Mitchell Commission to probe if juicing is fatal

And if so, what it means after death.

Breaking news! Mitchell takes investigation beyond steroids ...

And here are his unbiased conclusions:

1. Aaron Boone used a corked bat on a juiced ball when hitting that 2003 playoff HR. Sox declared winners.

2. Upon further review, Bucky Dent's home run in 1978 was a foul ball. It was a bad camera angle that made it look like it landed fair in the net. Sox declared winners.

3. After studying the tape, it's been determined that Bill Lee actually kicked Graig Nettles' ass in that 1978 brawl, not the other way around.

4. A recount of the 1941 MVP voting is in. Ted Williams actually won, not Joe DiMaggio.

5. Carlton Fisk's 1975 HR that won Game 6 of the 1975 World Series? After a careful review of the tapes, it turns out that was actually Game 7. Sox win series.

6. Bill Buckner actually fielded that grounder cleanly. It was just an odd shadow effect on the film that made it look like it went though his legs. Sox win series.

7. Brian McNamee admits to injecting Bob Gibson with "whatever was illegal back then" before the 1967 World Series. Though he was born in 1967, McNamee asserts that "I was a pretty mature kid," and investigators have no reason to doubt his word. Cardinals DQ'd, Sox win series.

8. Improper language in the trade agreement for Babe Ruth. Deal voided. Yanks DQ'd in all years Ruth played. Sox declared champs in all those seasons, since, you know, they woulda won if Ruth had played for them.

Let Amy Winehouse speak to the kids; they'll win ballgames

Texas high school coaches conflicted about Roger Clemens. They signed him to their rubber chicken circuit, but now he's the poster boy for power-up butt injections.

From the Times.

Suddenly, however, board members find themselves in an awkward position, forced to deliver an early verdict on Roger Clemens, a Texas folk hero who has volunteered his time to the association while compiling some of the great pitching numbers in major league history.

For the moment, it is being left to the coaches association — a group naturally sympathetic to Clemens — to decide whom to believe: the Mitchell report, with its assertions from Clemens’s private trainer, Brain McNamee, that he injected Clemens with steroids and human growth hormone from 1998 to 2001, or Clemens, who on Tuesday said he had never taken steroids or H.G.H. “in my baseball career, or, in fact, my entire life.”

The coaches should ask themselves, "What would Joe Torre do?"

"Boys and girls, won't you please welcome our keynote speaker, Mr. Scott Proctor."

Time to bring in a new pitcher

Redsock Rudy outlines the Fen way to the White House:

From today's Times:

"A baseball game, you've got to play nine innings, and whoever gets teh most runs at the end of the nine innings wins. So here, you've got to play in 29 primaries."

Has Joe joined his campaign?

Would White House Please Order Destruction of Yankee Playoff Torture Tapes?

At least they have establshed a precedent.

Pathetic Yankee Doormat Gets Stopped on Again

Whatever you do, don't be a mid-level shrub for an organization of rich young jocks and underachieving millionaire offspring. This poor sap probably fed his children the leftover lunchmeat from Brian Bruney's girlfriend's mud-wrestling debut. The IRS nailed him. Don't expect sympathy from the Yankees. They doled out all they had for A-Rod.

NEW HAVEN, Conn. (AP) - New York Yankees traveling secretary David Szen pleaded guilty Tuesday in federal court to filing a false tax return and admitted he failed to report more than $50,000 in tips from players and coaches.

Szen, who took a paid leave of absence during the investigation, was fired Tuesday, said Howard Rubenstein, a spokesman for Yankees owner George Steinbrenner.

He faces six months in prison for failing to pay $10,000 in back taxes over five years.

The 56-year-old from Brookfield, whose reported 2005 income was $63,631, received tips ranging from a few hundred dollars to $10,000 for services provided to unidentified coaches and players during the baseball season.

Since the 1990s, the poor slob was booking flights, hotels and limos. He should have been supplying steroids. Then he'd have gotten immunity. Not to mention a book deal.

Is Huckabee Juicing?

We report. You decide.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

It's NOT Roid Rage!

Rocket makes it, uh, clear.

Arod's got a new agent

Supposedly just for movie projects, but what does he need Borat for now, anyway?

(Above, Arod in "Christmas in the Bronx.")

Excitement in the Air: Only 104 Days to Opener

Start spreadin' the news!

YOUNG STEINBRENNER LION STUBBY TEAMS WITH ALL-NATURAL A-ROD ("60 MINUTES" APPROVED) AND HGH SKIN CREAM CONDITIONERS TO LEAD QUEST FOR YANKEE WILD CARD DYNASTY.

Good seats still available.

