Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Posted by el duque at 11:04 AM
What's with these ingrates? They get to an all-star game and think they should be Yankees for life? Good grief, it's a privilege to be a Yankee - most fans would do it for nothing! What the hell happened to old-fashioned Amish-American virtue! (It's that Marvin Miller; wait, dammot, THAT NAME! NI-AGGG-ARA FALLS... SLOWLY I TURNED...!) Do these monsters think money grows on trees?
Here are 10 suggestions for Owner Hal this winter.
1. Clubhouse nickel pop bottle deposits. Put all bottles and cans in a receptical marked "TEAM REBUILDING FUND," and don't let any players run off with the booty. That's our future! Whenever somebody swills a Mountain Dew, that's 5 cents toward signing Max Scherzer in 2024.
2. Charge for parking. My old employeer, Shorty Newhouse, sure knew how to short his underlings. He charged you to park your car while you were working. Owner Hal can make serious bucks here - charge by the hour - and enjoy those extra-inning games.
3. Need a Penny/Save a Penny dugout dispensors. You have to be tricky - don't leave so many pennies that some light-fingered shortstop will clean you out - but there's coins to be made.
4. Flea Market infield. Last year, Zelous Wheeler cost about one-fifth the price of Brandon Ryan, and - seriously - who cared? Likewise, Antoan Richardson couldn't have hit much worse than Carlos Beltran. Come on, Hal! Let's go cheapski. There's nothing the Yankiverse loves more than good value on a contract. Wait... doesn't Toronto still owe Vernon Wells money? He's practically free!
5. Laundry. A dirty uniform is a source of pride for Brett Gardner. Let's get everybody into the same scrappy spirit. Clean jerseys once a week, rather than every day, and we'll field the proudest team in baseball. (Oo-oo, jumpin' Jehosivatt... here's an idea: Just sell the uniforms - as is - and never wash them at all.)
6. A-Rod as manager. Hey, we're paying him all that money - and for what? To be a DH? Screw dat. He's should not only play 3B, but he should manage. He's a smart guy. Let's get value for his contract.
7. Copper piping in the visiting clubhouse? Rip it out. That shit is gold.
8. MOST IMPORTANT - FLAG THIS EVERYBODY: John Sterling's Farewell Year Final Game. It's time to start selling keepsakes and memorabilia. When John and Suzyn do finally hang it up - hopefully I'll be dead - their radio play-by-play needs to be broadcast ACROSS THE STADIUM, AND ACROSS THE NATION, SYNCHED TO THE STADIUM JUMBOTRON, so that everyone in the world can hear. And the final home run call... hmmm... I'm saying Aaron Judge would make a great Sterling war cry.
Get on it.