Visit to Future Yank CC Sabathia's Southern California Home

Joel the Mole says were going to blow away CC with moolah, cabbage, bread, Jack... life-sustaining green blood of Christ. Twenty-five million? Who cares? It's not our money. It's Cashman Cash, which means it comes from the taxpayers.

But to win the heart of Double-C, we must visit the beautiful home he's built in Southern California.

Up close, you can really appreciate his archetectural handiwork. Here's his trophy room facility.

Hey, look ! CC has left us a message. He must trying to drive up the price.

When CC feels wanderlust, he has a special way of traveling.

To coax him to NY, we might incorporate some of his designs into the new Yankee Stadium.

He has a strict dress code for personal assistants.

Let's just hope that after all the bickering about money, we can kick back and let CC spend time with the Captain.

"I look back at those four years with the Yankees, it was exhausting."

Iron Man Pavano reflects.

"If I was healthy, no doubt about it, the team would have benefited and I would have benefited."

No doubt about it.

A Lefty!

Yanks sign Marte. Yay!

Red Socks to fans: "We know you are poor"

Boston, Mass. -- In a stunning move today by the front office of the Red Socks' organization, the team announced plans to not raise ticket prices any higher than the 2008 pricing guide. This is the first time in 14 years the Socks have not raised ticket prices on their loyal fan base.

IIH, IIF, IIc obtained this comment from franchise majority owner John Henry in the early hours of the morning, moments before sunrise, as he walked briskly from his office on the top floor of Fenway Park to his coffin in the bowels of the old, ramshackle stadium:

"We understand the hardships many of our fans in Red Sock Nation are facing this winter with the economy going down like a plane full of Kennedys and the very real possibility of a recession looming," the Count of Back Bay said. "By keeping our ticket prices at the same level as they were in 2008 for the upcoming season, we felt it would make it easier for Bob the Bartender, Kim the Cab Driver, Frank the Fry-o-lator operator at McDonalds and Pam the Prostitute to continue to support the hometown team. We know that most of our fans work minimum wage jobs, and we know most of them are poor, so anyway we can help, we will."

Henry also confided to IIH, IIF, IIc that in addition to keeping ticket prices the same as in 2008, the team will also start accepting $50 in food stamps at the gate for admission to a newly constructed standing-room only section in Fenway Park, known as "The Sub-Standard and Poor" section, located outside the men's shitter in the underground parking garage. The SS+P section will be furnished with a 19-inch black and white TV on a live feed from the park.

Reports out of Boston indicate this is the area of Fenway Park where Pedro Martinez and David Ortiz used to conduct underground cock-fighting matches, but now the space will be used to house lucky fans.

"Our fans have been so great to us ever since we started winning, we felt it was the least we could do," Henry said as the door to his coffin was hammered shut for the day.

IIH, IIF, IIc has also learned but has yet to confirm that ten pounds of government-issued cheese will also grant admission into the SS+P section.

Open Letter to Yankiverse: Is ARod Going Over the Edge?

Dear Fellow Particles within the Yankee Matrix...

Quietly, surgically, inalterably... the unthinkable is happening.

We are watching the greatest ballplayer of our era morph into Wilmer Valderrama.

We are watching Alex Rodriguez lose his heart, mind, dignity, soul -- and soon, perhaps, home run swing -- to Skeletor.

In haunting slow motion, in tabloid after tabloid, we are watching Arod demasculate into a George Hamiltonesque love buffoon, a man-action paprazzi prop for a fiftysomething, Sunset Boulevard roadmap of veins that lurks somewhere below an inch of pancake base and 20 fathoms of self-indulgence.

Where this puppy is going, nobody comes back.

Friends... look at the rubble of lost cities this woman has hurricaned: Actors, directors, Phys Ed instructors, male models, pop divas, porno stars... they came, she went.

Remember Jose Canseco? The one who hit 40 home runs each year? He met Madonna. Kaboom.

We might soon be struggling to remember the Alex Rodriguez who won MVP awards.

Over the next month, we will pursue CC Sabathia, Mark Teixeira and AJ Burnett like a beagle chasing a firetruck. Implicit in our dealings is the certainty that we have a 40 homerun force batting cleanup. That's something we ought to reconsider.

Where this puppy is going, nobody comes back.

Letter to the Editor

The Roanoke Times (Virginia)
November 9

Play up good news, downplay the bad

I'd really like to see more positive articles above the fold, such as the one about the teachers who got married onstage at William Fleming or the New York Yankees playing a charity game at Virginia Tech.

The Roanoke Times publishes too many front-page stories with photos of psycho killers and criminals. It's deplorable how often your daily headlines are darkened with amoral death. It's no way to start a new day and is devoid of good taste, if not journalistic sense as well. Your content verges on being sociopathological.

Mick Cody
Christiansburg

Letter to the Editor

The Record (Bergen County, NJ)
November 9

Dear Editor,

Why is Barack Obama referred to as black? His mother was white. New York Yankee Derek Jeter, a product of the same mixed parentage, is not referred to as black.

I believe that it would go a long way toward bridging the gap between those who are opposed to a black president and those who aren?t if the media would refer to Obama as biracial. After all, he is just as white as he is black.

We do not have a "black" president; we have a new, energized president who is ready to lead this country into the future.