THE TOP 10 YANKEE PROSPECTS, BASED ON NAME POTENTIAL

'Tis the season when authorities write their Top 10 Prospects lists, based on what they read in blogs, so they can later have predicted all that happened.
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Unfortunately, we’ve never seen these guys, and without stool samples, couldn't measure them anyway.
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But when you heard the name,“Melky Cabrera,” didn’t you KNOW he was a player? "Joba Chamberlain." Didn't you know?
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“Ramiro Mendoza.” Twirl the syllables on your tongue: “Ra-meeer-o-men-doah-za.”
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That’s a name.
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Thus, THE TOP TEN YANKEE PROSPECTS, BY NAME.

FIRST, WE OFFICIALLY MOURN THE LOSS: Tyler “The Yankee” Clippard. (Gone. Traded. Still our favorite. Worse, we can’t pronounce the guy we got.)

10 . Seth Fortenberry. (OF, single A. Can we sign a Chocula?)

9. Ryan Pope. (Pitcher. High draft pick. “POPE EXCOMMUNICATES BLUE JAYS")

8. Alberto Gonzalez. (Got him for Big Unit. Fell after his namesake quit to spend more time water-boarding with his family.)

7. Brad Suttle. (Not subtle. High draft pick. Didn’t hit a lick in the winter league. Plays 3B. Big future in this organization, eh?)

6. Prylis Cuello. (Plays 2B. Supposed to be good. We need a SS named Charybdis, so a grounder to CF must navigate between Prylis and Charybdis.)

5. Juan Miranda. (From Cuba, big muther, plays 1B, huge power, no glove. Arguing a call, he’ll read the ump his rights.)

4. Jesus Montero. (‘Nuff said.)

3. TIE: Anthony Claggett and Freuny Parra. (Pitcher from trade, low-level pick-up from the Latin American Youth Exploitation League.)

2. Melky Mesa. (Li’l Melky. Except he’s 6’1”, bigger than big Melky.)

1. Elvys Quezada. (Pitcher. The spelling. The name. The Q. The “z.” El Quezada! Elvys is Kyng! Unfortunately, he’s a bum.)

Honorable mention:
Chase Odenreider.
Reegie Corona.
Ivan Nova.
Luke Trubee.

YANKEETORIAL: What the Mitchell Report Really Tells Us

Last week, ending months of enduring more leaks than Mamie van Doren's implants, George Mitchell raised the most troubling concerns about fairness in this country since Clay Aiken was denied the crown of "American Idol."
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Mitchell unveiled a laundry list of baseball players who turned to performance-enhancing drugs in order to recover from injuries and get back to work faster. Along with the images remindful of McCarthy Era mobs, which are always fun, the report raised one serious question:
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Why aren't the rest of us getting the good stuff?
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We get sick. We get hurt. We get tired.
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Aren't we worthy enough to be allowed to grow another inch?
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Why do stars get HGH, while we get told to eat more celery?
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If a 300 MG butt-poke of rocket fuel will allow me to sell more magazine subscriptions over the phone and, thus, perform as a more highly tuned economic engine, why is the U.S. medical system failing me?
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As the presidential candidates sell their health care plans, let's hope they take heart to the real message of the Mitchell Report:
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Let the rest of us hit some home runs, too.
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HGH in 2008!

Is Rice Juicing?

From "Talking Fitness With Condoleezza Rice"
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"WASHINGTON -- Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is a woman who meets with princes and prime ministers but never misses a date with her personal trainer."
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Later
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"I feel better when I exercise. I think I think better when I exercise," Rice said. "When I get up at 4:30 I'm like anybody. I don't want to face the day. I think, 'Oh, I have to do this, I have to do that.' And after 40 to 45 minutes of exercising, I'm ready to go. So for me, it's not just physical, but mental, as well."
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She has resistance work with her trainer three days a week.
.
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A case of abusing Human Death Hormore?

Asterisk on the Oscars: Is Swank Juicing?

From the Daily Mail:

"Oscar-winning actress Hilary Swank has always had a reputation as one of Hollywood's down to earth stars. But the "Boys Don't Cry" star admitted that she relies on a staggering health regime made up of 45 daily supplements as well as a series of vitamin injections."

Lest we forget...

Our serious dope problem.

Witness Protection?

According to a report: One active Major League Baseball player was able to keep his name out of former Senator George J. Mitchell’s report of performance-enhancing drugs in baseball even though he bought them, Mr. Mitchell said Friday. When he was notified by Mitchell’s investigators that they had evidence linking him to buying drugs from a former New York Mets clubhouse employee, this player brought his lawyer and met with Mitchell.

