The apology that Hal's dad would have made yesterday

Boys, ladies, gents, guys...

Thanks for stopping by the crypt!

Yes, I know it's cold and clammy down here, and the bagels are covered with spider eggs - Howard Rubenstein isn't answering his phone - but try to get comfortable, and don't stare at St. Peter: He's touchy about having three heads.

I've called you down here to apologize for the New York Yankees of 1982.

Wait, did I say 1982? Ha. I meant the Yankees of 2014. They just remind me so much of the 1982 Yankees that I get confused. Spending eternity in Heaven will do that to you.

What galls me, though, is that my sons must have been drunk or stoned out of their miserable gourds from 1982 through 1996 - the 14-year barf - because they didn't see what can happen to even the richest sports team in America.

Every Yankee fan down here in Heaven - by the way, it's much hotter than I anticipated - is in royal agony about this team. I mean, you hear tortured screams all day. The walls hold giant Yankee posters of Danny Tartabull, Bobby Meacham and Howard Spira, and I have to eat by myself in the cafeteria. These fans still remember what happens when an organization turns its back on youth, forgets to mount a plan that looks beyond next week, and which swallows so much inherited wealth that it chokes on its own delusional hubris.

That's what happened in the 1980s. Unfortunately, my sons were not watching. They were playing the horses, or smoking dope, or doing whatever rich frat boys do - and so now they must rediscover not only the game of baseball but how to walk on their own two feet... and I'm sorry to put you through this. Like I said, get comfortable. It's gonna be a while.

Most of all, I'm sad that Hal still blames his dad for everything that goes wrong, and so instead of firing management - as, yes, I probably did too often - he intends to keep this sorry collection around for his own eternity - and yours.

What? Time's up? Well, so long, guys... Keep churning out that copy. One of these days, you'll be joining me down here. I've got to get back to Heaven. It's movie night. We're watching Ishtar!