Ten Fun Facts about future Yankee superstar Yoshinobu Yamamoto

According to the Internet, the Death Barge is a frontrunner this winter for free agent Japanese pitcher Yoshinobu Yamamoto. 

Nobody loves a bidding war more than our Hal Steinbrenner, the only owner we own. And when it's merely money at stake, Dear Leader surely won't let this one get away. 

Thus, let's ponder the 2024 World Championship Yankee Rotation:

Cole
Yamamoto
Rodon
Cortes
Montgomery (Yes, Hal will work the home front, too.) 

So, who is our next Pinstriped superstar? 

Ten Fun Facts about Yoshinobu Yamamoto:

1. Since 2017, he is a three time Japanese Triple Crown winner, a two-time Pacific League MVP, and with two Eiji Sawamura Awards. (That's right, two Cy Sawamuras! For reference, Kai Igawa and Yu Darvish each won one, and Masahiro Tanaka took two.)

2. He'll turn 26 next August.

3. He is 5'10 inches, 177 pounds, (qualifying him as the long-awaited, mythical cryptid known as "The Yankee Pedro.") 

4. He throws right-handed. (Like Pedro did.)

5. His fastball is said to average 95 mph and top out at 99. (Like Pedro's.) 

6, His splitter is considered to be exceptional, an MLB out-pitch. (See above.) 

7. His career ERA is 1.82, and his won-loss record: 70-29. (Better than Pedro's.)

8. He averages 2 walks per game. (See above.)

9. He is the first Japanese pitcher ever to throw no-hitters in two consecutive seasons. 

10. His no-no in September coincided with a scouting visit from Brian "Cooperstown" Cashman, who for the last 20 years has chased the Great White Whale of pitchers. (Imagine what he was thinking...) 

11. Bonus point... He can keep number 43, currently worn by Jonathan Loaisiga. (Its current legacy is a mix of Raul Mondesi, Rudy May and Jim Ray Hart.) 

The Yankees haven't had an Asian star since Tanaka. The Benihana Steak House radio in-game read-throughs have been silent for too long. 

If Prince Hal really intends to resurrect this team, it must begin with the best pitcher available on the open market. Surely, he will step up to the plate. 

The whole world is watching... The whole world is watching... The whole world is watching...  

Jeter on the cowboy hat: "New Yorkers don't wear these."

The other night, Papi handed them out, trying to make some dipshit point.

A-Rod put his on. Jeet refused. 

Damn. Why isn't he running the Yankees?

Seriously. He remains an icon of New York, respected by all, the last vestige of Yankee greatness, and even at 49, he remains one of the coolest people on the planet.

He has experience running an organization. He remains among the career leaders in postseason HRs (even though he was not known for power.) 

And he won't wear a silly hat, because he - correctly - understands the zeitgeist of NYC.

Bounce Brian Cashman to a windowless office with a fake putting green and click-clack desk doohickey. Let him design Starr Insurance arm patches and in-game radio ads for Geico and Little Debbie Snack Cakes. Put Jeter in charge of reviving the Yankees.

Instead of waiting for "the next Jeter," why not use the one we still have? 

I AM Giving Up Being A fan

We all know what it has been like to be a Yankee fan.  But the last couple of decades have been costly to that endeavor.  And to our mental acuity.

We used to cheer the team all the way to the World Series.  Now, we cheer them to an easy loss in the annual "play-in" game, hoping to get a wild card slot in an actual series.  

This season,  I was cheering for 77 Yankee victories so I could win a years' supply of Corn Flakes. 

To survive this Yankee-less post season, I did the following:

1. Rooted against the pigsty, cheating Astros. 

2. Rooted for the Phillies.  They are a real team, considering the course of baseball history.  They have excellent pinstripe uniforms.  They are the home of Cheesesteaks. And good friend went to Temple.

It all started out well.  The Rangers won two quick games on the road.  The Phillies were up 2-1 yesterday, with a 4-2 lead in the 7th inning.  

Yesterday, the Rangers also had a 2 run lead late until Altuve hit a 3 run homer to put Houston ahead.  An event which I predicted before he was at bat, and as witnessed by other fanatics.  The little toad always kills us and all hope for a free America. 

What I am trying to say is it ( everyone I rooted for or against ) all fell apart.  The Phillies lost and are now mortally wounded.  And the Astros won't lose again.  They will win at home and Altuve will dance on second base and call Hal Steinbrenner a great owner. 

So what is the point?  When I root for anyone, their dream dies. And I get gobsmacked. 

So I am moving on to water polo, beach volley and skeet shooting. 

Fuck it.

Jets?

 

Jet[s]!

Jet[s] I can almost remember their funny faces,

That time you told'em you were gonna be marrying' soon

And Jet[s], I thought the only lonely place was on the moon...

The only competition remaining for the Yankees this year is the one that El Duque, our Peerless Leader, invented. That is, the competition to see if they can once again haul in the Tabloids Crown, in the riveting race for small paper covers and back pages.

Shockingly, this is no guarantee, even if it is late October and the Yanks currently have a 26-page lead on their closest competitors, the Mets, 135.5-109.5. That lead seems safe, no matter how much wheeling and dealing the Flushing team does. This signing or that trade just doesn't seem likely to take up extended tabloid frontage or backage.

But...there is another contender out there, one still in an active season that might just be getting started...

Jet[s], was your father as bold as a sergeant-major?

Oh, how come he told you that you were hardly old enough yet?

And Jet, I thought the major was a lady suffragette!

Jet[s]!

Usually, the Jets would have to split the pro football pages with your New York Football Jints. But the Giants suddenly look SO hapless that it seems doubtful that anyone would want to read anything about them.

Usually, the Jets' season, too, would be done by now. And so it seemed when Aaron "Gasbag" Rodgers went down after only four downs this season. But somehow, the team seems to have revived, even flourished. 

Zach(k) Wilson at QB is not exactly good, but at least he is no longer actively losing games for the Jets. The defense seems to be everything it was supposed to be, and more. 

Could this be the Autumn of the Jets, the air filled with renditions of Paul McCartney's ebullient—if incomprehensible—lyrics to "Jet!"?