Was Robertson Juicing?

From the Rev. Pat Robertson's web site:

"Did you know that Pat Robertson, through rigorous training, leg-pressed 2,000 pounds!

"Watch a video of Pat leg-pressing 1,000 pounds.

"Where does Pat find the time and energy to host a daily, national TV show, head a world-wide ministry, develop visionary scholars, while traveling the globe as a statesman?
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"One of Pat's secrets to keeping his energy high and his vitality soaring is his age-defying protein shake. Pat developed a delicious, refreshing shake, filled with energy-producing nutrients."

YANKEETORIAL: WHY DID "VIAGRA" MITCHELL LET FANS SLIDE?

Open letter to George Mitchell:

Dear Madam or Sir:

Yesterday, you said the following:

"Everyone involved in baseball over the past two decades — commissioners, club officials, the players' association and players — shares to some extent the responsibility for the Steroids Era. There was a collective failure to recognize the problem as it emerged and to deal with it early on."

Well, well... that about covers it, eh? Let's see... the Commish... the teams... the players... the union... you forgot their wives and children... but that should do it, right?

WRONG.

WHAT ABOUT THE BIGGEST ENABLERS: THE FANS?

That's right, Mitchell, you Redsock toadie. The fans.

They're the ones who buy the logo underwear, read the ignorant memoirs, clap to the Gary Glitter (child molester) song and basically ruin baseball for the rest of us.

Why do the players shoot up? Because the fans demand it.

Why do the teams look the other way? Because the fans look the other way.

Why is baseball corrupt? Because the fans are corrupt.

WHEN WILL MLB SHOW THE GUTS TO CRACK DOWN ON ITS DIRTIEST LAUNDRY? THE JERKS WHO SIT IN THE STANDS.

Think about it. Eliminate the fans. Play the games in solitude, without interference by those loathsome, chubby yips who scream into people's ears, litter the grounds with candy wrappers, and form lines 100-feet long in front of you when you have to go to the bathroom, and you can't wait.

THEY ARE RUINING THE GAME.

Frankly, sir, we were hoping for more from you. We guess the Viagra must be clouding your mind.

Selig Vows Proctological Exams for Players

Says he'll do it himself.

William S. Burroughs, Baseball Writer

An essay in William S. Burroughs' book The Adding Machine explains what 19th century drifters, thieves and addicts meant when they spoke of The Johnson Family:

In this world of shabby rooming houses, furtive gray figures in dark suits, hop joints and chili parlours the Johnson Family took shape as a code of conduct. To say someone is a Johnson means he keeps his word and honors his obligations. He's a good man to do business with and a good man to have on your team. He is not a malicious, snooping, interfering self-righteous trouble making person.

(Burroughs had a name for "malicious, snooping, interfering self-righteous trouble making person[s]." He called them Shits.)

Yes you get to know a Johnson when you see one. The cop who gave me a joint to smoke in the wagon. The hotel clerk who tipped me off I was hot. And sometimes you don't see the Johnson. I remember a friend of mine asked someone to send him a hash cake from France. Well the asshole put it in a cheap envelope with no wrapping and it cut through the envelope. But some Johnson had put it back in and sealed the envelope with tape.

Former Yankee trainer Brian McNamee is no Johnson [New York Times].

First Look: Companion Video to Mitchell Report Out Now!

See the breathtaking video here!

Mitchell Report excerpt II: On Manny Ramirez

"At times during our exhaustive probe, we became too weary to continue. In those moments, Mr. Manny Ramirez of the World Champion Redsocks provided spirit and dignity, not only in verbal encouragement, but in his delicious protein shakes.

"We thank Mr. Ramirez, not only for his gamesmanship, but for the courage he shows in living a drug-free life, and also for the members of his "posse," with whom this writer was fortunate enough to become particularly close.

"Thanks to Mr. Ramirez' shakes, this former Senator found himself spry enough to dance many a "jig" to the hippity-hop tunes played in his "raves." And if anyone doubts the intensity of my investigation, they are wrong. I probed each of Mr. Ramirez cousins, personnally and satisfactorily, and I look forward to probing them again. Why would anyone need steroids? Linseed oil is a gift from God!"

Mitchell report exceprt: On the Redsocks

"One team stood out far above the rest as champions of fair play and drug-free competition. So clean and hopeful was this organization that several times, our secret investigators sought to infiltrate the clubhouse, dangling millions of dollars in front of mininum wage towel folders in an attempt to have them "spill" information about the Redsock organization.

"Turned out, there was nothing to find... except a truly great team, a truly great bunch of guys, and a truly great organization... champions of the world, which I hope to see in the coming months firsthand, so that I can congratulate them over lunch. Bully!"