Donald Samick

North Haledon

Haunted by Headlines

PALIN DISHES ON PRESS
Never claimed "Africa is Continent."
Merely said "McCain is Continent."


MARS LANDER FILES FOR FREE AGENCY
May Sign 2-Orbit deal
Scott Boras To Seek Uranus

OBAMA URGED TO REVERSE STEM CELLS ORDER, BIG UNIT TRADE
Executive Order Would Allow Research, Return Navarro
Sheffield Deal Also In Play

GM HOPES TO END SKID WITH SUPERCAR!
No Gas: Powered By Invisible Strings

"It's the marvel of the age!"

If Peavy and Holliday are gone, who's left to trade Cano for?

That is the question.

Not that we must trade Cano, but -- hey -- the R-Dog was our lone chip (assuming we would sign O-Dog, Orlando Hudson) and, frankly, I figured after his Alan Combeslike sleepwalk through September, Robbie had as much chance of returning as Dana Perino. We'd talk him up, sure -- when you're selling a clunker, don't point out scratches in the fender; say it's the best car you ever had, and you plan to keep it.

Keep in mind, that's Cashman's tactic. Remember his confidence in Bubba?

But now that Peavy is apparently staying in Four-A ball, and Holliday will serve a one-year sentence in Oakland ... for whom to we trade Robbie?

Or, for that matter, Phil Former Franchise.

Two possibilites.

1. They're coming back. The Yanks don't plan to trade them.

2. They offered them; San Diego and Colorado noticed the scratched bumpers and said no.

I'm hoping Number 1.

Dana Perino is sorta hot, at least in an evil Tina Fey way.

Baseball's Perfect Drug Test

Everybody passes.

Problem solved.

Maybe they can finagle the season so everybody wins?

Death (i,e,Oakland) Takes a Holliday

That's what the Gammonites say.

Matt Holliday to Oakland for Huston Street and two unknown life forms.

That's gotta mean the A's will chase Giambi.

Sign Jace, and they're the Bay Area Bashers again.

The only question is, can Giambi play Canseco? (He can't play firstbase.)

Bin Laden Decries Media Bias After Being Identified as "Obama"

PAKISTAN _ Top al Qaeda strategists are accusing major terror networks of repeatedly referring to Osama bin Laden as “Obama” in underground emails and comments.

Some popular terror personalities have even referred to him as “Osama Hussein bin Laden,” though that is not his middle name.

“These deliberate and hurtful distortions are a mockery to Allah,” al Qaeda spokesman Maree al-Matelin charged, adding that a few outlets have even altered photographs to make Osama look older. “These jackals may think it’s funny to say ‘Obama,’ but the working suicide bombers out there don’t appreciate their leader being confused with the Great Satan.”

Bin Laden hoped to release a terror video in time for last month’s U.S. elections, but the production snafus have postponed the project until 2012.

In recent months, bin Laden has battled widespread rumors that he is a Mormon and former graduate of the infamous Arthur Murray Dance program. Terror rivals have noted his 1980s interviews with Dan Rather and accused him of palling around with the former capitalist.

Bin Laden denies the charge and says it is a diversion from the current crisis facing terror. His organization recently published a white paper claiming worldwide media coverage is unfairly slanted against genocide.
One joke on terror webcasts portrayed “Obama lin Biden” as old, confused and unable to read text messages. Asked his preference of suicide belt, the elder responds, “Hm-mm, Depends.”

In several terror community meetings last month, Osama was embarrassed when audience members shouted, “Jesus is My Co-pilot,” and “Health Care Now.” At one point, he took the microphone from an elderly woman, cut off her head with his sickle, and announced that if followers are sick, instead of whining about medical care, they should consider martyrdom.

“We seek no Jihad with the snakes of the media,” al-Matelin stressed. “But the butchers of fact must learn that the line of truth cuts only as straight as the jagged sword of vengeance.”

Yawn. We Made Another New Yorker Anthology.

If you can somehow wade through all the boring claptrap from the talentless, Sedarian likes of James Thurber, Woodie Allen, Steve Martin, et al, you'll find us -- top shelf intellectuals -- on the meat & potato pages: 256-258.

On your Amazon bookshelves now!

Of course, you can also experience the printed-on-paper version of us in the first collection of New Yorker humor, published a few years ago. But you still have to deal with Dorothy Parker, Bruce McCall, et al, all those unfunnyites.

While we're birthing gas here, you can also find our novalike nuggetry in the Best of Slate 10th Anniversary Edition and Mountain Man Dance Moves: The McSweeney's Book of Lists.

But fuckitall, you're here and we're here, and the Yanks have gone another day of November without signing somebody. (Except for Sergio Mitre.) That's gotta stop.

Andy Boards the Freedom Train

With one mighty flick of his freedom Bic, Andy of Houstonberry hath said unto the world:

"I am no longer bound by the chains of Yankeehood.

"From this day on, I declare myself a free man.

"Henceforth, you shall know me as Andrew Pettitte... the free and active agent.

"And all of ye who may seek to confine me, know this: I shall play for whomever I wish. And ye shalt pay well for each of my throws.

"For... I... am... free.

"And, hopefully, I shall soon toil again as Yankee stock, without deepened cut of salary. And though my chains may again be rigid and binding, I shalt remember the brief moment when I hath lived free."

