advantage in the one-game, winner-take-all, season-in-an-afternoon, TBS-broadcast, fake wild card race. And - whoa-ho - you just know that Boston would love to play spoiler! How they'd love love LOVE to put a crimp in our quest for that big one-game, stop-the-presses, moon rock, chicken of the sea, gemstone of history.

Yep, this is it! We've been waiting all year. Strap yourselves in, everybody. Yankees! Redsocks! New York! Boston! Third place! Last place! IT DOESN'T GET BETTER THAN THIS!