Virtual Baseball: Yanks Top O's Again, May Have Found 4th Starter. Stanton "F-----g Insane."

In virtual baseball today, the New York Yankees completed a four-game sweep of the Baltimore Orioles.  But they may have done something even more important:  finally discovered a No. 4 starter for their injury-plagued rotation, after failed auditions for the role by Jordan "Field Marshal" Montgomery, Unecessa Cessa, and Johnny Loaisiga.

Mike King, still recovering from a serious arm injury that sidelined him for most of the last two seasons, pitched six credible innings at today's getaway game at the Stadium, even though he left trailing, 3-2.  King struck out 10 and gave up only two earned runs, relying on an assortment of what he later called, "good, reliable junk."

The Yanks rallied when Mike Ford—who had been fined the day before by MLB for eating a hamburger in the dugout that was found to have come from an unsanctioned vendor—hit a three-run homer in the bottom of the eighth.

Ford drew another fine when he defiantly ran the bases munching on a buttered, roast corn-on-the-cob.

"Hey, I was hungry," he told reporters in the clubhouse, while enjoying his usual, postgame snack of Oysters Rockefeller.

Reliever Tommy Kahnle got the win, while Sweaty Palms Chapman pitched a scoreless ninth for the save.

Meanwhile, rehabbing slugger Giancarlo Stanton, now down from his usual playing weight of 245 to a svelte 220, continued to irritate his Yankees teammates by performing a number of unusual yoga exercises before the game.

"He's out there doing 'Deep-diving dog' or some such s--t," remarked a Yankee who requested anonymity, but whose name is Clint Frazier.  "It's f-----g insane!"

Meanwhile, New York general manager Brian Cashman, still recuperating from an unfortunate lizard-recognition accident, reportedly suffered a setback today.  Due to what was thought to be an infection, Cashman was said to have been plagued by hallucinations, repeatedly screaming, "Is that you, Ellsbury?  Get back—get back!"

The Yankees, now 9-4, are solidly in second place in the AL East, but still three games behind the 12-1 Tampa Bay Rays, whose red-hot start has helped them to break the 100 mark in attendance this season.

Baseball's Brave New World?

Our Peerless Leader, El Duque, raises some typically thoughtful—and also dire—concerns about the game's future.  I think they are well-warranted.  But there could also be some upsides to this.

Will the minor leagues die?  Maybe, as we know them.  But MLB was about to kill them anyway.

Perhaps we could revert to an earlier incarnation of the minors, one in which the teams are independently owned, and sell players to the major to support themselves.  The possibilities for exploitation are manifest here, too, of course.  But also, maybe it's past time for minor leaguers to have their own union, and fight for their rights.

Minor-league players could become free agents after each year—and sign with whomever the hell they please.

Will the MAJOR leagues die?  Maybe, as we know them.  And that wouldn't necessarily be so bad, either.

Maybe, if the owners try to use this to clamp down on salaries and players' rights, players should revive an idea that almost worked way back in 1890, and start their own league.  It should be easier than ever, what with all the money the players have now.

Hire a few lawyers, take on a few investors, and...voila!  Even if the existing teams are able to lock them out of major-league stadia, the REAL major leaguers can set up elsewhere.

The 1890 Players' League pretty much killed one of the two, pre-existent major leagues at the time—the old American Association—and almost finished off the National League as well.  This time, they might succeed.

I don't know about you guys, but I love the idea of the New York Jeters dominating the new players' league.

Will anyone go?  No, not at these prices, anymore—I think Duque is right.  But to revise the entire pricing structure of the game would be a good thing, too.

Picture a world in which players average "only" a couple hundred thousand or so in salary every season, and ownership profits drop into the low millions, instead of billions.  Boo-hoo.

It would be a nice dose of reality in a sport that has all but gilded itself to death.  Fans might become closer to the players, the players might stop all the drugging, and the owners might be forced to treat the fans decently again.

All good.