Breaking:

Liza with a bunch of ZZZZZs.

Saviors of the Game

Sleep easy, Boston.

All quiet on the whitewash front. Uncle George found no juice among your mighty Redsocks.

All the problems happened five years ago, done by those big bad Yankees.

Yankees mentioned in the today's Roid Report:

Kevin Brown.
Mike Stanton.
David Justice.
Chuck Knoblauch.
Jason Grimsley.
Jason Giambi.
Gary Sheffield.
Andy Pettitte.
Roger Clemens

Redsocks mentioned.

Mo Vaughn. (long ago)
Eric Gagne (whom they despise)
Roger Clemens (whom they despise even more.)

George can dine at the Harvard Club knowing his investments remain secure.

One name popped up: Howie Clark, of the Toronto Blue Jays. Maybe that explains why he dropped that pop-up. A-Rod shouted, "Juicer!"

YANKEETORIAL: DREAMING STUBBY DREAMS

Since his nepotistic ascension to post of Senior Yankee Buttcrack, we’ve assumed Hank “Stubby” Steinbrenner to be a Dolly the Sheep clone of his dad: an evil, impulsive, dictatorial clod of gasbaggery who spreads money like manure over the furrowed filth of his constant booboos, leaving the rest of us to reconsider communism.
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And yes, Stubby looks like a 20-watt bulb, with the cigs dangling from his double-chin potato mug, claiming he is not stupid, which is the first pure sign of a medulla appendectomy, as he prepares to trade our future for another pitched-out chug-a-lug.
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But… it hasn't happened yet.

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In fact, the Stubster has done what nobody in baseball ever could do (except in the post-season, when everyone does it): Make A-Rod look like a fool. Granted, he brought the choke collar back and will pay him too much. But, hey, considering that our other 3B option was the ghost of Charlie Hayes, it could be worse

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Consider this quote from Wednesday’s Times, when Hank was asked if he had seen the Mitchell report:

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“No, we really haven’t,” he said. “I think we’re speculating about it as much as everybody else. We really have no idea. I’m sure every team, every owner and every general manager is wondering the same things.”

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Hm-mm. Cogent. Lucid. He might pass a breathalyzer.
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Did the Times clean it up from the usual manglese?
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Or have we been too harsh on the Prodigal Stub?
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Is Stubby baseball’s version of dismal Poohbah offspring such as George W. Bush, Kim Jong Il and Ben Stiller? Or are we wrong about Stubby?
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Might he be baseball’s Nora Jones, the daughter of that sixties dude with the LSD and sitar: a dazzling, fresh-faced pixie who lives to make us ask, "What's next?"
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I’d have to go with George Bush and Kim Jong Il.
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But if we can dream of trading Wilson Betemit for decent shower massage, why not dream Stubby dreams?

The Yankees' 2008 Savior?

The Rajah of Rehab a/k/a American Idle a/k/a Carl Pavano wants to return to the Yankees late in the 2008 season. “I really still believe he can help the team in the second half of this season coming up,” his new (4th) agent, Tom O’Connell said.

Despite signing with the Yankees for $39.5 million in 2004, O’Connell said that Pavano was concerned about going down to the minors (as the team asked) because he was only 11 days from accruing 10 years’ service time in the majors and thus a full pension.

Apparently, the wily righty had invested his funds in highly speculative bonds tied to sub-prime mortgages, which is why he is so worried about his pension, according to an exclusive report that we just made up.

“I’m very excited to be representing him,” O’Connell said Tuesday. “I really, truly believe he’s going to have a very happy ending — hopefully.”

Fans Lined Up For Miles Awaiting Release of Mitchell Report

Makes a great stocking stuffer!

Mitchellsox Report Coming Due

The Mitchell Commission, led by the Boston blueblood who greased John Henry's path to buying the Redsocks, is preparing to release his long-awaited report on steroids in every team in baseball, except for one.

Can you guess the name of that lucky team?

ESPN can.

That issue came to the forefront when word leaked just before the pivotal Game 6 of October's ALCS between Cleveland and Boston, won by the Red Sox, that Indians pitcher Paul Byrd had purchased human growth hormone. A day later, Mitchell released a statement denying any involvement in the Byrd leak.

"It doesn't make a difference what they say," an American League source said
regarding Mitchell. "He's one of them."

Later...

"It didn't come from Mitchell," a league source said of the Byrd leak. "It's ridiculous. Does anybody think that George Mitchell would risk everything he's built over his career just to help the Red Sox win a game?"

