Who will it be???

 

Oh, the tension grows! 

Who who who who who of the Feckless Five will be the very first to homer for your New York Yankees in the 2026 Rerun Season?

Wells and Chisholm, Grisham and Caballero and McMahon/

Write it out in verse/

A terrible futility is born...

They are, together, now at 194 plate appearances without a single Ballantine Blast. Why, with any luck, they could pass the 200 PA mark in this afternoon's contest!

To be fair, the whole team isn't hitting much. Just .218 on the season. The 1968 Yankees—not only the worst-hitting Bombers team but also the worst-hitting major-league team, EVER, since 1900, batted .214. And that was when pitchers could hit. The 1968 squad's hurlers batted all of .090. The position players hit .224—or 6 whole point above Noodniks' Row this year.

To be fair, Food Stamps Hal has insisted on scheduling and playing out one night game after another, despite the Arctic weather of late. But why, again, should we be fair, toward players making millions to play a game they are no longer so good at? (Fun fact: the Yankees' position players are an average of 30.5 years of age—not only the oldest team in the AL, but also the ONLY one over 30.)

The Big Five, shown here, hit 109 home runs between them in 2025, which is no doubt why The Brain thought they would be perfect for the Season of Reruns (next on the schedule: The Bullpen That Doesn't Work!). 

That is a lot of home runs. The top five boppers on the actual Murderers' Row, the 1927 Yankees (Ruth, Gehrig, Lazzeri, Meusel, Combs) hit 139 home runs between them. 

Amongst the other great Yankees teams of yore, the Top Five of the 1961 team (Maris, Mantle, Skowron, Berra, and Howard or Blanchard) hit 186; and the 1939 squad (DiMaggio, Gordon, Dickey, Selkirk, Dahlgren) and 1977 team (Nettles, Jackson, Munson, Chambliss, White) both belted 118. Even on the 1998 Yankees, probably the greatest team of all-time, the Top Five (Martinez, Williams, O'Neill, Strawberry, Jeter or Brosius) hit "only" 121 dingers between them.

Of course, all those players did other things, such as rope doubles and triples all over the park, bat over .300, steal bases, draw walks, and play outstanding ball in the field. 

Our Fan Five is currently striking out over twice as many times as they walk (57-28), they have driven in—collectively—less than one run a game, and none of the Ferocious Five have crossed the Mendoza Line. Ryan McMahon is currently hitting all of .077, which puts him under...I dunno what line. Mason-Dixon? Maginot? 

And even their vaunted defense of late seems...more daunted than vaunted.

But I have faith. I have faith that between the five of them, they will hit a home run this year. My guess is that the first will be Austin Wells, who has proven adept at dumping what should be routine fly balls into the Yanks' Lefty Charity Porch in right field.

What are your picks? Inquiring minds want to know!