Let's do the math. The Jets, right now, are in third place in the Tabloid Covers Race, with 90. That's amazing enough right there. Since 2017, they have never managed more than 69.5 in a year (2018). That leaves them only 45.5 behind the dormant Yankees...with 71 days to go. With two tabloids, that makes 142 possible covers—not even counting the front pages.

It's hard to picture the Yankees winning more than a handful of covers—mostly of the speculative variety that we saw today. But the Yanks will not trade for Juan Soto. They won't trade for or sign anyone of any significance whatsoever. They won't do a damned thing. 

Hot-stove league speculation only drives so many covers. Chances are, 56 covers could make the Jets the champs. That's less than one a day. 

This dethroning would be a remarkable comedown for the Yankees, who have held the title since at least 2017. That year was also the high-water mark for the Bronx team, capturing 286.5 pages during their giddy, surprise run to within a game of the World Series. 

They haven't really come close to that total since, and will probably reach a new low in 2023. Even in the Covid year of 2020, they claimed 152 covers. This is indicative of the team's failing grasp on the public, and would be a matter of concern to the Yankees' front office—save for how resolutely they refuse to pay the least attention to us.

Jet[s], with the wind in your hair of a thousand places

Climb on my back and we'll go for a ride in the sky...

Well, whatever. The Jets threaten fair to oust our boys this season. And that should tell us something.

  

Why the Yankees might need a variation of FIGHT CLUB to defeat their greatest nemesis

Last night, I was hate-watching the Rangers/Astros game on Zoom with some friends, when a late-inning blast prompted a chorus of angry groans, everybody saying, "God, I hate that little bastard..."

Jose Altuve. 

Fucker did it again. Three-run HR. Basically won the game. 

God, I hate that little bastard... 

I know, I know... it's irrational. It's like being afraid of garden snakes: They can't hurt you, but you scream anyway. And let's admit it: That little runt - cheater that he is - is a great player. Future Hall of Fame. Can't deny it. 

In fact, last night's only positive: The meatball Yankees died last month, so that smirking little tsetse fly cannot hurt us again.

Still, it's what Altuve represents. 

He is the creepy, bearded pygmy who shops at GAP for Kids. 

He is the angry, treacherous imp with the sinister grin. 

He is the big-dick dwarf on the carnival midway, who eyes us with contempt. 

The modern Yankees are built with giants - Judge, Giancarlo, et al - who constantly fall to the tiniest of tots.

Before Altuve, (5'6"), there was Boston's Dustin Pedroia, (5'9"), who killed us for most of 14 years, batting .294 against us and winning two rings. Before him, Pedro Martinez (5'11") helped flip the Curse, along with the speed of Dave Roberts (5'10.") Before them, Kirby Puckett (5'8") made our lives miserable. And before him, Joe Morgan (5'7") powered the Big Red Machine. 

Of course, in the mid-1980s, we made Little Freddie Patek (5'5") - weep in the Royals' dugout, a sublime moment of vindictiveness. And going waaaay back, once upon a time, we had Phil Rizzuto (5'6") who won the MVP award, in part, with his legendary ability to "bunt." Hm. What a strange word. What does it mean? 

Over the last 50 years, we have lost the War of the Runts. And the Bunts. 

Which brings me to Caleb Durbin. 

Who, you ask, is Caleb Durbin? Wait... isn't he the guy, played by Brad Pitt, who explains the 1st and 2nd rules of Fight Club? (First rule: You do not talk about Fight Club. Second rule: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!) 

Nope. That's Tyler Durden, who also said, "This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time," words that Hal Steinbrenner ought to ponder.

Caleb Durbin is a 23-year-old Yankee 2B currently playing in the Arizona Instructional League, which is sorta the French Foreign Legion for prospects. Durbin is 5'6" tall (Fun fact: Taylor Swift is 5'10.") Last year, he hit .304 between High A and Double A - with the lowest strikeout rate in the entire Yankee system. Over 12 games with the Mesa whatevers, Durden - I MEAN DURBIN - is hitting .366 with 2 HRs and 6 SBs.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. El Duque is out of his mind. He's actually touting a guy in the Arizona dirt league, after 12 measly games. Yeah, you're right. It's one lonnnnnng fucking drive between the Sonoran Desert and Rivera Avenue. And let's not even suggest that one kid can erase 50 years of suffering at the hands of mean-spirited mini-folk. 

But he's our next, great, small hope. 

Therefore, I am hereby instituting the IT IS HIGH First Rule of Caleb Durbin: 

You do not talk about Caleb Durbin! 

I mean, look... we gotta have something. I can't take another October of that fucking Altuve. God, I hate that little bastard.

IT'S MICKEY'S BIRTHDAY FER CHRISSAKES

 

Born today in 1931, Spavinaw, OK.

The Yankees must soon decide on the future of Anthony Volpe and - really - do they have a choice?

Yesterday's NY Post claims the Yankee brain trust is banking on Anthony Volpe to hit "a lot better" than .209 next season. Aren't we all?

If 2023 - rapidly devolving into The Year From Hell - offered one redeeming point, it was be that Volpe survived the kind of season that, for less adorable tykes, could trigger a lifetime sentence to Scranton. His status as a former first-round pick and a local hero from Morristown, N.J., may have spared Volpe from a disheartening trip to Triple A. Others aren't so lucky. (See Florial, Estevan.)  

But but BUT... he survived! Yesterday, Volpe was named "finalist" for the AL Gold Glove at SS, and while it's a nice gesture, I do recall Clint Frazier being similarly honored a few years back, prompting a Yankiverse-wide WTF? For most of our lives, MLB didn't name Golden Glove "finalists." Suddenly, it's the Golden Globes? Seriously, was Volpe really the AL's best fielding SS? Humina, humina, humina... I dunno. 

Volpe also became a "20/20 man," which does not mean he'll hang with Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters (or that, at 22, he gets the reference.) He hit 21 HRs and stole 24 bases. Not Shohei. Not Canseco. But not bad. This year, 92 MLB players - practically one in four - bashed at least 20 HRs. In base-stealing, Volpe ranked 28th, just ahead of Thairo Estrada. (Ouch.) Also, after starting hot, he got thrown out a few times, seemed to lose his confidence, and stopped running. 