Plague Theater: "Wait a minute, young lady... The Yankees don't sit with losers."

When George finally made it to Seinfeld. 

Will the coronavirus do MLB's bidding, and eliminate much of the minor leagues?

Last night, I was teleconferencing with a bunch of old farts - yeah, we look pathetic - and talk turned to the seriously endangered 2020 baseball season. The notion of teams playing in Arizona before empty bleachers - though maybe better than nothing - hardly resembles a real season. We kept reaching one conclusion: 

Until humanity has a drug or vaccine that clobbers this virus, there is no return to the old ways. Even then, baseball will never be the same.

Major U.S. sports could be effectively sidelined until mid-2021, or even longer. Impossible? Who six months ago could have imagined our current situation? 

If baseball is canceled this year - a real possibility - what might it look like on the other side of the pandemic? I invite your thoughts. Here are a few of mine:

The minor leagues could shrink. The upper-crust bastards at MLB were already seeking to kill many minor league franchises, though political headwinds were pushing back. After this, I wonder if communities will have the clout to keep their franchises alive. Syracuse, where I live, has battled to support the Chiefs for 30 years. Public money has always been involved. Will the team survive this? All bets are off. It's not hard to imagine dozens of small cities with empty stadiums, built by taxpayers - relics of the past - with nobody to play in them. 

A few MLB franchises might fold. Looking at Tampa, which has failed to gain a solid toehold in Florida, despite fielding excellent teams. Last fall's playoffs seemed to revive support for the Rays. That momentum could be lost. And other teams could be stretched. Here's an impossible thought: If NYC continues to be a boiling kettle of flu, could it support two teams? Once upon a time, when faced with red ink, MLB owners could hold threaten to move and hold taxpayers for ransom. After this, I don't think that's going to work.  

Many great careers would be cut short. For the Yankees, Brett Gardner comes to mind. A happy ending to Giancarlo Stanton's Yankee career might never get written. Instead of a Yankee decade, the Twenties could be an era of missed opportunities and bloated contracts. Will Gleyber Torres be denied what could be the greatest season of his life? Same with Gerrit Cole. But it runs across the spectrum: Will Albert Pujols ever hit another home run? What about Justin Verlander and Zack Grienke? There will be a BEFORE and AFTER, and owners will surely try to impose a salary cap - even more than the de facto cap (alias "luxury taxes") that already exists. Yankee fans might not like the new reality.

The game would have to find an entirely new pricing structure. For years now, the Yankees have priced poor families out of games, and hefty YES Network fees to cable outlets strained the wallets of Millennials. The new stadium created a rich-poor breaking point, and frankly, I think it only sustained itself through traditions, corporations and the money of wealthy boomers. Until a vaccine is available, old farts won't be attending games. At the old prices, I wonder who will? 

In our lifetimes, baseball will never be quite the same.

(If I haven't totally depressed you, note that I'm soon going to launch polls for the IT IS HIGH All-Time Yankee opponents team, so please add your candidates to the comments section here or in yesterday's post.) 

Virtual Game 12: Streaking Yanks Rally to Top O's, 9-8. Stanton Begins to "Freak Out" Teammates.

The Virtual New York Yankees today completed a stirring comeback with a three-run 9th inning, topped off by Gio Urshela's two-run single through the infield, to edge Baltimore.

It was the 6th straight win for the 8-4 Yanks against the O's this season.  Urshela also contributed several outstanding plays in the field, Gleyber Torres added an inside-the-park home run, and new left fielder Miguel Andujar threw two Orioles out at the plate, as the Yanks rallied from an 8-3 deficit.

The only sour spot came in the early innings, when the Yankees' search for a viable No. 4 starter again went awry, as "Johnny Lasagna" was battered by the Birds, surrendering 6 earned runs.  Only standout relief from Tommy Kahnle, Chad Greene, Zack(h) Britton, and "Sweats" Chapman made the New York comeback possible.