Abe Lincoln Calls Nancy Reagan to Apologize for Obama Crack

Aides say former First Lady Nancy Reagan chatted on the phone for nearly an hour Sunday with ex-president Abe Lincoln, who patched up inflamatory remarks made Friday by Barack Obama.

During a news conference, Obama told reporters he "didn't want to get into a Nancy Reagan thing about, you know, doing any seances," a crack that was promptly condemned by all who recall the beloved former First Lady's eight-year reign in the White House.

Mrs. Reagan said Lincoln assured her that the president-elect was not being "sassy," and she vowed to play the lucky numbers Lincoln suggested in her next visit to the Mohegan Sun Resort and Casino.

2008 Top 10 Yankee Prospects, Based on Bizarre Names

It's that time of year, when the losers who run Yankee blogs rank their top 10 prospects as if they were high scores on Frogger.

Here's ours, based not on talent, but potential for back page punch lines.

1. BRANDON BRABOY, 23, pitcher, Staten Island.

2. JEFF NUTT, 23, catcher, Charleston.

3. ERIC HACKER, 25, pitcher, Scranton.

4. JEREMY BLEICH, 21, pitcher, Staten Island.

5. ERIC WORDEKEMPER, 25, pitcher, Scranton.

6. (TIE) AUSTIN KRUM, 22, outfielder, Charleston
RAY KRUML, 23, outfielder, Staten Island

7. (TIE) DAWERD CRUZ, 19, pitcher, Dominican Summer League
SHERSSY CRUZ, 19, pitcher, Dominican Summer League

8. BRAD SUTTLE, 22, thirdbaseman, Charleston

9. SETH FORTENBERRY, 25, outfielder, Charleston

10. (TIE) SHAWN JOY, 22, pitcher, Gulf Coast Yankees
JACK RYE, 22, outfielder, Staten Island


Dream the dream: Our 2014 line up

KRUM, KRUML, NUTT, SUTTLE, RYE, FORTENBERRY, TEIXIERA, JETER, BRABOY

Surgeons Perform Heart Transplant on Yankee Stadium

Patient dies after home plate is dropped on Cone's foot.

Someday, when the Giants finally leave the Meadowlands, will they dig up Jimmy Hoffa and move him?

Anonymous: Sarah Palin sez yer a coward

Sez who? Sez her!

Frankly, you've called us rotten stuff, too.

SHOW YERSELF, DAMMOT!

Yankeetorial: Give Andy Whatever the Hell He Wants

Open Letter to Hank Steinbrenner:

Dear Madam or Sir,

Our pal, Andy Pettitte, reportedly wants to pitch in 2009.

We say, "Thank the Lord, and sign him!"

Andy is an all-time great Yank, an all-time great man, an all-time great all-time great -- and for those reasons, Mister Moneybags, you should flash the leather of your famous wallet and make cash fly like farts at a Shriner's Convention.

But... the team must not forget -- and nor should Andy -- that after July, our great Avenger of Christ was regularly getting wailed on like a rented mule.

Somewhere in prayer group, you and Andy must reach one agreement:

If Andy starts getting whacked, for the sake of his name, his team and his God, his gotta walk the Hell away.

He's gotta do what his buddy, whazzizname? -- oh, you know, the prince of pepjuice -- had such a hard time doing.

He's gotta retire: Be remembered for the great pitcher he's been, not for the mediocre one he might become.

Do the deal. In Andy we trust.

But have that talk...

Yanks Mull Canceling Joe Lieberman's Seats

NEW YORK _ Prominent Yankees are demanding that the team make renegade Democratic Senator Joe Lieberman pay a price for his support for the Arizona Diamondbacks during the recent race.

"What he did was wrong," said Sen. Harry Reid, who has been urged by various members of the team to cancel Lieberman's season tickets, located far down the rightfield foul line.

It's the toughest decision for the Yanks since 2007, when Rudy Giuliani announced that he was caucusing with the Redsocks.

Yankee heiress Hank "Stubby" Steinbrenner said he plans to review the Lieberman situation after he finishes his probe of UFO sightings in the area of Dana Point, Ca., site of the recent MLB meetings.

The Ladies of K-Fed & A-Rod

If this keeps up, I'm projecting 21 HRs, 94 RBIs and a batting average of .256.

BREAKING!

No Cuban ownership for Cubs!



"Bud won't permit it," says leaking lackey.

Yank Hottie Corps Wooing Teix

"I covet the guy for the Yankees almost as much as I covet CC."

Brian supplies the cash, she supplies the scrapbook. He's gotta sign.

Bud Selig Voices Concern As Beer Sales in Emerging Markets Go Flat

After addressing the need to move the Red sox out of New England, and into Mississippi, special President-elect appointee Alphonso met for his first security briefing with MLB Commissioner, and Milwaukee resident, Bud Selig.

Mr. Selig began the briefing with a new twist on an old joke: " A Russian, a Brazilian, and a South African walk into a bar and none of them orders a beer...."

Bud could tell I didn't get his drift, so he went on to explain that, in this global economic crisis, beer is now considered a luxury item in emerging countries. In Bogata, Columbia, for example ( from which Bud had recently returned ), patrons are ordering "guardiente " instead of beer. It is cheaper and they get drunk faster."