Again, a long, grueling season. 

But here's the reality of Year II: 

Come spring, a quiet, Double-Secret Probation Doomsday clock will start ticking on Volpe, along with Giancarlo Stanton and maybe Anthony Rizzo. All three will be expected to immediately show that 2023 was a fluke, a mirage, a season for the ashtray. If they're not hitting well by - say - May 30, the fan base, the media and the front office will get mighty antsy. 

Look, there is a chance that, this winter, Brian Cashman will tear this team apart. Volpe could go in a massive deal - Juan Soto, for example. But I wonder if Cashman is ready to roll such cataclysmic dice. His hands are tied in bloated contracts, no-trade clauses and The Two Hs: Hubris and Hype. The last thing he wants is to go down in Yankee history as having traded away the next star SS. He would never escape the Stygian shadow. 

The Yankees still have high hopes for Volpe, and frankly, so do all of us. He could have spent most of 2023 at Scranton, and he would have been spared some horrible weeks. Elon Musk says you improve through failure, not success, and Volpe has yet to blow up on a launch pad. 

If he can hit, say, .280, Volpe could become a generational Yankee star, up there on the marquee with Aaron and Gerrit. But he must show it next spring. If on June 1, he's hitting .200, yikes...

The Yankees have few - if any - options in the Giancarlo Doom Conundrum.

Lately - as Yank fans recognize their team's ongoing collapse - one existential question has emerged: 

This winter, what will the Yankees do with slugger Giancarlo Stanton? Will they:  

a) Trade him for an ace pitcher.

b) Deal him for a few rising stars.

c) Move him for a package of top prospects. 

d) None of the above.

If you said (d), congrats: You qualify as a cynical, furious, bitter, bile-spitting purveyor of Yankee realism, a reader of Sartre's Nausea, who understands the karmic depravity of the Giancarlo Doom Conundrum. 

The correct answer: The Yankees will do absolutely nothing with Giancarlo, because their roachlike feelers are tied. 

They owe Stanton $98 million through 2027 on a contract with a no-trade clause, and last year, at 33, he hit .194 in 101 games - an output starkly similar to his previous season (.211 in 110.) For a fearsome slugger, he didn't even draw enough walks to reach an on base percentage over .275.

Of course, there are always his high "exit velo" numbers - (which don't include the Ks) - which prove that math should come with a warning label from the surgeon general. According to the internet, Stanton plans to "tweak" his swing this winter, have a glorious 2024 and hit happily ever after.

At best, he'll hit when healthy. At worst - and we've seen plenty of it - he'll be a mid-order sinkhole who can't even beat out slow rollers to shortstops perched on the outfield grass. Last year, he fanned 30 percent of the time and hit into 11 double plays - fourth on the team behind Gleyber (19, yikes!), DJ (14) and IKF (12).  

Nobody will take him, unless Hal adds - say - $70 million in "movie money." But that won't happen because the shell-shocked front office lives in fear that Stanton - once freed from this franchise's toxic orbit - might actually go somewhere and be reborn.

So, recapping the Yankee postseason of change, as best we know: 

Owner Hal Steinbrenner - stay.

GM Brian Cashman - keep. 

Manager Aaron Boone - keep.

DH Giancarlo Stanton - keep. 

Rest of the organization, nobody knows. 

And that, my friends, is the Giancarlo Doom Conundrum.   

Does Hal Steinbrenner Even Watch The Yankees?

By Son of Godzilla, a.k.a. Paulie Watercooler 

(Son a.k.a. Paulie, Yankee fan and It Is High reader, submitted this through Twitter, in what will be remembered as the last constructive thing to happen there, ever.)

A year or two ago when I was really worried about where the team was headed, I ended up in an social media argument with a Yankees beat writer I thought was too soft on ownership (As we know, this has been most of them). This person said to me, "It sounds like you don't think Hal even watches all the games." And acted like that was so silly of me. I responded that, honestly, the results and decision making made me question his level of engagement. How could he be watching and make such obviously bad decisions? 

Anyway, now it seems like we have confirmation. In my frustration with where we're at, I was rage reading through some recent articles including Judge's comments at his locker. One line absolutely jumped out at me: “I think there’s some things that happened this year that opened people’s eyes,” he said. “Hopefully the right people saw it and we’ll get the right people in the room to discuss those things and figure it out.” 

How is it possible to read that as anything other than our captain, most important player, and the guy Hal supposedly did so much to bring back openly wondering whether the owner even pays attention on a day-to-day basis? Our Captain, a paragon of discretion and class, is openly questioning whether Hal is even tuning in. 

Let that sink in: As Hal supposedly prepares to make changes to the team, Aaron Judge is wondering if he even watches or cares. I am too.

On the Internet, it looks rather easy to trade for Juan Soto. It won't be

The internet - or at least ex-GM Jim Bowden, who now grinds grist for The Athletic - thinks the Death Barge can obtain Juan Soto by trading a package of Michael King, Jhonny Brito, Everson Pereira and Oswald Peraza. Yeah, right. And I'm the Easter Bunny. 

Soto, who'll turn 25 next Wednesday, is a generational star who bats LH, hits for power and average, draws the most walks in baseball, and seems to have played through his diva phase in San Diego. From here, he looks like the next Miguel Cabrera or Bryce Harper, and even on a one-year-rental - (he's a free agent in 2025) - the Paddies won't trade him without demanding at least one emerging star in return. 

That doesn't describe King, Brito, Pereira and Peraza - all functioning lug nuts. (King, sadly, due to his injury history.) To cut that deal, Cooperstown Cashman would throw in his mother's pacemaker. But the concept is a mirage. It's a joke. No,  worse - it's the modern, purest, highest, felony-grade form of crapola.  

It's clickbait. 

Yep, and here I go, swallowing whole. This is an offseason parlor game we play to torture ourselves, when the world has turned to shit. We tell ourselves that Juan Soto could be had without surrendering a pint of blood, when the actual price tag will be measured in kegs. In a heartbeat, Boston would beat that offer. In two, so would the Mets. If you think the Yankees can get Soto without giving up Anthony Volpe and/or The Martian, you've missed the last two years of Cashman's trade follies, which remain an ongoing disaster.