Meanwhile, several Yankees reported anonymously that rehabilitating slugger Giancarlo Stanton was beginning to "freak us out" with his frequent chants of "Dairy is murder!" and his extended meditation sessions, in which he kept chanting "Om!  Om!"

Several thought he might be trying out a new kind of PED, and were eager to know what it was.

Plague Theater: "Major League Baseball is spying on me."

But it's okay. 

My "B" Team

When I was a young and strapping athlete, I sharpened my batting eye by playing stickball 

against " Big John," a neighborhood friend and an avid baseball lover of the ( then ) NY Giants.

At the local elementary school, we chalked a strike zone on a brick wall and played for hours.  Sometimes, local twosomes would wander by and challenge us. We never lost to anyone, in my memory. Home or away. 

I , of course, was a Yankee fan.  But, as a young kid, I didn't have the composure to represent the Yankees in a stick ball game and ( possibly ) lose.  This quality...or lack thereof ...continues with me today.

The point of this tale is mostly to say;  I selected the Tigers as my team for stickball.  If " Big John" beat me, I would not collapse emotionally. I could hold my Detroit Tiger composure and get ready for the next game.

My favorite players, of course, were :  Yale Lary, Al Kaline and Harvey Keune ( I can't spell this one).  The latter two were all stars in their early 20's and great at everything.  Yale Lary, of course, was a "Yankee killer" in real life,  but, on my team he was just a great inspiration.  

In the end,  I think "Big John" and I broke even, after about 1000 games.    He was a better pitcher and could hit the "spaldine"  ( those pink things ) a country mile....but I was a better fielder and clutch hitter.  I think I got lucky a few times, as well. 

Whoever won, we would retreat to the local deli for orange Nehi and Twinkies. A great remedy for hurt feelings. 

Sorry to hear of Al's passing, but he'll be an all star wherever he winds up. 

Offworld Series

Play all the games in Arizona?
Could it be done? Would we wanna?
Played in front of empty stands
Masks on players, gloves on hands
Players going through the motions
Or passing out while sweating oceans
With beer ads showing bars and fetes
While we sit alone, drooling in our seats
Broadcast to the waiting masses
Numb from our brains on down to our asses
Trapped because of the pandemic--

Already feels like a Schwarzenegger flick.

Plague Theater: "I'm back in business, baby!" George Costanza joins the Yankees

Best part is when he lists the Yankee greats. 

With the passing of Al Kaline, I've been thinking of the ALL-TIME YANKEE OPPONENTS TEAM

The first sports magazine I ever bought - (actually, my dad bought it for me) - was a black-and-white thing called "WHO'S BEST IN SPORTS?" It featured one-page profiles of star athletes, most of whom I'd never heard of. But one I already knew too well. The headline said, "DON'T LEAVE OUT AL KALINE," and, goddamm, they were right. Any list of great outfielders - Mickey, Willie, Roger, Bob Clemente, etc. - needed Kaline. (R.I.P., Mr. Tiger.)

These days, turns out that I have some time on my hands. Time to think about not just old Yankees, but the demons who haunted my childhood, adolescence, salad days and - damn - they can still hijack a drinking jag. They ruined months, years, of my life. The great ones.

On that note, I invite you to join me in drawing up the IT IS HIGH ALL-TIME YANKEE OPPONENT TEAM. For now, we need nominees. If we can make a list, I'll set up a poll, we can vote and - damn - it'll kill a few Groundhog Days of this quarantine. I feel like Trump and his wonder drug: Whattaya gotta lose? So... here are easy ones, pulled off the top of my head. I suggest we go beyond simply naming the greatest players of all-time, but limit this to the ones who particularly drew the most blood. Some suggestions...

c: Lance Parrish, Ivan Rodriguez, Carlton Fisk

1b:

2b: Joe Morgan, Roberto Alomar, Jose Altuve 

ss: Cal Ripken, Rick Burleson 

3b: George Brett, Brooks Robinson

lf: Manny Ramirez

cf: Johnny Damon

rf: Al Kaline Dwight Evans, Frank Robinson, Jose Bautista

dh: David Ortiz, Edgar Martinez 

sp: (Pick 5) Pedro Martinez, Curt Schilling, Sandy Koufax, Frank Larry, Roy Halladay, Felix Hernandez, Teddy Higuera, Gerrit Cole

bullpen (Pick 3): Rich Garces (el Guapo) 

closer: 

All right, everybody... suggestions?

