Writers have always cherished the existential metaphors between baseball and life.
Nine players: Nine planets.
Three outs: morning, noon and night.
Pitcher and catcher: Man and Woman. (Additional Fun Fact: The duration of a home run corresponds EXACTLY to the length of the male orgasm.)
And now comes the 2026 season, with the Yankees and humanity, teetering tonight on the brink...
1. Win or lose, there will still be Yankee chest-thumping, as the series moves to the Bronx. We'll have the RF porch, the gnarly fan-thugs along the foul lines, and the raging, Pizza Rat, Knicks-in-five chaos that Tampa never experiences in its giant, climate-controlled ping pong ball.
2. Win or lose, the Yankees will still start game three with Max Fried or maybe Carlos Rodon, our best starter in late September, (who might still be waiting to throw a pitch.) We'll still have Ben Rice, the poor man's Judge, who - sadly - looks rather clownish, rooting from the dugout. (Love the guy, but if the Yankees flop, 2026 goes down as an incredible embarrassment.)
3. Down 0-2 and heading home wouldn't be history's worst deficit, but it sure would feel that way. Game One birthed our darkest fear: That the Yankees simply don't hit. It's already in our heads. Every Yankee faces that deepening sense of loss, fear and stress. It's happened repeatedly in this millennium. Yankee teams built around HRs suddenly go ice cold, unable to advance a runner. The growing crowd frustration only makes it worse. Is it already here?
4. Already, "Hell's Bells" Austin Wells has become this team's official bonehead, joining Nick Swisher's flubbed liner in the 2012 ALCS, and Gerrit Cole pointing to first base in 2024. Wells being thrown out a car-length from third is already in the future embarrassment queue. Sadly, it might define his career.
5. The lords of MLB and Fox Sports must already be pondering their worst nightmare, a world series between Tampa/Cleveland and Milwaukee/San Diego - small markets with stars that nobody knows. Tampa is particularly sad. The Rays can boast of selling out Game One, but that's probably because Yankee fans were in the mix. Will they sell-out against Cleveland?
6. If the Yankees fall tonight, the floor will start to give way. And here's the real rub: Their veteran lineup could be two years older the next time it takes the field. An ownership lockout looms over November, a dark and sketchy time for America and its national pastime. The world series starts Oct. 23. If it goes seven, the finale will occur within hours of the midterms.
It's gonna be crazy.
The Yankees better win tonight, or the course of humanity could be fundamentally altered forever. How's that for fucking ramifications!
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36 comments:
If “we” fail to beat TB, will the 2026 season be a bigger flop than say, DIGGER?
I don’t think so HOWEVER I do find it heartening to know that CAM LOVES CATS !
Makes my cat Oliver Tiberius really happy to sit with me and watch him pitch.
Occasionally OT does need to excuse himself to leave between innings for a quick scritch in the litter, but soon is back, fresh as a spring morning, ready to watch some more Schlittler.
So …. the two of us will be there tonight watching with the knowledge that if CAM can’t get it done then the 2026 season is pretty much over.
Cam I am.
I still don't like green eggs and ham.
I have longer orgasms.
How is Austin Wells getting thrown out stupidly trying to stretch a double into a triple worse than the rest of the team going 0-23 with 11 K?
If you're in a must-win game on the road, I can't think of any pitcher in 2026 I'd rather have on the mound than Cam Schlittler.
Schlittler on the road this year.
17 GS, 109.0 IP, 58 H, 14 ER, 23 BB, 129 K (1.16 ERA)
You may notice that Schlittler had more STARTS than EARNED RUNS on the road this season. Think about that for a second.
Here's some more context... these are the lowest road ERAs (min. 100 IP away) in a season since 1920:
(1968) Bob Gibson 0.81 ERA
(1995) Greg Maddux 1.12 ERA
(2026) Cam Schlittler 1.16 ERA
(1968) Luis Tiant 1.19 ERA
(1958) Whitey Ford 1.27 ERA
And Cam's 0.743 WHIP on the road this season is lower than Mariano Rivera's postseason WHIP (0.759).
And again... these are the lowest road WHIPs (min. 100 IP away) in a season since 1920:
(2000) Pedro Martínez 0.681 WHIP
(1995) Greg Maddux 0.719 WHIP
(1968) Luis Tiant 0.738 WHIP
(2026) Cam Schlittler 0.743 WHIP
(2019) Justin Verlander 0.761 WHIP
That's some all-time company.
I might cry if he lays an egg tonight.
He was the Cherry on Top . . . .
If it is a green egg, please keep it away from JM as he dislikes green eggs . . .
Before this series, I was not getting any good vibes. After the 1-0 loss, I'm getting terrible vibes.
From a psychological standpoint, the Rays have to be flyin' high. They just won a 1-0 game. The toughest score to win by. They scored only one fucking run and still won! So they must be feelin' unbeatable.
On the other hand, the Yankees must be feelin' dreadful. Their pitching only gave up one fucking run, and they still lost! Doesn't exactly inspire confidence, eh?
Not only did they lose 1-0, but they very nearly got no-hit. And the only hit they got was thrown out trying to stretch to a triple, so they never even got the chance to drive him in. If a tree falling in the forest falls with no one to hear....