While much of the emphasis regarding steroid use has focused on West Coast teams such as Oakland, San Francisco and San Diego, three players who admitted to using steroids -- Canseco, Jeremy Giambi and Paxton Crawford -- spent time with the Red Sox. Another, the former American League MVP Mo Vaughn, admitted that in 1998 he used Pro-HGH, an oral form of human growth hormone. In 2000, Boston police found steroids and syringes in a car owned by shortstop Manny Alexander that had been loaned to the team batboy.

Dream on...

There's speculation that we might swing Johan Santana by adding Kei Igawa into the mix.

Hey, as long as you're dreaming, knock yourself out.

Redsocks Lose Gagne

Godspeed, old chum.

(P.S. For those of you scoring at home, outfielder and former Redsock 1st round draft pick David Murphy hit .340 last year for Texas.)

Once we were warriors

Vizzy, gone? NOOOOOOOO

The sportswriters say Vizcaino is leaving.

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Who shall ever forget that night, October 21, 2000 in Game 1: Bottom of the 12th! Longest game in World Series history! The plunky infielder delivers the game-winning hit!

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Huh? Wrong Vizcaino?

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Hm-mm.

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This is the Vizcaino who on Oct. 5, 2007, walked the Cleveland Indian leadoff man, Kenny Lofton, in the bottom of the 11th, then gave up an 0-2 single to the great Franklyn Gutierrez, and so on. He ended the game, and our season, conceding a bases-loaded single to Travis Hafner, after pissing up the count to 3-2.

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Hey, at least he didn't walk in the run.

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So long, Vizzy. Good night and good luck.

Latoya or LaTroy?

Jackson or Hawkins?

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Both share the name prefix "La."

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The first Yankee reliever to do so since Dave LaPoint.

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Both have large breasts.

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The first Yankee reliever to sport serious cleavage since Chris Britton, Brian Bruney... well, actually, most last year showed peak foliage.

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Should we draw conclusions from this?

The Zuvella Prophecy -- Meach's Return

Paul Zuvella hit .222 in 9 big-league seasons.

But Zuvella -- the prospect who sealed Bobby Meacham's fate in a 1987 demotion to Columbus -- is batting .1000 when it comes to prophesizing the Meach's return to the Bronx.

Of the very man whose job he stole, Zuvella said with the conviction of a man foretelling a vengeful return, "it's not the last of Bobby Meacham you're going to see."

How right you were, Paulie Z., son of Stanford U.

How right you were.

Every Bit a Class Act

Our Yankee ambassador to the Carribean, Carl Pavano has graciously accepted an invitation to join a minor league team.

Look for a new top gun in the 2008 Atlantic Coast League!

Signature Home Run Call: Osama bin Laden

“It is high, it is far, it is an Allah-Bammer! Do not celebrate, American dogs, for your next 1,000 flies shall die at your warning track.”

Barry Bonds' Plea: Not Juicy

Barry, Barry

Barry, Barry, quite contrary,
How does your body grow?
With "the Cream" and "the Clear" twelve times a year,
And testicles high in tow.

Barry, Barry, quite millionary,
How do you bring such awe?
With growth hormone and testosterone,
And breasts that need a bra.

Barry, Barry, quite extraordinary,
Why do you take such risks?
With urine purges and roida urges
And records with asterisks.

From "Mrs. Goose Goes to Washington," the best book (and holiday gift!) of 2007

Just You, Right, Andy? No Rocket? Welcome Back, Dude!!!

The story.

OPEN LETTER TO BRIAN CASHMAN

Dear Madam or Sir,

Here is how you save the Yankees:

1. Call Hideki Matsui and grovel, threaten, cajole, whatever... and get him to waive his no-trade clause to a West Coast team.

2. Call the LA Dodgers and pitch Matsui as their new clean-up hitter, noting the marketing possibilities with Japan (not including the Benihana Steak House).

3. Add a decent prospect, a notch below Ian Kennedy, and get the Dodgers and Giants in a bidding war for him and Matsui. (Note: They both have young stud pitchers.)

4. Flip the new guy, with Melky and a low-level prospect, to Minnesota for Johan Santana.

5. Send Theo Epstein a subscription to Man-Boy Love Gazette.

Slum-Rod?!?

The NY Times' Catwoman takes a poke at the Prodigal Infielder on her way out the door to her new gig at Spurts Insinuated.

