Saturday, July 2, 2016

The Geriatrics of Generic

For the record - (I looked it up!) - five times in June, the Tankees reached that racy, voluptuous .500 mark, the stat that supposedly signifies "average."

Five bouts with mediocrity.

On the scale of ten, we are a five (5).

In the weather report, we are a 50 percent chance of rain.

In the Miss Universe pageant, we are Miss Congeniality.

We are the movie starring Kate Hudson, the Presidential campaign of Marco Rubio, the month-old six-pack of Utica Club, yesterday's four-dollar turkey sandwich from Subway... we are phlegm, bedpans, nail clippers, toothpicks, unleaded gasoline and margarine. We are Upper Canada. We are clothespins, boxer shorts, tube steak, tap water... we are the 2016 Yankees... the Geriatrics of Generic!
Each time we reached .500 in June, we promptly lost a game or two, thereby re-establishing the Newton-Eovaldi Third Law: For every Yankee victory, there is an equal and opposite Yankee defeat.

So, they did it again last night on the West Coast, and if you stayed up late to torture yourself, it must have been damn good marching dust, because my dawns with Mourning Joe ended when Andy Pettitte came to take the ball from Mariano.

We have played eight games against National League cream puffs - San Diego, Colorado and Arizona - and we have lost six. Believe it or not, we actually had winning records in May and June, but it was that horrible, El Chapo-less month of April that consigned 2016 to Hell. It's July, and we still haven't recovered.

So, today we will surely win, bringing us to .500 again, and Lucy will yell, "Go ahead, Charlie Brown, kick the ball!" and we will take our running start. Fortunately, it's another late game in San Diego. Wait... that's another five.

We are a night game in San Diego. And they're still wondering whether to buy or sell?

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

MORE MENTAL TORTURE LAST NIGHT....WHEN THE PASSED BALL GOT PAST MCCANN AND THEY SCORED AN EXTRA RUN IN THE 8TH, AND WE WERE NOW DOWN 7-2, I TOLD MYSELF, WATCH US LOSE 7-6 NOW...... WE LOST 7-6............. ABOUT LAST NIGHT!!!....IN THE 9TH INNING WHEN WE CAME ON STRONG AND IT ALMOST LOOKED LIKE WE MAY TIE THE GAME, GIRARDI TOLD AROD TO GET HIS GLOVE, AS THERE WERE NO POSITION PLAYERS LEFT TO PLAY THE INFIELD....LIKE A LITTLE KID, WHO WAS EXCITED, AROD RAN INTO THE TUNNEL TO FIND HIS GLOVE, (HE HAD HIS GLOVE ON WAITING FOR THE YANKS TO TIE THE GAME, AND LET ME TELL YOU, HE LOOKED HAPPY)....SO MY QUESTION IS.... WHY CAN'T AROD PLAY THE INFIELD IN AT LEAST SOME OF THE INTERLEAGUE GAMES??? ..HE WAS COMING IN TO PLAY INFIELD IF WE TIED IT LAST NIGHT!......WHEN HE SITS, AND OUR PITCHER HAS TO BAT, IT IS MURDEROUS!...IT KILLS US!..... ESPECIALLY AGAINST A LEFTY!........... THE HAPPINESS ON AROD'S FACE LAST NIGHT WHEN GIRARDI TOLD HIM TO GET HIS GLOVE, LEADS ME TO BELIEVE IT IS OUR "POWERS THAT BE" THAT DOES NOT WANT AROD TO PLAY THE FIELD, EVER.....FOR WHAT REASON, I HAVE NO IDEA....BUT IN THESE SITUATIONS WITH LEFTY PITCHERS PITCHING AGAINST US IN AN INTERLEAGUE GAME, WE NEED HIS BAT IN THIS SHITTY LINEUP!!!!

joe de pastry said...

I'll bet that Miss Congeniality in the Miss Universe pageant looks a lot better than these Yankees. And I'll bet Tom can find her picture.