Virtual Game 11: Yanks Stomp, Fillet, Grind Birds Into Dust, 16-3. Stanton a Vegan.

In Virtual Baseball today, the Yankees dished out their usual pounding to the Orioles, 16-3.  Line drives off the bat of Miguel Andujar injured three different Baltimore infielders, they were hit so hard.  As the third one was carried off the field, O's outfielders were seen openly weeping.

It was also a good day for D.J. LeMahieu, who made a circus catch on a can o' corn, hit for the cycle with a Texas Leaguer, a two-sacker, a three-bagger, and a dinger.  Clint Frazier made a spectacular, over the should catch, facilitated by the fact that he began the play facing the wrong way.

J.A. Happ cruised to 3-0 record.

Afterwards, Manager Ma Boone had a faraway look in his eyes.

"Aren't the Orioles dreamy?  Can't we play them everyday?" he asked reporters.

The big news of the day, though, was a press conference in which a surprisingly svelte Giancarlo Stanton announced that, in keeping with his declaration from the day before that his body is a temple, he will now become a vegan.  Sportswriters, unfamiliar with the term, thought he was changing his citizenship.

"What it means is this:  no meat, no fish, no eggs, no milk," Stanton explained, standing next to his friend, Oscar-winning actor Joaquin Phoenix.  "Dairy is murder!  Milking is torture!  Free the cows!  Burn the barns!"

Stanton then pumped a black-and-white glove fist into the air, and made a strange, ululating sound that Mr. Phoenix informed the flummoxed press corps was a cry of solidarity with the world's heifers.

The Yankees outfielder did not give a timetable as to when he might be expected back in the lineup.

You can call him Al

Plague Theater: Anger Management invades Yankee Stadium

All-star cast. Adam Sandler. Jack Nicholson. Woody Harrelson. Robert Merrill. Bob Sheppard. Even a pre-meltdown Rudy Giuliani.  

Plague Theater: George Costanza takes BP

George Costanza at the plate.

The Glendale Yankees?

Clearly at wits end, MLB is pondering a plan to start the season in May and play all games in Arizona.

This stroke of genius will get America feeling normal again. Soon, the crack of the bat and whisper of blowing sand dunes will signal a nightly diversion to the ongoing plague. Some of the most delightful aspects of this Mohave League:

1. Teams will self-isolate, living in Phoenix-area hotels, away from families and humanity.

2. Due to the intense, 110-degree daytime heat, games will be played at night. Yankee games could start around 10 p.m. on the East Coast. 

3. Players will constantly be tested for the virus. This will enliven the pennant race, because at any time, one infected player could blow up his team. 

4. Games will be played in empty stadiums, without fans. Thus, players will be able to hear what Micheal Kay and Coney are saying in real time.

5. To compensate for the loss of loved ones, each player will be assigned a service iguana. 

6. Games could be called due to sandstorms. 

7. Instead of being sent to Scranton, a demoted Yankee will go on a "walkabout."

8. Annual home run derby to be held in Grand Canyon.

9. Rosters will be expanded to take into account scorpion bites and third-degree asphalt burns.

10. When coming to bat, all Latino players must present papers to former Sheriff Joe Arpaio.

11. New signature call by The Master: "IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR, IT IS... oh, I got sand in my eye, what happened?" 

Virtual Game 10: Yanks Smash O's, 12-0; Stanton Back in Bronx—and Baffling.

