Dear Madam or Sir,
A long time ago, the great Phillies pitcher Steve Carlton broke from conformity and abruptly stopped granting interviews. Either he didn't trust sportswriters, or he recognized that his secret views about Jews and the international banking system would not translate well during post-game chats with Ralph Kiner.
The sportswriters screamed, the TV stations bellowed, and the columnists attacked on the grounds that the American people have a right to know how it feels to give up six runs in two innings. But after a while, everybody moved on. In fact, his catcher, Tim McCarver, became so proficient at speaking on behalf of Carlton that he developed a second career as a game show host.
Carlton made the Hall of Fame, then blew the whistle on his Jewish world conspiracy.
Sir, it is time for you to announce that, from now on, you will have nothing to announce.
No post-game interviews. No pre-game chats. No status updates. No locker room quotes. Enough is enough. Let them squawk. Let them scream. It doesn't matter. Monday, you spoke in front of 100 seething, outraged reporters. Meanwhile, Miguel Tejada went through the same exercize in front of six.
Whatever you say will just fan flames. They will attack you. You're like Obama and Rush Limbaugh. Whatever you do won't matter. They will tear you apart because that is their role. Nothing personal. They must do their jobs, and you must do yours.
You have one form of self-expression: Play in the field.
Nothing else can save your image. No words, no interviews, no smoogings, nothing.
It's time to be silent.
Frankly, most fans never cared about your private life. We understand that ballplayers aren't choir boys. We do not want you to lie to us. But long ago, many of us realized that the closer we see divas, the less fetching they become.
Baseball has enough drama to survive. There are plenty of Tim McCarvers waiting to emerge.
Sir, shut the fuck up and do your job.
You cannot talk your way through this.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Open Letter to Arod: It's time to become Lefty Carlton
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4 comments:
"Long ago, many of us realized that the closer we see divas, the less fetching they become."
You'd think, of all people, AROD would have figured this point out by now.
We, at IIH, are doing our part to prove this true by running all those Madonna close-ups.
It's a great idea. Tim McCarver could be the intermediary. Awesome!
This is a great suggestion.
Only:
1. There is no possibility A-Rod can read and absorb what you are suggesting.
2. He will still fail in key at bats, so who really cares?
3. I guess this is a kind of fan " mercy " rule.
4. It would be a great relief never to hear from A-Rod or Rush Limbaugh again.
5. There would be "peace in the valley ( maybe piece, if lucky ).
It worked for Barry Bonds right?
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