What's most hilarious about Bowden's blather - (and face it, he won: he got my click) - is the 1990s notion that the Yankees, or any of the tomato cans on his Soto Go-to shit list - can trade their way out of mediocrity. To be blunt, Cashman's trades have ruined this franchise. If he hibernated the last two years - (we'd have had to endure without Willie Calhoun, Franchy Cordero, Jake Bauers and Billy McKinney) - who knows? We might now be playing in the postseason.

And then there is Prince Hal. The only thing Hal Steinbrenner brings to the trade table is an enormous, unfathomable avalanche of money - more that he can spend in a dozen lifetimes. He is not savvied. He is not cagey. He is simply unbelievably, obscenely, ridiculously rich. Improving the Yankees will require him to dig deeper into his precious fanny pack and spend some of that Starr Insurance gold on foreign players - oh, those smug, ungrateful employees - rather than beachfront property. 

Sorry to be a Debby Downer here. But trading for Soto won't be painless. And it pisses me off when they make the Yankee situation look less dire. This is an institutional crisis, not fun time swapping Topps cards. 

"The Road Less Traveled," by Randy Frost

(Sent on tiny cat feet, from the hog butcher and esteemed commenter 13bit)

THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED

by Randy Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
But I know little about the game
And be one GM, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
Then traded for some broken arms;

I sold the farm, but just as fair,
And since I’m great at 4D chess,
I got some prospects, worse for wear;
And gave them to our training staff
Who never really know or care,

And then I sat back, thinking hard
The sky had started snowing fast.
The season was over, just for us!
Yet knowing how way leads to way,
I thought that I might win next year.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
I bought a has-been hitter, and put
together a rotten farm, but I sleep well
Hal don’t care, that makes all the difference.

At least Yankee fans can sit back and snicker about Aroldis

These nights - if you crave some wholesome, gruesome Halloween horror - there is always the zombie parade of ex-Yanks and shouldabeens in the postseason, leading their teams to glory. 

It's fun to imagine Hal and Cash sitting in their home entertainment theaters, stroking their Starr Insurance arm patches, and cursing the juju gods for their ever-shrinking reputations. We can watch Jordan Montgomery, Nathan Eovaldi and Bryce Harper succeed, and with each solid outing, each HR, each personal victory, they remind the world of how incompetently the '23 Yankees were run. 

The poster boy for last season's failure should not be Willie Calhoun. 

It deserves to be Prince Hal.  

But but but... one particular pitcher is managing to make the brass look rather polished.  

I'm referring to the Grin Reaper, the Human Waterfall, the Cuban Missile Crisis - El Chapo, himself- Mr. Aroldis Chapman - the man who fires bullets, figuratively and literally. 

Last night, in case you missed it - (what? you actually have a life?) - the Texas Rangers brought in El Chapsick to protect a two-run lead in the 8th. The previous night, he had nearly given up a critical two-run blast, sending his left-fielder leaping at the outfield wall. You'd think they'd have learned. Chappy has a - well - a history at Minute Maid Park. When he enters a game, balls are known to leave the field. 

Well, last night, he came through - for Hal and Cash, anyway. The second batter, Yordan Alvarez, sent a ball up to Elon's Starlink system, cutting the Rangers' lead to one and sending Aroldis to the seafood buffet.  

Look, it's no fun watching a proud ex-Yankee star become the subject of mockery and derision... unless that certain proud ex-Yankee star happened to quit on your team last October. 

Then - well, yeah, ya know what? - it is sorta fun! 

Out there on the mound, Chapman is a human gas can. No lead is safe. At any time, he's capable of going POOF. And he's theirs - not ours - he can never hurt us again. (Even if he pitches well, he's a walking embarrassment to Hal and Cash, so - yeah- we're off the hook.)

Small victories, I suppose. Bring him in, Texas! He's all yours! And he's working on that slider! Any day now, he'll perfect it, and be unhittable! 

Fun with numbers

 

So last night, the good folks at Fox Sports treated us to a few stats on the Houston Astros' recent run of successful cheating dynasty building.

It seems that the Astros have now:

—Made league championship series seven years in a row. (Only one club has a longer streak.)

—Made the playoffs seven years in a row. (Only three clubs have longer streaks.)

—Won four pennants in six seasons. (Accomplished by only nine clubs. But there is an intriguing catch.)

What team has a longer, championship series streak? I don't think any of you will be surprised to know that it's the Braves, 1991-1999. (Of course, this conveniently leaves out the 1994, strike-shortened season, when the Braves were six back of Montreal and looked like roadkill before the strike put the kibosh on the postseason.)

The longer playoff streaks? Again the Braves, with 14* (1991-2005); your New York Yankees, 13 (1995-2007); and the Dodgers, at 11 and counting. 

As to winning 4 pennants in 6 years...well, note how the answer was phrased: Nine clubs.

So, from what I've been able to figure, besides the Astros themselves, the other seven are:

—Chicago Cubs (1906-1910; 1906-1908, 1910)

—Philadelphia Athletics (1910-1914; 1910-1911, 1913-1914)

—New York Giants (1921-1924)

—St. Louis Cardinals (1942-1946; 1942-1944, 1946)

—Brooklyn Dodgers (1952-1956; 1952-1953, 1955-1956)

—Baltimore Orioles (1966-1971; 1966, 1969-1971)

—Atlanta Braves (1991-1996; 1991-1992, 1995-1996)

And then there are the Yankees. Who, strictly speaking, DID IT 31 TIMES!