The New York Yankees flattened the sad, semi-comatose Orioles tonight by a 12-0 score, with Masahiro Tanaka picking up his second win of the season.  Gleyber Torres, not quite displaying the same home run power he usually does in Baltimore, hit three triples instead.  The Birds had to be coaxed out of their dugout in the top of the eighth to finish the game, with several of the O's stomping around, throwing their gloves on the ground, and saying, "It's not fair, it's not fair!"

Yankees fans were also glad to see Giancarlo Stanton finally return from a Miami ICU ward today, after his long battle with chorizo/churro poisoning.  

In a bizarre statement before the press, though, Stanton announced:

"I now realize that my body is a temple.  I will no longer pollute it with any harmful substances.  Period."

Told of Stanton's words in his own hospital bed, where he is still recovering from a lizard-misrecognition attack, Yankees' GM Brian Cashman was heard to mutter only, "The horror!  The horror!"

Plague Theater: "Mattingly, get rid of those sideburns!"

The last line is the kicker.

Plague Theater: Doris Day stands up for the Yankees

Mickey, Roger and Yogi pay the price. Folks, it's called "acting!"

On this day in Yankee History...

Dateline, Boston, 1973 ... hello, Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea ... today, Ron Blomberg, young star of the New York Yankees with incredible potential, is the first Designated Hitter in baseball history ... Blomberg walks to the plate and walks to first against Luis Tiant ... Tiant best known for saying "It's great to be with a wiener" in a frankfurter commercial... Bloomie 1 for 3 with a ribbie thanks to the bases-loaded stroll, but Yanks fall, 15 to 5 ... and who was the lady on the arm of Yankee Fritz Peterson? ... no tattling here but sources say it was NOT Mrs. Peterson ... ditto for teammate Mike Kekich ... crazy days in the House of the Babe ...

The real shame of this shutdown: It wrecks anticipation over the Scranton Railriders rotation

Some folks are whining about how this virus is ruining the economy, killing millions, launching civil unrest and undermining fundamental human interactions. Not me. That said, I do find one thing particularly galling: 

This goddam pandemic has absolutely wrecked all anticipation over the 2020 Railriders' starting rotation.

Heading into spring training, MLB carried two major 2020 story lines: Could the Yankees win the world series?, and, How 'bout that Scranton rotation! 

The first question was easily answered: No, because their gonadal-tweaking stars were still folding like lawn chairs. But the second matter still brought hope... until... poof.

Here's where everything stood in the Scranton rotation, before time stopped and everybody went home. This might be all we get from Wilkes Barre's lost year. 

Clarke Schmidt became the ace of Moosic. He finished with a 2.57 ERA, the kind of season of which we dreamed. He was also a tireless warrior: 7 innings! I don't think anybody expected such a workload, especially from a pitcher recovering from Tommy John surgery. But Schmidt never looked back. He would have contended for the International League Cy Young Award.

Jonathan Loaisiga formed a one-two punch that guaranteed Scranton a shot for the Governor's Cup. He finished with an ERA of 2.70, and proved to be the workhorse of the Railriders: 10 innings!

Then there was Luis Cessa. What can I say about Luis Cessa that hasn't been said before. Wait: here's something: He pitched well! A 2.89 ERA over 9 and a third innings. He'd be the No. 3 starter on the SWB staff - a veritable Maddox/Glavine/Smoltz of Triple A.

After that, though, things became sticky. Despite being blogger-ballyhooed, Michael King didn't impress - finished at 3.86 over 9 innings. Albert Abreu (5.40 ERA), Adonis Rosa (6.00), and Deivi Gracia (7.36) suffered off-years. (I'm assuming Jordan Montgomery pitched for the mother ship.) And, of course, who can forget Kaleb Ort? Old No. 88 pitched to a 27.00 ERA - I won't sugarcoat it; that's not good - though we should note the relatively small sample size. He pitched one inning.

Ahh, remembering the hype of that famous Scranton rotation, back in February of 2020. Those were the days...