After expressing my praise for the Columbian imbibers, I pointed out that beer has become a luxury item in Yankee stadium, as well.

Bud then terminated the interview and showed me to the door. Apparently, his respect for my new office in the Government didn't extend to my commentary on the massive economic ripoff to the taxpayers of the new Yankee Palace.

So I went to a local Chinese bar and oredered a flagon of sorghum wine for fifty cents.

Alphonso Policy Statement 2 : we need to support the beer industry. Without affordable beer, there is no baseball.

No, no, nononononNO, NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOO!

Curses. Foiled again.

What the Good People of Dana Point Were Talking About During the G.M. Meetings

True -- yes, gasp! true -- comments on the Dana Point Topix board over the last few days, while the esteemed general managers of MLB were gathered to ponder the future of Sergio Mitre.

Topic: Did anyone else in San Clemente see a UFO at 1:10 p.m. Sunday?
From Bob: I didn't see it on sunday, But two nights ago I saw a fast I mean 1200 mph fast fixed wing air craft. It was flying so high It was dimly illuminated by the sun from the other side of the earth. It made no sound and was going from north to south. It has to be a spyplane.

Topic: Magical time for Red Ribbon Week
From Kiko: hey ya.

Topic: ford dealership in capo beach is shady!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From Rich Rader: How can anyone respond to a statement that does not supply one fact? I would love to supply the facts, but it is obvious that you would not want anyone to know whant really took place.

Topic: Body Found in Motor Home
Story: A Dana Point man has been charged with murder after AC Tow in San Clemente found a dead woman inside an unplugged freezer inside his RV.
No comments as of yet.

A dead woman in an unplugged freezer inside an RV?
What kind of comments could be made over such a horror?

Italian-Americans Carping Over Fact that African-Americans Got to White House First

MOSCOW (AP) - Italy's Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, in a not-too-subtle dig at his American brothers, described U.S. President-elect Barack Obama on Thursday as "young, handsome and even tanned."

Berlusconi appeared to be joking about America's first black president at a news conference following talks with Russia's president.

"I hope the first black President doesn't encounter the problems that plagued the first Italian-American President," Berlusconi cracked. "Remember him? Remember how he had to endure all those, "That's amore'!" shouts while he was trying to make policy?"

First of the baseball postseason awards!

The award for the piece of memorabilia least likely to make a Yankee fan break open his wallet and pull out $500 ...

Now: The Instant Create-a-Rumor Template

Hey, there, lonely blog visitor! Wanna be a bigtime player in the info-tainment world of bigtime hot stove bullpoop? Of course, you do!

And now you can!

Just choose one from each of the following options, paste it onto the comments section of your fave blog, and, hey, you're not readin' bullpoop -- you're poopin' it!

Here goes...

According to...
a) Petey Gammons...
b) George King's proctologist...
c) the very credible website, IT IS HIGH...

... Brian Cashman has set his sights on...
a) Matt Holliday
b) Ray Halliday
c) Evan Longoria
d) Eva Longoria

... and he's willing to part with...
a) Melky and cash.
b) Robbie and cash.
c) Melky, Robbie, cash and his left nut.

Meanwhile, the Yanks want to resign...
a) Bobby Abreu.
b) Bobby Meachem.
c) Bobby Meachem... and then fire him again!

As for Joba, he'll be used as a...
a) starter
b) reliever.
c) designated hitter.
d) designated driver.

One analyst, using sophisticated software capable of handling unprecedented amounts of raw data, has concluded that Derek Jeter last year...
a) was the game's worst fielder.
b) batted .300.
c) was the sexiest man on the planet.

Now, I hear the Yankees want Manny Ramirez because...
a) he's a stern competitor.
b) it'll really piss off Curt Schilling.
c) he's the one guy more perfect for Madonna than A-Rod.

Oh, well. Thus far, it's been a great off-season! The Yanks have managed to sign...
a) Sergio Mitre.
b) Sergio Mitre.
c) Sergio Mitre.

Great Baseball Nicknames that Could Also Describe the Current Economy

The Big Hurt.
Three-finger.
Clank.
Devo.
Piano Legs.
Bad News.
Stump.
Red.
American Idle.
Bones.

Alphonso Appointed As Special Counsel to President-Elect Obama

"One of the first appointments made by the Obama Transition Team has shocked the nation,"' reports Baseball America in their post election summary issue.

The famous bard of IIH,IIF,IIc, known only by the name, "Alphonso," will reportedly accept a position as special advisor to the President.

"I won't move to Washington," Alphonso reported, because they don't want me there." My job is to move around the country and make recommendations that will help move the economy out of the depression...or recession.

Rumor has it that Alphonso won the job by taking on Sarah Palin in an unstructured debate at the Target outlet in her hometown of Wasilla, Alaska, where Governor Palin was shopping for a new wardrobe.

According to unnamed sources, Alphonso challenged the Governor's views on when dinosaurs were last in Wasilla, at which point the Governor remarked, " if I had to marry a guy like you, I'd poison your coffee." To which Alphoso responded, " if I were married to you, I would drink it."

Apparently swayed by Alphonso's quick witted response ( and fortunate recollection of the humor of Winston Churchill ), the Obama Transition team proferred the offer.

" My first task," Alphonso calmly stated, "will be to move the Red Sox to a Red State, probably Mississippi, because they have no baseball there and could enhance their standards of living by attending major league games."