Consider:

—1921-1926 (1921-1923, 1926)

—1922-1927 (1922-23, 1926-1927)

—1923-1928 (1923, 1926-1928)

—1936-1939

—1936-1941 (1936-1939, 1941)

—1937-1941 (1937-1939, 1941)

—1937-1942 (1937-1939, 1942)

—1938-1942 (1938-1939, 1941-1942)

—1938-1943 (1938-1939, 1941-1943)

—1939-1943 (1939, 1941-1943)

—1947-1951 (1947, 1949-1951)

—1947-1952 (1947, 1949-1952)

—1949-1953

—1951-1955 (1951-1953, 1955)

—1951-1956 (1951-1953, 1955-1956)

—1952-1956 (1952-1953, 1955-1956)

—1952-1957 (1952-1953, 1955-1957)

—1953-1957 (1953, 1955-1957)

—1953-1958 (1953, 1955-1958)

—1955-1958

—1956-1960 (1956-1958, 1960)

—1956-1961 (1956-1958, 1960-1961)

—1957-1961 (1957-1958, 1960-1961)

—1957-1962 (1957-1958, 1960-1962)

—1958-1962 (1958, 1960-1962)

—1958-1963 (1958, 1960-1963)

—1960-1964

—1976-1981 (1976-1978, 1981)

—1996-2000 (1996, 1998-2000)

—1998-2001

—1999-2003 (1999-2001, 2003)

But, you know...never since 2003. I wonder what that's about.

Every night, the MLB playoffs continue to torture Brian "Cooperstown" Cashman, and Yankee fans should be loving it

In a common, climactic, zombie flick ending, the villain's dead victims escape their cages and eat him alive. Evil dead karma. Freddie, Jason, Michael - they end up suffering for the rest of eternity, or at least until the next remake. Horror fans can be a tough crowd. They want their villains properly punished.

This month, I suspect Brian "Cooperstown" Cashman will avoid the nonstop rain of slashers, demons and monsters; they'll remind him too much of the MLB playoffs. 

Imagine the torture Cash felt last night, watching Jordan Montgomery throw 6.1 shutout innings against the team that swept us last October? Or watching Aroldis Chapman - the Human Waterfall - toss a scoreless frame? (Fun Fact: His gopher ball died at the left field wall and became a DP because Li'l Jose Altuve screwed up on the base paths.) Wherever he was, Cashman must have felt like Hans Gruber, plummeting from Nakatomi Plaza. 

This follows two weeks of watching Bryce Harper claim the distinction of baseball's greatest October slugger. He's the guy Cashman ran from, screaming, when Harper came to NYC, seeking the chance to fulfill his childhood dream of wearing pinstripes. Bad decision, ya think?

Tonight, Cash gets to watch Nathan Eovaldi, another former Yank, who has already cemented his reputation as a gamer. The Rangers signed him for four years at a fraction of what the Death Star will pay Carlos Rodon through 2028. But, hey, we do have those cool Starr Insurance uniform patches to help pay for it.

Every night, the Yankee fan base finds new reasons to rage over front office malfeasance, and the primal screams reach a crescendo with the reminder that Cash, Hal, Randy and Boonie - the whole criminal gang - will likely all return next season for more mirth and mayhem.  

Yeah, I wonder what Cash watched last night? The Giants, tanking against Buffalo? Nah, too many Yank vibes. "The Wonderful World of Disney 100th Anniversary Special" on ABC? Maybe. When in doubt, there's always Goofy. Or "Yellowstone," the cowboy soap opera starring Ray Kinsella from Field of Dreams. 

Whatever. As Yank fans, we've reached that numb point of nausea, where you embrace the humiliation simply because they must be watching it, too. Yes, Hal, Cash and the cast of Knots Landing - they must be feeling it, too. Of course, they won't suffer enough. They're rich, and they'll forever milk the fan base, and nothing will change that. 

Still, it must hurt to be a laughingstock, a punch line, and for now, that's our Yankee heritage. In Cashman's case, I get the feeling that this is it - this will be his final legacy - stuck in the crypt, and the zombies have escaped. Every night, for us, it's almost sorta cleansing. For them, though, game after game, night after night... it's gotta be hell. We can only hope.

The Florida Problem

No not that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that... I could do this all day. 

Mr. Duque brought up a number of interesting points this AM about Randy Levine's comments. Here's my two cents...  

Let's start with a little nit picking... Hey Mr. Levine!

"A lot more focus has to be on individual teams to do better and not just rely on revenue sharing. You can't have two Florida teams averaging 15,000 fans. You can't have it. You don't go into an NFL stadium or an NBA arena and see that."

Uh... Actually with the NBA you kinda do. You know, because arenas tend to sit 15-20K.

Also, if you played 17 baseball games a year they would sell out. 

But to his broader point... 

The two Florida baseball teams have no reason to exist and the Yankees shouldn't have to pay to keep them in business. On this he's not entirely wrong. 

Tampa Bay plays in a shithole stadium located on the wrong side of the bridge.  Plus, a large number of the baseball fans down there have other allegiances and there really is no reason to go. 

I kind of understand why Miami doesn't draw. You would think the demographics would provide a solid group of people who attend and maybe it does, but that's pretty much it. 

No one visiting Miami says, "Let's do the beach, check out the Art Deco scene, and Calle Ocho, and oh and we've GOT to check out a Marlins game. I've always wanted to go to Whatevertheycallit Stadium.

Conversely Yankee Stadium is a NY bucket list item, it's like Radio City Music Hall. Except the Rockettes' legs work. 

Side question... Do Rockettes pull hammies? Maybe the Yankees should hire their trainer. 

That said, I can see why he's pissed that the Yankees are subsidizing teams that have bad business models, especially since clearly they are better run and beat the Yankees using their money. 

Of course, as EL Duque points out, that doesn't have to be the case and is more about Yankee front office ineptitude than anything else. 

Nevertheless the basic premise still stands. The Yankees pay the Marlins and the Rays to beat them. Apparently they do this a lot. For example, they pay the Orioles to play Aaron Hicks and pay Giancarlo Stanton to DH. 

Here's the solution.

Do it like the old days where the Kansas City A's were pretty much a farm team for the much wealthier Yankees. 

The Yankees keep subsidizing the Rays and Marins but get players in return. Miami gets their 20M revenue share and we get Arraez. 

Fair is fair. 