So now, this is the point in the season where we confront the moment of truth. It happens to every team at some point during the course of the season. There is only one team good enough to be the Champion. Only one will get to look in the mirror and say "we got it done because we are the fucking best". And the rest go huntin' and fishin'.
If the Yankees lose tonite, I don't need to tell ya, they won't win three in a row against the Rays. So this is the must game. They have to win or else it's pretty much curtains. Technically, not an "elimination game", but might as well call it that.
From the movie "Zorro" (with Alain Delon as Zorro and Stanley Baker as Col. Huerta):
(After an epic twenty minute duel that ends up on the rooftop of the tower of an old west Spanish style castle.)
Col. Huerta: Now, bandit, one of us must die.
Zorro: Very well. Then let this be the moment of truth. (Removes his mask.)
Col. Huerta: (Aghast and amazed) You!!!
(They lunge at each other with their rapiers....)
I was going to ask if it was measured against the hang time of the line drive short porch HRs or the 45 degree moon shot HRs. Everybody should get out their stop watch.
Actual fact: Randy Levine’s orgasms last as long as a foul tip.
Although I am sure that the temptation must be great - Please do not cite your source on this. The Department of Game Threads thanks you.
In "Pumping Iron", Arnold Schwarzenegger claimed that, due to the ecstasy of weight training, the highs that you get, it was like he was having an orgasm all day long.
I think actress Heather Locklear once said that chocolate is better than sex.
Who to believe? I think I'll go with Arnold on this one!
Arnold did two workouts a day. One in the morning and one at night. He split his workouts so he did his arms, chest, and abs in one workout. Then did his legs and back in another workout. At first, this was out of necessity, because he managed a gym, and he didn't have enough time for one long workout. Later, he discovered that splitting his workout this way enabled him to feel stronger and refreshed, so that he could achieve greater gains with better endurance. He also did different exercises on different days of the week, with appropriate rest days in between. So even if he was working out six or seven days a week, he was rotating the exercises to keep his body fresh. So, for instance, arm day on Monday and Thursday, leg day on Tuesday and Friday.
Moral of the story: break your workout up into parts, morning and night, and day to day. You'll get significantly better results.
The duration of a home run corresponds EXACTLY to the length of the male orgasm.
This might also explain, in part, why watching the team go 1-24 with 11 K against Rasmussen was so unsatisfying. Not an orgasm in sight.
Randy has an OnlyFans site - this is public knowledge.
Yuck. And ham.... though are the eggs and the ham both green? Or just the eggs?
Seuss is unclear.
Groucho said a good shit was better than sex. He was fairly old at the time. But not that old.
Jeepers, Hammer. Does anything at all ever bode well with you? Aside from orgasms, I mean.
Funny, James Michael Curley said the same thing. And he was very old at the time.
What I'd like to know is the average time that orgasms are suspended by THINKING about home runs. I'm sure there's much research on this.
I agree with Zach. There was much more of a chance that the throw to third would bounce away than that the next Yankee—either McMahon or McGiancarlo—would drive anyone in from second base.
The correct answer to who the goat was, is...Brian Cashman. For not having Oswaldo or TJ on the roster.
Chickens come to roost. Our chickens are a poorly contracted roster and a deeply flawed approach to hitting, both easily exposed in a short series..
If we don’t win tonight, it’s over.
If the Yankees lose, and they will if they continue not to hit, Manager BaBoone will have his "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow" speech.
LOL, sorry to be such a sourpuss. Just tellin' it like I'm thinkin' it.... Hey, I did predict the Yankees sweep the Red Sox, did I not? I got good vibes that time. So there's that.
Meanwhiles, gotta get back to those orgasms. The Emperor's Club, with Elliot Spitzer's hot professional wench. (He's got damn good taste.) Viscount Victoria's Vixens in midtown. Whoo ... I'm gettin' a ragin' hard on just thinkin' about those glorious hot wenches....
The sun will come out ... tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow
There'll be sun
These days, actually, it's not a certainty anymore. With global warming, the melting polar icecap, the composition of the earth's crust is changing, noxious gases are belching out from the nethers, the very shape of the earth itself is changing, and the magnetic poles could flip. What does all this mean? We could lose our atmosphere or the earth could start tumbling on its axis and go spinning off into a different orbit in space, possibly even collide with the moon or another planet. The sun might not rise tomorrow. So live everyday like it's your last. I offer up R.E.M.:
It's the end of the world as we know it
It's the end of the world as we know it
But I feel fine....
I don't think it's over, even then. But yeah, we need a win with Schlittler.
A lot of guys claim theirs is longer.
That last paragraph...
👍💯💯💯💯💯💯👍👍👍👍👍✅️✅️✅️✅️✅️✅️✅️✅️✅️✅️✅️✅️
The Giants are 3-1, lead the division, and closed out the game with a 100 yard interception return to beat the Cardinals.
We can do this.
I'm a person who never brags but I used to be the stunt double for Ron Jeremy, and I don't mean his face.
His wife claims that he has a foul tip.
There are only 8 planets. Pluto is a dwarf planet. But we only have 8 players and dwarf player Austin Wells.
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