" I will give ( Boston's ) ownership the opportunity to change their name to the Blue Sox but, if they refuse, it is going to be time to move this franchise to an environment more befitting the personality and future of the team. There are plenty of teams from other Red States they can play against, including Arizona, Texas and, maybe , Georgia."

But it's a new world, baby, in New England. It's all blue now, all the time. And time to rid ourselves of narrow minded thinking and fan bases who don't care for facts, reason, logic and science. You want to worship bloody socks and big green walls, do it where you can't harm anyone.

In New England, you root for the Yankees or move South.

This is policy number 1: A new economic and sociological plan from Alphonso.

What the Yanks Should Learn From Obama's Win

If we follow his strategy, we can be the champs...


1. Don’t be afraid to outspend the opposition. Obama shoveled cash into states, outdoing McCain by 3-1 in some races. We have the bucks. Use them! Overwhelm somebody. That's how the Redsocks signed Dice-K. Teixiera, Sabathia, Burnett? Yes, all three. And that's just a start. We should be competitive on every battleground free agents. Let's force the Redsocks to defend Varitek. Spend the money. SPEND THE MONEY!

2. Strengthen our center. Obama chased the middle, while McCain set up shop down the right field line, one foot in foul territory. We need a catchers, pitchers, a keystone combo and a centerfieler. No more corner outfielders. (Sorry, Bobby.)


3. Think young. The GOP trotted out a 72-year-old, lopsided-chinned pitcher, who tried to cover up for his lack of quickness by throwing junk. It didn't work. It was like David Wells pitching to Evan Longora. We need young stars, not guys 10 years past their prime. (Sorry, Jason.)


4. We need change. Now and then, some pundit claims we didn't make the playoffs due to injuries and bad breaks. Those people are fools. Every team suffered injuries. Every team had bad breaks. We cannot tweak our way out of mediocrity. We need an overhaul of the infield, the rotation, the bullpen, the batting order. We need change.

5. Character is critical. We can't pal around with Sidney Ponsons and think we won't get called on it. (And, yes, this is a reference to Manny. We cannot sign Manny.)


6. The Ground Game is key. Wait... wrong sport. That’s the Giants.


7. Win the debates. Head to head, we must beat Boston. We must beat Anaheim. We must beat Tampa. The days of losing to good teams, then sweeping KC 12-0 are over.


8. It’s a lo-n-nng campaign. It starts in February. Last spring, the Rays leveled our catcher and we whined that, oh, dear! they were playing too hard. Yeah, it WAS a cheap shot, but we should have come out of the dugout swinging. Their next batter should have rolled off the field in a shopping cart. The great California politico Willie Brown once said, "Let a lie go uncontested for 24 hours, and it might as well be the truth." Let a cheap shot go uncontested, and they own us. Guess what? Tampa owned us.


9. Attack everything about the last eight years. Screw those playoff appearances. We haven't won a World Series. The last 8 years have been horrible, rancid, wretched. We should loathe what we have become.


10. Run, baby, run! Don’t let the "experts" tell us not to run. Brett Gardner can steal 50 bases. Jeter, Damon, ARod, they can steal 30. Austin Jackson could steal 30. Justin Christian can steal 40, just coming off the bench. Run. Drive the pitchers crazy, and watch what happens.

11. Accept the fact that we are hated. Obama just smiled. He didn't take the bait. That's what we have to do. There will always be pennant racists. Let the Redsock fans join their covens. Think of that look on their faces when CNN projects us as winner of the pennant race on Sept. 1. That's what should sustain us.

11. Hmm-mm. What else? Don’t name as bench coach some evangelical whack job/sex kitten from Alaska. Avoid endorsements from Madonna. On the eve of the World Series, maybe kill Joe Girardi’s gramma. Whatever. Look smart. That’s all. Hey, is it too much to ask that a certain son of the owner not sound like George W. Bush?

The Real Barrier: Will an African-American Ever Manage the Yanks?

Hate to be a spoilsport, but what Obama did was comparatively easy.


Get elected to the chickenshit job of President of the United States?

Bah. Pttuui. Small potatoes.

The question that still haunts America is this...


When will the one supreme position of power no longer be off-limits to minorities?

Yankee Manager.

It’s one thing to walk with Tom Jefferson and Abe Lincoln. It’s another to be standing up there with Joe Torre and Stump Merrill.


Will we ever live to see that golden day of equality?

Who will be the first African-American to break down the door and don that Yankee managerial cap? Willie Randolph? Don Baylor? Mariano?

Or must we wait for Jeet?

Historic Night: Ties Finally Cut with Giambi, Pavano, Last 8 Years

These little town blues...

Are melting away...

I'm gonna make a brand new start of it...

In old New York...

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd....

If I can make it there....

I can make it anywhere...

It's up to you...

New York....

NEWWWWWW YOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRK...

High. Far. Gone.

Hear John Sterling Call the Election

OK, this is horrible. Absolutely horrible. You don't need to leave comments telling me that this is horrible. I know.

In fact, don't listen to it.

OK, listen to it.

But while you're listening, I want you to imagine the hours upon hours of difficult soul searching and pure unadulterated sweat that went into this. I want you to consider that these applications don't just hatch from the ground.

