Thursday, December 11, 2014

Yanks announce "CIA Day," featuring beer, soda and "Rectal Hydration"

Stand up, Yankee fans! Or maybe you'd rather sit.

The Evil Empire will become the "Medieval Empire" for one day next summer, Yankee President Randy Levine announced today. Fans are urged - and in some cases, required - to attend "CIA Day" at Yankee Stadium, to be held on a date that currently remains classified.

The first 500 fans will receive 60 hours of continuous lightless and freezing isolation. Meanwhile, in pregame ceremonies, former Vice President Dick Cheney will throw out the first nail gun.

On this special day, bar menus at the Yankee Hard Rock Cafe and Five Star Steakhouse will include Rectal Hydrations, and beer vendors will perform water-boarding on thirsty fans.

Buy your tickets now... or the terrorists won.


Dick Cheney said...

Without having read it, this is crap!

KD said...

No need for such extravagant measures. we fans endure quite enough already, thank you very much. However, if Alphonso could dribble water down Cashman's schnoz, I could get behind that. I need to know if there is any truth to these Papelbon rumors.

John M said...

I had to go to Sweden on business. The sun--obscured by a constant cloud cover--comes "up" about 9 or so in the morning, and it's dark by 3:30. It's cold. The wind was insane.

I come back to the USA and read the recent Yankee news. All of it cold, dark and insane.

Maybe we should change the name to the New York Swedish Meatballs.

ceeja said...

New Ideas for 2015:

1 Pinch hit a midget for the pitcher when you play in an NL park

2 Rapper demolition day

3 Hire Mike Kekich as pitching coach and Fritz Peterson as assistant pitching coach

4 Stop all the denial and let the fans know what we really are: Horace Clarke for first base coach

5 Greenie up!!

6 Sign Jim Bouton and his knuckleball to a 7 year deal

7 Teach Bettances the "Folly Floater"