Boston and Minnesota Still Having "Intense" Talks

NASHVILLE _ Though the winter meetings had ended Thursday, Redsock and Twins officials remained behind closed doors, reportedly locked in deep discussions.
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Wet hotel towels were jammed beneath the door to Boston GM Theo Epstein’s suite, presumably to keep sounds from seeping out. Several room service pizzas and peanut butter & jelly sandwiches had been ordered to the room number, and one source described the tone of talks inside as “unbefuckingleebabbo.”
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“Theo was like, what if you take two moments in time, one right after another, and you, like, BAM! freeze time, so you got two snapshots? But they're different! They're not the same! They fuckin' changed, dude. So, like, Theo goes, 'When did the movement occur? When did it happen, dude?' And I'm like,'Fuck.' Theo, he's is in-fuckin-tense.”

The Giants Want Godzilla

To replace The Amazing Colossal Beast.

Vote Or Shut Up

Vote for the A.H.O.Y. -- AssHole Of the Year -- the person who did more than anyone else to ruin 2007! It's easy, fast, fun, and gambler-friendly. Plus: no paper trail!

Redsock GM Epstein said to have opened talks with self

NASHVILLE _ Rumors circulated throughout the baseball winter meetings Wednesday that Boston general manger Theo Epstein has opened "intense" talks with himself, which could bring forth a major event by the end of the day.

Previously, Epstein had sought to keep a tight lid on his discussions, but word leaked last night that he has requested medical information on himself, and that a exhaustive, one-player deal was nearing culmination, pending his own carefully administered self-physical.

Earlier in the week, the talks were rumored to be running hot and cold, according to sources. But Wednesday, Epstein canceled meetings with other general managers and the media, so he could stay in his hotel room and focus all his remaining energy into bringing the talks to a satisfying fruition.

One high-level Redsock source said Epstein was "increasingly excited" about the talks, and that Boston fans will be pleased with whatever comes out of them.

"This thing is big and getting bigger," the source said. "Theo's working it hard. I worry when I see that noose around his neck, but hey, his track record speaks for itself. If this falls apart now, I can't tell you how frustrated Theo will be."

For The World Is Hollow And I Have Touched The Sky

The Seattle Times' Geoff Baker, Mariners beat reporter and prolific blogger, lets us in on the utterly messed-up weirdness that is the site of the Winter Meetings:



Gaylord Opryland Resort and Convention Center's own propaganda makes the place out to be even more appalling:

Under majestic, climate-controlled glass atriums, you'll be surrounded by nine acres of lush indoor gardens, winding rivers and pathways, and sparkling waterfalls where you can unwind, explore, shop, dine, and be entertained to your heart's content. Highlights include a 44-foot waterfall, fountain shows, and tours aboard our Delta Flatboats - right inside the hotel.

Ghaaah. Think of something else... Hey! Dontrelle Willis has a blog!

Stubby v. Dubby: Battle of the Disappointing Sons

STUBBY BORN: April 2, 1957

DUBYA BORN: July 6, 1946

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STUBBY EARLY ACHIEVEMENT: Board member, Ocala Breeders’ Sales Co.
DUBYA EARLY ACHIEVEMENT: Did not get booted out of Texas National Guard
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STUBBY WORKOUT: Two packs a day
DUBYA WORKOUT: Stairmaster with Condi
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STUBBY ULTIMATUM: 24 hours to trade Santana or else.
DUBYA ULTIMATUM: 24 hours for Saddam to leave, or 100,000 die.
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STUBBY DISMISSAL: Joe Torre.
DUBYA DISMISSAL: U.S. Constitution

Let's cook!

I'd rather listen to Abraxas, anyway.

John Sterling's next challenge

Monday, we traded Tyler (The Yankee) Clippard to Washington for reliever Jonathan Albaladejo.

What'll be John's signature call when "Alba" records the final out?

"Al-be-al-be-al-be-al-be-al-bee, THAT'S ALL, FOLKS."

Write this down: The season is over

It's official. Columnist Bob Klapsich has spoken:

By allowing Santana to wriggle free, the Yankees have doomed themselves to second-tier status in the East.

Wow.

For the first time in years, we show some spine and stick to our guns, and we have to answer to clowns like this.

À la recherche du temps perdu

Friend-of-the-blog Hart Seely wrote a piece in yesterday's Washington Post [registration required]. Remember how good you felt when Paul McCartney started doing Beatles songs again? When Bruce Willis started playing the Die Hard Guy again? When Gary Sheffield started pissing whitey off again? Well, Seely's doing Rumsfeld poetry again!