There come from elbow grease. That's what I want you to ponder.

This is the sound of elbow grease.

Bristol to "Sports Guy" : You suck!

I figured this would make a fellow Yankees fan's day:

Apparently, that no-talent ass clown that refers to himself as the "Sports Guy" for the four letter website got himself in hot water with his NFL picks column over this past weekend, and Bristol refused to run the column on its website, EllsburySchillingPapelbonNetwork.com.

Hopefully, he will soon be back standing behind a bar on Boylston Street in Bahhhh-stan, talking about the Red Sox and serving clam chowwww-dah to tourists in tee shirts.

*****

In other notes from the GM meetings in Dana Point, California, Yankees general manager Brian Cashman stated yesterday that it is his intent to sign not one, but two starting pitchers. Also, he makes 1B more of a priority than CF. And Joba 'Leavin' Las Vegas' Chamberlain, when not putting girls through college at local titty bars, will be a full time starter next year, limited to roughly 25-28 starts.

Phil Hughes dominated the AZ "who gives a shit league" League last night, pitching through immense pain with a lacerated fingernail to post a line of: 5 innings, 1 hit, 0 runs, 0 walks, 8 strikeouts. 59 pitches, 41 strikes.

Oh, and Ian Kennedy has been dispatched to Puerto Rico. Hopefully he never returns.

*****

Get out and vote today, People !

The Case for Bringing Back Pavano

"Cashman has definitely not closed the door on Pavano at all," the source said.

Reasons to sign Pavano:

1. He's clubhouse leader who has earned respect of peers, fans and press.

2. His hard luck is sure to change.

3. No other strategy to replace his average 2 wins per season.

4. Keep Boston from getting him.

5. Teach youngsters to pitch in pain.

6. Send message throughout system that slackers will not be tolerated.

7. Always been big Yankee fan.

8. On first-name basis with Tampa rehab staffers.

9. Potential organ donor.

10. Has disturbing photographs of Cashman.

11. Piss off IT IS HIGH.

Rich Right Wing Looks Forward to Getting Really Bitchy if Obama Wins

HOUSTON _ Officers of the GOP Ladies Tea Club Tuesday said they now look forward to Barack Obama's presidency, saying it will liberate them into becoming total douchebags over the next four years.

"We never complained once under George Bush," said Lavinia "Lottie" Dah, heiress to the Beatrice-Walmart-News Corp. Trust. "Now, we're looking forward to drilling a new asshole in this country.

"We were even accused of being the reason why the New York Yankees didn't win the World Series," she continued. "Now, with that funny little ear man in the White House, we're going to riot. And your Yankees will surely win every single game from now on, because a Republican is not in power. Excuse me, it's time for Dreamboat Sean on the radio."

The Case for Signing Varitek

1. Piss off Redsock fans.

2. Be great with young pitchers, such as Dellin Betances and Christian Garcia.

3. Would be immensely popular in Scranton.

4. Could hit .290 in the International League.

5. Switch hitter. Would protect Eric Duncan in SWB order.

6. If Posada hurt, would provide fine backup for Jose Molina and Francisco Cervelli.

7. Could wear funny collar and leash, and perform tricks during rain delays.

8. Harvest internal organs.

9. Perform exotic experiments on.

10. Mmm-mm. Bacon!

Sigh of Relief: Phil Hughes Declines Tommy John Surgery for Torn Fingernail

The procedure, in which a toenail is removed and grafted onto the injured finger, could have put him out for 12-18 months. At it is, he'll pitch tonight in Arizona.

Yanks Sign Former Marlin to Bolster Out-Patient Rehab Staff

The Yanks have signed Sergio Mitre, who underwent Tommy John ligament replacement surgery last July, to boost that huge fan base that is already thinking about spring 2010!

The signing bolsters the team's rather thin rehab ward, ever since Andrew Brackman, Humberto Sanchez, Mark Melancon and Christian Garcia returned -- at least, temporarily -- to pitching.

With a little luck, Mitre could be back throwing at full strength around this time next year.

"By signing Sergio, the Yankees have reclaimed the lead in surgically repaired tendons, ligaments and other forms of soft tissue that are never discussed by Joe Girardi," a team spokesman said. "As every Yankee fan knows, it's critical to always have some high-priced former arm out there, Zambrano-ing in a dirt league and keeping hopes high for a one-in-a-million return to form. Nobody wants to jinx Sergio, but he could be our next Octavio Dotel."

"Gosh, every kid growing up dreams about the pinstripes..."

From the mouth of Padres starting pitcher Jake Peavy.

http://www.nctimes.com/articles/2008/11/02/sports/paris/z34f4c0d171ee3732882574f500833a61.txt

Depending on the cost (and no, Melky, Ransom and IPK isn't getting it done), would you want Peavy on your team?

Let's not forget, this is the same kid that filled his jock with Icy Hot ointment because Roger Clemens told him he did it to keep himself uncomfortable on the mound. You know what they say: Monkey see, Monkey do.

http://deadspin.com/sports/baseball/roger-clemens-hates-his-crotch-163170.php

Doesn't strike me as a bright 'fella. And, he is from Alabama.

Election Day Fear: Let's Hope the Umps Don't Do to this Vote What they Did to Tampa

Just so it is said.

The World Series umps were either blind or in the tank for Philly.

