The Inquisition

1:31 EST: Alex is a gifted player. Alex has to tell the truth. Alex has to be sorry. There are hundreds of ways to say these things and the pre-show pundits know them all.

1:39: We don't know if he's sorry, but he is late. Is he coming? Did he kill himself? You have to ask. He seems like a guy who's looking for a reason. But this would be a bad one.

1:41: Harold Reynolds: "This is his State Of The Union." Whoa.

1:43: The Yankees announce that A-Rod is late because he's still at his physical. Because they think we'll believe it?

1:46: I heard a rubber glove snap. Bend over, A-Rod.

1:48: That was quick! He's here! With pants on!

1:50: All lined up at the table. Nervous bunch. Cashman, as always, looks like he's waiting for a text from Satan. A-Rod looks like he expects the doctor to come back with the rubber glove.

1:53: A-Rod admits he's nervous! He's telling the truth! He's telling the truth!

1:56: "It's my cousin's fault, too. We were adorable, ignorant kids."

1:57: "They're testing me LITERALLY ALL OF THE TIME NOW, so leave me alone."

1:58: "Did I mention I was adorable?"

1:59: Oh, A-Rod, is there a pill that will keep you from crying?

2:00: The first question is really mean. "If you hadn't been caught, would you have ratted yourself out?" What do you think, creepy reporter?

2:01: By the way, A-Rod told his first lie a few minutes ago: "Baseball is a lot bigger than Alex Rodriguez."

2:05: Were you cheating?
"It wasn't cheating because I'm exempt because I didn't go to college."
Did you take pills or did you shoot?
"Ol' mama spike right in the mainline."
Why is Jamie Moyer being such a dick?
"?"
Why did you make it impossible for us to raise our kids?
"So God could give me this pulpit from which to raise your kids for you."

2:07: "I don't even know what the dope did to me. I must have been really faced... also, a 25 year old is still a kid."

2:10: He says "we're a family." About the Yankees. Derek Steinbrenner and Mariano Steinbrenner shift in their seats.

2:11: If Derek had heat vision, A-Rod would be dead.

2:14: Hey, speak English. A whole question asked and answered in Spanish. What if it was THE answer that PROVED EVERYTHING?

2:18: "It goes back to being young and being curious." Are we still talking about drugs?

2:19: "I respect Selig." FREAK!

2:20: What's in the bottle, freak?

2:22: Sweeny Murti: "How do we know you're telling the truth now, freak?" A-Rod: "Because you're not Katie Couric. It's impossible to tell that woman the truth."

2:25: "I'm here to take my medicine." If your veins haven't all collapsed.

2:27: Press conference over. Time to get out of those pants.

2:30: Uh-oh. Mike Without Mad Dog is pissed. The Yankees "took the media for a joy ride today. They settled nothing." The scandal goes on! Yay!

The end.