PARRY AND THRUST

REDSOCK FAN, 7:55 P.M:
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This is making me feel significantly better (from ESPN.com). I am sure it will do the same for you.
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ESPN the Magazine's Buster Olney reported early Tuesday that the Twins asked the Red Sox for permission to review the medical records of pitcher Jon Lester, amid indications a Red Sox-Twins trade could go down sometime during the early-morning hours.
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RESPONSE, 8:01 P.M.
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That will be very interesting if it happens, because there aren't many people in baseball who won't see it for what it is: A gift by the Twins... If it happens, fine.
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As long as we don't trade our young pitchers, there will come a day when Boston really, really regrets that Santana didn't go to the Yankees. And I'm still thinking about all the baggage that comes with two pitchers making $260-$270 million. Will Santana get his own jet, as Dice K got? Will they all get jets. Welcome to New York. That's where you're going to be.
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REDSOCK FAN, 8:05 P.M.
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This, too, makes me feel better. The Stub-man in charge.
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All this took place while the Yankees counted down toward their self-imposed Monday night deadline, set by senior vice president Hank Steinbrenner, who said the Yankees had the best deal on the table and threatened to walk away if the Twins didn't say yes.
"It's still something that we can't do," Steinbrenner said Tuesday morning, according to The Associated Press. "As far as I'm concerned, it's probably off."
.
RESPONSE 8:15 PM:
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I'm glad you feel better. I just heard that the Marlins sent Donitrelle and Miguel Cabrera to the Tigers for six players, which means the Angels are vaulting back into the Santana race, and the Yankees are out. I can live with that. Looks like Coco might be back in crimson hose.
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REDSOCK FAN 8:20 PM:
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I still think, and hope, that you guys swoop in. I mean everything fits in better with the Yanks.
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RESPONSE 8:25 PM:
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I don't think it's gonna happen.
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Stubby has ruled. Check this out:
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The Newark (N.J.) Star-Ledger reported that senior vice president Hank Steinbrenner, who had hoped to have resolution on the issue by Tuesday morning, ended the trade talks.
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REDSOCK FAN, 8:33 PM.
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And when Stubby speaks...
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RESPONSE 8:35 PM
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When Stubby speaks, the cigarette in his mouth does a little Rockettes dance. It's very kinky.

Subject: I Kicked Dave Trembley's Ass on Xbox!

Dear Mary:

Just wanted to shoot you a quick email from the hotel room.

This is the best Winter Meeting I've been to!

More vacation than work, really.

The new Boss is being sooo nice -- he said something about him being busy with "Yankee stuff" and not wanting me to be bored, etc., so he gave me, like, 20 bucks to "hit the arcade with."

What he doesn't know is they have free video games at Kidz Space -- so I'm going to see how far that Andrew Jackson gets me at Jack Daniel's Saloon! Sucker!

I turned on the TV last night and saw something about Johan Santana on SportsCenter, but I didn't pay much attention, is he OK? I hope he didn't get caught up in that Chavez stuff in Venezuela.

Anyway, I gotta run -- meeting some of the guys for a game of Guitar Hero III at Kidz Space.

Miss you,

Bri

What is it, Redsocks: Deal or No Deal?

Come on, Boston... do it.

DO IT.

TRADE FOR HIM. GET HIM.

YOU'LL NEVER LOSE AGAIN.

MAKE THE DEAL... so we don't.

Future ultimatums by Hank Steinbrenner

“Osama bin Laden: Give yourself up now, or we trade Hideki Matsui.”

“As of Tuesday, the Red Sox are in trouble. BIG TROUBLE.”

“Iraqis: Cut the shit. Now. I’m not even gonna say what’ll happen. Cut the shit. Right. Now."

“No more beer for Britney Spears broad. As of YESTERDAY, she’s CUT OFF.”

“From now one, you guys on street corners who sell Rolexes for $10, they gotta be real Rolexes.”

“No more making fun of gerbils. I don't get the joke. There's nothing wrong with gerbils.”

“I'm counting down from three, and when I finish, no more talk about the Spice Girls.”

“Monday, the guy who invented the boom-box sits in my office with my staff screaming until his ears bleed, so he can know what he did.”

“By 2015, we grow a secret island of clones, who think they’re going on vacation, but in fact, we use them to harvest organs. I got the idea from a movie. We could of saved Mickey.”

“From now on, when the Yankees put somebody on hold, the phone plays decent music, like Styx.”

“No more restaurant menus longer than four pages. Christ, on page six, you can’t even remember what the appetizers were!"

Stubby's Christmas Songbook

Hark, the Sox and Angels seek
Santana! We can't be meek!

Trade Melky, and Ian too;
Kick in Phil, and if that won't do

Send Cano, it's no great loss;
We'll just go and sign Troy Glaus

Add Joba to seal the deal
And we'll have Johan, what a steal!

I've got us back on the right track,
Now let's get Randy Johnson back!

Live-blogging Stubby's deadline watch

5:15 p.m. E.S.T. Nothing doing. Excited. Looking to generate some web traffic.

