Sloooooooooowly, I turned...
MO, LARRY, CHEESE! MO, LARRY, CHEESE! MO, LARRY, CHEESE! OK, hummina-hummina-hummina - breathe, water, please, OK, I'm feeling better. I think you can let go now. I'm - YOAANNNNNN MAHHHHHHCADA! That word. That name. It sets me off.
The Redsocks are promoting Yoa- HIM... the one I cannot say. He might start tonight at 3B. He could be a star for 10 years. And Hal "I'm Not Cheap" Steinbrenner couldn't dig his soft-little handsies into papa's precious, gold-plated fanny pack to sign the guy. O-ooh, nooooo. We - the richest sports team in the world - were outbid... BY BOSTON, DO YOU HEAR ME? It was Babe Ruth in reverse. We were outbid by BOSTON.
Food Stamps Hal sat his round little toosh on his precious platinum crapper and let our chief rival to have him. The son of the owner - El Cheapo - was more concerned with cashing out on tax breaks than building a team.
Listen, OK, I'm getting a grip here: We've heard all the excuses as to why it happened. 1. Hal had just signed a gaggle of 16-year-old Latin cabana boys, and he didn't have any more money. (What a crock.) 2. He didn't want to pay the awful luxury tax. (Which Boston did.) And 3. Felix "The Gardener" Lopez - Jessica's ex-husband - "overstepped" his duties and soured the negotiations. (What the hell is THAT all about? Or is that the ultimate in scapegoating?) So Boston signed the best prospect ever to come from Cuba, while we poured our extra money into news releases.
Well, those 16-year-olds are all still in rookie ball, and frankly, not one broke out this year, statistically. Of course, we have piles of unsourced scouting reports, which glow like the late Billy Connor's nose, ginned up by a p.r. machine that would make Donald Trump proud. Let's see now... Dermis Garcia - on whom we spent $3.2 million, and who already looks like a DH - hit 13 HRs this season. BUT... he hit .207 and strikes out with the frequency of a 60-year-old man's need to piss in the night. Wilkerman Garcia - last year's "breakout" performer - hit .198. Of course, yes, I understand - they're all way too young to judge. And yes, they still have great potential, in the Jackson Melian sense of the word. But good grief, they're three, four, maybe five years away. By then, the MVP might be-
YOANNNNNNNNNNNNN MONCADA. I'm sorry, folks. Being a Yankee fan used to mean you didn't accept poor-mouthing from the top. The owner might make stupid moves - and lord, did George ever make stupid moves - but he always put winning high above all else. This owner has not done that.
The Yankees have a big game tonight, and I'm all in with this youth movement. Let Aaron Judge play. Let Ronald Torreyes play. Let Tyler Austin play. For the first time in nearly 18 months, it's fun to root for the Yankees. For the first time in more than 30 months, there is actual hope for this franchise.
But then I had to hear that name...