It's just not fair: Randy Levine complains that the Rays and Marlins field better teams on less money

Generally, it's a sign of rot whenever the topic "Randy Levine" trends on Twitter, or X, or whatever it calls itself these days. This weekend, the Yankee President of Nothingness - (Fun Fact: Randy was once touted as a candidate for White House chief of staff under Donald Trump) - fumed over the success of the Miami Marlins and Tampa Rays, despite those franchises spending micro-pittances on their payrolls. 

It's sad that Levine would bully the poor Florida teams, who must also face sinkholes, red tide, pythons, gay people and venereal disease outbreaks in The Villages. But it's obvious why he choses those teams. 

Tampa annually owns us, despite a team payroll that would barely cover our outfield. And Miami, long ago, did us the ultimate dirt: They gave us Giancarlo Stanton for a handful of magic beans. 

This season, the Marlins averaged 14,000 spectators per game. The rock band Creed might have drawn more. Tampa averaged about 18,000. Nobody cared in April. Nobody still didn't in October. What galls Randy is that both franchises made money, thanks to luxury tax revenue sharing. 

Says Randy:

"A lot more focus has to be on individual teams to do better and not just rely on revenue sharing. You can't have two Florida teams averaging 15,000 fans. You can't have it. You don't go into an NFL stadium or an NBA arena and see that."

Nope. You can't have it. Nosireeebob. Not when the Yankees - and Mets, Giants, Jets, Knicks, Nets, Rangers, Devils, Islanders, etc - serve as the prime beacons of mismanagement in American sports. 

NYC has the greatest fanbases in the world, which means one thing: 

To make money, the ownerships do not need to put good teams into play. 

What should have galled Mr. Levine is that both Tampa and Miami put far superior products onto the field in 2023. 

You know, looking back, he could have made a great Trump sex slave. 

Creating a crapshoot.

 

So, for the third straight season—and the fifth straight, if we take out the Covid season—the team with the best, regular-season record in the National League did not even make it to the NLCS. 

Or, as some MLB announcer put it in a tell-tale description, "the first seed" didn't make it. As if major-league baseball is like any other pro sport, or maybe the NCAA tourney.

It hasn't been quite as bad in the Junior Circuit—but 3 AL, "no. 1 seeds" have also failed to make the ALCS over the past seven seasons now. In 2023, the teams with the top three records in the majors—and the only 100-win teams—were all eliminated before they even reached the league championship series.

This has been attributed to many things: the long layoff that the division winners get as a "reward." The shorter series that the teams play, earlier on—which, ironically, make it MORE likely the lesser team will win in baseball. 

Various ideas have been submitted to do something about this. I would favor adding two more teams, dividing the leagues into four divisions of four teams each, then having only the division winners in the playoffs. They would all play seven-game series, in each round.

Under this format, nobody could get to the playoffs without finishing first in something. 

But I doubt if MLB is looking for a "solution." The current system gives the likes of Brian Cashman a rationale to hide behind:  "Just make the playoffs. It's all a crapshoot."

More and more, he's right—though this still doesn't account for why Houston is going to its seventh straight ALCS (Hint: J.V.). But more importantly, the format allows MLB to sucker fans into thinking that their team can finish third in their division and still have a fair chance of taking the World Series. Everybody into the pennant race, gang!

It's lotto baseball, and don't forget, you can still win something getting three in a row or the powerball number.

To me, this is to distort one of the great joys of baseball, which is the long season. Baseball, everyday, for six months. Baseball that means something—at least for teams that have reached a certain level of excellence—and baseball that ends with a meaningful championship. Or wonderful, excruciating heartbreak.

Baseball without the long season meaning much is a long day's journey into Hohumville. For better and for worse, baseball isn't football or basketball, and it can't be those things. It shouldn't try. Those of us who actually follow and love the sport know that, frankly, even back in the Two "Playoff" Team era, the World Series was already something of a crapshoot. You knew the best team through six months of hard-fought play.

Nothing could take that away. 

What's worse, Crapshoot Playoffs reflect the way the game is played today. Batter by batter, pitch by pitch, baseball has become a giant crapshoot. Strikeout or home run, with each roll of the dice. All greater skill and subtlety is eliminated.

So it is with what we have in this pathetic wreckage of a playoffs today, where Arizona or Texas could easily be World Champs. 

C'mon, seven and eleven! Rooting for the numbers makes as much sense—and gives as much joy—as watching these champion frauds.

 

Top Ten ANGRY Homer Hollars we'll never get to hear from John Sterling

1. A BLAST FROM BRYCE! WHO THEY SAID WASN'T WORTH THE PRICE!

2. A LONG FLY FROM SHOHEI! NOT A YANKEE GUY. WHY? WHY? WHY?

3. IT'S JUNIOR VLAD! AT US, HE'S STILL MAD!

4. MOOKIE BETTS! NEVER BE OURS, BUT CALL THE METS!

5. FREDDIE FREEMAN! TAKE A KNEE, MAN!

6. HEY, RONALD ACUNA? LOOK HERE, CUZ I'LL MOON YA!

7. JUAN SOTO, WE'RE NOT IN KANSAS, TOTO!

8. A WHACK FROM MUCHADO, CANCEL OUR BRAVADO!

9. MATT OLSON? GIMME A MOLSON!

10. RAFAEL DEVERS! MORE BAD YANKEE ENDEAVORS!

Top ten reasons the Yankees didn't sign Bryce Harper in 2019

1. They already had Mike Tauchman.

2. He came on too aggressively; that stuff turns a girl off.

3. A lefty slugger in Yankee Stadium? That's absurd.

4. He looked like the type who would want to grow a beard.

5. Those claims that he'd been a Yankee fan all his life? Who believes that?

6. It was obvious that he couldn't handle the pressure.

7. Age 26? Way too young. They'd wait until he's 39.

8. The Yankees simply had no money. And did the fans bother to thank them for all that they were already spending?

9. I mean, the showers needed refinishing, and the old gasheap needed new tires. How was Hal expected to live on the meager money he was making off the Yankees?

10. It doesn't grow on trees, people.  

Glad we didn't get these mutts.

 

As this Yankees-less playoff season trundles along, let's not be so conscious of how well a virtual team-ful of ex-Yankees is doing that we neglect to note how well so many of those Yankees-who-never-were are faring (yet again).