It was like watching Rush Limbaugh count Presidential ballots in Sarasota.

The next President should appoint a commission to probe the calls that went against Tampa.

Tomorrow, will we be out at home?

Break Your Heart

Today's Times goes deep about Jim Leyritz's DWI-fatality trip through hell. One of the saddest parts is this:

In the interview, Leyritz declined to comment on his feelings about the accident. But he did sometimes show frustration at those who have avoided him since the crash. He said he was not invited to the All-Star Game in the Bronx or to the Yankee Stadium finale this year. Leyritz said that he had a ticket to the final game but that he was ejected from the V.I.P. area by a security guard and sat in the stands with fans instead.

“Am I disappointed that there’s not a little bit more support there?” Leyritz said. “I would say a little bit. But at the same time, I really, truly understand the reasonings.”

I truly do not understand the reasonings.

They don't have to parade Leyritz out for curtain calls. They don't have to interview him at pitchers mound. They don't have to act like it didn't happen.

They also don't have to be cruel.

An Open Letter to CC Sabathia

Dear Sir,

Hello again, old friend.

It has been a while since we last saw each other. We understand that you have made yourself and your fabulous services officially available when you registered for free agency yesterday. And today, the reason I sit at my desk, the intent of this letter is to convince you to sign with the New York Yankees.

First off, lets cut through all the red meat....er, I mean tape, and get the 'tough' aspects of negotiating out of the way: You tell us what you want, and for how long, and we make it happen.

Thats it. You want it monthly? Yearly? You want it all in $50's? Or $100's? We can pay you in Chicken McNuggets and McApple Pies too if you like. Any way you want it, you got it my rotund friend. Hell, you can have New Jersey if you want. Take it. Whatever it takes.

You see, CC, we're opening a new stadium. A palace in the world of sports fit for the Kings of New York. And after just missing the playoffs for the first time since Clinton was getting his saxophone waxed in the Oval Office, we need an ace. We're tired of the Randy Johnson retreads, the Joke that was Javier Vasquez, and that asshole Kevin Brown. We want you, Carsten Charles.

And we want you much more than those pot-smoking hippies out in California. Between you and me, secretly, you know they don't care about baseball in Southern California. Thats football country. Los Angeles doesn't even have an NFL team, yet they all follow some college team named after Jimmy Hats. They don't know how to treat sports stars out there. Look at how they treated Brittany Spears and Lindsay Lohan, the bastards. You can't even go to a KFC out there without 300 paparazzi showing up.

And we definately want you more than those sausage-making drunks out in Milwuakee. Seriously, Milwaukee? Is that a state or a city? Regardless, I digress. Sign with the Brewers, and you'll be sharing a double-wide mobile home with Prince Fielder. That is, until we sign him away to the Bronx in a few years.

And don't even get me started on Boston. Sheesh. Go ask Barry Bonds, Torii Hunter and Ken Griffey Jr. what they think of Boston. They only hire white and hispanic athletes. Tom Yawkey was a documented racist. There is a reason why everyone loves Clam Chowder up there and its not the taste, my friend: Its the color...

The Yankees are a perfect fit for you. And if there is someone on the team you don't like, we'll trade him. Hell, if he's locked into less than $20mil, we'll just cut his ass. And if you have a buddy or two on other teams that you miss, well, we'll just sign them. Or trade for them.

(Paging Fielder, Prince and Cameron, Mike. Report to the Bronx please!)

Seriously, the Yankees rock. Seriously, my son Hal is a genius, and my other son Hank smokes butts. Derek and A-Rod can and will set you up with any chick you could ever want, young or old. Jose Molina and Robinson Cano know all the best places to eat, and if you like to drink, I mean if you really like to party, Joba brings his keg and peacepipe everywhere with him! Plus, your battery-mate, your catcher is none other than Piss Hands Posada.

We will surround you with the best players money can buy, in the best Stadium money can buy. I am writing simliar letters to Mark Teixeira, AJ Burnett and Manny Ramirez when I'm done with this one. I wrote this one first because you are the most important.

Lastly.... well, this gets difficult. You see, I'm getting older now. I'm on the back nine o' life, so to say CC, and there is nothing more I want than to win just one more World Series before I turn it all over to the boys. I can't wait forever. I can't even pen my famous letters of lust to potential free agent targets anymore, my pubby, Howard, does it for me. Make an old man cry, and come win number 27 with the New York Yankees in 2009.

So, should I just leave it blank and make it out to CC, or Carsten Charles? You can call Brinks and order it via delivery.

Sincerely,

George Steinbrenner
Owner
NYY

PS - And if you think I'm going to let Girardi's goddam candy rule be the reason you don't sign with this team.... well, let me tell you: You can bring all the Charleston Chew and Milky Way you want into the clubhouse. And if Girardi has an issue with it? The next time anyone sees him, he'll be selling patio furniture on the side of Rt. 17 in Lodi. We'll bring Bowa, or Willie, or maybe even Yogi back!

Change Todd Palin Doesn't Need

In just a few short days, there may be big change in store for all of us -- including Todd Palin, the consort of the governor of Alaska.

Not only could he be stripped of the "First Dude" title he now enjoys, Todd's life is liable to change in some pretty harsh ways:


NOW
As the husband of the Governor, Todd Palin is "First Dude" of Alaska.