6:20 p.m. E.S.T. Nothing yet. Screen still refreshing constantly. Waiting for the word.

7:02 p.m. E.S.T. Any minute now. Getting revved for the news.

7:03 p.m. E.S.T. I got a feeling. Tick, tick, tick.

7:67 p.m.: E.S.T. Gotta happen soon. In meantime, will write something witty.

8:04 p.m.: E.S.T. Screen still refreshing. Just realized typo above. Ha!

8:08 p.m. E.S.T. Screen wouldn't load. Almost thought I had something.

9:02 p.m.: E.S.T. Still nothing. I gotta go to the bathroom. Do you blog about that?

9:10 p.m. E.S.T. Wow. A Barry Manilow concert on PBS!

9: 34 p.m. E.S.T. Barry just sang, "He Aint Heavy, He's My Brother." Man, the world could use that kind of sentiment. It's a long long roa-ad. From which there is nooo return. While we're on the way to there. Whyyyyyyy not share? And the load... DUH ZIN TWAY ME DAWWWW NI TALLLL... haintevy, he my bruther... Amen.

Signature Home Run Call: Joe Buck

“Tomorrow, it’s nonstop action, fly ball, on ’24’ as Jack follows a deadly trail to stop a nuclear bomb. Don’t miss ’24,’ deep, following ‘Prison Break,’ tomorrow night, home run, on Fox.”

Raines, Justice and Knoblauch, HOF

On this day of deadlines, let's look back at three guys with rings who now find themselves on the HOF ballot for the first time: Tim Raines, David Justice and Chuck Knoblauch.

Deadline: Tonight

By morn, we’ll feel the fires,
On winds from Santa Anna.
Will we keep our sanity?
Or trade it for Santana?

By morn, we’ll see our futures
As great, or also-ran.
Will we keep our dignity?
Or trade it for Johan?

The morn shall be our deadline,
The dawn, to win or lose.
Will we keep our future?
Or will we trade Phil Hughes?

Syncopathia 101

In today's Daily News, Billy Madden has lunch with Stubby (above, photographed by Madden) and barely rises above the table to wash it down.

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In this Golden Age of Nepotism, this is what sportswriters must do. Excerpts:

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HEART OF GOLD: In that respect, I thought, Hank is just like his dad when it comes to having a soft heart for old Yankees.

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ON FATHER: He was pretty big, turning an initial $8.8 million investment into a billion-dollar empire while restoring the Yankees as the most prestigious franchise in sports. Hard as it was to work for Steinbrenner, following his act figures to be even harder for his two sons.

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THE HORROR: What was the most important thing you learned?" I asked him.
"The mistake of trading young pitching," he answered quickly. "It killed me seeing all those young pitchers we traded back then - (Scott) McGregor, (Jose) Rijo, (Doug) Drabek - who went on to have great careers because we just didn't have the patience. If there's one thing that's going to be different between me and my dad it's patience."

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WITTY EXCHANGE: "In the respect of being the front guy, that's gonna slow down now. This is my last interview."
"You sound like (Richard) Nixon," I said. "Are you saying we won't have Hank to kick around anymore?"
He laughed.

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He laughed, HE LAUGHED!

YANKEETORIAL: Beating the Drums for a New Fiasco

It's like watching the run up to the war in Iraq.

All year, we vow to plunge forward, according to a plan: We'll push youth, build the future, avoid the old ways.

And then, poof.

We're about to trade Melky Cabrera, Phil Hughes and somebody else -- better believe, it'll be a solid prospect -- for Johan Santana, "the best pitcher in baseball," as the scribes love to say. (They also say he's only 28, but he'll be 29 in spring training.)

Poof.

I blame the syncopaths who cover New York sports. Everything they write is pitched to one notion: Suck up. Suck up. Suck up.

The Yanks read the writers, and the writers read the Yanks, and we talk ourselves into anything. We make policy through a talk-loop with people who never played pro baseball, never made a trade and never face accountability for a bad deal.

And everything is predicated on what the Redsocks might do. Everything.

Consider this tidbit in today's article by Pete Caldera, who covers the Yankees for North Jersey media, talking about his Yankee source: "The source also indicated that the Yankees have not felt pressured by what the Red Sox are currently offering."

Uh-huh? Really?

Well, that leaves two possiblities: The source is a lying sack of shit. Or it's the cab-driver who takes Caldera to weekend dolphin-sighting excursions in the Hudson River.

Are the Yanks so lost that their entire focus now is on what the Redsocks might do?

Sure seems so.

Wasn't that why Boston never could win?

We are now the Redsocks.

Poof.