Bryce Harper, the man who supposedly offered himself to the Yankees at a discount when he was a free agent before the 2019 season, has been, what's the technical term? One Bad Motherfucker of late, getting his Phillies within a game of the NLCS—where he won the 2022 series MVP.

The Yankees ignored his pleas, of course. And all Harper—a lefty hitter—has done since is won a regular-season MVP and a Silver Slugger, made an All-Star team, and hit 9 postseasons home runs (and counting). 

Can you picture that guy hitting behind Judge? Good riddance to bad rubbish!

And then there's Justin Verlander, back in the ALCS for the SEVENTH STRAIGHT time with his Houston Astros. He's won 10 games in the postseason since he went to Houston—including 2 in 2017, when he was the ALCS MVP for shutting us down (twice). 

Verlander's only won two (and nearly three) Cy Youngs since going to the Lone Star State.

But Brian Cashman had a better idea, of course: trade for Sonny Gray! Who he then dealt for Shed Long, Jr.! Shed Long, Sr. is an entire guest cottage! Remember your waitresses!

Clutch, big-game giants who are already Hall-of-Fame locks. And I won't even get into the various supporting characters we ALSO didn't sign or trade for when we had the chance, most notably Corey Seagar and J.T. Realmuto.

But I'm sure their analytics just didn't hold up. Hey, always remember, folks: trust the PROCESS. And when the process works like this, I say bring on the AI bots.

Speaking blaspheme: Top Ten Reasons Why the Yankees should - gasp - re-sign Luis Severino

1. Nathan Eovaldi.

2. Sonny Gray.

3. Jordan Montgomery.

4. Lance Lynn.

5. If they get emotional and bawl about team loyalty, family, commitment, etc - do some hugging, and shots of tequila - they might get him cheap.

6. He'll turn 30 next year. Thirty.

7. It's time to stop scapegoating players, as if they were to blame for everything that went wrong. Sevy returned too soon from an injury, he had nothing, he got pounded, and he got booed off the mound. He was trying to rescue a rotation in freefall. He should have suffered those outings in Scranton. He deserves a chance to clear his name.  

8. Even if Sevy fails, it'll still beat watching him go elsewhere - (gulp, Boston?) - and succeed. By a lot. 

9. Whomever they sign to replace him will bring a brand new tranche of personal baggage. They'll find someone who had disappointed in his previous incarnation - another  team's Sevy. 

10. The devil you know... 

Seriously, the wolfpack view across the Yankiverse is that "it's better for both sides" if Severino goes elsewhere. Sez who? Sez the brain trust who cast out Eovaldi, Gray and Jordan? 

Maybe it's time for the Yankees to show irrational loyalty to a player they know - especially if they're going to show crazy, stupid fealty to their managerial and front office cupcakes. 

Re-sign Sevy. And if he fails again, so what? At least we tried.

Hal Steinbrenner promises "changes."

 

Top Ten Reasons to Be Prideful, if you're a Yankee fan

1. Finished above .500 for 31st straight year! Unbelievable! 

2. Not only that, but they finished TWO (2) games above .500.  A game to spare! It wasn't even close!

3. Next up, we're looking to beat that 39-year above-.500 streak by the ancient Yankees. Yes, Mr. Boone, there is a reason to live!

4. Ex-Yanks Nathan Eovaldi, Jordan Montgomery and El Chapo leading Texas to the ALCS. A little bit of NYC on that team!

5. Gerrit Cole.

6. Bryce Harper thrown out to end Phillies game two. What a bum! How smart we were, not signing him! Waytago, front office!

7. AL East Yankee-haters Tampa, Toronto and Baltimore all eliminated. Haha. Take a seat, losers. Not so mouthy now, is ya? 

8. When he finally got called up to NYC, Estevan Florial only hit .230. See? The Yankee brass was right about him. Waytago, front office!

9. Franchise deftly managing to make big payroll the culprit in team demise. Thus, they can dump salaries, skip free agent auctions and bank more money. Waiting for the outside "audit." (Wink, wink.) Waytago, front office!

10. Humina humina humina... um, finished over .500... again! THE STREAK LIVES!  Take THAT, Kansas City!

Top Ten Reasons to be depressed, if you're a Yankee fan

Keeping the top 10 flow...

1. Aaron Judge and Gerrit Cole have had their peak seasons. We cannot expect more from them.

2. Giancarlo Stanton has now gone two straight years hitting below .211, with an on base percentage below .300. He'll be 34, and he can't run. His problems run much deeper than merely the batting coach.

3. The Yankees can spend $240 million to merely recreate last year's lineup. That's over the luxury tax threshold, and it wouldn't solve the holes in LF, CF and 3B.

4. It increasingly looks as though nobody in management will be held accountable for last year's collapse.

5. Hal Steinbrenner has figured out what we have long feared: That mediocre Yankee teams can still turn a profit. All they must do is contend through mid-September. With a 12-team playoff system, that's not hard. 

6. Because they own the principle media that covers them, the Yankee ownership escapes the scathing criticism that players regularly hear.  

7. The Mets and Redsocks are poised to spend big this winter. Both teams strategically tanked this season, seeking better draft picks. 

8. The farm system is so-so. (The Mets revived themselves by trading Verlander and Scherzer, and Boston's is considered top 5.) 

9. Our premier impact rookie, Jasson Dominguez, will be out until July. (And we still don't know if he's for real.

10. Carlos Rodon has lost his fastball. That's not a pitch you can tweak. 

And Taylor Swift has chosen football. She won't be attending Yankee games.

The real question of the 2023-24 off season: Will Hal Steinbrenner collude with Steve Cohen, and how will it play out?

Last winter, it was - how would you say it? - "curious" - how Mets owner Steve Cohen sidestepped the bidding war over Aaron Judge. Here was his chance to sign baseball's greatest slugger, to anchor the Mets batting order, to bolster the clubhouse, to drive a stake into the crosstown rival Yankees and to take by storm the megalopolis of New York. In other auctions, Cohen bestrode the planet without restraint. Yet in the one battle would have made the biggest impact, he clutched his fanny pack and pulled up lame.

