Thursday, July 7, 2016

ANNUAL DRUNK BLOG: Dead juju and dead growlers

That's juju? That's a drunk blog juju intervention? WTF? Nothing worked last night. By the third inning, we were down by four. When the 2016 Yankees are down by four, they are... down... by... four. Me, I was down by eleven. Boring game, boring team, boring owner, nothing to do but think up old joke: What if Chase Headley married Lena Headey? You know what? I could have been a Laugh-In writer. Wait? Something wrong. I'm trapped in italics. I'm hitting Control-I, but the italics don't turn off. Look at this. Italics. I cannot get out of italics. Something has happened and I CANNOT GET OUT OF ITALICS. AND NOW I'M STUCK IN CAPITAL LETTERS AND ITALICS. THIS IS HOW THEY MARGINALIZE YOU. THIS IS HOW THE YANKEES SABOTAGE THEIR CRITICS. THEY PUT YOU IN ITALICS AND THEN DO SOMETHING TO YOUR CAPITAL LETTER LOCK, AND NOBODY WILL TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY, EVER AGAIN. BECAUSE YOU'RE IN CAP-ITALICS.

WELL, SCREW THEM. MY CRITICAL YANKEE VOICE WILL NOT BE STILLED. HAL STEINBRENNER, I'M CALLING YOU OUT. BRIAN CASHMAN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DID AND HOW YOU DID IT, BUT YOU WILL BOTH WISH YOU HAD NEVER TAMPERED WITH MY ITALICS AND CAPITAL KEYS, BECAUSE I AM BECOME THE CAP-ITALICS YANKEE BLOGGER, AND YOU WILL KNOW ME FOR MY ANGER, AS IT ECHOES ACROSS THE GLACIAL CANYONS AND EXPOSITIONS OF THE INTERNET. WORDS OF CAP-ITALICS WILL HAUNT YOU. YOU WILL NEVER BE FREE OF CAP-ITALICS because I will never - oh shit - i'm losing it... i will never stop... I've lost my mojo... cant spell... this is like the turn-back scene in The Nutty Professor, it's... gone... what happppened saying what needs - damn - how did they do that? I should redraft this. But not in Drunk Glog.   


Alphonso said...

Drink more. Drink to losing.

Mustang said...

It's 3:00 PM. Are you drinking yet?

Anonymous said...