IF HIS WIFE ENDS UP AS VICE PRESIDENT
On January 20th, the second John McCain's hand leaves that Bible, Todd immediately will be demoted to "Second Dude." No more "NO1DUDE" license plate, not to mention deep-sixing the coffee mug, the t-shirt, the snowmobile bobble head...

NOW
He goes to high school reunions every five years.


IF HIS WIFE ENDS UP AS VICE PRESIDENT
The parents of other Wasilla High School graduates will call him constantly to ask him to talk to their children about how they can marry well and become Second Dude someday.

NOW
Todd lists his current occupations as production operator at BP and commercial salmon fisherman.


IF HIS WIFE ENDS UP AS VICE PRESIDENT
"Second Dude" is not a salaried position. He'll find himself at plenty of official functions and ribbon-cutting ceremonies -- sort of the Wal-Mart greeter of America -- and he'll have to be content with the stuff that tickles down from Cindy McCain.

Hope he likes him some tea and little bitty finger sandwiches.

NOW
Todd is embroiled in the controversy over trying to use his wife's office to have a state trooper fired (his family was really mad at that guy).

IF HIS WIFE ENDS UP AS VICE PRESIDENT
It's a big country. His family's probably mad at a few more people.


NOW
Todd is fourth-place finisher in the Tesoro Iron Dog championship.


IF HIS WIFE ENDS UP AS VICE PRESIDENT
He could probably still run a race or two every year -- he could just tell Sarah he's up in Alaska running the water and checking to make sure the pipes didn't freeze. If no one puts the newspaper in front of her, she'll never find out.

NOW
He endures jokes about who's the "maverick" at home.
He endures jokes about who's "the better shot" at home.
He endures jokes about who "tops the ticket" at home.


IF HIS WIFE ENDS UP AS VICE PRESIDENT
Well, okay, some stuff probably won't change completely.

Election Day is upon us.

Millions of Americans will step into that voting booth.

Millions of people will cast their ballots.

But only one of them will whisper, "Please, let me still be the First Dude."

Chase Utley for President

Truth...

George W. Bush's most heinous legacy is finally revealed.

To be or not to be: Manny hath spake one of the greatest baseball quotes of all time

Maybe one of the great quotes of all time, period.

"Gas is up, and so am I."

Yep, this about sums it up for the Yanks on Halloween

The Reagan, by Edgar Allen Limbaugh

Once upon a midnight dryly, while I pondered Bill O’Reilly,
Raging o’er The New York Times, their leftist crimes, in times, unsure.
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,

Like some rapper, loudly yapping, rapping to his latest score.
“’Tis some liberal,' I muttered, “singing songs against the war,
“Only this, and nothing more.”

Ah, distinctly I remember; as we shambled toward November,
For head of state, a candidate my party had once scorned before.

Was it really John McCain? How had Bush gone down the drain?
Throwing Cheney from the train, in vain, from our convention floor.
“We need a running mate,” I cried, “A champion who shall ensure
“Our victory in the culture war!”

There and then, I flung the shutter, to hear a faint familiar flutter,

In swooped a stately face of saintly days of stately, saintly yore.

Never he a flip-flop-flipper; he, the famous Mondale-ripper!

There, the Gipper, looking chipper! Ronald Reagan, at my door!

Perched like Spiro Agnew on the ridge atop my chamber door!
There he sat, and nothing more.

“Sir!” said I, “God of the Right! What swift boat brings you here tonight?

“What lures you to my doorstep, here in lockstep, in these times unsure?

“Ancient king of make-up brush, who ruled before the dawn of Rush,
“You’ve got the touch, go to it, Dutch! Convey to me, I thee implore:
“Name to me the great right hope, who’ll chase Obama from our door!”
But he just sat, and nothing more.

In my feared declining sanity, I’d pondered names from Rice to Hannity,
‘Till came my way a lovely face, no trace I’d never seen before,
An arctic visage, soundly wailin,’ winkin’ at me, smilin,’ sailin!’
Arms a flailin’, Sarah Palin! She – the hockey mom next door!
The perfect demographic face, our Christian base, she would restore.
And Right to Life… forevermore.

But as her verbiage grew thickly, the leftist press grew somewhat prickly,
I could see us crumbling quickly, sickly, toward November four.
“Sir,” I said, “I fear each morrow. Is this our Geraldine Ferraro?

“Adding to our sorrow? Can she borrow, sir, your famed rapport?
“Please tell us how to win the day, when Palin greets the media corps!”
Quoth the Reagan: “Less is more.”

To fight our flock’s declining number, we next befriended Joe the Plumber,
With Sarah -- what a bummer! – wearing silken suits from Christian Dior.
“Sir, if somehow we win the day, not suffer death by Tina Fey,
“What will we say? What special ray of hope, sir, could we then explore?
The Reagan shook his head and said, “If you doth win November four,
“Pray McCain lives… forevermore!”

And now the Reagan, ever seeing, haunts our daily GOP’ing,
As the markets, in their downfall, bring a free fall to our party core,
Eight long years, a downward push; we can’t escape our burning Bush,
With the bail out, then the fall out, and the credit crisis at our door,
The Reagan, somewhere out there, that once made my party’s spirits soar,
May be lost… forevermore.