Now, there were solid reasons for this. Clearly, collusion had nothing - absolutely nothing! - to do with it. In fact, if anyone here remotely smart mouths that Mr. Cohen and Sir Hal Steinbrenner struck some sort of secret deal, well, I'm sending Alphonso to slap you crisply across the face. Because them be fightin' words! And around here, we don't tolerate fightin' words. You must think you landed on one of those sites that sit around and let the Yankees be complained about. Well, you're wrong. 

Last winter, no matter how it may have looked, there was NO collusion - none, whatsoever - between the two Titanic titans of Gotham. Moreover, as was stated above, we won't even speculate what kind of "collusion" could transpire this winter, because it WON'T. Get it, Mr. Ronan Farrow Woodward-Bernstein? NO COLLUSION!

But but BUT...  knowing this is just for fun, and because it's been a long, hard October, let's play a parlor game in which we enact a mythical conversation between two fictional owners that we'll call "Mr. Steve" and "Mr. Hal." 

This is how the Yankees and Mets could save themselves a lot of money - WHICH THEY WON'T DO! - which, instead of going to rich players, could be funneled back into their franchises for the betterment of all.  

Hal: Hey, Mr. Steve, we haven't dipped into the Asian market for a few years now. Can we get the pitcher, Yamamingo, Yamamengis, Yama - oh, I can never remember his name, but you know him. The Japanese guy. Can we have him? 

Steve: Wait a minute. I thought you wanted Clay Bellinger's kid? That's what you said. You can't have both. If you get Bellinger, then I want Yamamoto. 

Hal: Then you don't get Ohtani, because that would be three Japanese stars, counting Senga. That's too many. 

Steve: Senga is not a star. But you're right, the Commissioner has his secret quota. So, I'd trade you Clay's kid for Ohtani...

Hal: Clay's kid and Yamamingo. And I'll let you have Juan Soto. That's right. You can trade for him and maybe even Machado. I figure you traded Scherzer and Verlander for prospects, so all you gotta do is package them up and send them to San Diego. We'll sit that one out. Everybody wins!

Steve: Hmm. You get Clay's kid and the Motoman. We get Ohtani, Soto and Machado. You know something? That just might work! Now, what about 3B?

Of course, this won't happen. Because collusion doesn't exist.

The Real Audit: Part Four

 

Let's call this Part Four of the real, IIHIIFIIC audit of your New York Yankees.

This time, we turn to Josh Allen, and his piece at our esteemed, sister publication, Pinstripes Nation. 

Mr. Allen backs El Duque's recent words with facts and figures on just how screwed the Yankees are, how unable they are to undertake due to how many dollars have already been committed to sunk costs in the contracts of Cantrun, Rodon, DJ, and Rizzo.  

https://pinstripesnation.com/contract-flaws-cripple-yankees-in-2023-2023-10-04/

Allen's piece—written back when the team's audit had not yet been exposed for the p.r. fraud it was—points out that the Yanks are likely to be hit by a whopping luxury tax for 2023, and how there's no relief in sight.

"Over the years, extending from the inception of CBT (Competitive Balance Tax) penalties in 2003 through the 2022 season, the Yankees have borne the burden of these penalties on a staggering 17 occasions, accumulating a grand total of $358 million in penalties, according to the Associated Press," writes Allen. "This era of unprecedented payroll spending has seen the Yankees secure two American League pennants (in 2003 and 2009), and one World Series championship (in 2009)."

OUCH!

You would think, after seeing his record laid out that baldly (no pun intended!), somebody would be embarrassed.

But then, you would think that, after seeing that record, somebody would no longer have a job.

Let's be honest: All Yankee trade talk is crapola.

 This baby popped up today, on whether Juan Soto could become a Yankee.

Look, I mean no disrespect to the writer, or the site, or the editor, or the headline maker, or to the readers and/or to Juan Fucking Soto himself. But right now, the Yankiverse is a simmering sea of steamy bullshit, and the cause for clicks has possibly and reportedly never been less worthwhile. 

Fun fact: Everybody knows the Yankees could drain their farm system for Soto, which might work, or simply become the newest Worst Cashman Trade Ever. We can speculate into Opening Day on how or why such a deal might happen. But right now, it's bullshit - desperate bullshit - put forth by canny writers, because there is nothing to say about the Yankees this month, aside from the fact that they truly suck.

So, look, fellow treadmill gerbels of the Yankiverse... I say, abandon the trade talk, jettison the Aaron Boone questions, and get back to the tried and true method of grabbing viewers: Displaying ladies in their underwear. Get out your Page 6 thesaurus: They are "toned," their legs are "stems," and they "spill" out of their blouses, and they'll function as a three-month long Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition to fill in the hole that used to be the Yankees in October. 

As for IT IS HIGH - being woke and drunk - I say we'll go for another useful click-catcher: Top Ten Lists.

TOP TEN REASONS FOR YANKEE TOP TEN LISTS

1. Most Yankee fans have ten fingers and ten toes. Thus, this list will not confuse them. (Fun Fact: Many boosters of Oswaldo Cabrera are known to have six fingers.)

2. Lists are short. They cannot run on endlessly, across the 40-man roster, because - hey - you only get 10.

3. The are well organized. Numbers beat doing lists alphabetically or via the Dewey Decimal System. 

4. They challenge the writer. Really now, how can we do the Top Ten Reasons to Trade for Soto? After, No. 1, he can hit, everything else is crapola. Thus, Mr. Norman Mailer, you gotta roll up your sleeves and do some work. 

5. It's fun to see a writer become desperate for filler. This often happens around No. 5. 

6. The lists, um, can be read out loud! And who doesn't like to read them out loud?

7. They include important information, such as what 1B TJ Rumfield - (I love this guy's name, he's the new Rummy!) - hit last season at Double A Somerset. He hit .219 with 17 HRs. Next year, the Rumster hits Scranton! See? A big No. 7.

8. Okay, they fill space quite well. If No. 7 wasn't strong, maybe No. 8 will be better!

9. Humina humina humina...

10. They fill a void. And this October, the Yankees sure didn't. Go Jordan Montgomery! Make them pay.